inappropriate relationships/infidelity

[Robert2016]

Interesting that your secret relationships with the EX and the Nurse occurred at the same time.   FYI, EXs are extremely high risk (for obvious reasons).   Your husband was reasonable to insist on NC (which you agreed to) as a condition of being with him.

There is no time limit on a lie.  I've seen posts that uncovered a lie from 25 years ago.  Better to deal with it now.

IMO, here's some things you need to address that are swimming around in your husband's head:

1 - People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.  Therefore, by keeping it secret you effectively admitted (in your husband's head) that there was something inappropriate that you didn't want him to 'ever' know about. 

2 - If he had known about the continued contact with the EX, he would have broke up with you.  He is very (very) aware that he is only with you today because you lied to him.

3 - His pain, disappointment, and anger with your behavior is just as strong now as if he had caught you back then. Better for you two to process this now than 10 years from now.  Don't pretend it's history or that time makes it less destructive (this won't go away on its own).

4 - The time and energy invested with the two OM should have been devoted to him. 

5 - Do not expect him to trust your explanation.  He can't (because you lied about the EX and hide the relationship with the Nurse). 

From now on he will only judge you on your actions vs your words.

What can you do to convince him that you are a safe life partner?

1 - offer to take a polygraph (it makes a statement)

2 -  Google and read up on "Not Just Friends".  There are articles and books on the topic that you two can both read and discuss.  Make your marriage bullet proof.  It should be required reading for couples.  It's a topic that's been heavily researched by interviewing couples that experienced infidelity.  It's an easy read and eliminates a lot of the defensiveness surrounding the topic. Good people  (not intending to have an affair) can have affairs.  Everyone thought they were in control and it was not a romantic relationship - until it quickly got out of control. And it's surprising how common certain behaviors are that expose the marriage to a high risk of infidelity.      

3 - Get yourself into individual therapy. It not only makes a statement but will help you.  Your behavior was:  selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for him.  Own it. You need to stop justifying to yourself that anything less than sex was ok.  Each of those secret relationships satisfied some need in you. Find out what and fix it.

4 - Let him know that you recognize that your behavior destroyed his trust and how you plan to rebuild his trust.  Offer him a non contested divorce if after six months he doesn't feel safe with you.

5 - Consider offering him a post nup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Robert2016]

Also, along with outlining your plan, consider writing him love letters:  why you love him, why you want to spend your life with him, where you see the two of you 5 years from now.

[lolablue17]

Since you lied, there is no point in trying to convince him that the rest is true. Your word worth nothing now. 

But you can change things in the present and future. Be creative and try to find as many ways to express your love to him. Every day something new. You might get rejected sometimes but do not let it change your course. Just constantly prove him that you love him. 

And of course, give up your privacy, say that from today you are willing to let him access to everything about you. 

If you do both, you have a reasonable chance to keep him. He is now hurt, trying to find the last straw that will give him the strength to leave you. Don't give him this straw, and he might calm down after a while. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by lolablue17

[Loneheart]

23 hours ago, Robert2016 said:

Interesting that your secret relationships with the EX and the Nurse occurred at the same time.   FYI, EXs are extremely high risk (for obvious reasons).   Your husband was reasonable to insist on NC (which you agreed to) as a condition of being with him.

There is no time limit on a lie.  I've seen posts that uncovered a lie from 25 years ago.  Better to deal with it now.

IMO, here's some things you need to address that are swimming around in your husband's head:

1 - People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.  Therefore, by keeping it secret you effectively admitted (in your husband's head) that there was something inappropriate that you didn't want him to 'ever' know about. 

2 - If he had known about the continued contact with the EX, he would have broke up with you.  He is very (very) aware that he is only with you today because you lied to him.

3 - His pain, disappointment, and anger with your behavior is just as strong now as if he had caught you back then. Better for you two to process this now than 10 years from now.  Don't pretend it's history or that time makes it less destructive (this won't go away on its own).

4 - The time and energy invested with the two OM should have been devoted to him. 

5 - Do not expect him to trust your explanation.  He can't (because you lied about the EX and hide the relationship with the Nurse). 

From now on he will only judge you on your actions vs your words.

What can you do to convince him that you are a safe life partner?

1 - offer to take a polygraph (it makes a statement)

2 -  Google and read up on "Not Just Friends".  There are articles and books on the topic that you two can both read and discuss.  Make your marriage bullet proof.  It should be required reading for couples.  It's a topic that's been heavily researched by interviewing couples that experienced infidelity.  It's an easy read and eliminates a lot of the defensiveness surrounding the topic. Good people  (not intending to have an affair) can have affairs.  Everyone thought they were in control and it was not a romantic relationship - until it quickly got out of control. And it's surprising how common certain behaviors are that expose the marriage to a high risk of infidelity.      

3 - Get yourself into individual therapy. It not only makes a statement but will help you.  Your behavior was:  selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for him.  Own it. You need to stop justifying to yourself that anything less than sex was ok.  Each of those secret relationships satisfied some need in you. Find out what and fix it.

4 - Let him know that you recognize that your behavior destroyed his trust and how you plan to rebuild his trust.  Offer him a non contested divorce if after six months he doesn't feel safe with you.

5 - Consider offering him a post nup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was extremely insightful, thank you for your feedback.

[usa1ah]

On 6/14/2020 at 11:19 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Because of the timeline, that's all.  They've been married for 9 months.  Both of these "relationships" she had occurred several years ago, right after her divorce, while she was still getting to know her now-husband.

Time line doesn’t mean anything, she flat out lied to her now husband. She lied because he said he was done with the relationship if she continued to talk with her ex after the divorce. 

[peachpie]

OMG - this happened to me in reverse! I discovered my husband had a secret texting friendship for years with a woman when I stumbled on the phone bills. 

Everyone on the board assumed it was sexual so I am shocked at their responses to you. I don’t think u r innocent or your friendships would have been open. You would have had phone calls in the presence of your husband. He would have known.

If they were such great friends, your husband should have known. They should have been friends of you both. 
 

i found out about my husband’s secret in February and it still hurts  me. It’s BETRAYAL and DECEIT! 
 

Your husband will never forget that u chose secrecy with them over honesty with him. He will never trust u again and for good reason 

[pepperbird]

I would sit your husband down, apologize for lying and let him know he;s free to ask any questions he has and you will try and answer them honestly.
I'm not sure if he'll believe you- as the saying goes , one can't unring a bell. All you can do is try to be as open and transparent as possible.

[peachpie]

I am sure you can give him details, you just aren’t going to. How could you not remember gists of conversations? 
 

I am in your husband’s shoes and it’s just betrayal and disrespect. You chose them over him. I will never forgive my husband and I will never forget. It destroyed us after 24 years of marriage. He won’t tell me about the texts either .

Edited July 28, 2020 by matildag

[merrmeade]

On 7/27/2020 at 7:56 PM, matildag said:

OMG - this happened to me in reverse! I discovered my husband had a secret texting friendship for years with a woman when I stumbled on the phone bills. 

Everyone on the board assumed it was sexual so I am shocked at their responses to you. I don’t think u r innocent or your friendships would have been open. You would have had phone calls in the presence of your husband. He would have known.

If they were such great friends, your husband should have known. They should have been friends of you both. 

i found out about my husband’s secret in February and it still hurts  me. It’s BETRAYAL and DECEIT! 

Your husband will never forget that u chose secrecy with them over honesty with him. He will never trust u again and for good reason 

I tend to agree, matildag, that it’s not really that different. The obvious difference between yours and 4paws’s threads are that you’re the lied-to spouse and she’s the lying spouse. Your husband and she both seem clueless and admit some culpability but deny whatever their spouses suspect if it can’t be proven.

4paws’s opening post is really deceptive. If you read closely, she’s only admitting to what her husband can definitively prove. These conversations happened. She lied about them at the time. She doesn’t say she doesn’t remember having them only that she doesn’t remember talking for so long each time to her ex.

Before Dec 2013, OP separated from ex.

Dec. 2013: OP and current husband hook up and he demands she stop talking to ex or he’ll leave. 

Dec. 2013 to Sept. 2014: OP continues talking to ex behind boyfriend’s back. She offers no justification except that she’s surprised each conversation was that long.

Sept. 2014: OP’s divorce with ex finalized / OP starts texting and talking on phone a lot with work colleague

2020: OP’s husband discovers texts & calls from old phone records 

There are other problems with her timeline. What does she have to say about the fact that she knowingly, consciously and IMMEDIATELY defied her husband’s wish for her to cut ties with the ex? She clearly never considered complying with his expectation which I take to mean that she felt there was nothing wrong with being friends with her ex and they would just have to talk when her husband wasn’t around. What’s up with the fact that she got her divorce, stopped talking to ex and started talking to the nurse colleague all in the same month — Sept. 2014? I have no ideas on that one.

OP admits to what her husband has identified—that she talked or texted with these two men behind his back, lied and/or hid it from him—but says neither relationship was physical. OP does not remember talking for so long to her ex but does not say she doesn’t remember the communication itself. She can’t deny the phone records. She really doesn’t offer any explanation.

What she also does not do is acknowledge what’s wrong with what she did, what she thought at the time - why she did it and why she didn’t tell her then boyfriend/now husband. She doesn’t say why it’s bad. She doesn’t put words on how he must have felt, thereby showing that she understands his feelings. She doesn’t say how that makes her feel now. She doesn’t say why lying is a problem. She only admits that what her husband has discovered did happen and that she lied.

I think people only confess to what is known or can be proven:

• In matildag’s case, she found excessive communication between her husband and the neighbor and knew the content of one text — a sexually explicit image.  She also knows of a few times that he’s been in the neighbor’s house alone. Her husband has not admitted to any more than what she’s found. He apologizes for that much and admits it was inappropriate. He denies there was a physical relationship. That’s all she knows.
• In 4paws’ case, her husband found calls and texts that he had not known about. She identified that they were with her ex and a work colleague. She had to admit that she’d lied about talking to ex, whom she’d promised not to contact. She hid the communication with the work colleague which is lying by omission, which she admits. That’s all he knows. She skirts around the nature of the relationships with these two men. The closest she comes is to an admission is to say that she’d wanted to be friends with her ex even though her then boyfriend didn’t want her to be.
• In my case, I first discovered a text message that confirmed an emotional relationship I’d suspected between my husband and SIL. I confronted her, and she asserted they were “just friends” and if that was a problem, it was mine if I disapproved. On discovering hundreds of texts, calls and emails, my husband at first admitted they were inappropriate but not that bad until I presented more and more content. He eventually confessed to an emotional AND physical relationship. 

Both these spouses have been found out in recent months. Their spouses feel betrayed by the lying but suspect more, yet they are only admitting to as much as they have to. Until they have to own up to more, they won’t. 

I would urge the lying spouses to take lie detector tests and for their partners to insist on it. 

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by merrmeade

[peachpie]

I am SO sorry, Mermeade! I would love to read your whole story. That’s awful! 
 

do you have a post on here about your situation?

 

what does your family say?

[merrmeade]

8 hours ago, matildag said:

I am SO sorry, Mermeade! I would love to read your whole story. That’s awful! 
 

do you have a post on here about your situation?

 

what does your family say?

All our posts are in our profiles.

My family was so-so in their support.My daughter was ferocious about how she felt about it - to me - and that helped. But we agreed that was not a good role for her sake and agreed not to talk about it as much.  My sons thought they understood, but they didn't at the time. One even encouraged me to forgive. I told a cousin and an old friend and lost the friend. The cousin pretty much blamed me for not being around enough. When I told my other brother, he was good about calling it what it was - trashy and cheap. He was good. One of my sons went through the shock and pain of being rejected by his wife and divorcing. She waited a year and then said she was seeing her old boss whom he suspected all along. He was so burned and disturbed he never sees her even though they have kids. A couple of times he thought he could share parental appearance for a child's birthday party, but when it got close he backed out. NOW he understands. Recently one of my nephews - the OW's and my now deceased brother's son - got married. I was really going to try to go, thought I could do it, but started falling apart as it got closer.  My son saw one of my meltdowns and knew what it was about completely. He realized what a jerk they'd been before - not intentionally but out of ignorance. 

WS's (or neighbor-friends, sisters-in-laws, etc.) and their APs don't realize the damage they do by not telling everything. The hiding of the whole truth delays the healing and destroys trust permanently. If OP wants to get close again to her spouse and regain his trust, she has to freely and completely tell him everything and answer all his questions. It doesn't mean he'll be okay with it necessarily, if there's was a full-blown affair, you still have to bare all for him to regain his trust and believe you in future..                   

[elaine567]

My guess you separated from your husband and grabbed the first nice guy you could find. You were nowhere near over your marriage and so you clung on to your ex husband for months in secret....
Your present husband took second place to your ex.
Your now husband was still not "enough"  to meet your emotional needs, so you then clung on to your nurse coworker and friend...
Taking that friendship out of the workplace and texting/calling him in your home time too.
Why was your husband so "lacking", so you needed attention from other men?
Has he changed or are you just hanging in there till you find someone more suitable...
Getting out of a marriage is hard, you gave  yourself no time to get it out of your system and like so many divorced people, who moved on too fast, you have caused chaos and mayhem in your wake.

[merrmeade]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

My guess you separated from your husband and grabbed the first nice guy you could find. You were nowhere near over your marriage and so you clung on to your ex husband for months in secret....
Your present husband took second place to your ex.
Your now husband was still not "enough"  to meet your emotional needs, so you then clung on to your nurse coworker and friend...
Taking that friendship out of the workplace and texting/calling him in your home time too.
Why was your husband so "lacking", so you needed attention from other men?
Has he changed or are you just hanging in there till you find someone more suitable...
Getting out of a marriage is hard, you gave  yourself no time to get it out of your system and like so many divorced people, who moved on too fast, you have caused chaos and mayhem in your wake.

This makes so much sense.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hmmm

How do you think your husband feel?

Have you ever asked?

Its like your day, how about  his day?

Have you ever asked?

 

[Loneheart]

On 8/1/2020 at 2:23 PM, merrmeade said:

I tend to agree, matildag, that it’s not really that different. The obvious difference between yours and 4paws’s threads are that you’re the lied-to spouse and she’s the lying spouse. Your husband and she both seem clueless and admit some culpability but deny whatever their spouses suspect if it can’t be proven.

4paws’s opening post is really deceptive. If you read closely, she’s only admitting to what her husband can definitively prove. These conversations happened. She lied about them at the time. She doesn’t say she doesn’t remember having them only that she doesn’t remember talking for so long each time to her ex.

Before Dec 2013, OP separated from ex.

Dec. 2013: OP and current husband hook up and he demands she stop talking to ex or he’ll leave. 

Dec. 2013 to Sept. 2014: OP continues talking to ex behind boyfriend’s back. She offers no justification except that she’s surprised each conversation was that long.

Sept. 2014: OP’s divorce with ex finalized / OP starts texting and talking on phone a lot with work colleague

2020: OP’s husband discovers texts & calls from old phone records 

There are other problems with her timeline. What does she have to say about the fact that she knowingly, consciously and IMMEDIATELY defied her husband’s wish for her to cut ties with the ex? She clearly never considered complying with his expectation which I take to mean that she felt there was nothing wrong with being friends with her ex and they would just have to talk when her husband wasn’t around. What’s up with the fact that she got her divorce, stopped talking to ex and started talking to the nurse colleague all in the same month — Sept. 2014? I have no ideas on that one.

OP admits to what her husband has identified—that she talked or texted with these two men behind his back, lied and/or hid it from him—but says neither relationship was physical. OP does not remember talking for so long to her ex but does not say she doesn’t remember the communication itself. She can’t deny the phone records. She really doesn’t offer any explanation.

What she also does not do is acknowledge what’s wrong with what she did, what she thought at the time - why she did it and why she didn’t tell her then boyfriend/now husband. She doesn’t say why it’s bad. She doesn’t put words on how he must have felt, thereby showing that she understands his feelings. She doesn’t say how that makes her feel now. She doesn’t say why lying is a problem. She only admits that what her husband has discovered did happen and that she lied.

I think people only confess to what is known or can be proven:

• In matildag’s case, she found excessive communication between her husband and the neighbor and knew the content of one text — a sexually explicit image.  She also knows of a few times that he’s been in the neighbor’s house alone. Her husband has not admitted to any more than what she’s found. He apologizes for that much and admits it was inappropriate. He denies there was a physical relationship. That’s all she knows.
• In 4paws’ case, her husband found calls and texts that he had not known about. She identified that they were with her ex and a work colleague. She had to admit that she’d lied about talking to ex, whom she’d promised not to contact. She hid the communication with the work colleague which is lying by omission, which she admits. That’s all he knows. She skirts around the nature of the relationships with these two men. The closest she comes is to an admission is to say that she’d wanted to be friends with her ex even though her then boyfriend didn’t want her to be.
• In my case, I first discovered a text message that confirmed an emotional relationship I’d suspected between my husband and SIL. I confronted her, and she asserted they were “just friends” and if that was a problem, it was mine if I disapproved. On discovering hundreds of texts, calls and emails, my husband at first admitted they were inappropriate but not that bad until I presented more and more content. He eventually confessed to an emotional AND physical relationship. 

Both these spouses have been found out in recent months. Their spouses feel betrayed by the lying but suspect more, yet they are only admitting to as much as they have to. Until they have to own up to more, they won’t. 

I would urge the lying spouses to take lie detector tests and for their partners to insist on it. 

 

 

[Veronica73]

On 7/28/2020 at 9:03 AM, matildag said:

How could you not remember gists of conversations? 

This is what I was wondering too. If you *really* can’t remember details of all these conversations with men you were very close to, I think you might need to get your head checked out. Both someone who can check out your brain function (a neurologist maybe?) and also a psychologist to check out your mental health. Because that is concerning. Seems like you’re either lying, or there is something very wrong with you that isn’t your fault.

[Buffer]

How is hubby doing?

Buffer

[Loneheart]

4 hours ago, Buffer said:

How is hubby doing?

Buffer

He says he is happy but when he gets angry about everything he doesn't seem happy. Im not sure if he tells me he is happy because he really is and when he is mad he just lashes out or if he is really unhappy and isn't being honest with me and maybe even himself. 

[Loneheart]

16 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

This is what I was wondering too. If you *really* can’t remember details of all these conversations with men you were very close to, I think you might need to get your head checked out. Both someone who can check out your brain function (a neurologist maybe?) and also a psychologist to check out your mental health. Because that is concerning. Seems like you’re either lying, or there is something very wrong with you that isn’t your fault.

I think i dont remember them because to me they were meaningless. I could lossibly have something wrong with me, there are alot of things i dont remember in general not just pertaining to this situation. Im not trying to give any excuses though. I wish i could somehow recover my messages from back then and I would gladly let him read every bit of it. My true intentions are for my husband to be happy and in a marriage he wants to be in. Im not trying to lie to protect myself or anything like that. Ive been working on myself and all of this made me look at myself in a different light. Im not the person I seriously thought I was and thats a hard thing to admit. Im trying to improve myself for my husband and i because I want to. He deserves the world and the best wife possible and i want to give that to him at all costs. He really means everything to me and i dont want to live my life without him, however if he eventually does decide to leave me I will have to understand that he has every right to and that i have been blessed that he even tried for as long as he did to make things work. I hooe it never comes to that but for his health mentally and physically I hope he does what is best for him no matter how much it will kill me.

[Loneheart]

On 8/1/2020 at 2:23 PM, merrmeade said:

I tend to agree, matildag, that it’s not really that different. The obvious difference between yours and 4paws’s threads are that you’re the lied-to spouse and she’s the lying spouse. Your husband and she both seem clueless and admit some culpability but deny whatever their spouses suspect if it can’t be proven.

4paws’s opening post is really deceptive. If you read closely, she’s only admitting to what her husband can definitively prove. These conversations happened. She lied about them at the time. She doesn’t say she doesn’t remember having them only that she doesn’t remember talking for so long each time to her ex.

Before Dec 2013, OP separated from ex.

Dec. 2013: OP and current husband hook up and he demands she stop talking to ex or he’ll leave. 

Dec. 2013 to Sept. 2014: OP continues talking to ex behind boyfriend’s back. She offers no justification except that she’s surprised each conversation was that long.

Sept. 2014: OP’s divorce with ex finalized / OP starts texting and talking on phone a lot with work colleague

2020: OP’s husband discovers texts & calls from old phone records 

There are other problems with her timeline. What does she have to say about the fact that she knowingly, consciously and IMMEDIATELY defied her husband’s wish for her to cut ties with the ex? She clearly never considered complying with his expectation which I take to mean that she felt there was nothing wrong with being friends with her ex and they would just have to talk when her husband wasn’t around. What’s up with the fact that she got her divorce, stopped talking to ex and started talking to the nurse colleague all in the same month — Sept. 2014? I have no ideas on that one.

OP admits to what her husband has identified—that she talked or texted with these two men behind his back, lied and/or hid it from him—but says neither relationship was physical. OP does not remember talking for so long to her ex but does not say she doesn’t remember the communication itself. She can’t deny the phone records. She really doesn’t offer any explanation.

What she also does not do is acknowledge what’s wrong with what she did, what she thought at the time - why she did it and why she didn’t tell her then boyfriend/now husband. She doesn’t say why it’s bad. She doesn’t put words on how he must have felt, thereby showing that she understands his feelings. She doesn’t say how that makes her feel now. She doesn’t say why lying is a problem. She only admits that what her husband has discovered did happen and that she lied.

I think people only confess to what is known or can be proven:

• In matildag’s case, she found excessive communication between her husband and the neighbor and knew the content of one text — a sexually explicit image.  She also knows of a few times that he’s been in the neighbor’s house alone. Her husband has not admitted to any more than what she’s found. He apologizes for that much and admits it was inappropriate. He denies there was a physical relationship. That’s all she knows.
• In 4paws’ case, her husband found calls and texts that he had not known about. She identified that they were with her ex and a work colleague. She had to admit that she’d lied about talking to ex, whom she’d promised not to contact. She hid the communication with the work colleague which is lying by omission, which she admits. That’s all he knows. She skirts around the nature of the relationships with these two men. The closest she comes is to an admission is to say that she’d wanted to be friends with her ex even though her then boyfriend didn’t want her to be.
• In my case, I first discovered a text message that confirmed an emotional relationship I’d suspected between my husband and SIL. I confronted her, and she asserted they were “just friends” and if that was a problem, it was mine if I disapproved. On discovering hundreds of texts, calls and emails, my husband at first admitted they were inappropriate but not that bad until I presented more and more content. He eventually confessed to an emotional AND physical relationship. 

Both these spouses have been found out in recent months. Their spouses feel betrayed by the lying but suspect more, yet they are only admitting to as much as they have to. Until they have to own up to more, they won’t. 

I would urge the lying spouses to take lie detector tests and for their partners to insist on it. 

 

I think the reason I defied my now husband when he told me he didn't want me talking to my ex was me being selfish and inconsiderate. I only thought about myself and not my now husband. I think i was afraid to stop talking to my ex because he was such a big part of my life and I moved on from him to my now husband so quickly. I never felt like i didn't want to be with my now husband or that I wanted to be back with my ex. I fell for my now husband hard and fast and dont ever regret moving into our relationship together. I regret that I led him into a relationship that wasnt honest. I kept that from him because i justified that I trusted myself to not ever take things to a physical level and that no matter what I loved my now husband so much. I truly never realized that I cheated on my now husband even though it wasn't physical until he showed me an article saying that even if its not physical because the relationship was hidden from my noe husband I cheated and that killed me. It opened my eyes to the fact that i was this person i never thought I was. How could I do something like that to him? I had cheated on the love of my life and never realized that thats what I did. I realize it now and I take full responsibility for it. Ive had to look at myself in a different way and I have seen that i dont like the person that i was and possibly still am. I was always such a hypocrite about everything my now husband did even though none of it compared to what I did to him. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate that I could ever cause my husband so much pain and suffering. I lied to him to protect myself when he should have always came first. I have always felt in love with my husband even back then and people say how can you say you love someone and do these things? I dont know the answer other than maybe I'm a complete waste of skin horrible person. Who in actuality lived a very different life than she thought she did. I justified everything by thinking it wasnt a big deal, I trust myself, ill never cross a line. But none of that mattered and it was all unrealistic. Because all of it did matter and I shouldve never put myself in a position to have these relationships. I was completely satisfied and happy and in love with my now husband during all of this. I honestly don't understand why I did what I did. I regret it all. Im saddened that I could do that to him. I hate that I have destroyed all the trust my husband had for me. I always considered myself an honest person and then got blindsided by the fact that I'm not that at all. I wasnt then and I hadnt been before now. I put myself in my husband's shoes and I dont think i would be able to handle all of this, i would be so distrought and  angry i would snap. I wouldn't believe me either or trust me at all. I can't prove things other than I went and took a polygraph test and he got to pick the questions and i passed with flying colors. That eased his mind for maybe a day or so. I think he still thinks i had sex with them or even other men that he doesnt know about. I never have nor will I ever. I dont know how to help him heal and move forward when i can't remember anything and don't have proof. I'd give anything to be able to answer all of his questions regardless of how it makes me look. I honestly couldn't look worse than I do now. Like i said I want him to be happy and I dont know if he can ever have that with me again. I shouldve never even had to put him or us in this position. Ive ruined us, our relationship, our love and im so lost i dont know what to do.

[pepperbird2]

I think part of your probelm is that you know what happened and how far it all went, but there's no way for your husband to know that too. All he has to go on is past experience, and you've shown him that he can't trust you.
I know that sounds awful, but the good news is that it is possible to recover. Right now, based on the knowledge and data he has, you can't be trusted. Change that data. Show him that you can be trusted. Ask him what he needs from you ( beyond a polygraph test- those things don't prove anything) and give him time. You've had all the time in the world to sort through this, he has not. I know each day may feel like torture, but it can get better.
Also, I would try and arrange for some counselling for yourself, on your own at first and then with him. Find out why you get involved in relationships ( even if they're just friendships) that you felt a need to keep from him.
You don't sound like a horrible person to me, just someone who made some bad choices. If you and your husband can work through this, there's every chance you'll develop an even deeper and stronger relationship.

[Loneheart]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I think part of your probelm is that you know what happened and how far it all went, but there's no way for your husband to know that too. All he has to go on is past experience, and you've shown him that he can't trust you.
I know that sounds awful, but the good news is that it is possible to recover. Right now, based on the knowledge and data he has, you can't be trusted. Change that data. Show him that you can be trusted. Ask him what he needs from you ( beyond a polygraph test- those things don't prove anything) and give him time. You've had all the time in the world to sort through this, he has not. I know each day may feel like torture, but it can get better.
Also, I would try and arrange for some counselling for yourself, on your own at first and then with him. Find out why you get involved in relationships ( even if they're just friendships) that you felt a need to keep from him.
You don't sound like a horrible person to me, just someone who made some bad choices. If you and your husband can work through this, there's every chance you'll develop an even deeper and stronger relationship.

Thank you for your input. Ive been trying to find a different therapist for myself. I hope to find one soon, this covid 19 isn't make it easy.

[Robert2016]

I'm sorry he's struggling.

Congrats on having the courage to take a polygraph. It was humiliating to realize that 'this' is where you're at.

Trust is a wonderful thing but once it's gone it's very very hard to restore.

Did you read Not Just Friends by Glass?   I suggest you both read over a bottle of wine and have a non confrontation but honest discussion. 

Is he  in IC?   He needs to be. 

Does he have access to your IC's notes etc?  Can he attend your sessions if he wants?

Offer to take another polygraph at any time on any topic.

Consider a generous post nup that's good for the next twelve months.  He can decide to all in - or out.

 

 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Robert2016
duplication

[merrmeade]

On 8/13/2020 at 8:51 PM, 4paws said:

I think the reason I defied my now husband when he told me he didn't want me talking to my ex was me being selfish and inconsiderate. I only thought about myself and not my now husband. I think i was afraid to stop talking to my ex because he was such a big part of my life and I moved on from him to my now husband so quickly. I never felt like i didn't want to be with my now husband or that I wanted to be back with my ex. I fell for my now husband hard and fast and dont ever regret moving into our relationship together. I regret that I led him into a relationship that wasnt honest. I kept that from him because i justified that I trusted myself to not ever take things to a physical level and that no matter what I loved my now husband so much. I truly never realized that I cheated on my now husband even though it wasn't physical until he showed me an article saying that even if its not physical because the relationship was hidden from my noe husband I cheated and that killed me. It opened my eyes to the fact that i was this person i never thought I was. How could I do something like that to him? I had cheated on the love of my life and never realized that thats what I did. I realize it now and I take full responsibility for it. Ive had to look at myself in a different way and I have seen that i dont like the person that i was and possibly still am. I was always such a hypocrite about everything my now husband did even though none of it compared to what I did to him. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate that I could ever cause my husband so much pain and suffering. I lied to him to protect myself when he should have always came first. I have always felt in love with my husband even back then and people say how can you say you love someone and do these things? I dont know the answer other than maybe I'm a complete waste of skin horrible person. Who in actuality lived a very different life than she thought she did. I justified everything by thinking it wasnt a big deal, I trust myself, ill never cross a line. But none of that mattered and it was all unrealistic. Because all of it did matter and I shouldve never put myself in a position to have these relationships. I was completely satisfied and happy and in love with my now husband during all of this. I honestly don't understand why I did what I did. I regret it all. Im saddened that I could do that to him. I hate that I have destroyed all the trust my husband had for me. I always considered myself an honest person and then got blindsided by the fact that I'm not that at all. I wasnt then and I hadnt been before now. I put myself in my husband's shoes and I dont think i would be able to handle all of this, i would be so distrought and  angry i would snap. I wouldn't believe me either or trust me at all. I can't prove things other than I went and took a polygraph test and he got to pick the questions and i passed with flying colors. That eased his mind for maybe a day or so. I think he still thinks i had sex with them or even other men that he doesnt know about. I never have nor will I ever. I dont know how to help him heal and move forward when i can't remember anything and don't have proof. I'd give anything to be able to answer all of his questions regardless of how it makes me look. I honestly couldn't look worse than I do now. Like i said I want him to be happy and I dont know if he can ever have that with me again. I shouldve never even had to put him or us in this position. Ive ruined us, our relationship, our love and im so lost i dont know what to do.

Incongruities:

-        defied my now husband when he told me he didn't want me talking to my ex was me being selfish and inconsiderate.:  How? That just sounds like so many words. How was it “being selfish and inconsiderate.” What was it you wanted so much that you didn’t think about your husband's feelings.

-        i was afraid to stop talking to my ex because he was such a big part of my life and I moved on from him to my now husband so quickly. I never felt like i didn't want to be with my now husband or that I wanted to be back with my ex. You really need to unpack this one. What did your ex do for you that you needed to continue getting from him? Did he give you your opinions, how to think about everything? Were your used to being told what’s right and wrong by someone else?

-        i justified that I trusted myself to not ever take things to a physical level and that no matter what I loved my now husband so much. i justified that I trusted myself: Do you realize the arrogance of thinking like that? You are totally dismissing your husband’s request. You’re saying, what, you’ll humor him? Play along with his request even though you know better?

-        I had cheated on the love of my life and never realized that thats what I did: Not realizing” can never be your excuse for anything again.

-        I always considered myself an honest person and then got blindsided by the fact that I'm not that at all: This is the one that’s hard to swallow. Anyway, take this to the therapist and unpack it.

-        I lied to him to protect myself: This implies you knew and, of course, you did. I do believe deep denial like this is possible but in no universe is it innocent.

[merrmeade]

On 8/13/2020 at 8:51 PM, 4paws said:

I think the reason I defied my now husband when he told me he didn't want me talking to my ex was me being selfish and inconsiderate. I only thought about myself and not my now husband. I think i was afraid to stop talking to my ex because he was such a big part of my life and I moved on from him to my now husband so quickly. I never felt like i didn't want to be with my now husband or that I wanted to be back with my ex.

I fell for my now husband hard and fast and dont ever regret moving into our relationship together. I regret that I led him into a relationship that wasnt honest. I kept that from him because i justified that I trusted myself to not ever take things to a physical level and that no matter what I loved my now husband so much. I truly never realized that I cheated on my now husband even though it wasn't physical until he showed me an article saying that even if its not physical because the relationship was hidden from my noe husband I cheated and that killed me.

It opened my eyes to the fact that i was this person i never thought I was. How could I do something like that to him? I had cheated on the love of my life and never realized that thats what I did. I realize it now and I take full responsibility for it. Ive had to look at myself in a different way and I have seen that i dont like the person that i was and possibly still am. I was always such a hypocrite about everything my now husband did even though none of it compared to what I did to him. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate that I could ever cause my husband so much pain and suffering. I lied to him to protect myself when he should have always came first.

I have always felt in love with my husband even back then and people say how can you say you love someone and do these things? I dont know the answer other than maybe I'm a complete waste of skin horrible person. Who in actuality lived a very different life than she thought she did. I justified everything by thinking it wasnt a big deal, I trust myself, ill never cross a line. But none of that mattered and it was all unrealistic. Because all of it did matter and I shouldve never put myself in a position to have these relationships. I was completely satisfied and happy and in love with my now husband during all of this. I honestly don't understand why I did what I did.

 I regret it all. Im saddened that I could do that to him. I hate that I have destroyed all the trust my husband had for me. I always considered myself an honest person and then got blindsided by the fact that I'm not that at all. I wasnt then and I hadnt been before now. I put myself in my husband's shoes and I dont think i would be able to handle all of this, i would be so distrought and  angry i would snap. I wouldn't believe me either or trust me at all.

I can't prove things other than I went and took a polygraph test and he got to pick the questions and i passed with flying colors. That eased his mind for maybe a day or so. I think he still thinks i had sex with them or even other men that he doesnt know about. I never have nor will I ever. I dont know how to help him heal and move forward when i can't remember anything and don't have proof. I'd give anything to be able to answer all of his questions regardless of how it makes me look.

I honestly couldn't look worse than I do now. Like i said I want him to be happy and I dont know if he can ever have that with me again. I shouldve never even had to put him or us in this position. Ive ruined us, our relationship, our love and im so lost i dont know what to do.

Instead of freaking out, you need to figure out.

Seems to me you’re just beginning to be self-aware. That you claim to be so clueless about what you did and why is what makes it hard to believe you. You don’t stop and think about what’s important and then you rationalize what you want to do.

Even your writing is hard to follow. No paragraphs. You don’t identify and group your ideas, but instead push all the ideas and words together in one long paragraph, forcing your readers to work harder to follow your line of thought and identify the ideas that make your point. They were actually there, so I took the liberty of separating the ideas in your post into paragraphs. It could help a lot for you to think about the difference in how you think even now.

You need to do the same thing with your life. If you can think with logical intent about your life, your actions, your motives, it would be a good start toward making sense of your thoughtless betrayal of your husband’s trust. The therapist is overdue and will help put everything together so that at least you can speak coherently and with mature understanding about everything.

There's still so much here that doesn't jibe. Even if it did all make sense, you still need to understand that it's just not instantaneous for your husband, who's been lied to for so long, to heal. Your odd objectivity about your actions might even make it worse. The therapist is important to help you identify the parts you're not admitting. 

You have to say it all, and he needs to hear you say it.