Settling is surely a bad idea?

[Cookiesandough]

7 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I meant i was the greatest guy on earth when we were together. When she met someone else that soon changed and she was finding fault with everything i was doing to make an excuse to get out. Anyway this is not about that break up that was a long time ago.

Regardless of what it is i cant really do much about it. I dont really want to be putting on an act on on dates, trying to be someone im not. My personality is what it is 

Okay I see, thanks. It may be worth it to reflect on past dating experiences.. She was the type of woman that you want?. So perhaps it is possible to get it

 

Sure, you might not be able to change some fundamental pillars of your  personality, but you can definitely change some behaviors that can greatly  impact your success with dating. I know because I’ve made some personal changes that increased my success at dating exponentially and I know I’m not some crazy anomaly. People can make changes in themselves all throughout their lives 

Edited June 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I meant i was the greatest guy on earth when we were together. When she met someone else that soon changed and she was finding fault with everything i was doing to make an excuse to get out. Anyway this is not about that break up that was a long time ago.

Regardless of what it is i cant really do much about it. I dont really want to be putting on an act on on dates, trying to be someone im not. My personality is what it is 

Then...you weren't. She wouldn't have gone to someone else if she were fully thrilled with you. It's possible that she knew you needed lots of reinforcement so she went overboard on how amazing you were. Women do that. Well...I won't speak for all women. I'm not sure all do. But we're trianed from birth to say nice things and make people happy and make people feel loved.

That's not to say she didn't love you. I'm sure she did. But using that one relationship as proof that it's just women who are your problem, when she's just one person and they're...well, a lot of people, just isn't logical. People stay with other people for a thousand different reasons.

But none of that matters because as you said, none of this is your original question. Your original question was whether peole should settle. You were given some yes answers, some no answers, you agreed with the no answers, you don't want dating advice so now that you have your answer, go forth and be happy and enjoy your life. Or don't, that's up to you, and I don't want to be the one to instigate yet another back-and-forth-and-round-and-round. Good luck.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't think this has been mentioned, if it has apologies, but is there anything on your social media accounts that reflects any sort of past improprieties?  

It just seems weird that you are able to get dates, they seem to like you, then suddenly nothing after that first date?

To add, all this talk about money, career, looks; another poster mentioned this earlier, but for many women, women with substance versus shallowness, it's more about a man's vibe/energy. 

A man's vibe/energy, for many women (which is what genuine chemistry is), trumps everything else - looks, job, physique, teeth, shoes lol, money.

That's why we see so many hot women with average looking guys with modest careers, etc.

I wish I could be there on your dates, but if you're gonna improve anything, improve your vibe.  

Not sure how one goes about doing that, having tons of confidence helps and having a "dance to my own drummer, take no shyt from no one" type of vibe.  

Not in a bullish way, but have a backbone. 

Combined with a gentleness and sensitivity, it's a winning combo!

I am glad least one person sees this because I certainly don't.

 

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Okay I see, thanks. It may be worth it to reflect on past dating experiences.. She was the type of woman that you want?. So perhaps it is possible to get it

 

Sure, you might not be able to change some fundamental pillars of your  personality, but you can definitely change some behaviors that can greatly  impact your success with dating. I know because I’ve made some personal changes that increased my success at dating exponentially and I know I’m not some crazy anomaly. People can make changes in themselves all throughout their lives 

Absolutely true! Very difficult though to change when its hard to determine what people actually want.  My view is endless rejection does more harm than good because the OP never has any answers as to why, there is nothing constructive about it at all.

What one lady likes another might hate so its endless levels of self reflection, for what end goal?

[ZA Dater]

Just now, CaliforniaGirl said:

Then...you weren't. She wouldn't have gone to someone else if she were fully thrilled with you. It's possible that she knew you needed lots of reinforcement so she went overboard on how amazing you were. Women do that. Well...I won't speak for all women. I'm not sure all do. But we're trianed from birth to say nice things and make people happy and make people feel loved.

That's not to say she didn't love you. I'm sure she did. But using that one relationship as proof that it's just women who are your problem, when she's just one person and they're...well, a lot of people, just isn't logical. People stay with other people for a thousand different reasons.

But none of that matters because as you said, none of this is your original question. Your original question was whether peole should settle. You were given some yes answers, some no answers, you agreed with the no answers, you don't want dating advice so now that you have your answer, go forth and be happy and enjoy your life. Or don't, that's up to you, and I don't want to be the one to instigate yet another back-and-forth-and-round-and-round. Good luck.

I learn something everyday.

Having said that I do agree that you may have a point here, very, very likely you are right which if true OP she was actually quite a special person because I don't think many people would actually do that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I learn something everyday.

Having said that I do agree that you may have a point here, very, very likely you are right which if true OP she was actually quite a special person because I don't think many people would actually do that.

Yes, it's true. Before we can even walk we girls have a doll thrown into our hands and are told and shown how to take care of it and how that makes us such good people.

We're then told growing up if we don't take care of our friends and listen to their troubles and make them happy then we're bad people. (When I say "told" in this post I'm not talking necessarily about someone pointing at the little girl and making statements, though that can happen too. I'm speaking in a generally cultural way, still, to this day, just like how still to this day little boys are handed fire trucks and adults take Barbies out of their hands because oh noooo.)

While the boys are boistrous and running around we're told how happy we'll make OTHER people - teachers, adults, fellow students - if we sit down and be quiet.

Every step of the way we're told and shown how much we were born just to make everybody else feel happy and be taken care of. We're basically show that's all we're good for. When women break out of that mold and take care of ourselves instead, or expect to be taken care of too, we're told what entitled bitches we are, ESPECIALLY in the dating world. 

...As for the OP's ex being special. Yes. She was special, and he was fine with lapping that up. But when people tell HIM to be special he digs his heels in because he apparently "shouldn't have to be" special. But...he expects it of the woman...

He claims it was "torture" to keep up a good body but expects her to have a good body and I doubt he's even thinking of her torture.

He expects the woman to be attractive enough that she's in "high demand" but he balks at every single suggestion to make himself a high-demand guy.

Oh, but wait...I forgot! The woman is supposed to be special. The guy is just supposed to stand there and be horny.

Still not seeing any issue here, huh?

But again, it doesn't matter because the decision has been made: it's all about her, not the guy, he WILL be unsuccessful at dating, full stop, there's no reason to change anything at all, men have more chance of winnig the lottery than being attractive to the girl they're shtupping, and there you have it. An answer. At last. We can all go to bed happy now. Or...relieved.

Edited June 27, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[ZA Dater]

16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Yes, it's true. Before we can even walk we girls have a doll thrown into our hands and are told and shown how to take care of it and how that makes us such good people.

We're then told growing up if we don't take care of our friends and listen to their troubles and make them happy then we're bad people. (When I say "told" in this post I'm not talking necessarily about someone pointing at the little girl and making statements, though that can happen too. I'm speaking in a generally cultural way, still, to this day, just like how still to this day little boys are handed fire trucks and adults take Barbies out of their hands because oh noooo.)

While the boys are boistrous and running around we're told how happy we'll make OTHER people - teachers, adults, fellow students - if we sit down and be quiet.

Every step of the way we're told and shown how much we were born just to make everybody else feel happy and be taken care of. We're basically show that's all we're good for. When women break out of that mold and take care of ourselves instead, or expect to be taken care of too, we're told what entitled bitches we are, ESPECIALLY in the dating world. 

...As for the OP's ex being special. Yes. She was special, and he was fine with lapping that up. But when people tell HIM to be special he digs his heels in because he apparently "shouldn't have to be" special. But...he expects it of the woman...

He claims it was "torture" to keep up a good body but expects her to have a good body and I doubt he's even thinking of her torture.

He expects the woman to be attractive enough that she's in "high demand" but he balks at every single suggestion to make himself a high-demand guy.

Oh, but wait...I forgot! The woman is supposed to be special. The guy is just supposed to stand there and be horny.

Still not seeing any issue here, huh?

But again, it doesn't matter because the decision has been made: it's all about her, not the guy, he WILL be unsuccessful at dating, full stop, there's no reason to change anything at all, men have more chance of winnig the lottery than being attractive to the girl they're shtupping, and there you have it. An answer. At last. We can all go to bed happy now. Or...relieved.

I don't think anyone has a definitive answer for dating or how to do it with any assured level of success. We just go out there and do the best we can till either we find what we want of we simply just give up. Or you have enough good experiences to convince yourself the endless bad ones are worth it for the odd good one.

[an0nym0us123]

49 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Yes, it's true. Before we can even walk we girls have a doll thrown into our hands and are told and shown how to take care of it and how that makes us such good people.

We're then told growing up if we don't take care of our friends and listen to their troubles and make them happy then we're bad people. (When I say "told" in this post I'm not talking necessarily about someone pointing at the little girl and making statements, though that can happen too. I'm speaking in a generally cultural way, still, to this day, just like how still to this day little boys are handed fire trucks and adults take Barbies out of their hands because oh noooo.)

While the boys are boistrous and running around we're told how happy we'll make OTHER people - teachers, adults, fellow students - if we sit down and be quiet.

Every step of the way we're told and shown how much we were born just to make everybody else feel happy and be taken care of. We're basically show that's all we're good for. When women break out of that mold and take care of ourselves instead, or expect to be taken care of too, we're told what entitled bitches we are, ESPECIALLY in the dating world. 

...As for the OP's ex being special. Yes. She was special, and he was fine with lapping that up. But when people tell HIM to be special he digs his heels in because he apparently "shouldn't have to be" special. But...he expects it of the woman...

He claims it was "torture" to keep up a good body but expects her to have a good body and I doubt he's even thinking of her torture.

He expects the woman to be attractive enough that she's in "high demand" but he balks at every single suggestion to make himself a high-demand guy.

Oh, but wait...I forgot! The woman is supposed to be special. The guy is just supposed to stand there and be horny.

Still not seeing any issue here, huh?

But again, it doesn't matter because the decision has been made: it's all about her, not the guy, he WILL be unsuccessful at dating, full stop, there's no reason to change anything at all, men have more chance of winnig the lottery than being attractive to the girl they're shtupping, and there you have it. An answer. At last. We can all go to bed happy now. Or...relieved.

Well well you make a lot of assumptions based on nothing. You no nothing about my ex or our relationship and what happened. I brought her up because it seems i am being branded as some sort or weirdo when in fact i have had women fall in love with me for being me.

Yes i can tell you running sub 5% body fat year round requires massive will power and sacrifice .a body does not want to be in that state. Its fairly easy to be in good shape while holding a bit more bodyfat like i am now. I also work 12, 14, 16 hour days 7 days a week and i need energy which you never have when carb depleted. 

I even stated that im not looking for a fitness model. Just someone who is a healthy weight which is not something that requires massive commitment or even exercise.

All you seem to suggest is therapy of some sort, i have not balked at anything apart from this. I had an appointment to see about my teeth but it was cancelled due to covid. I workout as suggested, i wear decent clothes, always get told i smell nice. Im really not sure what i can massively change at this point

 

[basil67]

@an0nym0us123  just a quick question to throw out there:  If I understand correctly, you're not having trouble meeting women.  The problem lies in getting to the second date, yes?    

From this, we can surmise that your appearance is fine.  So of these dates which didn't get to number 2, how did you feel about the women while on the dates?   Were they simply pleasant, or did you think the women were terrific and thought you were getting on well? 

[an0nym0us123]

Not too much trouble getting dates with the pictures i use. However like i say these are the best, best angles and lighting so the possibility arises that they could be disappointed when they see the real me.

So the majority i can have a decent conversation with. Some it feels like we have more to talk about than others. Some do a lot of talking and i listen, others i have to ask more questions.

A few were all over me and we ended up kissing. One faked a reason to get out of there.

I keep coming back to one particular woman which i had 4 dates with. We had tons to talk about. On date 2, which she set up before i even had a chance to, after dinner we went a walk. We were together for hours. we were sitting in the car chatting and laughing for 2 hours. At the end i went in for the kiss and we kissed for half a minute before saying good night. As i was driving home she was messaging me telling me how much fun she had. How she was happy she got a kiss and wished she had gone for one earlier but she was nervous.

I messaged her back and told her dont worry i am going in for the kill next time to which she replied she could not wait. And thats exactly what happened. Moment i got close i pulled her firmly towards me and kissed her and she happily reciprocated.

She was the one woman in my life that i really wanted more than anything. I doubt i will ever feel anything like that again 

 

[basil67]

 I'm sorry it didn't work out with the four date one.  But put it in perspective: You didn't really know her at all.   She could have been a nutter.  Or a perpetual cheater.   It takes many months to get to know if someone is really worth it.   That stuff in the beginning is nothing more than an introduction.

 

On 6/17/2020 at 11:14 PM, an0nym0us123 said:

 "i enjoyed our date and you are really nice but i just didnt feel it". 

This is where I wanted to go with the conversation.   They weren't feeling it.  Did it come as a surprise when they said this, or were you not feeling it either?  

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

...

What one lady likes another might hate so its endless levels of self reflection, for what end goal?

The goal as always is to attract the women you like, figure out the things they like and "lead" with them. 

If you really have none of those things...well that is where you need to get real, not whine and expect the world to hand you a lady on a silver platter...you either work on yourself to have some of those things or you "settle" and go for woman who are attracted to what you have even if they are not at the top of your original list.

All that being said, most of these threads start out with people telling the poster they are way off on what they think woman value the most and the things they want....then we get rounds and rounds of someone who has no experience with women or success with their approach telling everyone what women really want (men and women alike).  It is like reports from another dimension...which may well be true...so change your dimension. 

It's not just about self reflection, that is just a start.  Reflection helps you decide what to change, which could be as simple as changing how you see things, then you need to go out and change.  Sure it may take work (gasp) or a couple tries (what?) or some trial and error (god forbid).  Or one could do the same thing and get the same results.

[an0nym0us123]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

 I'm sorry it didn't work out with the four date one.  But put it in perspective: You didn't really know her at all.   She could have been a nutter.  Or a perpetual cheater.   It takes many months to get to know if someone is really worth it.   That stuff in the beginning is nothing more than an introduction.

 

This is where I wanted to go with the conversation.   They weren't feeling it.  Did it come as a surprise when they said this, or were you not feeling it either?  

Its a bit of a mixed bag really.

For example the one i had 4 dates with i actually did not think there would be a second date, but when i got home i messaged her to say thanks for coming to meet me and i had a great time. To which she replied that is was great!. So we agreed to meet again at the point.

There were a few where i thought things were going pretty good and were having a good time only to be told she wasnt interested, or got ghosted the next day.

There were 2 or 3 mad keen and it was obvious and we kissed on the first date. But it fizzled out in subsequent days.

I really have no idea if there was anything i did wrong, apart from the fact that online and tinder means these women have endless new matches and quickly get bored so move on to the next. Some i dated 2 years ago are still there.

 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its a bit of a mixed bag really.

For example the one i had 4 dates with i actually did not think there would be a second date, but when i got home i messaged her to say thanks for coming to meet me and i had a great time. To which she replied that is was great!. So we agreed to meet again at the point.

There were a few where i thought things were going pretty good and were having a good time only to be told she wasnt interested, or got ghosted the next day.

There were 2 or 3 mad keen and it was obvious and we kissed on the first date. But it fizzled out in subsequent days.

I really have no idea if there was anything i did wrong, apart from the fact that online and tinder means these women have endless new matches and quickly get bored so move on to the next. Some i dated 2 years ago are still there.

 

You have your answer in the bold part I suspect, simply put there was probably nothing more you could have done to captivate them. Though do you think they were looking for a relationship or looking for fun? I still maintain people who struggle are victims to a certain extent of things like Tinder and OLD because neither requires any investment of time, you can sit anywhere and swipe and you can if you are termed valuable have a great variety of choice.

Do you get a lot of good matches? I.e. people you would go on dates with, if you do then part of the battle is actually won. Maybe just invest less in the outcome of the date and simply try enjoy the moment, then if things go bad you at least had a decent date.

[Weezy1973]

@an0nym0us123 it doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing anything wrong. This just is the nature of online dating. You just haven’t found a match yet.

 

I will say with what you’re describing as your work schedule (10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week), it’s hard to imagine you having much time or energy for dating, never mind a relationship. It’s likely harder nowadays to find a woman willing to play second fiddle to their man’s job, which just means you need to be patient.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@an0nym0us123 it doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing anything wrong. This just is the nature of online dating. You just haven’t found a match yet.

 

I will say with what you’re describing as your work schedule (10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week), it’s hard to imagine you having much time or energy for dating, never mind a relationship. It’s likely harder nowadays to find a woman willing to play second fiddle to their man’s job, which just means you need to be patient.

Maybe OP would be better off with an arrangement. At least then he has more choosing power and doesn't need to worry about his work schedule effecting dating as much. My experience of them is they are needlessly expensive but in terms of being able to choose, the level of choice is far superior AND people who wouldn't match me on OLD, well suddenly I am good enough to meet for an arrangement, again tells me plenty about the real core values of dating.

[an0nym0us123]

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@an0nym0us123 it doesn’t sound to me like you’re doing anything wrong. This just is the nature of online dating. You just haven’t found a match yet.

 

I will say with what you’re describing as your work schedule (10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week), it’s hard to imagine you having much time or energy for dating, never mind a relationship. It’s likely harder nowadays to find a woman willing to play second fiddle to their man’s job, which just means you need to be patient.

Ive never failed to have time for relationships in the past. I dont think this is a problem. 

Quite often its the womans schedule that is more full than my own when it comes to setting a date. Most of the time i can work things in 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Ive never failed to have time for relationships in the past. I dont think this is a problem. 

Quite often its the womans schedule that is more full than my own when it comes to setting a date. Most of the time i can work things in 

All I’m saying is a lot of women would want more time than you currently have, based on your work schedule. You’d need a good fit schedule wise. So a woman that’s equally as busy as you, or one that doesn’t want a lot of time spent together. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I will say with what you’re describing as your work schedule (10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week), it’s hard to imagine you having much time or energy for dating, never mind a relationship. It’s likely harder nowadays to find a woman willing to play second fiddle to their man’s job, which just means you need to be patient.

I agree.
Many farmer's wives find they end up as essentially single mothers, so rarely do they see their husbands.
A friend's sister is a farmer's wife and she has just had a baby. She was seriously considering leaving at one point after the baby was born as her husband was always working, he was never there.
She has had to put up with no holidays or holidays always dictated by his work schedule, late nights, early mornings and no quality time together.
She knew what she was getting into as she is from farming stock but it has got worse. She now relies on her own family for any support.
Many women know what farming entails and do not want to go there.

[an0nym0us123]

A no win situation for me i guess. Think ive more or less given up anyway and theres always going to be a reason to get rejected

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

A no win situation for me i guess. Think ive more or less given up anyway and theres always going to be a reason to get rejected

It will just take more time because you have fewer options. Someone who understands the demands of your career and meets all your other requirements is going to be rare. If you want to give up, that’s fine, but if you want a relationship it can happen as long as you’re patient. 
 

 

[an0nym0us123]

Its interesting that men and women are both encouraged to work hard and have a career or business. Then when you do you are told you are not relationship material. 

Plenty people in my generation will never own their own house and will either spend a life time paying of a mortgage or rent. Yet im sitting with my own house that i own and renovated myself and have another much bigger house with spectacular views which i intend to renovate myself over the coming years. So then i will move there and rent the one im in now out.

That coupled with a farm many people would kill to have what i have yet its almost like its a ball and chain round my leg.

 

[Azincourt]

1 minute ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its interesting that men and women are both encouraged to work hard and have a career or business. Then when you do you are told you are not relationship material. 

Plenty people in my generation will never own their own house and will either spend a life time paying of a mortgage or rent. Yet im sitting with my own house that i own and renovated myself and have another much bigger house with spectacular views which i intend to renovate myself over the coming years. So then i will move there and rent the one im in now out.

That coupled with a farm many people would kill to have what i have yet its almost like its a ball and chain round my leg.

 

What do you mean you get told you are not relationship material? Who told you that? 

Do you honestly believe that with billions of women out there in the world being a successful business-owner and owning 2 houses and a farm is somehow keeping you from finding a girlfriend?

[an0nym0us123]

Well as the posters above have pointed out because im so busy for half the year at least, many women are put off because they think i have no time for them

[Azincourt]

58 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Well as the posters above have pointed out because im so busy for half the year at least, many women are put off because they think i have no time for them

Yes, many women are put off because they think you have no time for them, and then there are plenty of women who are busy themselves and are looking for a guy who doesn't expect them to dedicate all of their time to the guy. Those women are out there. It might take time and effort to find them, but you will.

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its interesting that men and women are both encouraged to work hard and have a career or business. Then when you do you are told you are not relationship material. 

Plenty people in my generation will never own their own house and will either spend a life time paying of a mortgage or rent. Yet im sitting with my own house that i own and renovated myself and have another much bigger house with spectacular views which i intend to renovate myself over the coming years. So then i will move there and rent the one im in now out.

That coupled with a farm many people would kill to have what i have yet its almost like its a ball and chain round my leg.

 

What do you mean? Who says if you work hard you're not relationship material?

Do most of the people in relationships that you know NOT have jobs? I'm betting they do.