do I or dont I

[ZA Dater]

I have a bit of an issue and I cannot seem to make a decision on this.

A long time ago I met someone on OLD, she is 38 so not too much older, has a kid ok that's a deal killer in some respects, she has gainfully employed, which is nice, doesn't live too far. BUT there isn't much real conversation really, she is VERY open minded which given my lack of experience isn't that appealing to be honest. We have sort of chatted on and off but there isn't that connection I am looking for. Anyway she wants to meet up for a run in the forest and perhaps TMI she has told me she wont be wearing too much and she knows a quiet place.

Part of me finds this off putting because if she tells me this as a guy she hasn't even met then how many other guys has she told this to?

I just don't see any sort of "appeal" to her, we don't have a lot in common, she doesn't really do it for me looks wise but then again I look and what other options do I have?

Which brings me to problem number 2, another 38yo who also has a kid, this one is unemployed, again looks wise doesn't really do it for me, we have sort of chatted but she tries to smother me with "I know you really like me" "I know you think about me all the time", both of which aren't true and like the other on she is VERY open minded, too much so because again how many guys is she seeing at once.

My moral compass says neither of these people are a good idea for me, because ultimately I want the 27-28yo I can take to dinners, work out with, go to wine farms with, just do life with and neither of these two really ticks any of those boxes.

Am I stupid to want some sort of connection?

[MeadowFlower]

No to the first woman. Absolutely no. (Unless you just want to have a fling) 

No to the second. 

And in the words of Barney Fife, "..the search goes on."

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Am I stupid to want some sort of connection?

Not at all. 

[Realitysux]

I'm confused why you are chatting with these women if they aren't what you are looking for. 

[ZA Dater]

50 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

No to the first woman. Absolutely no. (Unless you just want to have a fling) 

No to the second. 

And in the words of Barney Fife, "..the search goes on."

 

Not at all. 

I am leaning toward that because neither is really what I want. For a while I did consider it but not sure morally either idea is what I fill feel good about. For better or mostly it would seem worse I actually want to try get to know someone before taking off my clothes. I'd like to like them first too.

At the moment I still trying to figure out what would actually work for me but neither of these people seem to be viable options.

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm confused why you are chatting with these women if they aren't what you are looking for. 

Good question, because I generally chat to matches. But yes I would agree I think I need to let these two go, there are I am sure lots of guys to who they might appeal.

 

[Realitysux]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Good question, because I generally chat to matches. But yes I would agree I think I need to let these two go, there are I am sure lots of guys to who they might appeal.

 

I think so too. 

[Hopeful30]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have a bit of an issue and I cannot seem to make a decision on this.

A long time ago I met someone on OLD, she is 38 so not too much older, has a kid ok that's a deal killer in some respects, she has gainfully employed, which is nice, doesn't live too far. BUT there isn't much real conversation really, she is VERY open minded which given my lack of experience isn't that appealing to be honest. We have sort of chatted on and off but there isn't that connection I am looking for. Anyway she wants to meet up for a run in the forest and perhaps TMI she has told me she wont be wearing too much and she knows a quiet place.

Part of me finds this off putting because if she tells me this as a guy she hasn't even met then how many other guys has she told this to?

I just don't see any sort of "appeal" to her, we don't have a lot in common, she doesn't really do it for me looks wise but then again I look and what other options do I have?

Which brings me to problem number 2, another 38yo who also has a kid, this one is unemployed, again looks wise doesn't really do it for me, we have sort of chatted but she tries to smother me with "I know you really like me" "I know you think about me all the time", both of which aren't true and like the other on she is VERY open minded, too much so because again how many guys is she seeing at once.

My moral compass says neither of these people are a good idea for me, because ultimately I want the 27-28yo I can take to dinners, work out with, go to wine farms with, just do life with and neither of these two really ticks any of those boxes.

Am I stupid to want some sort of connection?

I am in the same boat. Sometimes even if you don't like your options, the desire to be partnered is greater than your dislike of the options.

I say see both. Go just to have an activity to do. Even if you're not very into them, maybe they have friends, or colleagues that you might like. 

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

because ultimately I want the 27-28yo I can take to dinners, work out with, go to wine farms with, just do life with and neither of these two really ticks any of those boxes.

It is admirable that you stick to your guns and hold out for what you are looking for. you have to keep believing too that you can find the above and it should be achievable.

the two options you describe here- sounds like an opportunity for you to have sex- I imagine in your shoes I would be exploring these two dates with that in mind!

but I agree in terms of finding a long term partner, you should hold out for the classy younger woman. ( a man should strive for what he wants)

In terms of finding a suitable woman, are you sexually motivated at all or would good companionship be enough for you?

 

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

It is admirable that you stick to your guns and hold out for what you are looking for

But that isn't true, else he would not be chatting to these women who he feels are "beneath" him due to their "open mindedness" and their single motherhood status.

 

Edited June 15, 2020 by elaine567

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

It is admirable that you stick to your guns and hold out for what you are looking for. you have to keep believing too that you can find the above and it should be achievable.

the two options you describe here- sounds like an opportunity for you to have sex- I imagine in your shoes I would be exploring these two dates with that in mind!

but I agree in terms of finding a long term partner, you should hold out for the classy younger woman. ( a man should strive for what he wants)

In terms of finding a suitable woman, are you sexually motivated at all or would good companionship be enough for you?

 

I'll be very, very honest here. Sure, both are an opportunity for sexual experience but do I really want that with someone I don't really feel any connection to or even much attraction to? The level of awkwardness, both seem to think I am some sort of bedroom "guru", no idea why they think this because the conversation has never headed that way, both are very overt in what they want.

I would prefer to get this experience with someone I really feel a connection and attraction toward than people, who, well I don't really want to date and sure they would be convenient but I dunno if this actually makes a lot of sense but I don't think I would feel that great about myself afterward because both are looking apparently so they say for long term, I am just not the long term for them.

I'd love to find someone who wants me that I actually want, lots of guys I know can go out and have the one night fling but in part I look at who those people are and sure if I had the choice of the statuesque athletic lady I MIGHT be inclined to try it but again I have done nothing so I'd look like an idiot. What probably gets over conveyed in my posts is the premium I put on companionship over sex, which isn't really the case, I only really put the premium because for me it would seem EASIER for me to find relatively speaking, still extremely hard mind you!

I have a moral dilemma here but the responses have been helpful.

None of this probably makes any rational sense.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But that isn't true, else he would not be chatting to these women who he feels are "beneath" him due to their "open mindedness".

 

Where did I say that or imply it? If anything I am even worse fit for them than they are for me. I have come across a fair few "open minded" people through the years.

[simpycurious]

ZA's dating or should I say his search seems a whole lot like "drafting a player."  He seems to really mull over ALL of their "stats" or information.  I suppose that can be both good and bad at times.  I am so hoping he finds a worthy match sooner rather than later. 

[Foxhall]

Fair enough yes, you need to like the woman or feel emotional connection before you are interested sexually in them,

no that makes sense, I know most younger guys think otherwise but us slightly older chaps shall I say can appreciate that.

anyway its always going to be difficult, the woman you want have their pick of guys and as you have alluded yourself you are at a disadvantage against the more extroverted ones.

yet your a decent guy at heart and should find a suitable match at some point. you only need hit the target once as other posters have pointed out previously.

[ZA Dater]

18 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Fair enough yes, you need to like the woman or feel emotional connection before you are interested sexually in them,

no that makes sense, I know most younger guys think otherwise but us slightly older chaps shall I say can appreciate that.

anyway its always going to be difficult, the woman you want have their pick of guys and as you have alluded yourself you are at a disadvantage against the more extroverted ones.

yet your a decent guy at heart and should find a suitable match at some point. you only need hit the target once as other posters have pointed out previously.

If I were looking purely for experience I don't see a lot of difference between meeting either of these ladies and simply paying. Look if either of them was hugely attractive and I could see myself taking them to dinner it would be another matter but that's never going to happen.

Of course I also live with fact I might be simply wasting my time looking for what I want.

 

[Hopeful30]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

If I were looking purely for experience I don't see a lot of difference between meeting either of these ladies and simply paying. Look if either of them was hugely attractive and I could see myself taking them to dinner it would be another matter but that's never going to happen.

Of course I also live with fact I might be simply wasting my time looking for what I want.

 

Let's consider this: how long have you been looking for your ideal 27-28yo woman? And in the last several years, how close have you come to meeting someone who matches your desires?

Next: are you willing to remain single for many more years to come if you don't meet this woman of your desires? If not, what are you willing to compromise to be partnered? 

[ZA Dater]

34 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Let's consider this: how long have you been looking for your ideal 27-28yo woman? And in the last several years, how close have you come to meeting someone who matches your desires?

Next: are you willing to remain single for many more years to come if you don't meet this woman of your desires? If not, what are you willing to compromise to be partnered? 

I am not prepared to date single mothers. That is one compromise I am not willing to make. How close, well not very at all, people who find me attractive hold no interest to me at all.

 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

she is 38 so not too much older, has a kid ok

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

another 38yo who also has a kid,

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am not prepared to date single mothers.

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I want the 27-28yo I can take to dinners

So what really is this thread about?

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am leaning toward that because neither is really what I want. For a while I did consider it but not sure morally either idea is what I fill feel good about. For better or mostly it would seem worse I actually want to try get to know someone before taking off my clothes. I'd like to like them first too.

At the moment I still trying to figure out what would actually work for me but neither of these people seem to be viable options.

I'm completely confused.  You worry about the moral implications, getting to know them and how many other men these women may be seeing but from time to time you float the idea of pursuing a transnational relationship, which from the context seems to imply prostitute.   

Certainly don't have sex with them or lead them on if you don't like them.

[Hopeful30]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I am not prepared to date single mothers. That is one compromise I am not willing to make. How close, well not very at all, people who find me attractive hold no interest to me at all.

 

So perhaps you can update your requirements to include "must be childless". If this is genuinely a dealbreaker for you, then seeing 2 mothers, regardless of how much you like then, is a dead end.

I am curious why you are having difficulty letting go of these two women despite the fact that you're not into them. Do you feel this is the best you can do? Are you considering settling?

[ZA Dater]

59 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So what really is this thread about?

Simple decision. Which I as of 30 min ago have made. 

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have a bit of an issue and I cannot seem to make a decision on this.

A long time ago I met someone on OLD, she is 38 so not too much older, has a kid ok that's a deal killer in some respects, she has gainfully employed, which is nice, doesn't live too far. BUT there isn't much real conversation really, she is VERY open minded which given my lack of experience isn't that appealing to be honest. We have sort of chatted on and off but there isn't that connection I am looking for. Anyway she wants to meet up for a run in the forest and perhaps TMI she has told me she wont be wearing too much and she knows a quiet place.

Part of me finds this off putting because if she tells me this as a guy she hasn't even met then how many other guys has she told this to?

I just don't see any sort of "appeal" to her, we don't have a lot in common, she doesn't really do it for me looks wise but then again I look and what other options do I have?

Which brings me to problem number 2, another 38yo who also has a kid, this one is unemployed, again looks wise doesn't really do it for me, we have sort of chatted but she tries to smother me with "I know you really like me" "I know you think about me all the time", both of which aren't true and like the other on she is VERY open minded, too much so because again how many guys is she seeing at once.

My moral compass says neither of these people are a good idea for me, because ultimately I want the 27-28yo I can take to dinners, work out with, go to wine farms with, just do life with and neither of these two really ticks any of those boxes.

Am I stupid to want some sort of connection?

Connection is hard if not impossible to find for some of us. If you don’t like these people and they’re not ticking  your boxes dunno why you’d bother though 

[amaysngrace]

You aren’t stupid for wanting connection.  You want what you want...we all have preferences.  It doesn't make you stupid though. 

Yeah them being too easy would be a turn-off to me too.

[Mystery4u]

Let's be honest, from your multiple threads, it's clear you have very little real experience when it comes to women. I'm sure you could probably count on one hand how many different women you have had sex with, if there has actually been ANY.

You already know neither of these two are potential wifey materials, they both have shown they just want a bit of fun, and you actually have to ask whether you should meet them? Are you actually gay? lol

Live life a little instead of inside your own little box. Go on that run in the forest. Let her take you to the quiet place. Have hot sex together, have some FUN!

You moan and moan and moan about not having experience then refuse to get the experience. Nobody is asking you to marry these women. Just enjoy the moment!

Just because you have sex with a woman does not mean you have to stay with her. You can still meet your ideal.

You are so rigid and come across soooo boring.

Edited June 15, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Weezy1973]

No idea if you should or shouldn’t but suspect you won’t, which is fine. Although I think the real reason you won’t is because you’re afraid you won’t be able to live up to their expectations or that you’ll be rejected ultimately because you won’t be able to perform.

For many people out there, sex is just sex. For others it’s more about a personal, intimate connection with someone you love. And some people are in between. No right or wrong, just important to know your own values when it comes to sex.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Connection is hard if not impossible to find for some of us. If you don’t like these people and they’re not ticking  your boxes dunno why you’d bother though 

Thing is I do tend to give a lot of the benefit of the doubt, I have tried to find connection with them, see ways I can look at things differently. Perhaps the best way I can describe it is I feel better looking for what I am looking for and not finding it than I do not looking for it at all.