Settling is surely a bad idea?

[CaliforniaGirl]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

What one woman enjoys in terms of 'normal chat' may not be to the taste of another woman.  

 

Okay...but when it's almost all women...all different women...? That's what the OP says.

[an0nym0us123]

58 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

This is the thing. A lot of people are "broken," or at least aren't relationship experts. So in general, everyone will run into at least a few people who really are irrational, etc. I agree with that.

But the OP claims it happens so consistently that he's ready to give up on dating entirely. To me that doesn't mean a half-dozen times or whatever. It means something bigger. Most people who want a relationship can get one eventually, or at least get to a second date. The OP claims he's only had one relationship at all, and usually can't get to a first date, and when he does the girl, whomever she is, does a 180 and just won't speak to him anymore. I can't believe that this many women are just all that broken and irrational and messed up, and the OP is fine.

I have had 2 relationships, one fairly serious and one wasnt so serious. I have had a number of fwb type setups. 2 of those women fell for me so it ended messy. 

I can get a date fairly easily from online. Maybe 1 a month on average. My photos are the best ones which i believe sets me up to be a disappointment. The alternative is to use poor pictures, get less dates but perhaps have less chance of them not liking me in real life.

You may say i have bad hygiene or im doing something wrong but my ex fell for me hook lime and sinker while at the same time had a dozen guys after her. 

I have been on heaps of first dates. Some were keen even after kissing on date one. One even messaged me on her way home to tell me how hot i am. A few days later she just drifted away.

I think the last 8 dates were a complete flop. None of them liked me, so yes I have all but given up. I dont plan to put a lot of effort into it anymore. If she is out there she will have to find me but it appears i am pretty much valueless to most women so i dont see much changing.

I am not lonely or desperate, but its not a nice feeling being worthless. But it is what it is  

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I have had 2 relationships, one fairly serious and one wasnt so serious. I have had a number of fwb type setups. 2 of those women fell for me so it ended messy. 

I can get a date fairly easily from online. Maybe 1 a month on average. My photos are the best ones which i believe sets me up to be a disappointment. The alternative is to use poor pictures, get less dates but perhaps have less chance of them not liking me in real life.

You may say i have bad hygiene or im doing something wrong but my ex fell for me hook lime and sinker while at the same time had a dozen guys after her. 

I have been on heaps of first dates. Some were keen even after kissing on date one. One even messaged me on her way home to tell me how hot i am. A few days later she just drifted away.

I think the last 8 dates were a complete flop. None of them liked me, so yes I have all but given up. I dont plan to put a lot of effort into it anymore. If she is out there she will have to find me but it appears i am pretty much valueless to most women so i dont see much changing.

I am not lonely or desperate, but its not a nice feeling being worthless. But it is what it is  

First of all, I didn't say you "have" bad hygiene. I gave it as *one example* among other possibilities along with the caveat that really, I can't know. Nobody here can. You asked why this is happening. That was just one of dozens of possibilities.

Second of all, you just can't get to that second date...except with that one woman. Just logic says she was the exception, not the rule. Whatever the problem is, it could be as simple as asking a friend to be DEAD honest. It might be the littlest thing that you've overlooked. It could be something specific you're saying that's just coming across the wrong way. It isn't something that makes you a bad person or whatever. On the contrary, you sound like a nice person. BUT SOMETHING is getting in the way of *nearly every single date you have* so you can't get to the second date. Do you want to know what that is or not? Or do you just want to keep blaming women in general or something else?

If you do want to know what "it" is - whatever the problem is - you will never ever find out asking strangers online who can't see or hear you and who have only the experience of you of a few words you've typed.

Something's going on. Do you want to find out or not?

[an0nym0us123]

I dont really think i have blamed women for anything? 

A friend would tell me to lower my standards

[basil67]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Okay...but when it's almost all women...all different women...? That's what the OP says.

OP was saying that he was giving 'normal' conversation much like how he did with his ex and so doesn't understand why it didn't work.   Pointing out that not all women want the same conversation.   Or, following your train of thought.....perhaps the ex was an aberration

[an0nym0us123]

I talked about the same sort of stuff as the women talked to me about. I have been told several times im easy to talk to

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I talked about the same sort of stuff as the women talked to me about. I have been told several times im easy to talk to

And yet you still refuse to ask someone who actually knows you and can actually see and hear you about this.

You're asking strangers who can only see a few words you type.

I'll ask again. Do you or don't you want to know what this problem is? We can never give you that answer here...period. Or are you hoping for another round-and-round 38-page thread?

Sometimes I get the feeling people don't actually want to fix their relationship problems. Maybe out of subconscious fear of relationships, I don't know. You'll see round-and-round questions but never, ever a serious "yes, I'll check this out" answer to anything that could actually help in some way. It's always: Let me keep asking for dozens of pages until somebody tells me something I want to believe even though it's immediately disprovable by real relationships, like "women all want Chads" or "all women are flaky" or whatever.

I wonder if that attitude isn't part of this problem with an inability to develop relationships. Just a thought. There could be a tie-in to the mindset...don't know...again...nobody but somebody who can actually see and hear and spend time with you will know, OP.

[an0nym0us123]

Im not asking for another 38 pages. The point of the thread was to establish if i should date people i dont like that much just because thats all i could get. The answer has basically been no although the thread has drifted off topic where i mentioned a recent date. But im not expecting anyone to figure it out because its not something that can be solved

 

[basil67]

It can be solved.  You just need to be brave enough to ask a couple of women for feedback and absorb the response without arguing.  Yes, it might take a couple of goes to get past the whole 'it's not you, it's me", but the answer is out there.

[an0nym0us123]

I asked one that was pretty into me after date 1 and then just fizzled out. A few weeks later i messaged her and asked what the problem was. She said and i quote "i just didnt miss you so i guess there was nothing there" 

Take from that what you will

[basil67]

So she wasn't able to say what it was.   As I said, you may need to ask more than one person. 

That said, if nobody can come up with something more substantial than this, then the answer is that the conversation between the two of you isn't sufficiently engaging.

[an0nym0us123]

Its normally "i just didnt feel it" "no spark".

Or its all over me for a few days then get blocked or ghosted.

I suspect nothing i have to offer is "sufficient" and i dont really think there is answer. Dating people im not really in to seems a bad idea and not fair. 

The answer is to remain single 

[basil67]

Dating people you're not into is definitely unfair to them.   Just as it would be unfair to you if someone wasn't into you but kept dating you. 

[central]

Most people have to compromise - settle - for somewhat less than they'd ideally want.  However, it may be the very best they can achieve at the time, so it's not a bad thing unless you give up something truly important.  Even the ideal match may not remain so after a few years - or decades; you may settle by staying in a relationship that is no longer ideal, especially if they could do better now.

[elaine567]

IIRC you are now 34, is it possible you are stuck in a time warp?
Your line of banter/conversation was entertaining when you were 20, but not so entertaining now that you are 34...
~ just a thought

[an0nym0us123]

I talk about the same kind of stuff the women talk about. I ask about things in her life. She asks about mine. I tell her about what im up to she does the same. We ask each other about hobbies, interests, places to visit, what we like to eat, what would you like to do in future.

There are no political rants or stupid comments. Im not digging up stuff about my ex gf's or asking about theirs. Im not ranting on about how no one likes me or blaming women for anything.

I dont see an issue.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Im not asking for another 38 pages. The point of the thread was to establish if i should date people i dont like that much just because thats all i could get. The answer has basically been no although the thread has drifted off topic where i mentioned a recent date. But im not expecting anyone to figure it out because its not something that can be solved

 

Yes, it can be solved.

[chillii]

7 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its normally "i just didnt feel it" "no spark".

Or its all over me for a few days then get blocked or ghosted.

I suspect nothing i have to offer is "sufficient" and i dont really think there is answer. Dating people im not really in to seems a bad idea and not fair. 

The answer is to remain single 

 

Or that you just haven't clicked with anyone yet. There are a lot of people round here around that age that have never really clicked with anyone yet. Some think they have but it's clear in what they say nope that wasn't really a click that was just the best you've managed so far.

Can't make it or put it there it wouldn't really matter what you did if it's not. Your pickers probably way of track too and your maybe going for women you wouldn't even have anything with in the first place anyway. A lot of them do that too or for you it could just be as simple as she just hasn't come along yet , will she , don't know. But you also need the picker to spot her when she does, that's another thing l notice many have in common , they just don't know how to spot her.

 

Edited June 24, 2020 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its normally "i just didnt feel it" "no spark".

Or its all over me for a few days then get blocked or ghosted.

I suspect nothing i have to offer is "sufficient" and i dont really think there is answer. Dating people im not really in to seems a bad idea and not fair. 

The answer is to remain single 

I can relate to this.

Ask yourself what those women brought to the table, were they fantastic in any way at all? If you look you will probably find they were not. Frankly dating to me ONLY revolves around superficial elements and nothing else. Nothing I have experienced or seen in 36 years on this planet has suggested anything but that, he with the most who uses it to the best effect wins. Sure, one can win if you "settle" but how many people really win when they are divorced 5 years later?

I am afraid unless one has that extra draw and value and knows how to use it, then whatever you do will be settling to a lesser or greater degree, how much you are willing to accept is up to you.

As someone who has been on probably 80% of dates with people I felt not attraction to, I can tell you dating like that is a waste of time, there is no value to it whatsoever.

Don't make dating life but rather have dating as a tiny portion of life, invest in things which make you happy.

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

IIRC you are now 34, is it possible you are stuck in a time warp?
Your line of banter/conversation was entertaining when you were 20, but not so entertaining now that you are 34...
~ just a thought

Please tell me at what point on a date the lady needs to actually put in some effort and be entertaining? Reading this thread and others by the OP is it apparent he puts in the effort and its is never reciprocated. Or is dating supposed to be the guy running around a obstacle course like a dog while the lady whistles in approval.

[ZA Dater]

6 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Op: It seems to me that you are a decent guy, just maybe not a memorable guy. Maybe you are decent looking, but boring? You have to learn to make women feel something if you want to do well with them. You seem to be getting dates, so you are likely attractive enough for initial interest, but hanging out with you seems to kill that interest. I think the best thing you can do is try to make your dates/conversation more interesting and entertaining. 

I'd agree with this but its also a two way street if these women aren't putting in any effort either then the whole scenario seems pointless. The fact the OP gets dates suggests he has a decent level of attraction BUT again are these women simply cross shopping in the hope they can do a bit better and thus wasting the OP time. Are they hoping he will fall over them and make them feel like some princess.

The reality is women have options so he needs to captivate them somehow or just adopt a different approach completely.

Again I suppose thee are limitations as to how far one can bend over backwards but my suggestion OP is to only do this when it is actually someone you really like.

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

When you are a man in a position to choose between different women, you are free to judge them based on how much they entertain you and then choose accordingly. OP is here asking for advice on why women seem to pass on him, so the answer is obviously not for those women to be more fun. 

I disagree. If they are indifferent and contribute nothing to the conversation and put in no effort he like everyone else is fully justified in judging them and he should do so. For too long its men who are always picked on for putting in no effort yet why should they when nothing is reciprocated. Bottom line is the OP needs to lift himself from the grovelling on the floor to actually look these women straight in the eye and be confident of who he is, irrespective whether they like him or not.

Ultimately everyone has choice, its how those choices are made.

[an0nym0us123]

11 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Op: It seems to me that you are a decent guy, just maybe not a memorable guy. Maybe you are decent looking, but boring? You have to learn to make women feel something if you want to do well with them. You seem to be getting dates, so you are likely attractive enough for initial interest, but hanging out with you seems to kill that interest. I think the best thing you can do is try to make your dates/conversation more interesting and entertaining. 

You are probably right to some extent. I would not really consider my self a charmer, but was obviously good enough to have one persons interest for several dates and a few more for sometime after date 1.

Something i have tried to improve but not that easy. Some women are far easier to talk to than others

 

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I talk about the same kind of stuff the women talk about. I ask about things in her life. She asks about mine. I tell her about what im up to she does the same. We ask each other about hobbies, interests, places to visit, what we like to eat, what would you like to do in future.

There are no political rants or stupid comments. Im not digging up stuff about my ex gf's or asking about theirs. Im not ranting on about how no one likes me or blaming women for anything.

I dont see an issue.

 

The issue probably is what they call "chemistry" which I believe is a load of BS but anyway. What I have observed is all the above can go really well and the outcome is still negative. Why does it go negative, simple really because chances are she has another 20 matches to choose from. Its consumerism, you can do whatever you want but unless you can value yourself higher than those other matches you will always get dropped.

So, go on dates but go with no expectations at all, that mitigates the being dropped part. You clearly have had some success so that's also good because you can tell yourself you can actually accomplish something good.

They seem to want "fun" again I really don't get that or what it is supposed to be but maybe your odds would be better if you try find someone with a lot of things in common which might make the "chemistry" a bit better.

[an0nym0us123]

Nah there is such thing as chemistry, i have felt it, butterflies in the stomach type feelings.

However the women I tend to like are also liked by a lot of other men so you are right in the sense they can just drop me and it is no loss.

I have already decided I am not getting nearly as invested in anyone, and will put efforts into other things rather than chasing women.