inappropriate relationships/infidelity

[Acacia98]

On 6/15/2020 at 3:37 AM, SumGuy said:

It doesn’t sound like these relationships are inappropriate.   I can see his fear about the ex but time has shown he had nothing to fear.  
What is therapy saying about his need for details?   For it to be such a soul destroying need, to equate it with you never loved him, is disturbing, not balanced or secure.   His unfounded jealousy is destroying him.

Yes you didn’t tell because you knew he was jealous like this.   Sad that had to happen, but your “wrong” in hiding it is no greater and less than his “wrong” in saying you can’t have male friends. 

Time has not shown anything. Her husband has no way of actually knowing what happened between her and those men. For all he knows, she may have been having hot steamy sex with them for months and then ended those relationships when she got bored. 

Her big mistake was disregarding his boundary when he told her where it lay. She herself says that he told her she could continue talking to her ex, but he wouldn't hang around for that. If what he was saying was unreasonable, at that point, she should have disagreed with him and even ultimately ended their relationship if neither of them was willing to budge. Instead, she chose to trample all over his boundary but to hide that from him. That is the definition of disrespecting your significant other. It's also called cake-eating. It's not the foundation for any kind of heathy relationship.

People have the right to decide what kind of relationship to be in. She took that choice away from him, and she did it in such a way that he wouldn't know if it was safe to trust her even if he wanted to make things work. The guy is not being irrational or anything like that. He's understandably heartbroken.

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like you were having emotional relationships with these men. And yes it can make your partner jealous, it's understandable.

You have to stop it and get some girlfriends!

I hope you keep going to therapy, it can help. But time is the great healer...........hopefully, in time, your hubby will get over it.

[SRCSRC]

Number one, no more male confidants or friends.  Get your emotional need met to discuss anything from a good, close, caring girlfriend who won't try to sabotage your marriage. Number two, come absolutely clean with your husband, offer him access to your cellphone, computer emails etc.  Suggest that you will sit for a polygraph test and any questions can be asked.  Your husband suspects that you have done more than just talk.  It's up to you to go the extra distance to right the ship and save your marriage.  He should get over it if you do the right thing but it will take time. Therapy is a possibility, but be careful who you choose.  Some therapists have no clue, especially when it has to do with affairs.  Our therapist told me that I should already have gotten over my ex-wife's affair.  This was two weeks after I found out. 

[SRCSRC]

Again, offer the polygraph to show your husband you are coming clean.  Are you coming clean with us?

[Loneheart]

On 9/30/2020 at 4:34 PM, SRCSRC said:

Again, offer the polygraph to show your husband you are coming clean.  Are you coming clean with us?

I have taken a polygraph and I passed it. I am being completely honest with my husband about everything now. Ive been trying to fix everything but im really not sure it is fixable. Ive ruined his trust completely. Ive been going to therapy and ive opened up to him and told him everything that I have knowingly kept from him and lied to him about. Im worried the damage is done and there isnt any coming back from it.

[Loneheart]

On 9/12/2020 at 2:08 AM, S2B said:

but you COULD recover those texts IF you wanted to.

the fact is - you totally betrayed your husband to stroke your ego. You ruined the marriage.

do you realize that?

what do you plan to DO to repair the damage you caused? Be specific.

 

are you aware you avoid answering the hard questions and aren’t very forthcoming? This style of non-communication will definitely harm your marriage even further.

How can I recover my text messages. If you know of a way I would gladly do it. Im not trying to hide anything anymore.

[Loneheart]

On 9/10/2020 at 8:51 PM, SRCSRC said:

Number one, no more male confidants or friends.  Get your emotional need met to discuss anything from a good, close, caring girlfriend who won't try to sabotage your marriage. Number two, come absolutely clean with your husband, offer him access to your cellphone, computer emails etc.  Suggest that you will sit for a polygraph test and any questions can be asked.  Your husband suspects that you have done more than just talk.  It's up to you to go the extra distance to right the ship and save your marriage.  He should get over it if you do the right thing but it will take time. Therapy is a possibility, but be careful who you choose.  Some therapists have no clue, especially when it has to do with affairs.  Our therapist told me that I should already have gotten over my ex-wife's affair.  This was two weeks after I found out. 

I dont plan on every communicating with any men unless absolutely necessary and even then letting my husband know about them. Ive taken a polygraph and passed and ive been going to therapy. Ive come completely clean with my husband about everything I've knowingly lied to him and kept from him. Ive handled all of this horribly and I feel lost. I just don't know what to do. A huge part of me feels like I shouldn't even expect him to stay. That its wrong of me to want that because I want to choose his happiness over mine. Im not sure if he is sure about staying or leaving. Im trying to be patient and understanding. 

[d0nnivain]

You made quite the mess & I commend you for trying to be transparent but saying you are never going to talk to men is absurd.  What are you going to do keep a list & every day give your husband a report: 

This morning the neighbor said hi to me as I walked to the car. 

The barista at starbucks took my order, called my name to give me my coffee & said "have a nice day."  

When I got to work my co-worker said good morning.  Then my boss asked me for an update. 

At lunch the waiter told me his name, took my order & asked if I wanted dessert before he gave me my check.  Then he asked if he could keep the change.  As I was walking out of the restaurant a guy coming out of the bathroom almost bumped into me & said "excuse me".  

I dropped something in the store on the way home & a nice man handed it back to me saying, "You dropped this, miss."  

Just learn not to flirt or do things behind DH's back.  

 

[mark clemson]

Not sure about the "boundaries" in this relationship. Are ALL friendships with men banned? JMO, but people with that view are not emotionally healthy or likely to be good partners LT.

2 hours ago, 4paws said:

 Ive taken a polygraph and passed and ive been going to therapy. Ive come completely clean with my husband about everything I've knowingly lied to him and kept from him.

Is this what your polygraph showed?

On 6/14/2020 at 4:50 PM, 4paws said:

My husband now didnt want me to be friends with my ex husband so he told me i can stay friends with my ex but he won't stick around if I do. So I told him I would no longer talk to him but i did for almost 9 months. I kept it and hid it from my husband now. ... I never had a physical relationship with my ex husband once me and my now husband got together. But I still hid this relationship with my ex from my husband. ... In september 2014 I started working a new job and became very close with my male nurse. We worked 1 on 1 with each other every day. I never felt physically attracted to him, he was also alot older than me about 15 years or so. We talked and text all the time. Long conversations over the phone. This relationship was also not physical at all. But it was inappropriate because I never told my now husband about him. My husband found out about him the same way he did with my ex through the phone records. Now that its 2020 I have been confronted with these inappropriate relationships I had that i kept secret for 5-6 years.

If so, I think you mostly need to give your husband more time. It's the trust issue that is the major thing for him I would guess.

 

2 hours ago, 4paws said:

I dont plan on every communicating with any men unless absolutely necessary and even then letting my husband know about them.

While I get overcompensating, given your situation, the above doesn't sound either normal or particularly realistic for the LT, although letting your husband know about significant communications is never wrong. For the short to medium term, it's probably wise.

Some people just are not emotionally "secure" enough to ever heal from stuff like this. It is what it is. IF that's your husband, then unfortunately you've put yourself into a situation where you may have to pander to the needs of an insecure, emotionally damaged person indefinitely. Not the life I would wish on anyone, but you made your choices then AND you're making your current choices now.

Realistically, it may or may not work - he may just leave/give up anyhow. Of course nothing is certain, but you should probably have a mental backup plan for that eventuality in case it occurs. Not romantically, but just how your life would be without him/if he left. JIC.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, 4paws said:

I dont plan on every communicating with any men unless absolutely necessary and even then letting my husband know about them. Ive taken a polygraph. 

Stop. Just stop. You need an  attorney asap, not a controlling vindictive husband who is going to treat you like a criminal just for revenge then dump and divorce you anyway.

Stop trying to fix this. Right now your sick husband is treating you like a prisoner because he's been reading about how to get even and humiliate you.

The jerk should have simply divorced you. He will eventually anyway, but first he wants to torment you a while with this controlling abusive nonsense.

Look, there is zero respect, zero trust and zero love here.

Get an  attorney and get out. You are not going to "fix" this by complying with inane humiliating nonsense like polygraph tests.

[Robybon]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop. Just stop. You need an  attorney asap, not a controlling vindictive husband who is going to treat you like a criminal just for revenge then dump and divorce you anyway

She write "I don't plan on every communicating with any men....." 

IShe made this decision not the husband

[Ellener]

I have a close male friend and we talk on the phone quite a bit but his wife is usually there; we went for lunch a couple of times last year just us and we really get on. His wife doesn't particularly enjoy my company, she came a couple of times too but it wasn't as much fun and a lot briefer. I said upfront we don't want to drift into an affair, he was a bit shocked, but I think lots of people don't see it coming.

Recently I've been lonely lately stuck at home, and he's been stressed with work. I don't think it's possible to have zero contact with men, but it's best to set boundaries. I decided I'm talking to him too much, so I just wrote a Halloween card and addressed it to both of them. Then if she's annoyed with the friendship she can speak to him about it. 

I don't think it's possible to 'save' a marriage and it be happy unless both people can start enjoying each other's company though, therapy is good, but the reason you drift into other men's company is important. 

Hope things are getting better. 

 

 

 

[Robybon]

Why is your Husband going through your phone records? I think he suspected you were unfaithful. Maybe the story isn't how you told it. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Robybon
Adding last paragraph

[SRCSRC]

Certainly sounds like you are going the extra mile to make things right with your husband.  Of course you cannot avoid men the rest of your life.  You simply have to keep assuring your husband that you will never have close male friends again.  You will continue to work with males, but your relationships must remain at arms length.  Plutonic close relationships with the opposite sex is a recipe for disaster.  Too many of these relationships evolve into affairs.  There are plenty of women that you can cultivate as close friends.  Your husband should be able to get past this problem eventually provided you remain honest and transparent.  It will take awhile.   The fact that you didn't have a physical affair makes R so much more possible. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. 

[merrmeade]

On 8/13/2020 at 9:35 AM, 4paws said:

He says he is happy but when he gets angry about everything he doesn't seem happy. Im not sure if he tells me he is happy because he really is and when he is mad he just lashes out or if he is really unhappy and isn't being honest with me and maybe even himself. 

On 8/13/2020 at 9:42 AM, 4paws said:

I think i dont remember them because to me they were meaningless. I could lossibly have something wrong with me, there are alot of things i dont remember in general not just pertaining to this situation. Im not trying to give any excuses though.

On 10/15/2020 at 4:39 PM, 4paws said:

I have taken a polygraph and I passed it. I am being completely honest with my husband about everything now. Ive been trying to fix everything but im really not sure it is fixable. Ive ruined his trust completely. Ive been going to therapy and ive opened up to him and told him everything that I have knowingly kept from him and lied to him about. Im worried the damage is done and there isnt any coming back from it.

On 10/15/2020 at 4:45 PM, 4paws said:

I dont plan on every communicating with any men unless absolutely necessary and even then letting my husband know about them. Ive taken a polygraph and passed and ive been going to therapy. Ive come completely clean with my husband about everything I've knowingly lied to him and kept from him. Ive handled all of this horribly and I feel lost. I just don't know what to do. A huge part of me feels like I shouldn't even expect him to stay. That its wrong of me to want that because I want to choose his happiness over mine. Im not sure if he is sure about staying or leaving. Im trying to be patient and understanding. 

 

On 10/15/2020 at 4:45 PM, 4paws said:

I dont plan on every communicating with any men unless absolutely necessary and even then letting my husband know about them. Ive taken a polygraph and passed and ive been going to therapy. Ive come completely clean with my husband about everything I've knowingly lied to him and kept from him. Ive handled all of this horribly and I feel lost. I just don't know what to do. A huge part of me feels like I shouldn't even expect him to stay. That its wrong of me to want that because I want to choose his happiness over mine. Im not sure if he is sure about staying or leaving. Im trying to be patient and understanding. 

It’s not going to be okay tomorrow, next month and probably not next year. Is that something you can accept? IF you really want to make this up to him, then accept that - um - you’ve already said umpteen ways that you were clueless, insensitive, and did what you felt like. So by your own admission, you’re having to learn what you didn’t see before. Do you think you’re going to get at the bottom of your own insensibilities to him and to your own value system overnight? Stay in therapy as long as you possibly can. It’s not about him or figuring out why he’s reacting however he is. It’s about you and becoming responsible for your affect on people (although I hope he is getting his own therapy).

Yes, we all believe that you don’t remember. You’ve made that abundantly clear which is a blow to the solar plexus (your husband’s) right there. You didn’t even have enough empathy for how things affect him to realize how hurtful your actions were.

You’re trying. You’re trying. You’re trying. Are saying you’re tired of trying? Is it such a sacrifice? And if you end such a paragraph with “I’m trying to be patient and understanding,” it sounds nothing short of petulant. You’re complaining that you have to try so hard or that it’s not working? That you don’t see results of your enormous effort already?

Do you see how it comes across? You can’t just try; you have to BE patient and understanding. Nobody cares a whit about how hard you try if you can’t do it. It’s not his job to feel better just because you’re trying so hard. It just means more time. So if you’re really serious about fixing and making this better, then you need to remove the conditions you’re unconsciously putting on it. You know, when people commit a crime and go to prison, they don’t get to make the terms of their incarceration according to when they think they’re sufficiently remorseful. If you commit the crime, you do the time. If you  truly accept that you are accountable to him, then you accept that you will keep trying no matter how long it takes. 

Listen, it all depends on how completely you turn yourself inside out for him AND for yourself. It’s not just he who needs for you to do this work to become an aware, honest person who has decided what kind of person she wants to be. It’s also for you, and if you want to become a better person independent of your relationship with him, he will be much more likely to trust you. That is, right now you’re clearly doing all this soul-searching as a means to an end - getting your husband to forgive you. So who can fully trust that? The person with the shady values who could rationalize and rug-sweep wihtout missing a beat will go right back to being that same selfish, insensitive partner. But if you can get there and be someone that YOU like, respect and feel proud of, then you can be straightforward and clear about how you are and what your intentions are. Others can make choices based on that and you can be your own person. If you are able to reach a place of acceptance about yourself and others along with a calm ability to empathize, your kindness, love and concern for others will  come across and help them trust you. 

 

 

 

 

[Buffer]

On 10/16/2020 at 8:39 AM, 4paws said:

I have taken a polygraph and I passed it. I am being completely honest with my husband about everything now. Ive been trying to fix everything but im really not sure it is fixable. Ive ruined his trust completely. Ive been going to therapy and ive opened up to him and told him everything that I have knowingly kept from him and lied to him about. Im worried the damage is done and there isnt any coming back from it.

Quite possible here. Unfortunate I know but very possible.

one day at a time 

Buffer

[Loneheart]

On 10/19/2020 at 8:50 AM, Robybon said:

Why is your Husband going through your phone records? I think he suspected you were unfaithful. Maybe the story isn't how you told it. 

It started because I went out for a friend's birthday and stayed out til 4 due to events that happened that night. He heard my friends neighbor asking everyone to keep it down and thats what caused him to go through my phone records.

[Loneheart]

On 10/19/2020 at 3:28 PM, SRCSRC said:

Certainly sounds like you are going the extra mile to make things right with your husband.  Of course you cannot avoid men the rest of your life.  You simply have to keep assuring your husband that you will never have close male friends again.  You will continue to work with males, but your relationships must remain at arms length.  Plutonic close relationships with the opposite sex is a recipe for disaster.  Too many of these relationships evolve into affairs.  There are plenty of women that you can cultivate as close friends.  Your husband should be able to get past this problem eventually provided you remain honest and transparent.  It will take awhile.   The fact that you didn't have a physical affair makes R so much more possible. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. 

Thank you for your input. I think how I have handled it all has made it all that much worse. The trust is completely gone and I dont think he will ever be able to get over it.

[Loneheart]

On 10/19/2020 at 5:47 PM, merrmeade said:

 

It’s not going to be okay tomorrow, next month and probably not next year. Is that something you can accept? IF you really want to make this up to him, then accept that - um - you’ve already said umpteen ways that you were clueless, insensitive, and did what you felt like. So by your own admission, you’re having to learn what you didn’t see before. Do you think you’re going to get at the bottom of your own insensibilities to him and to your own value system overnight? Stay in therapy as long as you possibly can. It’s not about him or figuring out why he’s reacting however he is. It’s about you and becoming responsible for your affect on people (although I hope he is getting his own therapy).

Yes, we all believe that you don’t remember. You’ve made that abundantly clear which is a blow to the solar plexus (your husband’s) right there. You didn’t even have enough empathy for how things affect him to realize how hurtful your actions were.

You’re trying. You’re trying. You’re trying. Are saying you’re tired of trying? Is it such a sacrifice? And if you end such a paragraph with “I’m trying to be patient and understanding,” it sounds nothing short of petulant. You’re complaining that you have to try so hard or that it’s not working? That you don’t see results of your enormous effort already?

Do you see how it comes across? You can’t just try; you have to BE patient and understanding. Nobody cares a whit about how hard you try if you can’t do it. It’s not his job to feel better just because you’re trying so hard. It just means more time. So if you’re really serious about fixing and making this better, then you need to remove the conditions you’re unconsciously putting on it. You know, when people commit a crime and go to prison, they don’t get to make the terms of their incarceration according to when they think they’re sufficiently remorseful. If you commit the crime, you do the time. If you  truly accept that you are accountable to him, then you accept that you will keep trying no matter how long it takes. 

Listen, it all depends on how completely you turn yourself inside out for him AND for yourself. It’s not just he who needs for you to do this work to become an aware, honest person who has decided what kind of person she wants to be. It’s also for you, and if you want to become a better person independent of your relationship with him, he will be much more likely to trust you. That is, right now you’re clearly doing all this soul-searching as a means to an end - getting your husband to forgive you. So who can fully trust that? The person with the shady values who could rationalize and rug-sweep wihtout missing a beat will go right back to being that same selfish, insensitive partner. But if you can get there and be someone that YOU like, respect and feel proud of, then you can be straightforward and clear about how you are and what your intentions are. Others can make choices based on that and you can be your own person. If you are able to reach a place of acceptance about yourself and others along with a calm ability to empathize, your kindness, love and concern for others will  come across and help them trust you. 

 

 

 

 

That was very insightful to me. I feel like he has been trying to say that to me but he wasnt coming across as clear as you have. Since all of this ive noticed in my other relationships/friendships I've had the same issues. Im working on myself every day. All of this has opened my eyes to the person I've really been and its not someone I like at all. Its someone I would unfortunately judge. He feels like he doesn't know who I am and now I kind of feel like I dont know who I am or was either.

[Loneheart]

Just now, 4paws said:

That was very insightful to me. I feel like he has been trying to say that to me but he wasnt coming across as clear as you have. Since all of this ive noticed in my other relationships/friendships I've had the same issues. Im working on myself every day. All of this has opened my eyes to the person I've really been and its not someone I like at all. Its someone I would unfortunately judge. He feels like he doesn't know who I am and now I kind of feel like I dont know who I am or was either.

When im saying im trying, I mean it as im doing what I feel i possibly can to make things better or fix things. Ive gotten to where I feel like he may be better off without me because if this situation happened to anyone else I would probably tell them it may be best to leave the situation. Especially considering everything that has happened. I dont want to give up on us but im also trying not to be selfish and think about what's best for him. At the end of the day I care more about him and his happiness than my own. I know I can be/am the wife he has always loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that still can't erase what has happened.

[usa1ah]

On 8/13/2020 at 9:51 PM, 4paws said:

I think the reason I defied my now husband when he told me he didn't want me talking to my ex was me being selfish and inconsiderate. I only thought about myself and not my now husband. I think i was afraid to stop talking to my ex because he was such a big part of my life and I moved on from him to my now husband so quickly. I never felt like i didn't want to be with my now husband or that I wanted to be back with my ex. I fell for my now husband hard and fast and dont ever regret moving into our relationship together. I regret that I led him into a relationship that wasnt honest. I kept that from him because i justified that I trusted myself to not ever take things to a physical level and that no matter what I loved my now husband so much. I truly never realized that I cheated on my now husband even though it wasn't physical until he showed me an article saying that even if its not physical because the relationship was hidden from my noe husband I cheated and that killed me. It opened my eyes to the fact that i was this person i never thought I was. How could I do something like that to him? I had cheated on the love of my life and never realized that thats what I did. I realize it now and I take full responsibility for it. Ive had to look at myself in a different way and I have seen that i dont like the person that i was and possibly still am. I was always such a hypocrite about everything my now husband did even though none of it compared to what I did to him. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate that I could ever cause my husband so much pain and suffering. I lied to him to protect myself when he should have always came first. I have always felt in love with my husband even back then and people say how can you say you love someone and do these things? I dont know the answer other than maybe I'm a complete waste of skin horrible person. Who in actuality lived a very different life than she thought she did. I justified everything by thinking it wasnt a big deal, I trust myself, ill never cross a line. But none of that mattered and it was all unrealistic. Because all of it did matter and I shouldve never put myself in a position to have these relationships. I was completely satisfied and happy and in love with my now husband during all of this. I honestly don't understand why I did what I did. I regret it all. Im saddened that I could do that to him. I hate that I have destroyed all the trust my husband had for me. I always considered myself an honest person and then got blindsided by the fact that I'm not that at all. I wasnt then and I hadnt been before now. I put myself in my husband's shoes and I dont think i would be able to handle all of this, i would be so distrought and  angry i would snap. I wouldn't believe me either or trust me at all. I can't prove things other than I went and took a polygraph test and he got to pick the questions and i passed with flying colors. That eased his mind for maybe a day or so. I think he still thinks i had sex with them or even other men that he doesnt know about. I never have nor will I ever. I dont know how to help him heal and move forward when i can't remember anything and don't have proof. I'd give anything to be able to answer all of his questions regardless of how it makes me look. I honestly couldn't look worse than I do now. Like i said I want him to be happy and I dont know if he can ever have that with me again. I shouldve never even had to put him or us in this position. Ive ruined us, our relationship, our love and im so lost i dont know what to do.

I hope you can save your relationship with your husband. 
 

There are books about how to regain your husband’s trust. 

[pepperbird2]

Regaining trust can take a log time. It's happens because , through a long series of small daily actions, your husband will learn that you can be trusted. It's not going to be like before, but that's okay. If you two can work through this, your marriage may well be a lot stronger and far more mature of a relationship.

[merrmeade]

On 10/22/2020 at 1:13 AM, 4paws said:

When im saying im trying, I mean it as im doing what I feel i possibly can to make things better or fix things.

Yes, you are.

Ive gotten to where I feel like he may be better off without me because if this situation happened to anyone else I would probably tell them it may be best to leave the situation. Especially considering everything that has happened. I dont want to give up on us but im also trying not to be selfish and think about what's best for him.

Now, there you go again with that pessimism. So many things wrong with this. It’s giving up and losing your focus, throwing your hands in the air and giving in to hopelessness. It’s turning the spotlight on yourself again and how badly you fked up. 

Read the next two posts about patience and trust. It. Takes. TIme. 

At the end of the day I care more about him and his happiness than my own. I know I can be/am the wife he has always loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that still can't erase what has happened.

That’s better. That’s looking toward the grown-up you want to be.

 

[Loneheart]

On 8/15/2020 at 1:29 AM, merrmeade said:

Instead of freaking out, you need to figure out.

Seems to me you’re just beginning to be self-aware. That you claim to be so clueless about what you did and why is what makes it hard to believe you. You don’t stop and think about what’s important and then you rationalize what you want to do.

Even your writing is hard to follow. No paragraphs. You don’t identify and group your ideas, but instead push all the ideas and words together in one long paragraph, forcing your readers to work harder to follow your line of thought and identify the ideas that make your point. They were actually there, so I took the liberty of separating the ideas in your post into paragraphs. It could help a lot for you to think about the difference in how you think even now.

You need to do the same thing with your life. If you can think with logical intent about your life, your actions, your motives, it would be a good start toward making sense of your thoughtless betrayal of your husband’s trust. The therapist is overdue and will help put everything together so that at least you can speak coherently and with mature understanding about everything.

There's still so much here that doesn't jibe. Even if it did all make sense, you still need to understand that it's just not instantaneous for your husband, who's been lied to for so long, to heal. Your odd objectivity about your actions might even make it worse. The therapist is important to help you identify the parts you're not admitting. 

You have to say it all, and he needs to hear you say it.

I'm still struggling with everything because I dont know why I have done all of this. Why did I feel the need to have these relationships? I dont feel as though my therapist is helping see my reasonings.

Its scary to me how little I remember and its honestly true that I dont remember hardly anything. I really want to be able to give him all the answers he needs. I cant figure out how to do that if I dont remember anything. Ive been trying to see if I can somehow retrieve old deleted messages but I havent found a way since I no longer have the phone I did back then.

[Loneheart]

On 8/15/2020 at 3:45 AM, Acacia98 said:

Time has not shown anything. Her husband has no way of actually knowing what happened between her and those men. For all he knows, she may have been having hot steamy sex with them for months and then ended those relationships when she got bored. 

Her big mistake was disregarding his boundary when he told her where it lay. She herself says that he told her she could continue talking to her ex, but he wouldn't hang around for that. If what he was saying was unreasonable, at that point, she should have disagreed with him and even ultimately ended their relationship if neither of them was willing to budge. Instead, she chose to trample all over his boundary but to hide that from him. That is the definition of disrespecting your significant other. It's also called cake-eating. It's not the foundation for any kind of heathy relationship.

People have the right to decide what kind of relationship to be in. She took that choice away from him, and she did it in such a way that he wouldn't know if it was safe to trust her even if he wanted to make things work. The guy is not being irrational or anything like that. He's understandably heartbroken.

I completely agree with you. Its been really hard looking at myself in the mirror knowing how much I betrayed him. I love him so much and I dont want to hurt him anymore. After thinking about it all I told him that if this situation was with anyone else I would tell them to leave for their sake. I dont want that, but I know what this is doing to him and I dont know if I can fix it. I want whats best for him and I havent proven to be that.