Settling is surely a bad idea?

[an0nym0us123]

Yes i had the same all the time. It often made me wonder who some of these women were getting attention from. Was it handsome men using them for easy sex? 

Edited June 20, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

It often made me wonder who some of these women were getting attention from. Was it handsome men using them for easy sex? 

I guess not, if you were a handsome guy why would you look for "ordinary" looking women to have sex with when better looking girls would no doubt be queuing up.
I guess these ordinary looking women just met ordinary looking guys they were actually attracted to.

[preraph]

Some people have personalities that they are happier having someone in the household and are willing to put up with more to just not be on their own for whatever combination of reasons. 

 

And then you have people who would much rather be on their own, and happily so, than putting up with a jerk or someone they weren't attracted to. 

 

Then you have people who are careless and in the bound to someone for the next 18 years regardless of what they were looking for and I'd say that's a pretty big group of people.

At some point people are going to have to accept the reality that you can put in as much effort as you want looking for that perfect trophy and in 20 years time you'll still end up looking like the couples at Walmart, so I'd suggest everyone gets happy enough with themselves that they can live with themselves because at some point it's going to come down to a choice.

[Content]

2 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Right....there was this real life woman that I know that wanted to set me up with her friend. She gave me a link to her FB profile to get a look, and she turned out to be someone I had seen on PLenty of Fish.

She said she put in a good word and let her friend know that I'd be messaging her. 

Appearance-wise, she had some weight on her...this would normally turn off a thinner man, but she had cute facial expressions and her profile really matched up with with what I liked and believed. I got a feeling we'd have endless conversations about a lot of things based on her profile. She said she is into craft beer, movie buff, and all things Disney. A lot of geeky stuff. I thought I"d be a real shoe in...and equal in looks and other things.

I sent he a message indicating that I was the friend of her friend. INtroducing myself..."Seen..." but no reply. I go, "Hello, you there?"  "Seen" but nothing.

I go back to my friend that set me up, and she goes, "Hm, I'll check with her". She responded dthat she simply wasn't attracted. I thought to myself, "Wow, she isn't much to write home herself".  I thought what harm would it be not to even give it a quick meet n greet. Drinks or whatever, but she wasnt even willing to do that. Was kind of rude that she would just "see" my messages and ignore me...considering that her friend put me in touch with her...so lack of common courtesy there as it wasn't a typical cold approach via an online dating site.

 

That’s why you should go after who you’re attracted to.. 

All these people in here treating attraction and dating robotically and like some mathematical  equation where you find your exact physical equivalent and boom you’re a match is just dumb.

Theres been women who some would say are so called out of my league who were attracted to me and women who were nothing to look at who gave me dirty looks for even striking up a convo with them.

You can’t predict what two people will have chemistry and a connection and end up attracted to each other.

Its not simply about looks matching like most here are pushing for some reason.

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Content

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, Content said:

That’s why you should go after who you’re attracted to.. 

All these people in here treating attraction and dating robotically and like some mathematical  equation where you find your exact physical equivalent and boom you’re a match is just dumb.

Theres been women who some would say are so called out of my league who were attracted to me and women who were nothing to look at who gave me dirty looks for even striking up a convo with them.

You can’t predict what two people will have chemistry and a connection and end up attracted to each other.

Its not simply about looks matching like most here are pushing for some reason.

 

Exactly? I have married couple friends that have wives that are head turners, and the husbands are frumpy George Costanza look-a-likes. Or just frumpy, short guys that aren't much to look at. They've been married for over 20 years!

I know one guy in his mid-50s married to a 30-something belly dancer/model. He is a real nice guy, but...his hygiene is rather a challenge (could smell him and he had noses hairs a mile long). So I'm thinking, if they can snag a woman like that, so can I. lol  

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

I know one guy in his mid-50s married to a 30-something belly dancer/model. He is a real nice guy, but...his hygiene is rather a challenge (could smell him and he had noses hairs a mile long).

She is anosmic. blind, broke and desperate I guess.

[thefooloftheyear]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I guess not, if you were a handsome guy why would you look for "ordinary" looking women to have sex with when better looking girls would no doubt be queuing up.
I guess these ordinary looking women just met ordinary looking guys they were actually attracted to.

They try harder😂

TFY

[CaliforniaGirl]

12 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its pretty much what i was thinking tbh. I dont know why people advise those that struggle to lower their standards because who you fancy is not a choice

People advise it because generally the poster is lonely, may be very one-dimensional (primarily looks) and he has already described that he can't attract the dream woman, so what are people supposed to give as advice?

[CaliforniaGirl]

13 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Yep...after a time of doing online dating, I figured I'd experiment being the more average/appropriately weighted guy...I contacted some obese women to see if I'd even get a response. Still nothing.  I've actually heard from heavy women that they don't want to date thinner men because it's a reminder of how big they are and how they don't want  a man "smaller". It's analogous with height. They don't want to be bigger both vertical AND horizontal.

To be blunt, my guess is that they sensed that you believed you were slumming or lowering your standards to be with them, and they were pretty much "no thanks." A certain tone comes through when a person thinks he's doing someone a favor by lowering himself to go out with her. Any woman (or man) with an eighth of an ounce of self-confidence is going to hard pass on that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

When i had a paid for pof account it would tell you if the message was read. Some of the women i messaged were absolutely nothing special. And would delete my message without even reading it. I wonder what sort of guys they were actually after

 

Somebody who didn't have an attitude of "they were nothing special," would be my guess.

Do you guys hear yourselves?

Do you think that attitude isn't coming through to these girls who are so plain or fat that they should be grateful you even approach them? (That latter part is the hint.)

Edited June 21, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 hours ago, Content said:

That’s why you should go after who you’re attracted to.. 

All these people in here treating attraction and dating robotically and like some mathematical  equation where you find your exact physical equivalent and boom you’re a match is just dumb.

Theres been women who some would say are so called out of my league who were attracted to me and women who were nothing to look at who gave me dirty looks for even striking up a convo with them.

You can’t predict what two people will have chemistry and a connection and end up attracted to each other.

Its not simply about looks matching like most here are pushing for some reason.

 

It is the OP saying he deserves his physical equivalent.

[an0nym0us123]

On 6/21/2020 at 1:17 AM, CaliforniaGirl said:

Somebody who didn't have an attitude of "they were nothing special," would be my guess.

Do you guys hear yourselves?

Do you think that attitude isn't coming through to these girls who are so plain or fat that they should be grateful you even approach them? (That latter part is the hint.)

Haha. Can you tell me how they were picking up on my "attitude" when they were deleting my initial message without even reading it?

Pof would show you "unread deleted" to the messages you sent.

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

On 6/21/2020 at 1:12 AM, CaliforniaGirl said:

To be blunt, my guess is that they sensed that you believed you were slumming or lowering your standards to be with them, and they were pretty much "no thanks." A certain tone comes through when a person thinks he's doing someone a favor by lowering himself to go out with her. Any woman (or man) with an eighth of an ounce of self-confidence is going to hard pass on that.

So if the guy goes after the women he wants he gets rejected because he is not good enough for them. Then he lowers his standards a bit to see if he has more luck but gets rejected for lowering them.

Like seriously?

[basil67]

Of course a man (or woman) will be rejected for lowering their standards.  It's because nobody wants a person who's up on a pedestal of their own making, looking down on others.

[an0nym0us123]

Yes I imagine if Brad Pitt messaged these girls most of them would block or ignore him after 2 or 3 messages.

Thats what i do when an attractive woman messages me first online. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[Roswell91]

On 6/17/2020 at 11:43 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

I think the problem with lowering standards is you just dont wake up one day and decide that you will be attracted to people you were not the day before.

I think if you cant date the type of person who you actually really like, are excited to spend time with and find attractive then you have no choice but to remain single.

 

I think its more sensible to not settle and be happier single.

I suspect a lot of people have settled  though in their lives.

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

So if the guy goes after the women he wants he gets rejected because he is not good enough for them. Then he lowers his standards a bit to see if he has more luck but gets rejected for lowering them.

Like seriously?

I don’t know what you are saying, what you look like, what your profile is or your approach is so I can’t say why all types of women won’t answer you. I’m not sure what answers you’re looking for here.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Then he lowers his standards a bit to see if he has more luck but gets rejected for lowering them.

How do they know you have lowered your standards?

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Yes I imagine if Brad Pitt messaged these girls most of them would block or ignore him after 2 or 3 messages.

Thats what i do when an attractive woman messages me first online. 

Most people are not the extremes of attractiveness. People considered by others to be exceptionally, way out of the ordinary beautiful can just stand there and get propositioned anyway, yes. Is that you? If not, join the club of the vast majority of people. Advice given here is not for unbelievably attractive, well out of the ordinary talented millionaires.

 

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How do they know you have lowered your standards?

It’s not hard to tell when a person thinks he or she is doing you a favor by talking to you. Even the tone is a giveaway. Angry anyone as angry as this OP appears to be will never be in that minority who can trick people in that regard. 

With that said, he’s now claiming that both “his equals” and the unworthy ones are rejecting him without even checking out his profile. Even though other people get dates on OLD.

My guess is that there’s more going on here than we know. Something is up if even those poor ugly things he lowers himself to approach are automatically just deleting his messages.

[an0nym0us123]

32 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don’t know what you are saying, what you look like, what your profile is or your approach is so I can’t say why all types of women won’t answer you. I’m not sure what answers you’re looking for here.

The question is if you cannot form a relationship with the type of person you want what you should do about it. Stay single or date someone who is not what you want

 

[ThaWholigan]

You know, an interesting phenomenon that I've observed on the topic of "settling" as I've gotten a bit wiser is that some people (in my experience, mostly men) are a lot more influenced by their peers than I thought when it comes to the type of women they choose. Not necessarily friends per se, but men within their demographic. There's almost a sort of policing of what is acceptable to be deemed attractive - to be seen with a woman worthy of being attracted to. I feel this definitely plays a subconscious role in who men choose, which is why there's such a steadfast adherence to ones "physical equal" above all else. 

For me, I have expressed genuine sexual attraction to women who have otherwise not fit the conventionally attractive ideal (in one case, I was showing my friend a plus size model I thought was pretty sexy). Immediately, there was this recoil, as if it was impossible I could possibly want to date or f*** such a person. I think the settling argument is so prominent because some men would rather deny any latent sexual attraction they experience to women who aren't "conventionally attractive" to chase a woman closer to their physical ideal. The irony is that beauty in my experience is not the same thing as sex appeal. Some of the sexiest women I've ever met were not the most "beautiful" and some of the most beautiful women I've met in my life didn't inspire as much pure intrigue and arousal as opposed to a more pleasant awe. 

I think a lot of us should unpack our notion of what settling actually is and open our minds more. Doesn't mean lower your standards either - if she doesn't make your bacon sizzle then she doesn't. But if she does but you deny it because she isn't as pretty as your physical equal should be or she's 30 lbs overweight, then you're doing yourself a disservice. So yeah, settling is a bad idea - but the caveat is knowing exactly when you're settling and when you're not. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

The question is if you cannot form a relationship with the type of person you want what you should do about it. Stay single or date someone who is not what you want

 

I’m not sure it’s as binary as that. For a lot of people attraction can build. Although there are certainly people that we find attractive and people we definitely do not, there’s often a large “neutral” group of people where, if there’s compatibility, attraction can grow. 
 

Online dating unfortunately diminishes the potential for these types of relationships because:

1. People are generally just looking at pictures to gauge their attraction level.

2. Online dating gives the illusion of limitless options, which results in people ignoring the “neutrals” as something better is sure to come along.

[an0nym0us123]

TW, I know when i fancy someone or not. Its not like i need to sit down with a list and see if she ticks enough boxes then make a conscious decision to fancy her. I either feel it or i dont.  

Edited June 22, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[an0nym0us123]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

I’m not sure it’s as binary as that. For a lot of people attraction can build. Although there are certainly people that we find attractive and people we definitely do not, there’s often a large “neutral” group of people where, if there’s compatibility, attraction can grow. 
 

Online dating unfortunately diminishes the potential for these types of relationships because:

1. People are generally just looking at pictures to gauge their attraction level.

2. Online dating gives the illusion of limitless options, which results in people ignoring the “neutrals” as something better is sure to come along.

Yes you are right. Attraction built for my ex after we got together. Although when we got together i had just been dumped by someone else. So my mind was not exactly in the right place. But i felt enough attraction that i was happy to to continue dating her until eventually fell in love.

[an0nym0us123]

I feel like some people are branding me as a bad guy because i like women with a nice figure. As if it means i feel entitled to have that. Its not like i am looking for something i do not have my self since i have been fitness training since i was 18. I have no doubt for my age i am a top 5% man from the neck down anyway. 

I dont know why wanting someone fit is anything to do with entitlement?