sothereiwas Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I think this is because, in general, women have higher standards/expectations for a romantic partnership. If you ask a man what his must-haves in a partner are, he'll probably list 3 or 4 things. If you ask a woman, she's probably got at least a dozen. And she could easily sit there and come up with a dozen more she'd strongly prefer. In an experiment involving speed dating, men and women were asked note when they knew if they were at all interested in the other person. For men, it was typically a very short time, for women, much longer, comparatively speaking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 6, 2020 Author Share Posted July 6, 2020 5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Most men and women are in relationships, so the majority of women don’t stay single. And the question is whether or not women are happier staying single than men. I think most in this thread at least, believe that to be true. More women are happier being single than men. One of the reasons I’ve postulated is that women are happier being single because they believe “good men” (however one defines that) are rare or elusive. Contrast that with men who feel there are plenty of good women, however they’re unable to attract them. That discrepancy could lead to a difference in happiness when single. Then the thread took a bit of a turn, as I was wondering why some people believe finding a good mate would be rare or elusive, and one of the reasons might be people that are looking for a “perfect” fit, or wanting someone to fit perfectly into their lives, as opposed to being able to meet someone halfway and compromise. Which lead me to think that perhaps the people that are happiest being single are also ones who aren’t willing to compromise and therefore believe that a good mate is rare and elusive. And why would they compromise as they’re happy being single! That was my somewhat convoluted train of thought anyways... This author put out a book about "Settling for Mr Good Enough" where she (a woman) claims single women sabotage themselves when holding out for someone that meets every bullet on their list (and it's typically a long list). When is it time to stop pining for Prince Charming/Mr Right...and just "compromise" on Mr Alright. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 6, 2020 Author Share Posted July 6, 2020 1 minute ago, sothereiwas said: In an experiment involving speed dating, men and women were asked note when they knew if they were at all interested in the other person. For men, it was typically a very short time, for women, much longer, comparatively speaking. Yeah, there had been quite a few statistics comparing men to women's list of standards. Some men where willing to even delete some portions of their criteria in a woman, where as women rarely budged on their lists. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 8 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Where are you seeing 40+ year old men being interested in 40+ year old women? Most available men in their 40’s are chasing after 20 year olds. Lol Everywhere. Most men in their 40s can't GET women in their 20s 😅 (especially in overweight, inactive America, the UK, etc. where age does nobody any favors that way). But even beyond that,.most middle-aged guys I know date in their age group, not as an exact thing but within probably a handful of years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: Yeah, there had been quite a few statistics comparing men to women's list of standards. Some men where willing to even delete some portions of their criteria in a woman, where as women rarely budged on their lists. Yeah, but if the only criterion is "a lot younger than I, and hot" then surely you can see the problem. 😅 Also, yes, guys say they want very little. But when pressed, more and more criteria come up. "I just want a good, loving woman. with values similar to mine." "Okay, let me introduce you to a few of my friends...." No, that one is too old... This one didn't offer to pay for the date...so she's out...that's my test, if she doesn't even offer.... That one is too fat...(Even if the guy is fat) That one just doesn't turn me on....I mean physically....I can't do anything about it...I like what I like... No...she's a feminist.... (Or) No....she's not a feminist...I need a partner who works, I don't want to support an adult... Nah...she's a single mother....or has never been a mother and might want to be one and I don't want that... That one just lives too far away... I want a woman in her 20s to start my own family...no, adoption is out...no, HER kids don't count... After we slept together she seemed too vanilla...and I "need" a woman who will do X, Y or A in bed... She posts on Instagram too much...she must be a narcissist... She just can't compare to the love of my life that I keep bringing up...she's different from 'that ideal'... She isn't involved enough with/doesn't want to meet my kids... She's in too much of a hurry to become an official couple... She's too slow in committing...what, is she seeing other guys?? She has too many male friends... She has too many female friends... She's just not pretty enough...and hey, that's just biology.... And on and on, you all get the idea. Come on. When guys in those "studies" say they're not picky they mean they're not picky about the exact qualities of the women they want to FFF. But when it comes to a relationship, damn. Are guys picky? Ummmm yeah. Edited July 6, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 1 hour ago, jspice said: Why do you mention her looks? is it because you feel she should be grateful these men are trying to date her She’s not resisting putting herself out there. She seems perfectly fine with her choice. Why don’t the men “resist” trying to force her to go out? This is the thing...when given actual reasons some women are fine with not having a serious relationship, some guys just refuse to believe those reasons, because it's not okay for women to want to be alone. That decreases the dating pool. There have been some solid reasons given here. They've been shouted down. By men, mostly. Because women don't know what we want. Men know what we want. It gets really 16th century in here sometimes. 😅 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 32 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: But even beyond that,.most middle-aged guys I know date in their age group, not as an exact thing but within probably a handful of years. This is my experience as well. I'm sure the older players are chasing 20-something women, but most older women aren't interested in players, so no loss whatsoever. It seems to me that older men who want a lasting relationship tend to focus on women in their own generation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 35 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: Yeah, there had been quite a few statistics comparing men to women's list of standards. Some men where willing to even delete some portions of their criteria in a woman, where as women rarely budged on their lists. And as a woman gets older, she often learns that the times she has budged on her list, she's regretted it. Many women only get stricter as they go, as we learn that lowering our standards just leads to disappointment and hassle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: And as a woman gets older, she often learns that the times she has budged on her list, she's regretted it. Many women only get stricter as they go, as we learn that lowering our standards just leads to disappointment and hassle. Not a woman, but as I got older I definitely honed my list. I elevated some elements, and completely dropped others. The main thing I dropped was a need for instant chemistry / fireworks, realizing how meaningless that is in the long term. And it worked out extremely well as I’ve been happily married for years! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, QuietRiot said: This author put out a book about "Settling for Mr Good Enough" where she (a woman) claims single women sabotage themselves when holding out for someone that meets every bullet on their list (and it's typically a long list). When is it time to stop pining for Prince Charming/Mr Right...and just "compromise" on Mr Alright. Be honest. Would you want to just be "Mr. All Right" to someone? What do you think that would do to your self-esteem over time? Who actually WANTS a situation like this? On the receiving end. How can that be good enough? Edited July 7, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 7, 2020 Author Share Posted July 7, 2020 6 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Be honest. Would you want to just be "Mr. All Right" to someone? What do you think that would do to your self-esteem over time? Who actually WANTS a situation like this? On the receiving end. How can that be good enough? I am thinking that the majority of people that DO marry, tend to compromise on a couple of things on their lists as they had realized they were being unrealistic. That's what the publication demonstrates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 12 hours ago, QuietRiot said: This author put out a book about "Settling for Mr Good Enough" where she (a woman) claims single women sabotage themselves when holding out for someone that meets every bullet on their list (and it's typically a long list). When is it time to stop pining for Prince Charming/Mr Right...and just "compromise" on Mr Alright. QR, you're going really off topic here. The premise of your question was about understanding women who are content being single. 'Content' being the operative word. Women who are content remaining single don't have a list because they aren't looking. Women who do have a list and give up because they can't find a man who ticks all the boxes are a whole different kettle of fish. If you want to discuss these women, the topic would be about women who give up on dating because they can't find a man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 On 7/6/2020 at 5:21 AM, Mysterio said: Zona. If a show is going to do this. If the couple get married. There should be such an ironclad prenup where either party can't screw over each other finanically. Everything is split evenly including the House. No going after pension. The marriage isn't real Mysterio. They just pretend to get married for the show. Nothing legal, no divorce required. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 On 7/6/2020 at 8:39 PM, Weezy1973 said: At the time you were doing what made sense to you, but you learned and grew. Hopefully everybody is the same. But that’s up to you for yourself. You can’t impose that on others. Actually, personal growth has mostly come from people telling me I was wrong and me realising that they are correct. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 12 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Yeah, but if the only criterion is "a lot younger than I, and hot" then surely you can see the problem. 😅 Also, yes, guys say they want very little. But when pressed, more and more criteria come up. "I just want a good, loving woman. with values similar to mine." "Okay, let me introduce you to a few of my friends...." No, that one is too old... This one didn't offer to pay for the date...so she's out...that's my test, if she doesn't even offer.... That one is too fat...(Even if the guy is fat) That one just doesn't turn me on....I mean physically....I can't do anything about it...I like what I like... No...she's a feminist.... (Or) No....she's not a feminist...I need a partner who works, I don't want to support an adult... Nah...she's a single mother....or has never been a mother and might want to be one and I don't want that... That one just lives too far away... I want a woman in her 20s to start my own family...no, adoption is out...no, HER kids don't count... After we slept together she seemed too vanilla...and I "need" a woman who will do X, Y or A in bed... She posts on Instagram too much...she must be a narcissist... She just can't compare to the love of my life that I keep bringing up...she's different from 'that ideal'... She isn't involved enough with/doesn't want to meet my kids... She's in too much of a hurry to become an official couple... She's too slow in committing...what, is she seeing other guys?? She has too many male friends... She has too many female friends... She's just not pretty enough...and hey, that's just biology.... And on and on, you all get the idea. Come on. When guys in those "studies" say they're not picky they mean they're not picky about the exact qualities of the women they want to FFF. But when it comes to a relationship, damn. Are guys picky? Ummmm yeah. Can we get a round of applause? Theres a lot of truth in this. Also, many men want that spark, too. If you dont give him the same feelings as the one who hot away, he will next you. Guys want a woman who knows what to do in a relationship. She cant have a lot of relationship experience because she has baggage and possibly kids, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Roswell91 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 1 hour ago, hotpotato said: Can we get a round of applause? Theres a lot of truth in this. Also, many men want that spark, too. If you dont give him the same feelings as the one who hot away, he will next you. Guys want a woman who knows what to do in a relationship. She cant have a lot of relationship experience because she has baggage and possibly kids, too. So true. Both posts. I think a problem is exactly that, they will compare to the previous ones they had. And if a guys had plenty of relationships he will most likely have experienced a lot of different types of women who have given him different kinds of feelings. It can be difficult to live up to all that Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Actually, personal growth has mostly come from people telling me I was wrong and me realising that they are correct. But that still came from within. Change always does - not to say other don’t have influence. It can certainly be friends, or a book, or therapy etc. But ultimately it’s ourselves that has to actual do it. Many, many examples of people struggling yet unable to make healthy changes to move them in the right direction, despite being told by friends, therapists and members of message boards... Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Not a woman, but as I got older I definitely honed my list. I elevated some elements, and completely dropped others. The main thing I dropped was a need for instant chemistry / fireworks, realizing how meaningless that is in the long term. And it worked out extremely well as I’ve been happily married for years! I can't say I have had a list as such, that said I only ever carried on with people who I had instant chemistry with since it matters for the long term. And it has worked extremely well as I've been happily married for 21+ years into a splendid 24 year sexual relationship. 3 hours ago, QuietRiot said: I am thinking that the majority of people that DO marry, tend to compromise on a couple of things on their lists as they had realized they were being unrealistic. That's what the publication demonstrates. And some people wonder why, their marriages turned out so poorly. Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 On 7/6/2020 at 9:08 PM, QuietRiot said: These ladies find solace with their immediate family members, neices , nephews, cousins. etc. I know a woman that's been single for a long time, she isn't all that great looking, but all her weekends consist of spending it with her neices and nephews....so...she doesn't even get out with friends to socialize at certain local venues. So she is resisting putting herself out there and has wound up being kind of a Marry Poppins to her married brothers and sisters. Well good for her if she is content doing that, and isn't interested seeking any other sexual relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 49 minutes ago, 5x5 said: I can't say I have had a list as such, that said I only ever carried on with people who I had instant chemistry with since it matters for the long term. And it has worked extremely well as I've been happily married for 21+ years into a splendid 24 year sexual relationship. Not to derail the thread but the fact that you only carried on with people you had instant chemistry with (assuming there were more than just your wife), shows that instant chemistry isn’t important long term, as most of those didn’t work out despite the instant chemistry. Not saying one should avoid instant chemistry of course. But attraction growing over time as opposed to being instant is equally viable. And being open to both forms of attraction just gives you more options. And to be clear, I’m not saying one should marry someone they’re not attracted to. But whether the attraction is instant, or grows over time, either way there’s attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Not to derail the thread but the fact that you only carried on with people you had instant chemistry with (assuming there were more than just your wife), shows that instant chemistry isn’t important long term, as most of those didn’t work out despite the instant chemistry. Well I've been married twice and mental illness which wasn't there to begin with, visited my first marriage, so no it didn't work out as a consequence of that rather than having instant chemistry. Likewise in a couple of other instances, they were married to other people, so that put the kibosh on those relationships carrying as ongoing sexual relationships interminably not the future. Etc. Edited July 7, 2020 by 5x5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: And to be clear, I’m not saying one should marry someone they’re not attracted to. But whether the attraction is instant, or grows over time, either way there’s attraction. And I agree with that, yet I've never done the slow build up, so... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 4 hours ago, QuietRiot said: I am thinking that the majority of people that DO marry, tend to compromise on a couple of things on their lists as they had realized they were being unrealistic. That's what the publication demonstrates. Compromise on a couple of things, yes. Settle for "Mr. All Right" doesn't sound like that. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Everyone - every single person - I know except my 80-year-old FIL (who just can't be alone) was thrilled to be marrying his or her spouse. Just over the moon, and very much in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Not to derail the thread but the fact that you only carried on with people you had instant chemistry with (assuming there were more than just your wife), shows that instant chemistry isn’t important long term, as most of those didn’t work out despite the instant chemistry. Not saying one should avoid instant chemistry of course. But attraction growing over time as opposed to being instant is equally viable. And being open to both forms of attraction just gives you more options. And to be clear, I’m not saying one should marry someone they’re not attracted to. But whether the attraction is instant, or grows over time, either way there’s attraction. Meaning what? Men who don't find women attractive should continue to go out with the woman because he might eventually begin to be attracted to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Roswell91 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Meaning what? Men who don't find women attractive should continue to go out with the woman because he might eventually begin to be attracted to her? Im guilty of doing this. But with men. Sometimes attraction grew. Other times it was a dead end. But i don't really think most men would see a woman a second time if everything he wanted wasn't there on the first date. People I've spoken to through OLD. Have pretty much told me as much. One guy told me of his experiences. One of the women was too short for him. The other apparently couldnt give him any eye contact ( that's how nervous she was). He didn't see either of them again. Another told me one was too sexual 😂 and there were a few others attractive enough but he didnt see them in the romantic sense. Again he didnt meet any of them a second time. I think a second chance should always be given unless the first time is a total disaster. As people are nervous and may not be able to show the best parts of themselves Link to post Share on other sites
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