What does this mean? Why?

[girlinNYC]

A couple of days ago, the guy I fell in love with when I was 22 (several years ago now) and I had a chat. Just a casual chat over text.

For some context: after all the years, we took our friendship to the next level via intimacy. Late last year I then told him how I felt however he wasn't in a place to date me. It sucked for a little but we agreed to still be friends and we have been ever since. He recently informed me of an inattentive ADD diagnosis - whether that had impacted him back then, I don't know. 

We were chatting about work, he was asking me how everything was going - I gave him an update and being proud of my accomplishments lately, he said that "every girl should grow up and want to be like you." "You're the epitome of everything that is good in this world." He then was subtly complimenting me in other respects. Nothing sleazy. 

While it was of course lovely to read from the person you love, why would it be said? I know it's a compliment, but if I'm so amazing and the best there is, why aren't you dating me when you know how I've felt for you? Obviously, I didn't say that. But it's a frustrating feeling to know that he thinks so highly of me, I'm in love, yet we won't go forward. I enlisted Google (yes you can judge me for it) and some articles said that guys can have an inferiority complex - is this true? He's always put himself down in context to me, however he's not in any way beneath me. He just cracks jokes and calls himself a pauper to maybe guise his true feelings of self worth. 

How do I deal with the frustration? It just feels like a "so close yet so far" situation.

Edited June 16, 2020 by girlinNYC
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[FMW]

Maybe he was just in a sentimental/sensitive mood and so he felt the need to express his thoughts about you. Unfortunately that doesn't mean he's "in a place to date you" anymore now than he was last year when you told him how you felt.  

If continuing your friendship with him is too frustrating for you, your only option to end that frustration may be to distance yourself from him.  Holding on to the friendship probably isn't good for you.  

[girlinNYC]

47 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe he was just in a sentimental/sensitive mood and so he felt the need to express his thoughts about you. Unfortunately that doesn't mean he's "in a place to date you" anymore now than he was last year when you told him how you felt.  

If continuing your friendship with him is too frustrating for you, your only option to end that frustration may be to distance yourself from him.  Holding on to the friendship probably isn't good for you.  

I understand that. I certainly don't have dating him at the forefront of my mind, only if he ran to me and said I love you would I entertain those thoughts. It's just equally as hard  to hear as it is good. Honestly, holding on to the friendship is far less painful than letting go. I did that once and it was a terrible few months - the one situation where time didn't heal anything. 

[schlumpy]

I don't see anything wrong with being in contact with him unless it's keeping you from dating and find someone that is available for a relationship.

I get the feeling that he's trying to keep you on the shelf until he is ready (in his mind) for a long term relationship. Once he is done finding himself through other people or activities, he will have a nice pristine relationship to dive into.

Whether you want to stay on the shelf, I think is up to you.

I wouldn't.

[girlinNYC]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

I don't see anything wrong with being in contact with him unless it's keeping you from dating and find someone that is available for a relationship.

I get the feeling that he's trying to keep you on the shelf until he is ready (in his mind) for a long term relationship. Once he is done finding himself through other people or activities, he will have a nice pristine relationship to dive into.

Whether you want to stay on the shelf, I think is up to you.

I wouldn't.

The thing is, he's my first love and regardless, most people will always have something for their first. I agree that staying on the shelf isn't always the best idea but I would rather be completely alone (I have no problem being alone and not dating) rather than date around and only love someone half as much. 

For now I'm just trying to gauge why he'd say all of those next level type of character compliments, if he once wasn't in a place to date me. It's thrown me

[rjc149]

3 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

I know it's a compliment, but if I'm so amazing and the best there is, why aren't you dating me when you know how I've felt for you?

3 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

Late last year I then told him how I felt however he wasn't in a place to date me.

Kind of like how women will say "You're a really attractive, amazing guy, and any woman would be lucky to have you, but I'm just not ready to date right now." 

Not interested. 

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

The thing is, he's my first love and regardless, most people will always have something for their first. I agree that staying on the shelf isn't always the best idea but I would rather be completely alone (I have no problem being alone and not dating) rather than date around and only love someone half as much. 

For now I'm just trying to gauge why he'd say all of those next level type of character compliments, if he once wasn't in a place to date me. It's thrown me

I think you have to view it as he's pinning you in place.

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

The thing is, he's my first love and regardless, most people will always have something for their first. I agree that staying on the shelf isn't always the best idea but I would rather be completely alone (I have no problem being alone and not dating) rather than date around and only love someone half as much. 

For now I'm just trying to gauge why he'd say all of those next level type of character compliments, if he once wasn't in a place to date me. It's thrown me

Is there a reason you can't just openly communicate with him about it? 

Why not just express how it seemed confusing to you, how you like hearing it but does it means he now would like to try to date?  Would it hurt too much to tell him you would be open to trying?  Could you just have a conversation about it around his recent diagnosis?  It sounds like you have a shared history and trust, why not have a conversation about what you tow have and if maybe now is the time to try and how it could work.   Would just recommend you ease into it slow if you decide to try.  I've a strange feeling you both are trying to to protect your hearts so much that you may be both passing on what you want.

His saying those things is compatible with him being interested in trying, he may well just be hinting because it sounds like he turned you down last time...so he has some guilt about it and maybe fear you dislike him now in that way.

I'm not sure about what it means to not be in a place to date you, he may not know for certain himself, he may both want to date you but also be afraid of doing so for fear of messing things up.  Whatever it is that is causing the fear of messing things up or impracticality can often be addressed by taking it slow and being open with each other.  If you both can be on the same page about wanting to try and being understanding of each other of the difficulties, and can communicate on those difficulties...well that is hard to find and what we all have to do even if we are in a place to date. 

[Mystery4u]

He is saying those things because he thinks you are fundamentally a good person and all of those things, and NOTHING more.

The real question here is why are you still talking to him? When you tell someone you love them, want to be with them, and they return with 'I'm not in a place to date you', you don't just hang around hoping things will change. He is not ready to date YOU. He will be ready to date as soon as he meets someone he is actually interested in. He is not interested in anything more than friendship with you.

Staying in contact is clearly stopping you from meeting other people and being happy with someone else.

Get him out of your life for good and MOVE ON. Life is too short to be wasting your time on people who are not interested in you.

[ShyViolet]

I think you are reading too much into this.  You said you are "so close yet so far."  No you're not.... I disagree with that.  You're not so close.  He views you as only a friend.  He knows about your feelings for him.  If he had feelings for you back, he would have been with you.  You are wasting your time hoping for something that is just not gonna happen.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

How do I deal with the frustration?

You have two options: keep this friendship, but understand your love is going to be unrequited--and that's not a pleasant place to be in....

or tell him that you need space from him to gain some perspective because although you've told him your feelings, he is unwilling to consider you in the same light; and you need time to strangle those feelings forever so that you can open yourself up emotionally to another man who does want you the way you want them.  His response to that will tell you all you need to know.  If he says "yeah, I understand, but I really like you as a friend and don't want to lose your friendship", then you go on NC as far as he's concerned because he's not going to come around to your way of thinking. You need time to yourself without him keeping this wound open out of his selfishness. Maybe in a few months, once you've gotten the majority of him out of your system and start dating someone, you can be cordial friends with one another. I wouldn't try to pick up where you left off, especially if you've found someone else. They're not going to appreciate your friendship with that dude.

[Lotsgoingon]

10 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

if I'm so amazing and the best there is, why aren't you dating me when you know how I've felt for you? 

Well believe or not (and I learned this the hard way being in your situation) telling someone that you admire their great qualities does not mean they want to date us. People who want to date us will spend less time telling us how great we are and more time pulling us toward them in romance. 

One of my exes told me I was by far the best man she had ever dated. Sounds amazing right? She also said I took care of her emotionally better than any man she had ever dated. Again, sounds great right? ... Well ... here's what she wasn't saying. She wasn't saying, I am so happy to be dating you. She never said  I am so attracted to you, I am so happy to be with you. And truth be told, she didn't act like she really wanted to be with me. She was always just ... a bit distant ... a bit cold ... and I remember asking multiple times, what is wrong? 

Now, there is a possibility in your case right now that he was throwing out a flirt to you ... but if that's the case, you'll pick up that energy again very soon.And you won't have to stretch and overthink to pick up that energy. 

I dare say you could look around and find guys you think are wonderful that you don't want to enter into romance with. Romance isn't just I love your qualities. Yes, that's a good part of it. Equally important is, come here, right now. I wanna be with you.

[Interstellar]

what’s his age? partly immaturity in not knowing what he wants out of life, and since you’re in ny, do you live in the city?  then he still wants to explore what’s out there and doesn’t want to be tied down. the bottomline is he’s not interested in you romantically. i’d say the same thing if a guy were to ask the same question.

Edited June 17, 2020 by Interstellar

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh ... and people sometimes give these spectacular roses of praise precisely because they are not interested in romance ... but they know we are ... so they throw this gorgeous compliment our way ... as a way to makes us feel OK being around them and not dating them.