he sometimes disappears

[bichette]

I met a guy six months ago and we've been dating for around three-four months. In the beginning, we used to talk for hours everyday and I was swimming in joy because I'm the kind of person who loves talking and connecting with others. However, two months ago, he suddenly disappeared for two weeks and when he came back, I needed to understand what happened and we talked about it. I already knew he hates phones but he then explained to me that after using it for so long, it was increasing his anxiety levels and he felt like he was going crazy and he just needed some time away. I listened and I understood and I let it go but recently, it has become more and more frequent. We talk only once or twice a week when I"m lucky and it really upsets me because I miss him and need him sometimes. Plus, I never know when I'll get the chance to talk to him again and it stresses me somehow. I absolutely trust him, I know he's not cheating on me also, I know he's been going through some things these days, in his personal life, and I totally understand that he needs time so I don't want to pressure him even more. My issue is that when he disappears like that, if I need him, I have no way to contact him and it hurts me because it makes me feel like I can't count on him. I don't know how to talk to him about this because I don't want him to feel forced to talk to me, it would just make things weird between us. How can I tell him how I feel without sounding selfish and without causing a fight?

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is not cut out for long-distance, OP. 

[ShyViolet]

Maybe he's getting tired of this long distance thing.  Endless phone calls with no physical intimacy is not that satisfying and not for everyone.  Maybe he just doesn't want to do it anymore.  I don't think you telling him that you need him to talk to you every day is going to work.  He will just be turned off by your neediness and feel more pressured to do something he's not into.  Why don't you find someone else who lives closer to you, and let him do the same.

[Redhead14]

On 6/15/2020 at 2:06 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

This guy is not cut out for long-distance, OP. 

It sounds to me like SHE isn't cut out for it either.  Someone who needs a lot of attention, etc. isn't going to fare well with long distance no matter what.  On top of that, they've only been dating 3/4 months but 2 months ago he "disappeared" for two weeks and their communication continues to be spread out/sparse.  To me that says he's not that invested in the relationship at least not as much as she is and her expectations are too high for 'where' they are in this.  This guy isn't acting like he's in a relationship, long distance or otherwise.

[kendahke]

On 6/14/2020 at 10:25 PM, bichette said:

he suddenly disappeared for two weeks and when he came back, I needed to understand what happened

On 6/14/2020 at 10:25 PM, bichette said:

We talk only once or twice a week when I"m lucky and it really upsets me because I miss him and need him sometimes.

On 6/14/2020 at 10:25 PM, bichette said:

My issue is that when he disappears like that, if I need him, I have no way to contact him

I think you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend, especially a LDR type of boyfriend who has anxiety.

Your neediness is overwhelming a guy who already is dealing with anxiety--he can't carry yours, too.  That's your heavy lift.

You need to learn the tools of self soothing--and the sooner you learn them, the more success you will have in future relationships. Emotionally healthy men aren't going to want to be suffocated by your needs.

 

 

[Angelle]

I deal with anxiety, and can understand both sides. I ended up speaking to a guy that I cut contact with a few weeks ago - part of the reason was that we'd been in regular contact, and then he disappeared for a week. I asked where he'd been, and he got a bit defensive. We weren't in a relationship, but had been testing the waters. I was stressed by other things, and when he disappeared again, I was hurt and annoyed, so we argued, and cut things off. 

I was going to say that your guy should have said something sooner - "my" guy, such as it is, said something to me about not turning my hourglass over, because he couldn't give me an attentive reply until tomorrow. That made me laugh, but I tend to forget when I'm stressed, that he does take his time, unless he's in a really good mood, and wants to talk. I don't need to be talking all the time, and appreciate it when he puts some thought into certain responses (when he's thoughtful), but check-ins are nice, and when he just disappeared, I was (rightly) confused. I didn't know if he was sick, or bored, or what? He has more on his plate than I do, but was still in quarantine at the time, so he didn't have that much going on. 

One of my best friends just lost a man that she spoke to for hours, on the phone, for a couple of months, I think. They lived over state lines from each other, and were supposed to meet in person, but he was ill, and he died in the hospital. They're around the age of forty, and she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. I know that talking for hours, and then going to no contact for two weeks, must have been really hard. I can understand his freaking out, too - you need some balance eventually. 

[d0nnivain]

Tell him what you told us, that you prefer more & more consistent contact.  If he can't or won't give it to you, accept the fact that you are incompatible. 

3-4 months into an LDR where presumably you have never met, talking 2-3 times per week would be overwhelming & too much contact for me.  I could not date somebody who wanted more then that. Plus I don't do, we're dating LDR but never met,  

[Fox Sake]

On 6/15/2020 at 3:25 AM, bichette said:

I met a guy six months ago and we've been dating for around three-four months. In the beginning, we used to talk for hours everyday and I was swimming in joy because I'm the kind of person who loves talking and connecting with others. However, two months ago, he suddenly disappeared for two weeks and when he came back, I needed to understand what happened and we talked about it. I already knew he hates phones but he then explained to me that after using it for so long, it was increasing his anxiety levels and he felt like he was going crazy and he just needed some time away. I listened and I understood and I let it go but recently, it has become more and more frequent. We talk only once or twice a week when I"m lucky and it really upsets me because I miss him and need him sometimes. Plus, I never know when I'll get the chance to talk to him again and it stresses me somehow. I absolutely trust him, I know he's not cheating on me also, I know he's been going through some things these days, in his personal life, and I totally understand that he needs time so I don't want to pressure him even more. My issue is that when he disappears like that, if I need him, I have no way to contact him and it hurts me because it makes me feel like I can't count on him. I don't know how to talk to him about this because I don't want him to feel forced to talk to me, it would just make things weird between us. How can I tell him how I feel without sounding selfish and without causing a fight?

The above post is good advice from @d0nnivain
 

I feel you @bichette
I’ll give you the same advice that I gave myself a few hours ago before I came across this post. Just be honest.
That’s all you can do to try and help someone understand your feelings better, by being honest with them about how you feel. It’s not selfish , it’s actually self destructive to not say anything. 
 

Fighting my own battles in my head with anxiety for more communication but we already know each other and have met before etc etc. Reading your post makes me feel stupid for thinking I had a right to feel upset. Just like you I get filled with joy in the height of communication, but she’s a lot busier and has a lot going on and texts me every day. I feel like I’m being needy but at the same time it’s nice to feel like you’re really needed 
 

 

[poppyfields]

On 6/30/2020 at 7:40 PM, kendahke said:

I think you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend, especially a LDR type of boyfriend who has anxiety.

Your neediness is overwhelming a guy who already is dealing with anxiety--he can't carry yours, too.  That's your heavy lift.

You need to learn the tools of self soothing--and the sooner you learn them, the more success you will have in future relationships. Emotionally healthy men aren't going to want to be suffocated by your needs.

This^.  It's really the most sound advice, given how often you used the word "need" in the post kendahke quoted. 

It's too much, overwhelming, and like kendahke said, learn to self-soothe, it will serve you well moving forward. 

Good luck. 

[Velvet teddy]

On 6/15/2020 at 3:25 AM, bichette said:

I met a guy six months ago and we've been dating for around three-four months. In the beginning, we used to talk for hours everyday and I was swimming in joy because I'm the kind of person who loves talking and connecting with others. However, two months ago, he suddenly disappeared for two weeks and when he came back, I needed to understand what happened and we talked about it. I already knew he hates phones but he then explained to me that after using it for so long, it was increasing his anxiety levels and he felt like he was going crazy and he just needed some time away. I listened and I understood and I let it go but recently, it has become more and more frequent. We talk only once or twice a week when I"m lucky and it really upsets me because I miss him and need him sometimes. Plus, I never know when I'll get the chance to talk to him again and it stresses me somehow. I absolutely trust him, I know he's not cheating on me also, I know he's been going through some things these days, in his personal life, and I totally understand that he needs time so I don't want to pressure him even more. My issue is that when he disappears like that, if I need him, I have no way to contact him and it hurts me because it makes me feel like I can't count on him. I don't know how to talk to him about this because I don't want him to feel forced to talk to me, it would just make things weird between us. How can I tell him how I feel without sounding selfish and without causing a fight?

I think you shouldn't  count on others to make you feel better. More often than not you will be disappointed. As others as have said self soothing is the way to go. 

Him feeling anxiety for being on the phone too much, at this stage, is not a good sign. And i wouldnt  expect him to suddenly change for you either. 

Advice for you is either put up with it or go your separate ways.

[smackie9]

After 6 months.....this is not worth the effort. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy makes you sad, neglected and hurt. You like being treated that way? Then send him on his way.