Settling is surely a bad idea?

[Zona]

If you're a 6 that only wants to date 8's or 9's, then yes you need to be more realistic about it. 

[manfrombelow]

9 hours ago, rjc149 said:

It's not a matter of "who" or "what" you are, as much as it's a matter of how you act. 

Women are more attracted to your behavior and personality, than your resume. 

So I'm guessing that you're not the in best shape, don't dress as well and thus have a "look" that is frumpy or unflattering, and you have poor attraction/seduction skills. You're coming off as boring, timid, or needy and approval-seeking, or demonstrating overall low social IQ.  

All fixable things. 

 

Can't say it any better.

[QuietRiot]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Before OLD people found suitable mates mostly  IRL.
At work, social events, bars, clubs. through hobbies, introductions from friends and family.... etc
Everyone quickly learned their place in the pecking order. Women hankering after top guys soon found these guys were not interested in them and guys pitching at the top girls, soon learned that was a waste of time. 
If they themselves didn't realise it, there would be plenty of friends to tell them they were barking up the wrong tree and point them in the right direction
People thus generally stayed in their lane. They didn't feel they were settling, they just had a realistic sense of what was available to them.
With OLD there is direct access to all sorts of beautiful and interesting  people and so "normal" people can seem lacklustre in comparison. 
There is no peer group pointing in the right direction either, so expectations can get out of hand in the internet world.

 

Right, pre-internet, people were limited to those around them geographically. Some even wound up marrying their high school sweet hearts and never explored options beyond that. Kind of interesting. If people in the future saw how dating was in the past, would they be like "Wow, I guess they settled!" 

With the internet, people, esp. women have so many options. Kind of like a kid in a candy store unable to make up their minds what flavor they want. I think this is why I see most of the same faces on these sites. No one is ever good enough.

I recall a woman in her mid 50s that demanded in her profile that if you're under 5'10" don't even bother contacting her....and she was only 5'5"...something about figuring heels into the equation. Her profile was full of stringent criteria, when she herself wasn't all that. She said that she has no problem pulling men regardless...but it's online dating...men will take anything pretty much....some rarely get a response.

Edited June 18, 2020 by QuietRiot

[elaine567]

"Settling" has only become a thing as the choice on the internet is so huge.  
If they don't end up with some fantastic guy/girl then they feel they have "settled".
But they haven't settled, actively. 
Settling means to accept less than you want, but as what you wanted wasn't ever actually available, then there was no choice.
They didn't settle for less, they had no other option. 
Instead of being happy with what they got, they feel discontented, it is a destructive mindset.

The internet may have made some ultra picky but I am sure  it was/is no better IRL
Women still like tall men, men still like women with big boobs and some people get rejected IRL on first glance, so I doubt dating was/is any easier for those deemed "less than desirable".

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by elaine567

[an0nym0us123]

14 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 

How old are you? What's your physical condition and appearance?

I tried "settling" and it didn't work for me. I had no problem with his looks or attraction. It was character issues that put me off.

 

13 hours ago, rjc149 said:

It's not a matter of "who" or "what" you are, as much as it's a matter of how you act. 

Women are more attracted to your behavior and personality, than your resume. 

So I'm guessing that you're not the in best shape, don't dress as well and thus have a "look" that is frumpy or unflattering, and you have poor attraction/seduction skills. You're coming off as boring, timid, or needy and approval-seeking, or demonstrating overall low social IQ.  

All fixable things. 

 

34, 5'11". Have been lifting weights since 18, power lifting and fitness training. Currently just over 12 stone.

I generally wear jeans and a nice fitting t shirt which looks pretty good with toned arms. 

I suspect my face is a let down when i meet these women though.

 

[QuietRiot]

5 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

 

34, 5'11". Have been lifting weights since 18, power lifting and fitness training. Currently just over 12 stone.

I generally wear jeans and a nice fitting t shirt which looks pretty good with toned arms. 

I suspect my face is a let down when i meet these women though.

 

Yeah, I'm in shape too. Its funny how peoples go-to response is "lift bro" as a means to attract women. My face is narrow, so I don't have the chiseled or broad jawline that makes one look masculine. 

[an0nym0us123]

13 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't want to minimize when moving is a big deal, but should you consider moving? If that's the majority of women/people in your locale, how do you feel comfortable at all, much less dating? Are you situated in the wrong locale for your own happiness?

Also, is it a "fair" match...who knows? I don't think people in love think of things that way. If you do that could be a part of the problem too. You're thinking of dating as checks and balances and you're judging, whether you think you're showing it or not. That IS going to turn off women, including those "fair matches" you want. Bigtime.

I honestly struggle to understand that a nice-bodied, levelheaded, career minded, smoke-free person worth a couple million dollars literally can't get a date except with a chain-smoking single mother with a bunch of babydaddies and a hundred extra pounds. Something's not matching up here. Most of the men I know do NOT have a couple million dollars in assets, many are not in tip-top shape (the majority of adults, male and female, fall somewhere in the overweight category so this is just kind of a matter of course), and don't own multiple businesses but they have mates who aren't trailer trash at all like you describe.

I dont want to move because i own a farm that has been passed through the family and my area is extremely scenic. Some of the best in the united kingdom. People come from all over the world to come here.

I dont honestly lay out all i own to a woman on a date. She knows i have a farm and sometimes i will send her pictures and she thinks it looks amazing. After meeting then thats the end of it.

Some advice has been given to date a single mother. Personally i have not found that a single mother is any more likely to be interested than someone without kids. Makes no difference, it widens the dating pool but thats it.

[an0nym0us123]

1 minute ago, QuietRiot said:

Yeah, I'm in shape too. Its funny how peoples go-to response is "lift bro" as a means to attract women. My face is narrow, so I don't have the chiseled or broad jawline that makes one look masculine. 

Exactly is makes little difference especially when older. It did get me a lot of attention having abs and muscles when i was 20 but not at 34. And i dont have a square chiseled jaw either haha

[QuietRiot]

3 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Exactly is makes little difference especially when older. It did get me a lot of attention having abs and muscles when i was 20 but not at 34. And i dont have a square chiseled jaw either haha

Really? At 34? Even that's rather young. Wonder why?

Most women that did date me...the only thing that I had going for me, with them, was the fact they admittedly said they don't care about looks.

Edited June 18, 2020 by QuietRiot

[an0nym0us123]

When i was 20 to 22 i had my own fan club of teenage girls because i was the only one of all the people that partied together that was in shape. Good times haha

I dont think it matters now though. I workout because i like it not to impress anyone

[an0nym0us123]

Also to add i have been on plenty nights out and wedding etc in the past 5 years. Apart from meeting my ex i am ignored by everyone 

[Hopeful30]

On 6/17/2020 at 4:08 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

Often people are advised to lower their standards if they are finding it impossible to meet anyone. Im not sure this is something I would ever do but surely trying to form a relationship with someone you are not attracted to and dont even like is not going to be very fulfilling or healthy? 

If you are unable to date someone who meets what you are looking for, you would be happier single?

Settling doesn't mean being with someone you don't like. It just means you pick the best option from what's available and let go of having the remaining qualities you want. 

[an0nym0us123]

Well unfortunately the best option is so far away from what i would want i dont think its worth it. Ive never developed feelings for someone i wasnt attracted to.

I guess most people can adjust what the want to what they can get. The rest of us get nowhere

[d0nnivain]

Understanding that you don't want to leave your family farm, what are you doing to meet people?   

[an0nym0us123]

Currently nothing due to covid. I had plenty dates from tinder but they just dont go anywhere. 

I tend to believe that if you are seen as a catch you will get attention. If not you will not generate any interest no matter what setting you put yourself in. This has certainly been true in my life. 

Since im not able to date those im not attracted to i think i will be single for a very long time

[d0nnivain]

Once it is again safe to do so, you have to add in person opportunities into your search for a mate. 

As a woman I never had trouble meeting men in person.  When I found myself without a relationship in my late 30s, "everyone" suggested I go on line.  OMG.  It was horrible.  Rejection after rejection.  Screens filled with unacceptable people.  It was awful.  The men I did meet were dreadful.  They were not men I would have given a 2nd look in real life. They had zero social skills but they were well educated & financially stable.   I gave up after 90 days.  I went back to putting myself out there in the situations I recommended to you:  getting involved, attending singles events & volunteering.   Viola I was back to having multiple choices among suitable men.  

So get off the internet & OLD.  

[Content]

On 6/17/2020 at 5:58 AM, salparadise said:

Are these declarative statements with a question mark? Questions and declarative statements are structured differently AND have different punctuation, e.g. "Tom is running." vs. "Is Tom running?"

I wish people would quit using the word settle as if it's an overt action. Everyone compromises except George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and perhaps a few others at the top of the food chain. The difference is that for most it's not conscious decision, it's just water seeking its own level. You send out a signal that you're interested, and they either ignore or reciprocate. If they reciprocate you've got a match and the couple can get it on with entirely positive feeling about the pairing.

However, when someone is never attracted to the people who show interest in them, or if they are always ignored or shot down when they show interest, there is about a 99.9 percent chance that their assessment of their own market value or attraction quotient is inaccurate. We assess where we are on the totem pole through social cues and past experiences. A research project determined that people doing online dating tend to aim too high by about 25 percent. If people would be more realistic, or a bit less ambitious, there would be more matchups.

If you're so far off the mark that you have to consciously "settle" to get a date or a relationship, I'd suggest recalibrating your picker as opposed to settling for someone you're not attracted to. If you can't manage that, then yes, remain single rather than victimizing someone.

Here’s where I disagree with you and the others who have responded.

youre all basically saying /hinting he’s going after women who are too attractive  and insinuating ones market value in dating is simply looks and nothing else and   a better looking  person is automatically of higher value then someone less attractive then them and they’d be settling being with them.

I’ve dated women much more attractive then myself and vice versa I don’t believe you only must get with someone who’s your physical equivalent. That makes dating seem robotic when you never know what two people will have chemistry and a connection and they don’t have to be physical equivalents.

To me too high a standards mean you’re  looking  for someone with no flaws when  everyone is flawed somehow. Nobodies perfect 
 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Content

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Once it is again safe to do so, you have to add in person opportunities into your search for a mate. 

As a woman I never had trouble meeting men in person.  When I found myself without a relationship in my late 30s, "everyone" suggested I go on line.  OMG.  It was horrible.  Rejection after rejection.  Screens filled with unacceptable people.  It was awful.  The men I did meet were dreadful.  They were not men I would have given a 2nd look in real life. They had zero social skills but they were well educated & financially stable.   I gave up after 90 days.  I went back to putting myself out there in the situations I recommended to you:  getting involved, attending singles events & volunteering.   Viola I was back to having multiple choices among suitable men.  

So get off the internet & OLD.  

I've enjoyed my year of OLD but I don't think it's very healthy somehow, it doesn't feel like treating people with respect, when the membership runs out I'm not going to renew it.

 

[Content]

There have been women who were attracted to me who people said were way above my league and women I would never touch who thought I was unattractive so I don’t buy this whole 6’s must only get with 6’s Etc  and only go after your exact physical equivalent 

im not saying an obese man should go after models but most people walking around aren’t models nor are they hideous.

 Im just saying if you’re attracted to someone give it a shot. Just because there better looking  then you doesn’t mean they won’t be attracted to you if you bring other things to the table like charm and personality.

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

34, 5'11". Have been lifting weights since 18, power lifting and fitness training. Currently just over 12 stone.

I generally wear jeans and a nice fitting t shirt which looks pretty good with toned arms. 

I suspect my face is a let down when i meet these women though.

OK, so it doesn't seem like your expectations are unreasonable. 

Dating is a numbers game. 

Confidence is highly attractive. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your face. You're lucky in that generally women are not as hung up on facial looks as men are. 

I used to be pretty insecure, and that affected my results in life and dating, of course. Now that I'm a lot more confident, I naturally attract more interesting people of quality.

Keep the faith!

[Weezy1973]

People don’t settle; it’s such a bad term. 
 

People make choices. If you choose to be single, that’s a choice (not settling). If you choose to date someone, that’s a choice (not settling). There is no settling.

 

If you’re struggling because you don’t like your choices, that’s a problem with your mindset, not a problem with reality. Wishing the world was different than it is will always lead to unhappiness. But that too is a choice. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Weezy1973

[an0nym0us123]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

OK, so it doesn't seem like your expectations are unreasonable. 

Dating is a numbers game. 

Confidence is highly attractive. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your face. You're lucky in that generally women are not as hung up on facial looks as men are. 

I used to be pretty insecure, and that affected my results in life and dating, of course. Now that I'm a lot more confident, I naturally attract more interesting people of quality.

Keep the faith!

A numbers game yes but when its 30 dates that led to nothing but rejection then it is a numbers game where the odds are heavily stacked against you. When you have women faking a reason to leave the date after an hour its pretty hard to "keep the faith"

[Ruby Slippers]

16 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

A numbers game yes but when its 30 dates that led to nothing but rejection then it is a numbers game where the odds are heavily stacked against you. When you have women faking a reason to leave the date after an hour its pretty hard to "keep the faith"

No one said it's easy to keep the faith, but a winner's mentality will take you a lot farther than anything else. 

So you're meeting these women online? Are your photos accurate and up to date? If so, then it's probably not your looks - it's something you're doing or not doing on the date. Maybe it's your conversation skills; maybe you're being too reserved and not showing affection - just some examples of what could be putting women off. 

Do you have any female friends or acquaintances you can ask for some honest feedback? Or have you tried asking any of these dates who rejected you why? Many women won't give a reason, because some guys can react to that with anger and negativity, so they give a generic line: "didn't feel a connection," etc. But if you ask nicely and make it clear you're not going to give her any hassle for being honest, you might be able to get more insight this way.

[d0nnivain]

29 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

A numbers game yes but when its 30 dates that led to nothing but rejection then it is a numbers game where the odds are heavily stacked against you. 

You don't have to tell us but are there any commonalities among the dates?  Did you talk about controversial subjects?  Were you too eager for sex?   Were you rude -- even inadvertently -- to the wait staff?  

[an0nym0us123]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

No one said it's easy to keep the faith, but a winner's mentality will take you a lot farther than anything else. 

So you're meeting these women online? Are your photos accurate and up to date? If so, then it's probably not your looks - it's something you're doing or not doing on the date. Maybe it's your conversation skills; maybe you're being too reserved and not showing affection - just some examples of what could be putting women off. 

Do you have any female friends or acquaintances you can ask for some honest feedback? Or have you tried asking any of these dates who rejected you why? Many women won't give a reason, because some guys can react to that with anger and negativity, so they give a generic line: "didn't feel a connection," etc. But if you ask nicely and make it clear you're not going to give her any hassle for being honest, you might be able to get more insight this way.

My photos are recent but they are the best ones of me i have which is probably leaving these women disappointed after meeting up. Perhaps i should use poorer photos but i doubt i would get many dates but maybe that would be less hassle.

"I didnt feel it" is what the normally say which is code for i didnt like you. Ive never pressed for reasons as i believe thats pretty sad honestly. Many just ghosted or blocked me the next day so not as if i could even ask. 

Im not expecting everyone i like to like me back but when its 0% success i think its time to call it a day.

There were a handful i met that i did not like myself so in the 30 i met its not like they were all suitable for me. 

2 or 3 were actually just looking for casual. They were older by a good bit and had kids and i did not want a relationship. One had an alcohol problem which became apparent. I hung out with them for a few months each just on a casual basis so im not completely wasting my time. They all thought i was hot and good in bed haha