A Case for Long-Distance Dating

[Ray57]

I know that dating people who live close by is ideal, but in some cases, long-distance may make more sense. For example, if you’re in high demand, and there’s a large pool of people nearby whom you can choose from and who have important things in common with you, there’s no reason to consider long distance dating. But what if most of the people who live in your general area have different values and hold different views than you do on things like political issues and faith? That’s my situation – the available pool of women who live anywhere near me and who share my values and views is very small.

On top of that, I’m at a stage in life where I know what I want, and my list of must-haves is much shorter than it used to be (and, I think, a great deal shorter than others, period, who seem in search of perfection). I hope to live to a ripe old age, but what if I have much less time left? Should I date a woman for years, hoping to flatten the likely-eventual-divorce curve by getting to know every little thing about her before popping the question? Honestly, once I check the faith and values and chemistry boxes, the only thing I really need to know is that she would always communicate with me, would never ever give up, and would always be willing to work through issues. With all that, why would I need years? After all, most marriages for the first few thousand years of our existence were arranged, and many still are in countries like India where the divorce rate is very low, so why should this approach be any more risky than that? Surely, it can't be more risky than the modern approach where couples date forever to make sure it's right and so many still end up divorced anyhow.

I’ll continue considering women who live nearby, because anything’s possible, but if I find a woman who seems perfect for me who lives a distance away, I’ll do most of the travelling, will spend as much time with her as I can when we visit (from a few days to even a week or two), and after a few of those visits over maybe a year, will ideally be ready to pop the question. Call me crazy, but that’s my view.

[chillii]

Hi mate. Sounds fair enough you know yourself if whatever situation will work for you then why not.  Besides you might even find she wants to come to yours , mine does and it just works out better all round anyway.

We haven't found the distance too much of a prob. Sometimes it's nice , 12 hours apart , mind you she's starting to want to get something done soon , and 2 yrs of course,, l'm really looking forward to it myself too now, Lot of people swear against long distance around this forum l see but if your both willing it's doable until one or both of you can move.

All the best anyway.

Edited June 17, 2020 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

Define distance away 1st.  If you can see each other without getting on a plane it's no big deal 

The problems with an LDR is that you don't see each other enough. If you do fall for somebody are you willing to relocate.  If you are willing to relocate why not move now to open up to that allegedly larger pool of women who share your values?  

[ShyViolet]

On 6/16/2020 at 8:53 PM, Ray57 said:

 But what if most of the people who live in your general area have different values and hold different views than you do on things like political issues and faith? That’s my situation – the available pool of women who live anywhere near me and who share my values and views is very small.

 

I don't buy this.  You've met EVERYONE who lives in your area?  You know that there's no one within a 100 mile radius of you who shares your beliefs and values?

I can see this maybe being an issue if let's say, you are a progressive liberal atheist and you're living in a small, conservative town in the American South.  In a case like that, you'll feel very out of place and not have much in common with the people in your area.  So if it's something like that, why are you living there?  I feel that a better course of action would be to move.

[ssm617]

On 6/17/2020 at 12:26 PM, d0nnivain said:

Define distance away 1st.  If you can see each other without getting on a plane it's no big deal 

The problems with an LDR is that you don't see each other enough. If you do fall for somebody are you willing to relocate.  If you are willing to relocate why not move now to open up to that allegedly larger pool of women who share your values?  

There are plenty of places I could drive to without getting on a plane that I would consider too far for myself.  The only time I would consider a LDR if it was temporary and we already in established relationship. Such as temporary job transfer / relocation for 6 months or so. It can be difficult getting know someone that I could only see about once a month (or less often than that) because of distance. 

[mark clemson]

They are not for me and I would advise against them generally. I'm sure they've worked for some people, but I think much of the "relationship" is likely to be based on a concept or fantasy of the other person based on what little you are able to see, not what they actually are. In my case it is also fairly easy to find someone else (closer by), and my experience is that for many women that is not too difficult either (assuming they decide to do that).

I understand that some folks have "avoidant attachment styles" and/or whatever other psychological factors drive one to like LDRs, and so prefer them for those reasons. For example, there is apparently a whole Living Apart Together crowd out there. That's fine, but they're definitely not for me.