How do I get her back?

[Jackx]

So my first love left me 1and a half months ago and we were together for 15months. It ended because I took her for granted sometimes and she said I didn’t always give her respect. I was not abusive, didn’t cheat. I just got lazy & wasn’t sure what I wanted in life. At the time I was stressing about going to uni or finding a new job/not having money to pay for the flat & Anxiety certainly doesn’t help either. 
 

After 13months is probably when I lacked motivation. We were really happy together, never really argued. I moved into her place after 2months. We fell for each other quickly. We talked many times about marriage/kids.

Her leaving me has made me realise what went wrong. She told me all the reasons why. This was the wake up call I needed. I just want to give her my all and make her happy. I just wish she told me all the reasons why she wasn’t happy before the breakup so I could have changed the issues. But that never happened. My ex is stubborn. She said she was waiting for me to change. 
 

I was messaging her quite a bit after the breakup. Had a few phone calls, some were okay & others she was pissed at me. It’s come to the point where I feel hopeless. She didn’t wanna get back with me because she said things will be good for 2months, then after same problems again.

I just need to prove to her they won’t! But she doesn’t wanna see me. My last message was that I was giving up on her and told her to take care. But it’s only been 1.5months and I can’t give up on her. I need to fight for what I love! unless she finds some else obviously or just flat out tells me to leave her alone.

Does anyone have any advise?

thanks 😊 

 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

She has already tried talking to you after the breakup, and she's come to the final decision that she does not want to be with you.  You can't "prove" to her that it will be different.  You can't "fight" for her.  That's stalking.  SHE SAID NO.  Respect this woman's decision and leave her alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/14/2020 at 6:30 PM, Jackx said:

I just need to prove to her they won’t! But she doesn’t wanna see me. My last message was that I was giving up on her and told her to take care. But it’s only been 1.5months and I can’t give up on her. I need to fight for what I love! unless she finds some else obviously or just flat out tells me to leave her alone.

No, you need to respect her boundaries and listen to her. She doesn't want you to keep persisting after she has already told you no. "Fighting for her" is only going to annoy the ever-loving crap out of her. She has already given up on you, so you giving up on her is moot at this point. 

You can't always get what you want, Jack. Now is not the time to bulldoze over her wishes just because they don't match yours. I understand that you don't have any malicious intentions, but if anything you need to show her that you can listen to her needs - and stop. She might not have a change a heart, but I can almost promise you that if you keep it up, you will forever nail that coffin shut. 

[Jackx]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you need to respect her boundaries and listen to her. She doesn't want you to keep persisting after she has already told you no. "Fighting for her" is only going to annoy the ever-loving crap out of her. She has already given up on you, so you giving up on her is moot at this point. 

You can't always get what you want, Jack. Now is not the time to bulldoze over her wishes just because they don't match yours. I understand that you don't have any malicious intentions, but if anything you need to show her that you can listen to her needs - and stop. She might not have a change a heart, but I can almost promise you that if you keep it up, you will forever nail that coffin shut. 

I did make another post on this. Yeah I’ve realised it’s best to move on and focus on myself for a while & continue making positive changes. If our paths ever cross in the future and I am truly happy with who I’ve become & she can see this then great.

People do get back together, it’s not like it doesn’t happen. Sometimes they just need a longer time apart. However, I’m trying my hardest to get less fixated on this and be happy on my own right now.

[d0nnivain]

On 6/14/2020 at 12:30 PM, Jackx said:

 It’s come to the point where I feel hopeless. She didn’t wanna get back with me because she said things will be good for 2months, then after same problems again.

I just need to prove to her they won’t! But she doesn’t wanna see me. My last message was that I was giving up on her and told her to take care. But it’s only been 1.5months and I can’t give up on her. I need to fight for what I love! unless she finds some else obviously or just flat out tells me to leave her alone.

Does anyone have any advise?

 

Go back & re-read all the sound advice you got in your other thread on this same break up. 

She was your 1st relationship.  She is not your last relationship . She's done & you are edging toward harassment.  Continuing to pester her after she has repeatedly told you she is done makes you annoying, not endearing.  Every time you don't listen you prove to her that she did the right thing by dumping you. 

You aren't hearing us.  It's not about what you want.  Your stubborn misguided refusal to give up doesn't change the outcome.  You have zero control over this.  She walked.  Nothing you can do or say, no changes you can make in your life will get her back.  She's done. The door is closed.  

It's time for you to accept reality.  Grieve the loss of your relationship.  Lick your wounds. Then move forward. 

Remember she is not the ideal partner you are making her out to be.  She's stuck in her own mess refusing to take the steps needed to open her dream dog grooming business.  She told you that she dumped you in part because you didn't read her mind & fix things that she thought were wrong but that she did not tell you about.  That alone makes her a lousy GF.  Be happy she's gone.  Your next GF -- and there will be one as soon as you heal from this one -- your next GF will hopefully be a more honest & straightforward communicator.  

Edited June 20, 2020 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Jackx said:

People do get back together, it’s not like it doesn’t happen. 

Where did I say it doesn’t?

In this case, with this woman, she is saying no. That’s all you have to go on right now. Believe her when she says she doesn’t want to try again.

You can’t bank on what has happened in other people’s relationships. You can only work with what’s happening between you and her in the present, and she’s been consistently rebuffing your efforts. That’s all you need to know to step back and stop. 

[Jackx]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Go back & re-read all the sound advice you got in your other thread on this same break up. 

She was your 1st relationship.  She is not your last relationship . She's done & you are edging toward harassment.  Continuing to pester her after she has repeatedly told you she is done makes you annoying, not endearing.  Every time you don't listen you prove to her that she did the right thing by dumping you. 

You aren't hearing us.  It's not about what you want.  Your stubborn misguided refusal to give up doesn't change the outcome.  You have zero control over this.  She walked.  Nothing you can do or say, no changes you can make in your life will get her back.  She's done. The door is closed.  

It's time for you to accept reality.  Grieve the loss of your relationship.  Lick your wounds. Then move forward. 

Remember she is not the ideal partner you are making her out to be.  She's stuck in her own mess refusing to take the steps needed to open her dream dog grooming business.  She told you that she dumped you in part because you didn't read her mind & fix things that she thought were wrong but that she did not tell you about.  That alone makes her a lousy GF.  Be happy she's gone.  Your next GF -- and there will be one as soon as you heal from this one -- your next GF will hopefully be a more honest & straightforward communicator.  

You are quoting my first post. I did just state that I am done communicating with her & accepted the relationship is over. Does that mean I am loosing all hope? No. 
 

If I was able to give up this quickly that would suggest I never really loved her. However that hope will slowly get smaller & smaller and the day will come where I won’t need to check these forums anymore. 

[preraph]

No, it would suggest that you respected her wishes and that she knows what she wants better than you do. It would suggest but you could accept reality in an adult way instead of digging in stubbornly because you can't stand to lose. 

You only loved who you hope she was and it turns out she's not that person. Because I'm assuming the ideal person in your head would love you back and she doesn't. 

[Jackx]

19 minutes ago, preraph said:

No, it would suggest that you respected her wishes and that she knows what she wants better than you do. It would suggest but you could accept reality in an adult way instead of digging in stubbornly because you can't stand to lose. 

You only loved who you hope she was and it turns out she's not that person. Because I'm assuming the ideal person in your head would love you back and she doesn't. 

“Can’t stand to lose”? So because I am going through a recent breakup & not giving up hope on the girl I used to be with, that’s what you gather from all this?

 

You sound like a rather pessimistic person tbh. Please stop projecting your own personal experiences onto mine.

Ta.

[preraph]

Stop asking for advice if you don't want it. This is a duplicate thread on the same content. I guess you didn't get the answers you wanted the first time and keep hoping someone out there will tell you what you want to hear. You aren't listening to her anymore than you are listening to us because you don't want to hear it. 

[Jackx]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

Stop asking for advice if you don't want it. This is a duplicate thread on the same content. I guess you didn't get the answers you wanted the first time and keep hoping someone out there will tell you what you want to hear. You aren't listening to her anymore than you are listening to us because you don't want to hear it. 

There is giving advice and then there is being patronising. Your “Can’t stand to lose” comment proves how simple and small minded you are. I doubt I would find any positive reply’s on your profile, regardless of the subject. 
 

Ta.

[preraph]

Well, I just can't imagine why she doesn't like you anymore.

[Jackx]

Thanks darlin

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Jackx said:

 If I was able to give up this quickly that would suggest I never really loved her. However that hope will slowly get smaller & smaller and the day will come where I won’t need to check these forums anymore. 

No, it would not. 

It would suggest that you heard and respected her desire to end it. It would suggest you have the emotional maturity to listen to what she is telling you and not make excuses for yourself to keep persisting after she has already said no. 

It is not a measurement of your love, so you would be wise not to make it about that. 

[d0nnivain]

I want you to be happy.  Holding on to a dead relationship in the hopes that you can revive it in the future will lead to misery not happiness. 

It's good that you stopped contacting her & are moving forward but even if you get back, it won't be the same. 

Think of your relationship like a plate.  It's a nice plate but then you drop it & it breaks into 3 pieces.  You manage to crazy glue the pieces back together so the plate is still functional but it's never the same.  It's not as strong.  It's not as pretty.  It's damaged & when you set the table you will always reach for a non-broken intact plate first.  Even if you get back together, the damage was done. 

[Jackx]

Yeah I understand. Relationships are little more complex then plates though. In some cases people don’t get back together again if they feel their partner has not changed. And why would they?!

She ended things because I was not being the man I was supposed to be not because she found someone else or got bored. Yeah she could have communicated more but she knows how I feel about that. No one is perfect. She is perfectly imperfect and I love her for it.
 

If someone f***s something up and knows why they f***ed up. The right thing to do would be to work on it and make changes.  Like I said if I was the perfect guy and she left to go ‘explore’ then yeah f*** her. Move on and never look back. But this is not the case.

I’m still respecting her wishes. Moving forward with my own life. The breakup is still fresh. I’m obviously going to keep some hope alive, even in the back of my mind. But for now I’m just letting her live her life, and I’ll live mine. You don’t know what the future holds. I am simply leaving the door open, not holding it open.

 

but yeah I’m just venting. Thanks for you advice.

[Azincourt]

On 6/14/2020 at 5:30 PM, Jackx said:

So my first love left me 1and a half months ago and we were together for 15months. It ended because I took her for granted sometimes and she said I didn’t always give her respect. I was not abusive, didn’t cheat. I just got lazy & wasn’t sure what I wanted in life. At the time I was stressing about going to uni or finding a new job/not having money to pay for the flat & Anxiety certainly doesn’t help either. 
 

After 13months is probably when I lacked motivation. We were really happy together, never really argued. I moved into her place after 2months. We fell for each other quickly. We talked many times about marriage/kids.

Her leaving me has made me realise what went wrong. She told me all the reasons why. This was the wake up call I needed. I just want to give her my all and make her happy. I just wish she told me all the reasons why she wasn’t happy before the breakup so I could have changed the issues. But that never happened. My ex is stubborn. She said she was waiting for me to change. 
 

I was messaging her quite a bit after the breakup. Had a few phone calls, some were okay & others she was pissed at me. It’s come to the point where I feel hopeless. She didn’t wanna get back with me because she said things will be good for 2months, then after same problems again.

I just need to prove to her they won’t! But she doesn’t wanna see me. My last message was that I was giving up on her and told her to take care. But it’s only been 1.5months and I can’t give up on her. I need to fight for what I love! unless she finds some else obviously or just flat out tells me to leave her alone.

Does anyone have any advise?

thanks 😊 

 

 

Yeah, I have some advice. 

Forget it.

She's not coming back. She's angry at you because she's not interested in you anymore and you keep trying to contact her again. Leave her be. Work on the qualities you are missing if you are marriage-minded and want to one day have children. Give it time, relax, there's plenty of women out there for you to meet after you're done with your transformation.

 

On 6/14/2020 at 5:30 PM, Jackx said:

 

 

[kendahke]

On 6/14/2020 at 12:30 PM, Jackx said:

Does anyone have any advise?

Do you want to get back with her because it's easier on you, economically, to live with her and she just comes along with the deal? Have you taken care of the things which broke you two up where they're no longer an issue you're wrestling with?

She's right-- it will take 2 months and you will be back in your habit of treating her the way you did UNLESS you've done some real hard work on yourself--and that takes more than 1 1/2 months to address with a therapist.  If you never deal with your issues, they just wait around til you're back in a rote routine to land on your head again and you'll be back where you were 1/12 months ago.

Take this time to do the heavy lifting you need to do on yourself. This isn't her baggage or her concern.  You need to do this for you or else you'll bring this same energy into every relationship you get in and you will find yourself right here again and again.

[Jackx]

9 hours ago, kendahke said:

Do you want to get back with her because it's easier on you, economically, to live with her and she just comes along with the deal? Have you taken care of the things which broke you two up where they're no longer an issue you're wrestling with?

She's right-- it will take 2 months and you will be back in your habit of treating her the way you did UNLESS you've done some real hard work on yourself--and that takes more than 1 1/2 months to address with a therapist.  If you never deal with your issues, they just wait around til you're back in a rote routine to land on your head again and you'll be back where you were 1/12 months ago.

Take this time to do the heavy lifting you need to do on yourself. This isn't her baggage or her concern.  You need to do this for you or else you'll bring this same energy into every relationship you get in and you will find yourself right here again and again.

Ofcourse not. It’s more beneficial, financially for her, for me to live with her. That was never the case. I moved in after 2months. Never thought about the money, it just felt like the right thing to do. Like we were gliding along.

Yeah it’s possible the problems would have come back. But this was the kick up the ass I needed to realise what needs solving. It would have been nice if my ‘kick up the ass’ came whilst we were together, but that’s life.

 But I am addressing the issues and will do for some time. I will reach out to her once I am certain I’ve done everything I can do & will be prepared for her response, either way.

Because I would rather live knowing I’ve done all I could and reached out when the time is right, then to live in regret & think things could have been different.

I am 90% sure she thinks I won’t change. So it’s highly unlikely she will reach out. People say the dumpee shouldn’t reach out, which I agree with if their partner left for someone else or something or similar.
 

Once she understands my changes and still does not want to reconcile then that’s when I will go full NC but just going straight NC off the bat without even proving things will be different is something I cannot do.

 

 

 

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, Jackx said:

Once she understands my changes and still does not want to reconcile then that’s when I will go full NC but just going straight NC off the bat without even proving things will be different is something I cannot do.

Understand this is you centering yourself in what you think she should want for herself when she's been very clear with you what she wants for herself. You insisting on having your way can end up with you in a situation you're not prepared to handle--like a PRO sworn out on you.

I'd just stay away and just go do the work you need to do on yourself and stop trying to prove to someone who doesn't care right now what you've done. She's made herself clear and you should take heed.

[CT98]

On 6/21/2020 at 4:46 PM, Jackx said:

Yeah I understand. Relationships are little more complex then plates though. In some cases people don’t get back together again if they feel their partner has not changed. And why would they?!

She ended things because I was not being the man I was supposed to be not because she found someone else or got bored. Yeah she could have communicated more but she knows how I feel about that. No one is perfect. She is perfectly imperfect and I love her for it.
 

If someone f***s something up and knows why they f***ed up. The right thing to do would be to work on it and make changes.  Like I said if I was the perfect guy and she left to go ‘explore’ then yeah f*** her. Move on and never look back. But this is not the case.

I’m still respecting her wishes. Moving forward with my own life. The breakup is still fresh. I’m obviously going to keep some hope alive, even in the back of my mind. But for now I’m just letting her live her life, and I’ll live mine. You don’t know what the future holds. I am simply leaving the door open, not holding it open.

 

but yeah I’m just venting. Thanks for you advice.

Dude, here is a harsh truth when it comes to women. 
 

They only dump men they have lost sexual attraction for.
 

All the fluff they give you in the break up speech is a half truth, yes the s*** you did pissed them off, but that’s not the reason they are ending it; the reason they are ending it is because the s*** you did that pissed them off was a catalyst for  them to no longer feel attracted to you. 
 

When a woman feels like this there is NOTHING you can say or do which will magically change their mind, you can only make things worse for yourself. 
 

Suck it up, grieve the loss, work on yourself and then you’ll meet another girl who blows you away, and you’ll look back and wonder why you were so obsessed with your ex. 
 

This happens 100% of the time,  without fail. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by CT98

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, CT98 said:

Dude, here is a harsh truth when it comes to women. 
 

They only dump men they have lost sexual attraction for.

I've had sex with the ex....the one I dumped.  Why would I do that if I'd lost sexual attraction?

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, CT98 said:

This happens 100% of the time,  without fail. 

Nothing works 100% of the time without fail...
 

45 minutes ago, CT98 said:

They only dump men they have lost sexual attraction for.

NO, I agree with  Basil, one can still have a lot of sexual attraction for a guy but  sexual attraction is not enough and splitting up is necessary as it was "never going to work"...
 

[CT98]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Nothing works 100% of the time without fail...
 

NO, I agree with  Basil, one can still have a lot of sexual attraction for a guy but  sexual attraction is not enough and splitting up is necessary as it was "never going to work"...
 

All right, my post is being picked apart, but the premise stands..

 

This woman does not want to be with OP, there is nothing OP can do to change that, so the best thing OP can do is heal and move onwards and upwards.

 

I do not know of one single person still pining after their first love after a significant amount of time has passed, I'm sure in this mad world there must be someone who is. But I would say it is close enough to 100% chance to deem it pretty much guaranteed that OP will meet someone new and First Love will become but a mere distant and painless memory.  

Edited July 9, 2020 by CT98

[Jackx]

I’m pretty sure the sexual attraction thing is not the case. Perhaps emotionally unattracted, but not physically. It ended because of in-experience on my part, poor communication from both of us & me not always giving her respect/treating her properly.

We last spoke a few weeks ago. I asked her to trust me and believe things would be better. She said “how can I trust you when you’ve not provided evidence that you’ve changed”. So yeah it’s nothing to do with sexual attraction. But it’s like she wants me to list all my changes over text, which I think defeats the purpose. True change should be recognised without having to prove it.