Settling is surely a bad idea?

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I feel like some people are branding me as a bad guy because i like women with a nice figure. As if it means i feel entitled to have that. Its not like i am looking for something i do not have my self since i have been fitness training since i was 18. I have no doubt for my age i am a top 5% man from the neck down anyway. 

I dont know why wanting someone fit is anything to do with entitlement?

 

I wouldn’t say it’s entitlement, but if you’re only attracted to women who are top 5% from the neck down as well, you’re seriously limiting your options. But someone with a similar view of fitness will likely be compatible as you will share that as a core value, but not being so picky about genetic variables (body shape, breast size, height, skin color etc.) would broaden your options. 

[an0nym0us123]

Im not necessarily looking for a female fitness model type. In fact i dont really find abs on women all that attractive. I also dont like the really skinny look.

Just looking for a normal healthy weight. I find really overweight to be a big turn off for me personally.

Edited June 22, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[d0nnivain]

You get to date women who you find attractive.  To do otherwise is pointless.  

Settling is bad.  Having realistic expectations is good.  All I'm saying is that you need to expand your circle because what you have been doing hasn't worked.  If somebody checks most of your boxes especially the character ones don't automatically write her off because she doesn't fit 1-2 things. 

You need to do some more analysis to find out what is going wrong.  You are getting the 1st dates.  You just can't convert them to a 2nd date.  As the common denominator, you have to figure out what's going wrong & make adjustments.  

[an0nym0us123]

I have spent many an hour trying to figure this out. Why did my ex think the world of me yet so many i meet now are not even remotely interested.

As it happens i actually had a date from real life 2 days ago.

A woman i once hooked up with and have known for years and lives only a couple of miles away contacted me through facebook. We had actually matched on tinder a few months ago but she did not seem interested.

She asked what i was up to etc. Within half a dozen messages i asked her if she wanted to meet for a walk. She said yes and suggested that night was suitable!. We met and went for a walk and ended up kissing at the end and kissing all the way back to the car. We talked for an hour in the car outside her house and she left and said she will see me around. 

Next day i messaged her and she did not seem interested in talking. I suggested meeting again when she was free but she has not replied.

No wonder i am confused

Edited June 22, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

The question is if you cannot form a relationship with the type of person you want what you should do about it. Stay single or date someone who is not what you want

 

Okay, read "Do you just eventually give up?" below, because the poster has exactly the same question as you and sounds exactly like you. I think you'll find hundreds of answers there, literally. I don't know if you saw that thread. It's 38 pages long and the bottom line is, if you refuse every piece of advice anyone gives you then the bottom line is: it's up to you: give up dating, or hire a prostitute. This is assuming the bottom line is, women you're attracted to just won't go out with you, AND you don't want to seek therapy and make other changes to yourself to figure out why you literally can't attract any women at all that you want, who are according to you the same level of attractiveness as you.

We can go around and around and around and around this subject like the other thread started by your doppleganger but we will have NO actual answers since we're just guessing, plus giving standard advice for someone who can't find a date. Beyond that it literally is up to you, we can not change things for you, period.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/18/2020 at 3:39 PM, an0nym0us123 said:

Sadly you have probably hit the nail on the head. I guess if you are not a chad or whatever they are called dont bother turning up.

It may be time to call it a day and just enjoy what is available in life alone. Otherwise just get jerked around 

If this is the one bit of advice given here that you believe in, amid all the other advice, then this is your answer. That's about it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I have spent many an hour trying to figure this out. Why did my ex think the world of me yet so many i meet now are not even remotely interested.

As it happens i actually had a date from real life 2 days ago.

A woman i once hooked up with and have known for years and lives only a couple of miles away contacted me through facebook. We had actually matched on tinder a few months ago but she did not seem interested.

She asked what i was up to etc. Within half a dozen messages i asked her if she wanted to meet for a walk. She said yes and suggested that night was suitable!. We met and went for a walk and ended up kissing at the end and kissing all the way back to the car. We talked for an hour in the car outside her house and she left and said she will see me around. 

Next day i messaged her and she did not seem interested in talking. I suggested meeting again when she was free but she has not replied.

No wonder i am confused

Do you want the truth? You did or said something or your hygiene was bad. I am really sorry. But if she was THAT interested, then you started kissing her and she ended it up with just a talk plus "maybe I'll see you around," something happened ON the date. Not before it with her being too picky, not after it with her finding a hotter guy. ON the date.

Something is putting women off from the get-go, or you are more rarely talking for a bit - not in person - and seeing an attraction but then as soon as you're together the woman isn't interested. We can not possibly tell you whatever that something is. I'll give you the same advice I gave your doppleganger poster and will expect the same pushback or "that can't be it" replies but again...there is literally nothing else anyone here, who can't see you, hear you, etc. can do.

1. Ask a good friend to REALLY tell you what the problem is. Believe me. Your friends know. Somebody is seeing this, if it's literally a constant thing, with all women, all walks of life.

2. Go to therapy. A therapist will (gradually and gently) be more honest.

3. Stop seeing women as stages of attractiveness, good enough or not (for you), and so on. They're whole, complete human beings. Being judged by a guy who's (sorry) no dating stud himself IS going to send women running, pretty much all women. Yes, that attitude is getting through. Women aren't stupid.

 

#2 is the MOST important part of this thread. You need to KNOW what "it" is, and nobody online can ever tell you. Ever. If you want to be happy, and not waste more years, this will be your first step.

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[an0nym0us123]

I had showered, clean clothes, deodorant, aftershave, she said  i smelt nice. Brushed teeth and mouthwash. Exs and fwb have no problem kissing me.

She held my hand all the way back. We talked and kissed. I dont get it

[elaine567]

What do you talk about on your dates?
Are these women the same age as you?
Do you connect with shared experiences, likes and dislikes.
Are you perhaps too passive, too controlling, too quiet, too bolshy, too meek, too arrogant???...
Are you a good listener? Do you have fixed views on things, or little or no views at all?
Is she having to keep up the conversation, fill in the gaps to keep it going, are you?
Is making conversation hard work?
You seem to get dates, so there is something that happens on the date that turns them off.
It is NOT your face. unless all your pics are faceless...

[an0nym0us123]

Its normal casual chat tbh. No silences. I dont see the problem. My ex gf was all over me and im just doing the same thing

[Weezy1973]

40 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I had showered, clean clothes, deodorant, aftershave, she said  i smelt nice. Brushed teeth and mouthwash. Exs and fwb have no problem kissing me.

She held my hand all the way back. We talked and kissed. I dont get it

Be patient, but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You have no idea what’s going on in her life / head and it doesn’t matter. See if you can set up some other dates in the meantime.

Also, stop inferring your value from what other people, and women specifically. Whether they’re interested or not has way more to do with them, than with you. Just have to keep moving forward.

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

Yes im finished with this situation. My efforts go towards my own life not chasing the wind

[an0nym0us123]

Maybe i escalated the situation too fast but ive been in her bed before haha. We were kissing and was touching the outside of her leg. She had her hand under my top then i was feeling her bum. That went on for a few mins she did not seem to mind then she said maybe we should head back. So who knows

Edited June 22, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Maybe i escalated the situation too fast but ive been in her bed before haha. We were kissing and was touching the outside of her leg. She had her hand under my top then i was feeling her bum. That went on for a few mins she did not seem to mind then she said maybe we should head back. So who knows

I don't think you should blame yourself. The women who are telling you it's your hygiene or something else you're doing wrong know even less than about it than you or I. They're basically saying it couldn't possibly be a female behaving irrationally, and I am just as sure that they do, all the time. I have several similar stories, but it's anecdotal and I don't want to jack your thread. Okay... one, briefly, because it is so similar and just happened this week. 

A woman I slept with twice, two years ago, showed up on a dating site and I messaged her and asked how she'd been. She's still single, and proceeded to say that she regrets disappearing on me before... thinks I'm a great guy and she made a mistake. Wants to know if I'd consider giving it another try. Now, to give you the situation, she was very sexually aggressive two years ago––she had gotten tipsy on tequila while traveling with a girlfriend and was sending me explicit messages, saying how horny she was and what she was going to do when we got together. As it turned out she was more submissive in bed, but she delivered what she had promised and then some. Back to the present; after talking about getting together again, she sends me this long message talking about how she felt it was a mistake to sleep with me so soon, and the reason she disappeared was that she was afraid––fear of vulnerability, yada, yada, yada. She ends up asking if I'd be okay with dating but without sex for some period of time (sounded like she was thinking months). Long story short, she messaged a bunch of times trying to sell that sh*t to me like she was a phukking virgin or something (56 years old). Finally I said, "Oh, celibate dating... oh, sure, no problem, I've been wanting to try that too. Let me check my calendar and get back to you." Sheesh! Needless to say, this one is whack-a-doodle-do. Nothing but drama there.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I don't think you should blame yourself. The women who are telling you it's your hygiene or something else you're doing wrong know even less than about it than you or I. They're basically saying it couldn't possibly be a female behaving irrationally, and I am just as sure that they do, all the time. I have several similar stories, but it's anecdotal and I don't want to jack your thread. Okay... one, briefly, because it is so similar and just happened this week. 

A woman I slept with twice, two years ago, showed up on a dating site and I messaged her and asked how she'd been. She's still single, and proceeded to say that she regrets disappearing on me before... thinks I'm a great guy and she made a mistake. Wants to know if I'd consider giving it another try. Now, to give you the situation, she was very sexually aggressive two years ago––she had gotten tipsy on tequila while traveling with a girlfriend and was sending me explicit messages, saying how horny she was and what she was going to do when we got together. As it turned out she was more submissive in bed, but she delivered what she had promised and then some. Back to the present; after talking about getting together again, she sends me this long message talking about how she felt it was a mistake to sleep with me so soon, and the reason she disappeared was that she was afraid––fear of vulnerability, yada, yada, yada. She ends up asking if I'd be okay with dating but without sex for some period of time (sounded like she was thinking months). Long story short, she messaged a bunch of times trying to sell that sh*t to me like she was a phukking virgin or something (56 years old). Finally I said, "Oh, celibate dating... oh, sure, no problem, I've been wanting to try that too. Let me check my calendar and get back to you." Sheesh! Needless to say, this one is whack-a-doodle-do. Nothing but drama there.  

I didn't say it can't be a woman behaving irrationally. The OP is the one saying he can't get any woman to a second date. Are they ALL behaving irrationally?

It is something about the OP, and he needs to figure out what it is. We can't see him. We can't hear him. Only his actual friends, and maybe a therapist can tell him what's probably going on here.

[Cookiesandough]

Xxxx

Edited June 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

4 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its normal casual chat tbh. No silences. I dont see the problem. My ex gf was all over me and im just doing the same thing

What one woman enjoys in terms of 'normal chat' may not be to the taste of another woman.  

 

[basil67]

On 6/19/2020 at 7:04 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

"I didnt feel it" is what the normally say which is code for i didnt like you. Ive never pressed for reasons as i believe thats pretty sad honestly. Many just ghosted or blocked me the next day so not as if i could even ask. 

A friend was recently asked 'why' by a man.  He said something to the effect of "I keep getting the same outcome on dates and I don't know what I'm doing wrong".   She answered tactfully and honestly (the issue was that he was blurting out all his woes and she felt like his therapist) and he thanked her because he could now change his approach.

I don't think his question was sad. I think it was brave.  And even braver that he didn't tell her that her opinion was wrong.   Hopefully he's getting better dates now.

[chillii]

11 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Im not necessarily looking for a female fitness model type. In fact i dont really find abs on women all that attractive. I also dont like the really skinny look.

Just looking for a normal healthy weight. I find really overweight to be a big turn off for me personally.

 

Nothing wrong with that if your in good shape you got every right to expect the same.

But eh , that's only figure that's easy , what about everything else.

 

 

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

Who knows. I spoke to her over a year ago on tinder and she was pretty flirty. When i asked her out she never replied. About 2 months ago we spoke again and she was pretty mute although she initiated the conversation both times.

The message from facebook was a complete surprise, i literally have no idea what she is thinking but i am not hanging around like some orbitor waiting to find out. She wont hear from me again

[QuietRiot]

14 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I had showered, clean clothes, deodorant, aftershave, she said  i smelt nice. Brushed teeth and mouthwash. Exs and fwb have no problem kissing me.

She held my hand all the way back. We talked and kissed. I dont get it

It's nothing you did guy. And don't let people here tell you otherwise...some people are just outright flakes.

[SumGuy]

12 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I didn't say it can't be a woman behaving irrationally. The OP is the one saying he can't get any woman to a second date. Are they ALL behaving irrationally?

It is something about the OP, and he needs to figure out what it is. We can't see him. We can't hear him. Only his actual friends, and maybe a therapist can tell him what's probably going on here.

I'd have to agree if the number of women this has happened with is high enough.  If it is only half a dozen or so, who knows, around a dozen I would question is it me, after two dozen or so it's definitively me.

It could be "you" in a couple of ways, sure it could be how you come across, but it could also be your picker and/or where you are looking...who you pursue, you just may be pursuing women who are not into what you have to offer as a person, your personality, world view, etc.  so they don't connect with you and they only figure that out once they meet you.

It is a conundrum, and good to make sure it is not a thing you can fix and still be you, like the hygiene, not complaining, etc. mentioned. 

[d0nnivain]

Whatever your date's issue turns out to be, it is her issue.  That one probably wasn't about you.  Since you were previously intimate her desire for a walk may have been about Covid loneliness.  Maybe she recently broke up with somebody & kissing you made her realize she wasn't ready.  It could be a million things.  

When I suggested that you are the common denominator, I was trying to help you figure why you have difficulty converting a 1st date to a 2nd date.  With this woman that pattern is continuing but the facts here don't point to you.   

If you do speak to her again at her initiation, after you find out what her issue was perhaps ask her to be brutally honest & critique the date.  You can't defend yourself.  Just listen to what she says.  If you think it's all rubbish so be it but there may be a grain of insight in there.  

[an0nym0us123]

She wasnt interested before the walk and she wasnt interested after it. Why she reached out only she knows. Maybe she was just bored and thought it was more a walk as friends. She seemed keen enough to go. All in the past now

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I'd have to agree if the number of women this has happened with is high enough.  If it is only half a dozen or so, who knows, around a dozen I would question is it me, after two dozen or so it's definitively me.

It could be "you" in a couple of ways, sure it could be how you come across, but it could also be your picker and/or where you are looking...who you pursue, you just may be pursuing women who are not into what you have to offer as a person, your personality, world view, etc.  so they don't connect with you and they only figure that out once they meet you.

It is a conundrum, and good to make sure it is not a thing you can fix and still be you, like the hygiene, not complaining, etc. mentioned. 

This is the thing. A lot of people are "broken," or at least aren't relationship experts. So in general, everyone will run into at least a few people who really are irrational, etc. I agree with that.

But the OP claims it happens so consistently that he's ready to give up on dating entirely. To me that doesn't mean a half-dozen times or whatever. It means something bigger. Most people who want a relationship can get one eventually, or at least get to a second date. The OP claims he's only had one relationship at all, and usually can't get to a first date, and when he does the girl, whomever she is, does a 180 and just won't speak to him anymore. I can't believe that this many women are just all that broken and irrational and messed up, and the OP is fine.