inappropriate relationships/infidelity

[merrmeade]

On 10/22/2020 at 1:13 AM, 4paws said:

When im saying im trying, I mean it as im doing what I feel i possibly can to make things better or fix things.

Yes, you are.

Ive gotten to where I feel like he may be better off without me because if this situation happened to anyone else I would probably tell them it may be best to leave the situation. Especially considering everything that has happened. I dont want to give up on us but im also trying not to be selfish and think about what's best for him.

Now, there you go again with that pessimism. So many things wrong with this. It’s giving up and losing your focus, throwing your hands in the air and giving in to hopelessness. It’s turning the spotlight on yourself again and how badly you fked up. 

Read the next two posts about patience and trust. It. Takes. TIme. 

At the end of the day I care more about him and his happiness than my own. I know I can be/am the wife he has always loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that still can't erase what has happened.

That’s better. That’s looking toward the grown-up you want to be.

 

[Loneheart]

On 8/15/2020 at 1:29 AM, merrmeade said:

Instead of freaking out, you need to figure out.

Seems to me you’re just beginning to be self-aware. That you claim to be so clueless about what you did and why is what makes it hard to believe you. You don’t stop and think about what’s important and then you rationalize what you want to do.

Even your writing is hard to follow. No paragraphs. You don’t identify and group your ideas, but instead push all the ideas and words together in one long paragraph, forcing your readers to work harder to follow your line of thought and identify the ideas that make your point. They were actually there, so I took the liberty of separating the ideas in your post into paragraphs. It could help a lot for you to think about the difference in how you think even now.

You need to do the same thing with your life. If you can think with logical intent about your life, your actions, your motives, it would be a good start toward making sense of your thoughtless betrayal of your husband’s trust. The therapist is overdue and will help put everything together so that at least you can speak coherently and with mature understanding about everything.

There's still so much here that doesn't jibe. Even if it did all make sense, you still need to understand that it's just not instantaneous for your husband, who's been lied to for so long, to heal. Your odd objectivity about your actions might even make it worse. The therapist is important to help you identify the parts you're not admitting. 

You have to say it all, and he needs to hear you say it.

I'm still struggling with everything because I dont know why I have done all of this. Why did I feel the need to have these relationships? I dont feel as though my therapist is helping see my reasonings.

Its scary to me how little I remember and its honestly true that I dont remember hardly anything. I really want to be able to give him all the answers he needs. I cant figure out how to do that if I dont remember anything. Ive been trying to see if I can somehow retrieve old deleted messages but I havent found a way since I no longer have the phone I did back then.

[Loneheart]

On 8/15/2020 at 3:45 AM, Acacia98 said:

Time has not shown anything. Her husband has no way of actually knowing what happened between her and those men. For all he knows, she may have been having hot steamy sex with them for months and then ended those relationships when she got bored. 

Her big mistake was disregarding his boundary when he told her where it lay. She herself says that he told her she could continue talking to her ex, but he wouldn't hang around for that. If what he was saying was unreasonable, at that point, she should have disagreed with him and even ultimately ended their relationship if neither of them was willing to budge. Instead, she chose to trample all over his boundary but to hide that from him. That is the definition of disrespecting your significant other. It's also called cake-eating. It's not the foundation for any kind of heathy relationship.

People have the right to decide what kind of relationship to be in. She took that choice away from him, and she did it in such a way that he wouldn't know if it was safe to trust her even if he wanted to make things work. The guy is not being irrational or anything like that. He's understandably heartbroken.

I completely agree with you. Its been really hard looking at myself in the mirror knowing how much I betrayed him. I love him so much and I dont want to hurt him anymore. After thinking about it all I told him that if this situation was with anyone else I would tell them to leave for their sake. I dont want that, but I know what this is doing to him and I dont know if I can fix it. I want whats best for him and I havent proven to be that.

[Loneheart]

On 10/23/2020 at 9:25 PM, merrmeade said:

 

I feel like you are more helpful to me than my therapist has been.

[Loneheart]

On 8/15/2020 at 9:42 AM, Fletch Lives said:

It sounds like you were having emotional relationships with these men. And yes it can make your partner jealous, it's understandable.

You have to stop it and get some girlfriends!

I hope you keep going to therapy, it can help. But time is the great healer...........hopefully, in time, your hubby will get over it.

I hope he can because I love him more than anything. I have been dealing with all of this on my own. I feel like I've gotten to where I dont need these relationships at all. My husband explained it to me that these people who I though I was friends with weren't my friends to begin with. I see that he is right. The only person who has always been there for me and supported me and always had my back was the one person I hurt more than anyone my whole life.

[Loneheart]

On 9/10/2020 at 8:51 PM, SRCSRC said:

Number one, no more male confidants or friends.  Get your emotional need met to discuss anything from a good, close, caring girlfriend who won't try to sabotage your marriage. Number two, come absolutely clean with your husband, offer him access to your cellphone, computer emails etc.  Suggest that you will sit for a polygraph test and any questions can be asked.  Your husband suspects that you have done more than just talk.  It's up to you to go the extra distance to right the ship and save your marriage.  He should get over it if you do the right thing but it will take time. Therapy is a possibility, but be careful who you choose.  Some therapists have no clue, especially when it has to do with affairs.  Our therapist told me that I should already have gotten over my ex-wife's affair.  This was two weeks after I found out. 

He has had access to all of my accounts and my phone ever since this has all happened. Im not sure my therapist is a right fit for me because he isn't helping me get to the root of my issues and why I did what I did.

[Loneheart]

On 9/12/2020 at 2:08 AM, S2B said:

but you COULD recover those texts IF you wanted to.

the fact is - you totally betrayed your husband to stroke your ego. You ruined the marriage.

do you realize that?

what do you plan to DO to repair the damage you caused? Be specific.

 

are you aware you avoid answering the hard questions and aren’t very forthcoming? This style of non-communication will definitely harm your marriage even further.

I have tried to figure out how to recover those texts. I no longer have the phone I did back then. I called my phone carrier and asked them and they told me I can't retrieve them. I have searched online but everything I find is for my phone now. 

How im trying to repair the damage is being honest with him about everything I possibly can. He has access to everything on my phone and all my accounts. Im letting him know where I'm going who I am with and what im doing. Im mostly just going to work and coming home and thats it.

The biggest thing he wants is to know what all we talked about and I honestly can't remember. I would give anything to retrieve all my messages regardless of how I come off in them. I want him to have every answer he needs. Im not trying to put myself before him anymore. I dont want to hurt him ever again.

[Loneheart]

On 6/14/2020 at 8:03 PM, ShyViolet said:

So why were you doing this?  If it was not physical, it was not about sex or attraction, why were you having these intense "relationships" with these guys and then keeping it a secret from your husband?

I'm not totally sure why I felt the need to have these relationships. I gained nothing from then and I risked everything I have with my husband. I kept them secret because I didnt want him to get mad at me and break up with me. Thats a sad excuse for a reason but its true. I didnt want to lose him but I still wanted to be friends with the others.

[Loneheart]

On 6/14/2020 at 10:27 PM, Buffer said:

Roll reversal is one way to understand what your hubby is going through. The question remains ‘Why did you need to maintain both relationships with your exH as well as your male nurse friend’. 
Addressing that may give you more to offer.
But BS is looking at what you did, your emotions as to why you needed to: as well as your emotional disconnect from hubby. Also how you were able to lie so convincingly over the years. 
Just my opinion. 
One day at a time

Buffer

I'm hoping my therapist can help me understand why more. 

[Loneheart]

On 6/15/2020 at 1:29 AM, IslandSanctuary said:

But they were still together in a relationship for at least a year and longer in other cases. Doesn't matter if they weren't married. 

I agree. A wedding ring doesn't change the relationship. Dating or married none of it shouldve happened. 

[Loneheart]

On 6/15/2020 at 9:43 PM, Wanderlust2018 said:

This was extremely disrespectful behavior, and I suspect you tend to need ongoing validation from men outside of your primary relationship. You knew, or at least suspected it was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have been sneaking around to do it. Doing it by omission of facts is still a lie and erodes trust, a basic covenant and foundation of a healthy relationship. 

It was completely disrespectful and deceitful. I wish I could go back in time and change it all. I regret everything. 

[S2B]

4 hours ago, 4paws said:

He has had access to all of my accounts and my phone ever since this has all happened. Im not sure my therapist is a right fit for me because he isn't helping me get to the root of my issues and why I did what I did.

Most people do it to get attention from others. That’s an insecurity you can work on.

its also a boundary issue and you can work on that too.

trust isn’t earned overnight. Only consistent behavior that is trustworthy shows evidence that you have made effort to change.

if needed find a new therapist. One that’s tough and call you out on bad behavior - and also show you what new behavior you can do to earn trust in a more positive manner.

[Noproblem]

I think you are living with a control freak who doesn't want you speak and have any friendship with any male guys.. 

I don't see why you should feel guilty about innocent friendship, you shouldn't let him control you and who you talk to, you are not his slave but your own person.

You should raise your head and said I did it because I wanted to speak with these people  and since you are such a controlling individual ; had to hide innocent friendship, but I won't from now on, so take it or leave it!

Stop enabling your husband to control what you do.

 

If you are true in saying everything was innocent, nothing sexual or emotional, then first you have nothing to hide, second you have nothing to feel guilty about, third, you have nothing to fear!

He told you either you cut any ties with your ex or I am out, he is the controlling, he is the one who use threats instead of healthy conversations and attitude.  Not all people cut their exes from their lives. .

 

and i don't care about the others who made you feel like you committed a crime for texting someone other than your husband, he is your husband but not necessarily a best friend! Not all husbands or wives are best friends so let's not be saint about this..

Of course lying is wrong but also threat and forcing and controlling and suspicion, he always suspects you.. He doesn't trust you, otherwise why would he look at your phone.. How can someone live with someone who does not trust him/her

Suspicion is also a disease, and he has it!

 

Edited October 26, 2020 by Noproblem

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, 4paws said:

He has had access to all of my accounts and my phone ever since this has all happened.

Stop that immediately. Entering a police/criminal dynamic is damaging nonsense. Whose crazy idea was that?

This does zero to improve trust. Any fool knows this doesn't prevent cheating.

If your marriage has turned into a cat and mouse game or some BDSM humiliating scenario, you can end it at any time.

[merrmeade]

On 10/26/2020 at 4:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop that immediately. Entering a police/criminal dynamic is damaging nonsense. Whose crazy idea was that?

This does zero to improve trust. Any fool knows this doesn't prevent cheating.

If your marriage has turned into a cat and mouse game or some BDSM humiliating scenario, you can end it at any time.

You’re wrong. That’s just a knee-jerk reaction because fortunately you’ve never experienced infidelity and/or betrayal, I’d venture. Offering access to all corners of your life for a while helps the cheat-ee BEGIN to consider believing the cheat-er can be trusted. It’s Infidelity 101.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, merrmeade said:

 helps the cheat-ee BEGIN to consider believing the cheat-er can be trusted. 

The "cheatee", should have the self respect to leave.

Cheaters love games, that's why they cheat in the first place. This means that policing them will just be a new game level of fun to elude and  deceive.

For example do "cheatees" really believe that the cheaters will use one phone and on that one phone have steamy text exchanges?

Do "cheatees" actually believe that thier cheaters won't just be more careful about getting caught?

Do "cheatees" really believe that thier cheaters had some sort of epiphany and will suddenly have a basic character turnaround just because  checking devices and snooping basically cures cheating?

Cheating is not and never has been a device problem. It's a character flaw.

 

[Loneheart]

On 10/26/2020 at 2:55 AM, Noproblem said:

I think you are living with a control freak who doesn't want you speak and have any friendship with any male guys.. 

I don't see why you should feel guilty about innocent friendship, you shouldn't let him control you and who you talk to, you are not his slave but your own person.

You should raise your head and said I did it because I wanted to speak with these people  and since you are such a controlling individual ; had to hide innocent friendship, but I won't from now on, so take it or leave it!

Stop enabling your husband to control what you do.

 

If you are true in saying everything was innocent, nothing sexual or emotional, then first you have nothing to hide, second you have nothing to feel guilty about, third, you have nothing to fear!

He told you either you cut any ties with your ex or I am out, he is the controlling, he is the one who use threats instead of healthy conversations and attitude.  Not all people cut their exes from their lives. .

 

and i don't care about the others who made you feel like you committed a crime for texting someone other than your husband, he is your husband but not necessarily a best friend! Not all husbands or wives are best friends so let's not be saint about this..

Of course lying is wrong but also threat and forcing and controlling and suspicion, he always suspects you.. He doesn't trust you, otherwise why would he look at your phone.. How can someone live with someone who does not trust him/her

Suspicion is also a disease, and he has it!

 

I dont think my husband is controlling at all. Him and I set boundaries together in the beginning of our relationship. I did not honor them and still expected him to honor them.

I was a hypocrite and made him delete women on FB and Instagram because I was insecure about myself. I have extremely low self esteem and I didnt like it. If I asked him to delete someone he did no questions asked. I trust my husband very much.

At the time all of this happened I didnt feel like I was really doing anything wrong. But now that I have been going over it all I did. I never wanted to be with my ex or nurse, I wasnt ever physical with them. But I did lie to him, I hid these relationships from him, I was a hypocrite. These things can't just go away. I let them happen and when I put myself in his shoes, I would feel the same way he does.

I hid stuff, I deleted stuff, I called my ex husband from my sisters phone to find out what him and my husband talked about. Even though I hadn't spoken to him in years. I betrayed my husband in the worst way. I have to take responsibility for it.

[Loneheart]

On 10/25/2020 at 9:44 PM, 4paws said:

He has had access to all of my accounts and my phone ever since this has all happened. Im not sure my therapist is a right fit for me because he isn't helping me get to the root of my issues and why I did what I did.

One time he told me he was going to call my ex husband to get answers. I told him that was fine because nothing was going on with us. He came home later that day and showed me a video of him calling my ex. In the video it never showed them talking just my husband's phone calling my ex. Then my husband asked me if I was sure I had nothing to tell him I said no I said what I said was true. He said he had another video of them actually talking but I couldn't see it.

Later we went to eat and my husband was cold towards me. He was acting mad at me and I knew if my ex told him the truth he shouldn't be mad. So I got suspicious and when my husband left for work that night I used my sisters phone to call my ex t see what he told my husband. I was mad at my ex because if my husband was mad that meant he lied. 

My ex told me that he never spoke to my husband. He had a missed call from him but didn't know who it was so he didn't answer. Later when my husband came home he showed me that he recorded me asking my sister to use her phone to call me ex. When my husband asked me about it at first I lied and told him I didnt call me ex. Then he showed me the recording. He asked if I wouldve ever told him I called my ex and I said probably not.

Before that call to my ex I hadn't spoken to him in years. I told him he knew nothing ever happened between us and he said he would call my husband back and let him know the truth. I told him not to lie to him. My husband thinks we were trying to cover up our story. That wasn't the case but I understand why he felt that way. 

I have handled every situation horribly and I wish I could take all of it back. 

[Loneheart]

On 10/26/2020 at 5:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop that immediately. Entering a police/criminal dynamic is damaging nonsense. Whose crazy idea was that?

This does zero to improve trust. Any fool knows this doesn't prevent cheating.

If your marriage has turned into a cat and mouse game or some BDSM humiliating scenario, you can end it at any time.

I am totally ok with him having access to my phone and everything else. I dont want to lie to him or keep anything from him anymore ever again. Im the reason all of this has happened. 

One time he told me he was going to call my ex husband to get answers. I told him that was fine because nothing was going on with us. He came home later that day and showed me a video of him calling my ex. In the video it never showed them talking just my husband's phone calling my ex. Then my husband asked me if I was sure I had nothing to tell him I said no I said what I said was true. He said he had another video of them actually talking but I couldn't see it.

Later we went to eat and my husband was cold towards me. He was acting mad at me and I knew if my ex told him the truth he shouldn't be mad. So I got suspicious and when my husband left for work that night I used my sisters phone to call my ex t see what he told my husband. I was mad at my ex because if my husband was mad that meant he lied. 

My ex told me that he never spoke to my husband. He had a missed call from him but didn't know who it was so he didn't answer. Later when my husband came home he showed me that he recorded me asking my sister to use her phone to call me ex. When my husband asked me about it at first I lied and told him I didnt call me ex. Then he showed me the recording. He asked if I wouldve ever told him I called my ex and I said probably not.

Before that call to my ex I hadn't spoken to him in years. I told him he knew nothing ever happened between us and he said he would call my husband back and let him know the truth. I told him not to lie to him. My husband thinks we were trying to cover up our story. That wasn't the case but I understand why he felt that way. 

I have handled every situation horribly and I wish I could take all of it back. 

[Loneheart]

On 10/26/2020 at 1:47 AM, S2B said:

Most people do it to get attention from others. That’s an insecurity you can work on.

its also a boundary issue and you can work on that too.

trust isn’t earned overnight. Only consistent behavior that is trustworthy shows evidence that you have made effort to change.

if needed find a new therapist. One that’s tough and call you out on bad behavior - and also show you what new behavior you can do to earn trust in a more positive

 One time he told me he was going to call my ex husband to get answers. I told him that was fine because nothing was going on with us. He came home later that day and showed me a video of him calling my ex. In the video it never showed them talking just my husband's phone calling my ex. Then my husband asked me if I was sure I had nothing to tell him I said no I said what I said was true. He said he had another video of them actually talking but I couldn't see it.

Later we went to eat and my husband was cold towards me. He was acting mad at me and I knew if my ex told him the truth he shouldn't be mad. So I got suspicious and when my husband left for work that night I used my sisters phone to call my ex t see what he told my husband. I was mad at my ex because if my husband was mad that meant he lied. 

My ex told me that he never spoke to my husband. He had a missed call from him but didn't know who it was so he didn't answer. Later when my husband came home he showed me that he recorded me asking my sister to use her phone to call me ex. When my husband asked me about it at first I lied and told him I didnt call me ex. Then he showed me the recording. He asked if I wouldve ever told him I called my ex and I said probably not.

Before that call to my ex I hadn't spoken to him in years. I told him he knew nothing ever happened between us and he said he would call my husband back and let him know the truth. I told him not to lie to him. My husband thinks we were trying to cover up our story. That wasn't the case but I understand why he felt that way. 

I have handled every situation horribly and I wish I could take all of it back. 

[Loneheart]

On 10/26/2020 at 5:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop that immediately. Entering a police/criminal dynamic is damaging nonsense. Whose crazy idea was that?

This does zero to improve trust. Any fool knows this doesn't prevent cheating.

If your marriage has turned into a cat and mouse game or some BDSM humiliating scenario, you can end it at any time.

 

One time he told me he was going to call my ex husband to get answers. I told him that was fine because nothing was going on with us. He came home later that day and showed me a video of him calling my ex. In the video it never showed them talking just my husband's phone calling my ex. Then my husband asked me if I was sure I had nothing to tell him I said no I said what I said was true. He said he had another video of them actually talking but I couldn't see it.

Later we went to eat and my husband was cold towards me. He was acting mad at me and I knew if my ex told him the truth he shouldn't be mad. So I got suspicious and when my husband left for work that night I used my sisters phone to call my ex t see what he told my husband. I was mad at my ex because if my husband was mad that meant he lied. 

My ex told me that he never spoke to my husband. He had a missed call from him but didn't know who it was so he didn't answer. Later when my husband came home he showed me that he recorded me asking my sister to use her phone to call me ex. When my husband asked me about it at first I lied and told him I didnt call me ex. Then he showed me the recording. He asked if I wouldve ever told him I called my ex and I said probably not.

Before that call to my ex I hadn't spoken to him in years. I told him he knew nothing ever happened between us and he said he would call my husband back and let him know the truth. I told him not to lie to him. My husband thinks we were trying to cover up our story. That wasn't the case but I understand why he felt that way. 

I have handled every situation horribly and I wish I could take all of it back. 

[Loneheart]

On 11/1/2020 at 4:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

The "cheatee", should have the self respect to leave.

Cheaters love games, that's why they cheat in the first place. This means that policing them will just be a new game level of fun to elude and  deceive.

For example do "cheatees" really believe that the cheaters will use one phone and on that one phone have steamy text exchanges?

Do "cheatees" actually believe that thier cheaters won't just be more careful about getting caught?

Do "cheatees" really believe that thier cheaters had some sort of epiphany and will suddenly have a basic character turnaround just because  checking devices and snooping basically cures cheating?

Cheating is not and never has been a device problem. It's a character flaw.

 

 One time he told me he was going to call my ex husband to get answers. I told him that was fine because nothing was going on with us. He came home later that day and showed me a video of him calling my ex. In the video it never showed them talking just my husband's phone calling my ex. Then my husband asked me if I was sure I had nothing to tell him I said no I said what I said was true. He said he had another video of them actually talking but I couldn't see it.

Later we went to eat and my husband was cold towards me. He was acting mad at me and I knew if my ex told him the truth he shouldn't be mad. So I got suspicious and when my husband left for work that night I used my sisters phone to call my ex t see what he told my husband. I was mad at my ex because if my husband was mad that meant he lied. 

My ex told me that he never spoke to my husband. He had a missed call from him but didn't know who it was so he didn't answer. Later when my husband came home he showed me that he recorded me asking my sister to use her phone to call me ex. When my husband asked me about it at first I lied and told him I didnt call me ex. Then he showed me the recording. He asked if I wouldve ever told him I called my ex and I said probably not.

Before that call to my ex I hadn't spoken to him in years. I told him he knew nothing ever happened between us and he said he would call my husband back and let him know the truth. I told him not to lie to him. My husband thinks we were trying to cover up our story. That wasn't the case but I understand why he felt that way. 

I have handled every situation horribly and I wish I could take all of it back. Me doing this made it to where my husband can't even trust that I wouldn't do that again. I havent and dont want to, but I broke that trust. Most cheaters actually cheat physically and thats not what happened here. It isn't and wasn't a game. There was no joy or excitement that happened when all of this happened. 

I have many flaws, and my character is a huge one. I own up to what I did even though I didnt bring any of it to light. My husband had to find everything on his own. I made him have to do that. 

[schlumpy]

I think you have it right. You have given him every reason to believe he can't trust you.

If you want to stay you have to pay penance. Length of time is undertermined.

Don't be disappointed if your relationship does not not go back to what it was before. You changed it but if you try hard enough, maybe it can be for the better.

[elaine567]

On 10/16/2020 at 12:14 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Stop trying to fix this. Right now your sick husband is treating you like a prisoner because he's been reading about how to get even and humiliate you.

The jerk should have simply divorced you. He will eventually anyway, but first he wants to torment you a while with this controlling abusive nonsense.

^^^ this.
4paws
You only get one life, get free asap.

Else this husband of yours will ruin your mental health for years, if not forever.

[Ellener]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this.
4paws
You only get one life, get free asap.

Else this husband of yours will ruin your mental health for years, if not forever.

I totally think you are right in an ideal situation but most women in our world have inadvertently been dependent on men for housing, and in the US health care.

My husband was physically abusive so I did the only thing I could and threw him out but I had always let his career take precedence because that's what women my age did in my culture.

Everything comes at a price. 

Now I realise what damage it all did to my son, because he loves me but of course it would be a better life for him as a sexist.