Settling is surely a bad idea?

[an0nym0us123]

Often people are advised to lower their standards if they are finding it impossible to meet anyone. Im not sure this is something I would ever do but surely trying to form a relationship with someone you are not attracted to and dont even like is not going to be very fulfilling or healthy? 

If you are unable to date someone who meets what you are looking for, you would be happier single?

[Stevnx3]

Single, yes. Unless my standards are unrealistic, and truly do need to change. This can likewise be something that happens.  

But better to be alone, than in unwanted company. Recipe for plenty of misery. 

[salparadise]

Are these declarative statements with a question mark? Questions and declarative statements are structured differently AND have different punctuation, e.g. "Tom is running." vs. "Is Tom running?"

I wish people would quit using the word settle as if it's an overt action. Everyone compromises except George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and perhaps a few others at the top of the food chain. The difference is that for most it's not conscious decision, it's just water seeking its own level. You send out a signal that you're interested, and they either ignore or reciprocate. If they reciprocate you've got a match and the couple can get it on with entirely positive feeling about the pairing.

However, when someone is never attracted to the people who show interest in them, or if they are always ignored or shot down when they show interest, there is about a 99.9 percent chance that their assessment of their own market value or attraction quotient is inaccurate. We assess where we are on the totem pole through social cues and past experiences. A research project determined that people doing online dating tend to aim too high by about 25 percent. If people would be more realistic, or a bit less ambitious, there would be more matchups.

If you're so far off the mark that you have to consciously "settle" to get a date or a relationship, I'd suggest recalibrating your picker as opposed to settling for someone you're not attracted to. If you can't manage that, then yes, remain single rather than victimizing someone.

[CaliforniaGirl]

23 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Are these declarative statements with a question mark? Questions and declarative statements are structured differently AND have different punctuation, e.g. "Tom is running." vs. "Is Tom running?"

I wish people would quit using the word settle as if it's an overt action. Everyone compromises except George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and perhaps a few others at the top of the food chain. The difference is that for most it's not conscious decision, it's just water seeking its own level. You send out a signal that you're interested, and they either ignore or reciprocate. If they reciprocate you've got a match and the couple can get it on with entirely positive feeling about the pairing.

However, when someone is never attracted to the people who show interest in them, or if they are always ignored or shot down when they show interest, there is about a 99.9 percent chance that their assessment of their own market value or attraction quotient is inaccurate. We assess where we are on the totem pole through social cues and past experiences. A research project determined that people doing online dating tend to aim too high by about 25 percent. If people would be more realistic, or a bit less ambitious, there would be more matchups.

If you're so far off the mark that you have to consciously "settle" to get a date or a relationship, I'd suggest recalibrating your picker as opposed to settling for someone you're not attracted to. If you can't manage that, then yes, remain single rather than victimizing someone.

And I believe sometimes people develop crazy expectations (and sometimes very conflicting ones) because deep down they don't really want to be with someone, so they create their own stumbling blocks. Some people are so damaged that subconsciously they are terrified of being vulnerable that way. Hand such a person his dream girl and guaranteed he's suddenly find a series of fatal flaws. JMO.

[an0nym0us123]

I think the problem with lowering standards is you just dont wake up one day and decide that you will be attracted to people you were not the day before.

I think if you cant date the type of person who you actually really like, are excited to spend time with and find attractive then you have no choice but to remain single.

 

[elaine567]

Before OLD people found suitable mates mostly  IRL.
At work, social events, bars, clubs. through hobbies, introductions from friends and family.... etc
Everyone quickly learned their place in the pecking order. Women hankering after top guys soon found these guys were not interested in them and guys pitching at the top girls, soon learned that was a waste of time. 
If they themselves didn't realise it, there would be plenty of friends to tell them they were barking up the wrong tree and point them in the right direction
People thus generally stayed in their lane. They didn't feel they were settling, they just had a realistic sense of what was available to them.
With OLD there is direct access to all sorts of beautiful and interesting  people and so "normal" people can seem lacklustre in comparison. 
There is no peer group pointing in the right direction either, so expectations can get out of hand in the internet world.

[Blind-Sided]

OP... You have it wrong.  No one here is saying to lower standards to an unrealistic point.  Most of the time it's said here... it's because the person asking is being unrealistic in what they are looking for.  I know there is a member here right now who acts like dating is ordering food.  (Extra pickles, light mayo, dressing on the side)    

So... maybe you say tattoo's are a deal breaker... we may say... small and tasteful in a discreet location.... consider taking that off your list.  You may be looking for a very small age range... open that up... you may be looking for someone who was never married, but is 40 years old... consider someone who was divorced....... AND SO ON.    I can't ever remember someone saying... "Just date anyone, even if they are a drug dealer." OK... that's extreme, but you get my point.

SO... OP... you have it wrong, and need to check yourself, and understand the statements being made. 

[an0nym0us123]

The problems is the person I might actually be able to get is very far away from the type of person I like. 

We are not talking about a tattoo or and couple of years age difference. 

I honestly dont think there would be any point pursuing a relationship with someone so far from who i would want. Even though they may be a nice enough person.

 

[salparadise]

27 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

The problems is the person I might actually be able to get is very far away from the type of person I like. 

Yea, I know the feeling... I've been trying to call Jennifer Connally for a decade and it's like she doesn't even know I exist. Do you think I should settle for a reasonably cute B-lister?

 

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by salparadise

[an0nym0us123]

You think im being that unrealistic?

The type of woman i could actually have probably has 3 kids to 2 different dads. Smokes and drinks often. Is heavily over weight and has aged badly and pays little attention to her health. She may have some part time work or lives on state benefits and doesnt own a house.

I have no kids, never married, i have worked out regularly, dont smoke, only drink socially. I own 2 businesses. Im not in debt of any kind and sitting on assets worth almost  £1 million pounds. I own my own house and will be renovating another to let out in the future and will inherit another 2.

Is this a fair match?

 

[d0nnivain]

You are attracted to who you are attracted to. 

The advice to set more realistic expectations is sound when the person lamenting that they can't find love has never met let alone dated any person who meets those standards.   It's not settling.  

For example if I said I am only attracted to professional athletes who have a Master's degree or better & speak at least 5 languages my expectations need to be adjusted.  No I don't have to date an out of shape person who grunts to communicate & didn't graduate from HS but I should open myself up to a fit person who enjoys sports, is well educated / curious who speaks more then one language.  Do you see the difference?  There is settling which never works & being open minded. 

In my own life, I have a LOT of education & fancy degrees from good schools.  When I met my husband he was going to school on line.  Many in my circle recommended I dump him because he didn't have the right pedigree.  I saw his industriousness which was more important to me than his sheepskin.  He did eventually graduate from his on line program well into his late 30s but with a 4.0.  Do you think I settled because I didn't marry a man who got his degree from a brick & mortar school that rivaled the name recognition of the ones I graduated from?  

You don't have to settle for the unattractive women you described but if you found a single mom with 1 kid who was otherwise fit, financially solvent & interesting, yes I think you should open yourself up to dating that person.  

Edited June 17, 2020 by d0nnivain

[an0nym0us123]

Im not actually looking for someone who is highly successful or has a degree. I have dated nurses, optitians, hairdressers accountants and someone working in a shop.

Despite holding assets in property myself my Income is just average although i could push it higher. It is fairly disposable since i dont pay rent, a mortgage and i dont have kids to pay for.

The type of person i can actually get is far away from what i have myself 

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

The type of person i can actually get is far away from what i have myself 

So why do you think that is? What do you honestly think?
What is about you that is turning more suitable woman off?
We on here can guess all night and not even be close...

[d0nnivain]

27 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

The type of woman i could actually have probably has 3 kids to 2 different dads. Smokes and drinks often. Is heavily over weight and has aged badly and pays little attention to her health. She may have some part time work or lives on state benefits and doesnt own a house.

So what are you looking for?  You need to search for values & generalities not specifics. 

I assume you prefer a woman who is childless.  They are out there.  You can make it a deal breaker if they have more then 1 baby daddy but be open to someone with a kid.  Past a certain point it's harder to find somebody with no kids but it's OK to want that. I was childless at 39 when I met DH.  Fortunately he was too.  

If you don't want a smoker or a drinker, fine.  Stay away from picking people up in bars & clubs.   Smoking wasn't a complete deal breaker for me but they couldn't smoke in my house & they had to brush their teeth before we kissed.   

You want somebody who is fit.  That is fine.  Join some type of singles hiking / walking club.  Play a co-ed sport.   Just as I met DH I was about to sign up for some golf singles thing where they matched 2 men & 2 women to play 9 holes.  I figured even if the company sucked, I'd get in 9 holes which was better then sitting home.  A friend of mine met her husband through a ski club that got together to hit the slopes.  Pick an activity you enjoy & search for a woman there  

You want an industrious person who is solvent.  You say you own 2 businesses.  What do you do to market them?   I'm not sure what the comparable organization is where you are but start attending Chamber of Commerce events.  I met my husband at a business card exchange.  We were both there to promote our respective businesses but fell in love instead.  When you go to trade shows look around.  Granted with Covid in person marketing is not happening but when the world re-opens check out those kinds of business related events.  If you are not doing those things to market & grow your businesses start.  You will be increase sales & widen your social circle.  

Perhaps join an investment club where a few people get together to follow the stock market.  You will be guaranteed that any woman in the group has some disposable income to invest or at least that she's open to growing her own nest egg.  

As a business owner, do something to give back to your community.  Volunteer to serve on a Board of Trustees for something in your community -- the local museum, to raise money to fight / cure a disease, saving animals.  Where you volunteer doesn't matter as much as the fact that you do.  Those groups are filled with active, passionate, intelligent committed people.  Many may be single all of them know somebody dynamic who is single.  Also start attending the dinners & charity events these groups often host.  

Part of your problem may be where you are looking for a partner.  

[salparadise]

6 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

You think im being that unrealistic?

The type of woman i could actually have probably has 3 kids to 2 different dads. Smokes and drinks often. Is heavily over weight and has aged badly and pays little attention to her health. She may have some part time work or lives on state benefits and doesnt own a house.

I have no idea how unrealistic you actually are. My point was that there is a definite pecking order, or hierarchy, which is based on many factors, and if you aren't having success with your A-list aspirations then consider the possibility that you're aiming high.  

What I can say based on this one post, is that you seem to see this is a simple calculation, mostly economic with a few personal habits, number of kids, and number of baby daddies mixed in. It's not that simple. If it were, people would list assets and baby daddies in their dating profiles and negotiate online.

What happens in the real world is that people are at least somewhat realistic about their place in the hierarchy, and they adjust based on the range of people who respond positively to them (flirting, smiles, eye contact). For most the adjustment is not conscious, it's intuitive and constantly being adjusted based on input received. 

I am at a loss to put this into terms that get traction with you. There is something missing in your awareness of how it works. If you have dated nurses, optitians, hairdressers, accountants, and someone working in a shop, why were none of those suitable? Did you dump them for not being up to your level, or did they end it with you? This would be key info in figuring this out.

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So why do you think that is? What do you honestly think?
What is about you that is turning more suitable woman off?
We on here can guess all night and not even be close...

At the end of a date when i get the blow off speech or the blow off text the next day its usually "i enjoyed our date and you are really nice but i just didnt feel it".

Of course they probably arent telling me the real reasons. Either they were bitterly disappointed in how i looked in real life or though i had a rotten personality. Or both 

[an0nym0us123]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I have no idea how unrealistic you actually are. My point was that there is a definite pecking order, or hierarchy, which is based on many factors, and if you aren't having success with your A-list aspirations then consider the possibility that you're aiming high.  

What I can say based on this one post, is that you seem to see this is a simple calculation, mostly economic with a few personal habits, number of kids, and number of baby daddies mixed in. It's not that simple. If it were, people would list assets and baby daddies in their dating profiles and negotiate online.

What happens in the real world is that people are at least somewhat realistic about their place in the hierarchy, and they adjust based on the range of people who respond positively to them (flirting, smiles, eye contact). For most the adjustment is not conscious, it's intuitive and constantly being adjusted based on input received. 

I am at a loss to put this into terms that get traction with you. There is something missing in your awareness of how it works. If you have dated nurses, optitians, hairdressers, accountants, and someone working in a shop, why were none of those suitable? Did you dump them for not being up to your level, or did they end it with you? This would be key info in figuring this out.

 

 

Of all the 1st dates i had with these women most ditched me after 1 date. Ones i had 4 dates with before she bailed out to

[chillii]

5 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

with someone you are not attracted to and dont even like is not going to be very fulfilling or healthy? 

 

 

Well , they wouldn't mean like that , that's not lowering your standards that'd just be stupidity

 

 

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by chillii

[an0nym0us123]

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So what are you looking for?  You need to search for values & generalities not specifics. 

I assume you prefer a woman who is childless.  They are out there.  You can make it a deal breaker if they have more then 1 baby daddy but be open to someone with a kid.  Past a certain point it's harder to find somebody with no kids but it's OK to want that. I was childless at 39 when I met DH.  Fortunately he was too.  

If you don't want a smoker or a drinker, fine.  Stay away from picking people up in bars & clubs.   Smoking wasn't a complete deal breaker for me but they couldn't smoke in my house & they had to brush their teeth before we kissed.   

You want somebody who is fit.  That is fine.  Join some type of singles hiking / walking club.  Play a co-ed sport.   Just as I met DH I was about to sign up for some golf singles thing where they matched 2 men & 2 women to play 9 holes.  I figured even if the company sucked, I'd get in 9 holes which was better then sitting home.  A friend of mine met her husband through a ski club that got together to hit the slopes.  Pick an activity you enjoy & search for a woman there  

You want an industrious person who is solvent.  You say you own 2 businesses.  What do you do to market them?   I'm not sure what the comparable organization is where you are but start attending Chamber of Commerce events.  I met my husband at a business card exchange.  We were both there to promote our respective businesses but fell in love instead.  When you go to trade shows look around.  Granted with Covid in person marketing is not happening but when the world re-opens check out those kinds of business related events.  If you are not doing those things to market & grow your businesses start.  You will be increase sales & widen your social circle.  

Perhaps join an investment club where a few people get together to follow the stock market.  You will be guaranteed that any woman in the group has some disposable income to invest or at least that she's open to growing her own nest egg.  

As a business owner, do something to give back to your community.  Volunteer to serve on a Board of Trustees for something in your community -- the local museum, to raise money to fight / cure a disease, saving animals.  Where you volunteer doesn't matter as much as the fact that you do.  Those groups are filled with active, passionate, intelligent committed people.  Many may be single all of them know somebody dynamic who is single.  Also start attending the dinners & charity events these groups often host.  

Part of your problem may be where you are looking for a partner.  

Looking for someone childless, most of those i went on dates with were so there are out there. Fairly fit and healthy and at least normal looking.

Anywhere between say 26 and 35. 

Maybe they have access to much hotter men hence why i dont get a look in. I dont know.

My work is in farming and generally requires no marketing. Just produce crops and livestock which is sold at auction.

 

[d0nnivain]

OK. . . . you still have ag events & trade shows.  Somebody has to sell you seeds & tractors.  Go to those trade shows.   Can you reserve a little bit of your crop & go to a farmers' market. . .get a  stand & meet people that way?

Have you tried a dating website geared to farmers?  I know they are out there.  Farmersonly is the one I was thinking of but there are others when I googled it.  

How do you dress & what do you talk about when you go on these dates?  Do you make good eye contact without staring like a creep?   Are you an active listener?  Are you gallant?  If the majority of women drop you after the 1st date you have to acknowledge that you are the common denominator.  So what can you change while still being true to yourself?  If you are a boots, jeans & t-shirt kind of guy you can't wear a suit on the date but perhaps you can have a pair of good jeans & a collared shirt for the date & wear clean shoes.  

My recommendation about the hiking clubs, serving on a board of trustees, & attending local charity events still stands.   

 

[Ruby Slippers]

 

6 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Looking for someone childless, most of those i went on dates with were so there are out there. Fairly fit and healthy and at least normal looking.

Anywhere between say 26 and 35. 

Maybe they have access to much hotter men hence why i dont get a look in. I dont know.

How old are you? What's your physical condition and appearance?

I tried "settling" and it didn't work for me. I had no problem with his looks or attraction. It was character issues that put me off.

Edited June 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Woggle]

It depends on what you are settling on. There are certain things that nobody should lower standards on but don't look for a flawless and perfect person that doesn't exist.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Before OLD people found suitable mates mostly  IRL.
At work, social events, bars, clubs. through hobbies, introductions from friends and family.... etc
Everyone quickly learned their place in the pecking order. Women hankering after top guys soon found these guys were not interested in them and guys pitching at the top girls, soon learned that was a waste of time. 
If they themselves didn't realise it, there would be plenty of friends to tell them they were barking up the wrong tree and point them in the right direction
People thus generally stayed in their lane. They didn't feel they were settling, they just had a realistic sense of what was available to them.
With OLD there is direct access to all sorts of beautiful and interesting  people and so "normal" people can seem lacklustre in comparison. 
There is no peer group pointing in the right direction either, so expectations can get out of hand in the internet world.

THIS and the fact that there isn't much reason to buy the cow so to speak, when so much milk is being offered for free by women these days.

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

You think im being that unrealistic?

The type of woman i could actually have probably has 3 kids to 2 different dads. Smokes and drinks often. Is heavily over weight and has aged badly and pays little attention to her health. She may have some part time work or lives on state benefits and doesnt own a house.

I have no kids, never married, i have worked out regularly, dont smoke, only drink socially. I own 2 businesses. Im not in debt of any kind and sitting on assets worth almost  £1 million pounds. I own my own house and will be renovating another to let out in the future and will inherit another 2.

Is this a fair match?

 

I don't want to minimize when moving is a big deal, but should you consider moving? If that's the majority of women/people in your locale, how do you feel comfortable at all, much less dating? Are you situated in the wrong locale for your own happiness?

Also, is it a "fair" match...who knows? I don't think people in love think of things that way. If you do that could be a part of the problem too. You're thinking of dating as checks and balances and you're judging, whether you think you're showing it or not. That IS going to turn off women, including those "fair matches" you want. Bigtime.

I honestly struggle to understand that a nice-bodied, levelheaded, career minded, smoke-free person worth a couple million dollars literally can't get a date except with a chain-smoking single mother with a bunch of babydaddies and a hundred extra pounds. Something's not matching up here. Most of the men I know do NOT have a couple million dollars in assets, many are not in tip-top shape (the majority of adults, male and female, fall somewhere in the overweight category so this is just kind of a matter of course), and don't own multiple businesses but they have mates who aren't trailer trash at all like you describe.

Edited June 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[rjc149]

It's not a matter of "who" or "what" you are, as much as it's a matter of how you act. 

Women are more attracted to your behavior and personality, than your resume. 

So I'm guessing that you're not the in best shape, don't dress as well and thus have a "look" that is frumpy or unflattering, and you have poor attraction/seduction skills. You're coming off as boring, timid, or needy and approval-seeking, or demonstrating overall low social IQ.  

All fixable things.