Unable to move on from this relationship

[emerald86]

It was a 6-month relationship and we broke up 6 months ago. The 6 months that we spent dating were some of the best I've had. We shared a lot of fun memories, had a lot of deep talks, and stayed up late nights having conversations about things like our hopes and dreams. He spoke about having a future with me, marriage and kids and all of that (yeah I did feel like it was moving a bit fast, but it didn't matter to me so much at the time). I totally saw a future with him, and hoped that would happen. 

One day, he just broke up with me out of the blue. I didn't even see it coming. He told me just two days earlier that he was very happy to be with me. 

Looking back though, I do think we broke up for valid reasons (namely the distance - I had to move away for work). And we did have various other issues like a lack of communication and misunderstandings every now and then. I admit I made my share of mistakes, especially the lack of communication part, but I also made it clear to him that I 100% was committed to working on these issues, and making our relationship better. I truly believed that these issues were solvable. He was firm in his decision, however. There was nothing I could do to change his mind. It was heartbreaking.

That was 6 months ago. Very recently, I learned that shortly after he broke up with me, he went back to his ex-girlfriend. I just didn't know how to process that information. Especially since their relationship had previously ended like 2 years ago - I thought she was truly out of the picture.

I know I need to move on from this. But I can't stop thinking about all the times he was so good to me and all the fun times we had. Moreover, there's a part of me that still has a tiny bit of hope - but logically, I know that's silly. I can't shake off this idea that I'll never again find another person who I am so happy to be with. 

Any ideas on how can I just get over this? 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

12 minutes ago, emerald86 said:

Moreover, there's a part of me that still has a tiny bit of hope - but logically, I know that's silly.

 

Well, it's not really silly since he's proven already that he's willing to get back together with an ex....  However, do you want someone like that?  Seems pretty clear there was some overlap in relationships and he was probably already seeing her (again) before he broke up with you.  Do you know why they broke up the first time?  Did he cheat on her?

[emerald86]

5 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Well, it's not really silly since he's proven already that he's willing to get back together with an ex....  However, do you want someone like that?  Seems pretty clear there was some overlap in relationships and he was probably already seeing her (again) before he broke up with you.  Do you know why they broke up the first time?  Did he cheat on her?

You're right, I definitely don't want to be with someone like that. That's what my head says, but my heart is pining after him. From what I know, they ended the relationship because he didn't feel like making much of an effort to see her (they were long distance at the time, and still are). Or something about not having the time to see her. But that's what he told me - I'm not sure of the whole truth. 

[Fresh_Start]

While it may seem that he broke up with you out of the blue, it was something he'd been thinking about for awhile or it wouldn't have happened.  Don't put any stock whatsoever in his statement just a couple of days prior to the breakup about how happy he was to be with you.  That is his own misleading emotional dishonesty.  You have no way of knowing just how long he was lying to you about his feelings.  Trying to figure that out will drive you nuts and even cause you to blame yourself for everything.  You're probably already doing that on some level and it is contributing to your inability to move on.  It's very confusing and very hurtful when someone's actions completely contradict their words -- or when they tell you one thing one moment only to tell you something that is the complete opposite shortly thereafter.  That leads to the situation feeling unresolved and without closure, hence your current predicament.

So keep that in mind and understand that this man was being dishonest with you about his feelings for a lot longer than you will likely ever know and that it is surely a contributing factor to why he got back together with his ex shortly after the breakup.  You mentioned some valid reasons that the relationship ended, but you need to understand that his emotional dishonesty and stringing you along is another valid reason for it to have ended.  No person should ever have to be in a relationship with someone like that so focus on the reasons that you mentioned as well as those that I shed some light on for you, tell yourself that you are better off being free of someone who was lying to you about his feelings, learn from your own mistakes, and hopefully next time you will find someone who is more committed to you and the relationship. 

It'll pass eventually.  One day at a time.  

Edited June 14, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[emerald86]

45 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

While it may seem that he broke up with you out of the blue, it was something he'd been thinking about for awhile or it wouldn't have happened.  Don't put any stock whatsoever in his statement just a couple of days prior to the breakup about how happy he was to be with you.  That is his own misleading emotional dishonesty.  You have no way of knowing just how long he was lying to you about his feelings.  Trying to figure that out will drive you nuts and even cause you to blame yourself for everything.  You're probably already doing that on some level and it is contributing to your inability to move on.  It's very confusing and very hurtful when someone's actions completely contradict their words -- or when they tell you one thing one moment only to tell you something that is the complete opposite shortly thereafter.  That leads to the situation feeling unresolved and without closure, hence your current predicament.

So keep that in mind and understand that this man was being dishonest with you about his feelings for a lot longer than you will likely ever know and that it is surely a contributing factor to why he got back together with his ex shortly after the breakup.  You mentioned some valid reasons that the relationship ended, but you need to understand that his emotional dishonesty and stringing you along is another valid reason for it to have ended.  No person should ever have to be in a relationship with someone like that so focus on the reasons that you mentioned as well as those that I shed some light on for you, tell yourself that you are better off being free of someone who was lying to you about his feelings, learn from your own mistakes, and hopefully next time you will find someone who is more committed to you and the relationship. 

It'll pass eventually.  One day at a time.  

Fresh_Start, thank you for your post. I really needed to hear this.

I was indeed blaming myself for all the things I could have done differently. But if he was truly hung up on his ex the whole time, I suppose our relationship was doomed from the start and there's nothing I could have really done. It didn't even seem like there were any red flags at the time. He made so much time for me and it really did seem like he was making me a priority. 

Maybe there were warning signs that I should have paid more attention to.

[Uptown182]

All I can say is that I’m in a similar situation as you.  I was with someone for 7 months and the he just disappeared.  I was devastated.  Like you, we had spoken about a future and all.  We were together a few days before he disappeared and everything was fine.  He told me he loved all the time, and I believed him.  I cried for multiple times a day for the first few weeks after he disappeared.  It’s not been about 2.5 months and I have days where I’m fine and moving on and then I have days (like today, for some reason Sundays are always the hardest, no clue why) where I miss him terribly and I’m sad.  I try to convince myself he’s not who I thought he was, and it’s just the memories I miss not him.  It’s still hard, but it seems to be getting easier with time.  
 

At first I thought he might’ve gotten back together with his ex wife but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  I’m not sure if he’s in a relationship with someone else, but knowing how he is I’m sure he’s seeing someone new by now.  He still occasionally likes a pic of mine on social media but that’s about it.  I never reached out to him after he disappeared and I’m proud of that.  
 

It’s hard to move on when someone led you to believe they wanted a future with you and they were intertwined in you life.  My best advice is to get out there and start dating again (which is what I’m trying to do).  

[Uptown182]

15 minutes ago, emerald86 said:

Fresh_Start, thank you for your post. I really needed to hear this.

I was indeed blaming myself for all the things I could have done differently. But if he was truly hung up on his ex the whole time, I suppose our relationship was doomed from the start and there's nothing I could have really done. It didn't even seem like there were any red flags at the time. He made so much time for me and it really did seem like he was making me a priority. 

Maybe there were warning signs that I should have paid more attention to.

I’m not sure he was hung up on his ex when he started dating you, especially if they had been broken up for two years.  Could be she reached out to him or something and that brought back some feelings.

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, emerald86 said:

Fresh_Start, thank you for your post. I really needed to hear this.

I was indeed blaming myself for all the things I could have done differently. But if he was truly hung up on his ex the whole time, I suppose our relationship was doomed from the start and there's nothing I could have really done. It didn't even seem like there were any red flags at the time. He made so much time for me and it really did seem like he was making me a priority. 

Maybe there were warning signs that I should have paid more attention to.

Just to clarify:

I didn't say, nor try to imply, that he was hung up on his ex the whole time.  What I did say is that you have no way of knowing just how long he was being dishonest with you about his feelings.  Somebody doesn't just tell you one day "I'm really happy with you" or "I really love you" only to break up with you the next.  The break up was just a formality for him and for feelings that weren't there anymore.  He was being a coward and stringing you along.  My point was that you will very likely never know exactly when his feelings changed, but that it seems likely that they changed because of his ex based on your statement about how he got back together with her shortly after he broke up with you.  Trying to figure that out is a dangerous game that you don't want to play because it will only lead you to more heartbreak, more questions, and further prolong your own healing.  

What's important in moving forward is acknowledging that there were some valid reasons for things to have not worked out that you've already mentioned and that this is an equally valid reason.  His feelings for you and his commitment to you may have been very genuine for a period of time, but that period ended for him sooner than it did for you.  You wanted it to work out and were committed to resolving some problem areas, he was not.  When you find the man that you deserve, even if you thought this guy was the one based on how things were (or how you thought they were), he will be just as committed to you as you are to him and there won't be any painful, emotionally dishonest smoke screens about how happy he is with you one moment only to turn around and break up with you the next.  

I know it hurts right now and that you are idealizing your memory of him and the time the two of you spent together, but it wasn't meant to be.  Focus on the valid reasons that it ended (including his emotional dishonesty), learn from some of the mistakes you made without making those mistakes out to be the sole reason things didn't work out with him, and find things you can do every day to occupy your thoughts and energy with other things.     

Edited June 14, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[emerald86]

43 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

Trying to figure that out is a dangerous game that you don't want to play because it will only lead you to more heartbreak, more questions, and further prolong your own healing.  

Absolutely agree that this is a dangerous game to play. That's where my mind has been going - wondering when his feelings changed and what exactly happened to cause it. But I know there's really no point in brooding over that. 

The emotional dishonesty is a very valid reason for this to have ended. I also need to give up hope that we'll get back together in the future - deep down, I know it's not what I want anyway. 

[emerald86]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

All I can say is that I’m in a similar situation as you.  I was with someone for 7 months and the he just disappeared.  I was devastated.  Like you, we had spoken about a future and all.  We were together a few days before he disappeared and everything was fine.  He told me he loved all the time, and I believed him.  I cried for multiple times a day for the first few weeks after he disappeared.  It’s not been about 2.5 months and I have days where I’m fine and moving on and then I have days (like today, for some reason Sundays are always the hardest, no clue why) where I miss him terribly and I’m sad.  I try to convince myself he’s not who I thought he was, and it’s just the memories I miss not him.  It’s still hard, but it seems to be getting easier with time.  
 

At first I thought he might’ve gotten back together with his ex wife but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  I’m not sure if he’s in a relationship with someone else, but knowing how he is I’m sure he’s seeing someone new by now.  He still occasionally likes a pic of mine on social media but that’s about it.  I never reached out to him after he disappeared and I’m proud of that.  
 

It’s hard to move on when someone led you to believe they wanted a future with you and they were intertwined in you life.  My best advice is to get out there and start dating again (which is what I’m trying to do).  

Hang in there! I know it will get easier and easier as the days go by. What you said about missing the memories more than the person is also very true. 

[Ruby Slippers]

People tend to make a decision around the 6-month mark on whether they want to end the relationship or take it further. 6 months in is a very common make or break point.

I just broke up with my ex last week after 6 volatile months of off and on. It's very recent, so while in some respects I feel relieved, in others I wonder what if and replay certain memories. All this is normal and natural.

What's helping me is to read advice and quotes and watch videos about how to cope with breakups. We all go through it, it always sucks, but it's part of life.

Here's my current focus: "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one." It's early days for me yet, but I'm focusing on moving past dwelling on this relationship to taking steps toward what's next, making that as good as I can.

[Fox Sake]

20 hours ago, emerald86 said:

 

Any ideas on how can I just get over this? 

 

I came through a similar sort of thing. it took me a while. Way longer than anyone else ever has especially for such a short time. 
Unlike me tho, you’re in a prime position to take the moral high ground and reassure yourself of your value. Use this to your benefit. I mean , why would you even want or miss someone like that in your life anyways? 
 

The way I see it for you - this is another branch on your tree. And lucky for you it’s an easy one because it can only make you stronger. Value yourself and the love you know you’re capable of giving. Realise and reassure yourself that you have higher standards. It’s okay to make mistakes, as long as we learn something from them. What you take from it all is only really up to you. 

It’s your ex I feel sorry for and it’s more pity , because he sounds like he is going to keep making the same mistakes in life over and over, never learning and the price of knowing you’re a complete bastard is not a pretty price to pay at some point down the line for him. But then again some people never learn. Current category for him in your mind? - I can do better and deserve so much better. 
 

Try to train in the mindset of realising that you can do better. It was his loss.  You should feel like you dodged a bullet. You did dodge one, like a scene from the matrix. 
We all get played sometimes, Or make poor choices, but if you can take the best and the worst out of it all , and use it to your advantage, you become the winner, your tree of life is growing branches. 
 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Fox Sake
Fixed autocorrect mistakes

[the tank]

I kind of understand why you have difficulty to move on. Break up around 6 months is really hard because at this point you see a future with the person. When I found out that she went back to her ex (2 months after the break up) , I struggle a lot and set me back to day one. Their relationship also ended like 2 years ago. Although they were sharing a kid together, the way she talked about him, for me it was clear that the couldnt have a future together.  In my case,  It was not about going back with her but feeling betray by her !