Settling is surely a bad idea?

[QuietRiot]

2 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Op: It seems to me that you are a decent guy, just maybe not a memorable guy. Maybe you are decent looking, but boring? You have to learn to make women feel something if you want to do well with them. You seem to be getting dates, so you are likely attractive enough for initial interest, but hanging out with you seems to kill that interest. I think the best thing you can do is try to make your dates/conversation more interesting and entertaining. 

I"m getting sick of the go-to "Maybe you're just boring". As a man, if your'e smart, you'd steer clear of those who bore so easily. Red flag territory there.

[ThaWholigan]

On 6/22/2020 at 7:42 PM, an0nym0us123 said:

TW, I know when i fancy someone or not. Its not like i need to sit down with a list and see if she ticks enough boxes then make a conscious decision to fancy her. I either feel it or i dont.  

In fairness, my statement was general rather than addressed directly to you. IMO people are allowed to like who they want to like. You asked a question to another person - should you date someone you're not into or stay single. The easy answer is obviously to stay single. 

I'm like you, I either feel attraction or I don't, I know immediately if I find someone sexy or not (in person or otherwise). 

[Weezy1973]

@an0nym0us123 chemistry isn’t necessarily the butterflies in the stomach - that’s more nervousness that happens when you’re around someone you’re attracted to. Chemistry is simply “getting” one another. We choose friends based on chemistry too. Some people we get along with and some people we don’t. 
 

In other words you can find someone attractive physically, but not have any chemistry. And you can have chemistry with someone you’re not attracted to. For dating to move onto a relationship there should be both. And when someone vaguely says they’re “not feeling it”, it’s usually one of those two things.

[ThaWholigan]

3 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I"m getting sick of the go-to "Maybe you're just boring". As a man, if your'e smart, you'd steer clear of those who bore so easily. Red flag territory there.

I watched a film (might have been Paid In Full) where the woman says to the guy "you're boring", and he got offended and was like "so why you here with me then?". To which, she replied "Because I'm boring too". 

Find the boring girls 😂

[ZA Dater]

On ‎6‎/‎24‎/‎2020 at 4:49 PM, Weezy1973 said:

@an0nym0us123 chemistry isn’t necessarily the butterflies in the stomach - that’s more nervousness that happens when you’re around someone you’re attracted to. Chemistry is simply “getting” one another. We choose friends based on chemistry too. Some people we get along with and some people we don’t. 
 

In other words you can find someone attractive physically, but not have any chemistry. And you can have chemistry with someone you’re not attracted to. For dating to move onto a relationship there should be both. And when someone vaguely says they’re “not feeling it”, it’s usually one of those two things.

And you are more likely to win the lottery.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

And you are more likely to win the lottery.

Must we all say this again...

If that were true nobody would be hooked up, dating, married, etc., etc.

People DO find attraction plus chemistry plus they manage to get along...

I'm going to say those dreaded words three more times, because for whatever reason they are NEVER heard.

Look. Around. You.

You're creating your own reality by putting blinders on, stating untrue, negative stuff to us and yourself over and over and over again, and refusing to literally see what's in front of you. I'm not saying it's all some esoteric thing but people who fully believe they won't get what they want and that what they want doesn't "exist" - all evidence to the contrary - will 1. act subtly and subconsciously in a thousand ways to make that true even if they do get what they want for a minute, like a date and 2. not recognize an actual opportunity even if it literally steps in front of them and waves a flag.

Just stop telling everyone stuff that isn't true, even if you decide you don't feel like making your own dreams come true. 

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Must we all say this again...

If that were true nobody would be hooked up, dating, married, etc., etc.

People DO find attraction plus chemistry plus they manage to get along...

I'm going to say those dreaded words three more times, because for whatever reason they are NEVER heard.

Look. Around. You.

You're creating your own reality by putting blinders on, stating untrue, negative stuff to us and yourself over and over and over again, and refusing to literally see what's in front of you. I'm not saying it's all some esoteric thing but people who fully believe they won't get what they want and that what they want doesn't "exist" - all evidence to the contrary - will 1. act subtly and subconsciously in a thousand ways to make that true even if they do get what they want for a minute, like a date and 2. not recognize an actual opportunity even if it literally steps in front of them and waves a flag.

Just stop telling everyone stuff that isn't true, even if you decide you don't feel like making your own dreams come true. 

No, its not true it must be a figment of the OP imagination and all MANY other posters like him on this form, its a figment of our imagination. Please.

I am glad its all sweetness and like for you at dating, clearly its not for the OP and people like him so to dismiss his struggles is more indicative of blinkers on your part than his. Sure I look around me, what do I see LOTS of people who SETTLE. That's what I see. You know what else I see, tons and tons of "bought" girlfriends, bought with the allure of success and money over anything else.

Lets be generous, maybe 30% actually land up with their ideal person, the rest either just make do with something or make do with nothing. The OP clearly tries and YET pages are dedicated to pulling the OP apart at the seams because its clearly HIS problem? But is it really? How can it be so? What gets me and this is not directed at you, its easier to blame the OP than to actually conceded that perhaps his dates were simply low quality people to begin with?

If someone is getting dates then surely he cannot be that bad and SURELY you cannot put all the blame at his door.

Are there good people out there for the OP, well I'd like to think so because it would appear he can actually date, he has some allure, some level of attraction and in MY opinion his lack of success is more to do with the women he is meeting and the issues they have.

[chillii]

Maybe , but it still gets back to the picker then ,  women and men like that are pretty easily spotted with a bit of convo or if it's a date site very often through their profile.

And l can't speak for your city but personally l rarely see much of what you describe in couples you see . 95% of what l see around and over years , are just ordinary people and couples . Just two people that met who knows 5 yrs, 10, 30 yrs ago , married at some point for the usual reasons couples do and just living their lives . Of course not all and no one knows what goes on behind closed door but fake or convenience is just like people with issues and that's usually pretty easily picked too.

Edited June 26, 2020 by chillii

[an0nym0us123]

I suspect the majority of people here have not experienced almost universal rejection and i also suspect they would struggle to mentally cope with it if it happened to them.

I have been accused of not engaging these women properly and not talking about the right things even though its the same things as they talk about. That argument falls down with the few women i spoke to prior to date one on the phone, up to 2 hours in one case and she was more that happy to meet in real life. So were the rest i talked to before hand so no im not picking the wrong subjects to talk about. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I suspect the majority of people here have not experienced almost universal rejection and i also suspect they would struggle to mentally cope with it if it happened to them.

I have been accused of not engaging these women properly and not talking about the right things even though its the same things as they talk about. That argument falls down with the few women i spoke to prior to date one on the phone, up to 2 hours in one case and she was more that happy to meet in real life. So were the rest i talked to before hand so no im not picking the wrong subjects to talk about. 

I don't think you picking the wrong people, what I think you are coming up against is the consumer nature of dating, this has been created by things like Tinder and mass market media dating. Simply put there is too much choice for women with a decent high market value, they can pick and choose. Men can try and raise their market value but I can tell you in 8-10 times the only way to do that is simply bow to consumerism itself. You know how many times I have been asked on dating sites: What car do you drive.

How is this even relevant to me as  person? Ask yourself how much of what they ask you is relevant to you as person. I grew up thinking the person themselves was important for dating but I can tell you at the age of 36 that simply isn't true on OLD and even less so apparently in person.

My advice is invest less in these dates, invest in things which can make you happy and which you have more control over. Give them even less attention on dates, the next date I go on, she is actually going to have to put some effort in, if she doesn't well, we will just sit there in silence.

I understand exactly where you come from, there are a few of us here who can relate.

As for people settling. Maybe they don't but I cant say I know many happy couples, in fact the ones I do know are all fighting most of the time and miserable the rest of the time. Of course there are those who get exactly what they want and kudos to them, they seem to live blissfully happy lives.

OP ask yourself this question: Is it really worth it? Then ask yourself this question: How far am I going to compromise and when you have asked those questions, ask another: how do I compete with the guys who do get what I want?

 

[elaine567]

On 6/24/2020 at 9:49 AM, ZA Dater said:

Why does it go negative, simple really because chances are she has another 20 matches to choose from. Its consumerism, you can do whatever you want but unless you can value yourself higher than those other matches you will always get dropped.

But even if she has 20 matches that week then she is not going to date them all, surely?
She is going to  pick out one or two "interesting" ones and go on dates with them and take it from there. 
No woman is going to date complete "no hopers" unless she is lacking in options.  
Of course she is then going to ultimately choose what she considers to be the pick of the bunch, the person she gels best with, why on earth would she not?
Many are looking for long term partners so she is not going to choose Negative Norman, or Dull Dennis or Boring Bill just because he cannot find a date and it is his "turn"...
She wants the  best for herself and that may indeed be Pedestrian Pete as opposed to Hilarious Harry.
 

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

No, its not true it must be a figment of the OP imagination and all MANY other posters like him on this form, its a figment of our imagination. Please.

I am glad its all sweetness and like for you at dating, clearly its not for the OP and people like him so to dismiss his struggles is more indicative of blinkers on your part than his. Sure I look around me, what do I see LOTS of people who SETTLE. That's what I see. You know what else I see, tons and tons of "bought" girlfriends, bought with the allure of success and money over anything else.

Lets be generous, maybe 30% actually land up with their ideal person, the rest either just make do with something or make do with nothing. The OP clearly tries and YET pages are dedicated to pulling the OP apart at the seams because its clearly HIS problem? But is it really? How can it be so? What gets me and this is not directed at you, its easier to blame the OP than to actually conceded that perhaps his dates were simply low quality people to begin with?

If someone is getting dates then surely he cannot be that bad and SURELY you cannot put all the blame at his door.

Are there good people out there for the OP, well I'd like to think so because it would appear he can actually date, he has some allure, some level of attraction and in MY opinion his lack of success is more to do with the women he is meeting and the issues they have.

You stated there is a better chance of winning the lottery than having a relationship with and being attracted to someone. Yes, that IS a figment of your  imagination.

It is not a figment of your imagination that it takes some looking around, it can be years (and usually is) for anyone, and lots of bumps along the way.

It has not by far been sweetness and light for me. You know literally nothing about me. If you did you'd feel horrified for what you just said there.

But I know - and so do you - that way more than 30% of people wind up dating someone, and something like 85% of all people in the U.S. get married at some point.  I didn't know South Africa stats so I Googled and within a half a second the results came up. The study I read is from 2016 and is on stattsa dot gov dot za. A lower number of blacks than whites are married in SA and a high percentage of whites have been married, FWIW, so the total number is lower than the U.S.. However, non-marrieds aren't necessarily single. A very high percentage of any group in SA is at least dating. So I KNOW you look around and see plenty of people who are together, yet you still make comments about how incredibly rare it is for anyone to hook up.

Even if it were 30% (it's not), that's way, way, way, way, way over the average of winning the lottery, and it by no means would mean getting married was only for unicorn ultra-rare people.

I refuse to let you eat up another 38 pages on your and my back-and-forth, so I'll leave it at this and you can ignore at will: there is something going on that you need to figure out and NOT on the internet. You NEED to find a qualified therapist not just to unravel what the issue could be, but to find some perspective as far as your insistence that almost nobody can ever find and be attrracted to a partner. 

I know, I know. "Nah, I've decided never to date." Followed by 37.9 pages of "but...."

For many people, their standards are not too high. So just throwing that comment out there to anyone is dumb and frustrating, I agree. But a percentage DO have standards that are too high and are formed to be such a way that the person is practically guaranteed to fail. You know it and I know it and so does everyone here. That percentage DOES exist. Stop telling other people who are seeking relationships that it's never going to happen and everybody's going to have to settle for someone they're not attracted to. Most people manage it. If they don't they need to look into why. And they need to not look into it on the internet because nobody can see them, hear them. Only someone up close can do that.

Now. Do some, a lot, of people struggle to find mates? YES. There's no doubt about that. They did even when I was dating. Today, people have way more options for survival and for social acceptance so no, they're not as eager to just marry anyone who comes close to acceptable. That's true. They do NOT therefore wind up with mates they're not horny for and don't get along with as the general rule. That's not true. We have so many options today for what we want to do with our lives that we do sometimes have a time period, even years, even decades where we go from person to person, never feeling like we found "the best" person. You know that's true.

Some people unable to find love can get help on message boards like these. That's why the boards exist. A handful utilize the ideas that are given to them because they requested the help. A bunch don't and post over and over again wherever they can how only the ugliest possible mates ever want them. And then refuse to find out, first-hand, from friends or a therapist, what's wrong. Will THEY ever find love? Almost definitely not.

That's it. That's it for you, and that's it for the OP. Neither of you wants to entertain any ideas outside of your paradigm, and that's why it's it for both of you. The only answer. Find someone in your actual hands-on direct world to help, and if it's a professional that's your best bet.

But stop spreading this "it's impossible to ever find anyone you want, you'll have to settle by 'my definition' - not even wanting to touch the person." Because nope. Full stop nope.

Enough of this ridiculousness.

Edited June 26, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[ZA Dater]

28 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You stated there is a better chance of winning the lottery than having a relationship with and being attracted to someone. Yes, that IS a figment of your  imagination.

It is not a figment of your imagination that it takes some looking around, it can be years (and usually is) for anyone, and lots of bumps along the way.

It has not by far been sweetness and light for me. You know literally nothing about me. If you did you'd feel horrified for what you just said there.

But I know - and so do you - that way more than 30% of people wind up dating someone, and something like 85% of all people in the U.S. get married at some point.  I didn't know South Africa stats so I Googled and within a half a second the results came up. The study I read is from 2016 and is on stattsa dot gov dot za. A lower number of blacks than whites are married in SA and a high percentage of whites have been married, FWIW, so the total number is lower than the U.S.. However, non-marrieds aren't necessarily single. A very high percentage of any group in SA is at least dating. So I KNOW you look around and see plenty of people who are together, yet you still make comments about how incredibly rare it is for anyone to hook up.

Even if it were 30% (it's not), that's way, way, way, way, way over the average of winning the lottery, and it by no means would mean getting married was only for unicorn ultra-rare people.

I refuse to let you eat up another 38 pages on your and my back-and-forth, so I'll leave it at this and you can ignore at will: there is something going on that you need to figure out and NOT on the internet. You NEED to find a qualified therapist not just to unravel what the issue could be, but to find some perspective as far as your insistence that almost nobody can ever find and be attrracted to a partner. 

I know, I know. "Nah, I've decided never to date." Followed by 37.9 pages of "but...."

For many people, their standards are not too high. So just throwing that comment out there to anyone is dumb and frustrating, I agree. But a percentage DO have standards that are too high and are formed to be such a way that the person is practically guaranteed to fail. You know it and I know it and so does everyone here. That percentage DOES exist. Stop telling other people who are seeking relationships that it's never going to happen and everybody's going to have to settle for someone they're not attracted to. Most people manage it. If they don't they need to look into why. And they need to not look into it on the internet because nobody can see them, hear them. Only someone up close can do that.

Now. Do some, a lot, of people struggle to find mates? YES. There's no doubt about that. They did even when I was dating. Today, people have way more options for survival and for social acceptance so no, they're not as eager to just marry anyone who comes close to acceptable. That's true. They do NOT therefore wind up with mates they're not horny for and don't get along with as the general rule. That's not true. We have so many options today for what we want to do with our lives that we do sometimes have a time period, even years, even decades where we go from person to person, never feeling like we found "the best" person. You know that's true.

Some people unable to find love can get help on message boards like these. That's why the boards exist. A handful utilize the ideas that are given to them because they requested the help. A bunch don't and post over and over again wherever they can how only the ugliest possible mates ever want them. And then refuse to find out, first-hand, from friends or a therapist, what's wrong. Will THEY ever find love? Almost definitely not.

That's it. That's it for you, and that's it for the OP. Neither of you wants to entertain any ideas outside of your paradigm, and that's why it's it for both of you. The only answer. Find someone in your actual hands-on direct world to help, and if it's a professional that's your best bet.

But stop spreading this "it's impossible to ever find anyone you want, you'll have to settle by 'my definition' - not even wanting to touch the person." Because nope. Full stop nope.

Enough of this ridiculousness.

Forget about me and look at the OP shall we. He goes on dates, apparently communicates well, is getting dates, speaks to someone for two hours on the phone and still get rejected. Are you seriously telling me that ALL the blame lies with him? I think not. Years and lot of bumps you say, well the OP has been here for years and been trying to date for years, so what is his reason seeing as you apparently know what mine is? Why has he not had ANY positive relationships, again I suppose its all his fault?

As for my comments, I did not anywhere state anything about "hooking up" go out to a bar, throw enough money around, drink like there is no tomorrow, behave like some alpha idiot and provided you are relatively decent looking I am sure it would be possible to hook up. I am actually talking about dating not hooking up, actually having some sort of partnership with someone. In fact I know someone who is very good at this, he has the charm of a salesperson and a cast iron liver. But then again we know ladies want this sort of 'fun" so am I surprised, not really.

Again you misconstrue what I am saying, look at the divorce rates, if SO many people were not settling then why are they so high? That's why I say settling is a complete waste of time  and I know enough unhappy people who did exactly that. You say most people manage mutual wow levels of attraction , I disagree again the divorce rate seems to support my disagreement. If everything is so fantastic then why divorce.

I agree people need to look into why but you fail to concede the why can have nothing to do with them as people. Again the OP has dates, he meets people, you cannot tell me its ALL him, you cannot tell me the women he is meeting don't have ridiculous ideas created by mass media or consumerism dating as a method of dating, its a nice way of saying throw away dating.

You do concede a point "mates they are horny for" at least this acknowledge the VITAL part of physical appearance and frankly I would agree with you, it DOES matter but again the OP based on what he says here is fit so we cannot again say this is his issue. Sure utilise idea, the OP again has made mention over and over of using the advice obtained here but YOU refuse to accept the results are not the results you had or others you know had. Apparently you subscribe to the one solution fits all idea. Which brings me to your favourite piece of advice, therapists and dating coaches, I have seen the former and known the latter and frankly if I take my car to a performance shop I want to see what cars they actually run and whether they do the times the say, the same is true of the latter, who are they dating, what is their relationship history and guess what it all falls to pieces when you start asking those sort of questions and one then gets referred to more "One solutions fits all ideas". Therapists aren't going to help you meet people.

As for the bold, what tripe, really. you basically just say you disagree with whatever you cannot relate to and then go one further and question the validity of what people experience. Because only the ugliest people find them attractive, well the answer is simple those people are just ugly I guess in the eyes of a superficial world but at least you admitted that to be the case.

Its only ridiculous to you because you cannot relate. You fail to understand the OP does try but you automatically decide that there must be something wrong with him because he has no success. Its not a one way street.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Forget about me and look at the OP shall we. He goes on dates, apparently communicates well, is getting dates, speaks to someone for two hours on the phone and still get rejected. Are you seriously telling me that ALL the blame lies with him? I think not. Years and lot of bumps you say, well the OP has been here for years and been trying to date for years, so what is his reason seeing as you apparently know what mine is? Why has he not had ANY positive relationships, again I suppose its all his fault?

As for my comments, I did not anywhere state anything about "hooking up" go out to a bar, throw enough money around, drink like there is no tomorrow, behave like some alpha idiot and provided you are relatively decent looking I am sure it would be possible to hook up. I am actually talking about dating not hooking up, actually having some sort of partnership with someone. In fact I know someone who is very good at this, he has the charm of a salesperson and a cast iron liver. But then again we know ladies want this sort of 'fun" so am I surprised, not really.

Again you misconstrue what I am saying, look at the divorce rates, if SO many people were not settling then why are they so high? That's why I say settling is a complete waste of time  and I know enough unhappy people who did exactly that. You say most people manage mutual wow levels of attraction , I disagree again the divorce rate seems to support my disagreement. If everything is so fantastic then why divorce.

I agree people need to look into why but you fail to concede the why can have nothing to do with them as people. Again the OP has dates, he meets people, you cannot tell me its ALL him, you cannot tell me the women he is meeting don't have ridiculous ideas created by mass media or consumerism dating as a method of dating, its a nice way of saying throw away dating.

You do concede a point "mates they are horny for" at least this acknowledge the VITAL part of physical appearance and frankly I would agree with you, it DOES matter but again the OP based on what he says here is fit so we cannot again say this is his issue. Sure utilise idea, the OP again has made mention over and over of using the advice obtained here but YOU refuse to accept the results are not the results you had or others you know had. Apparently you subscribe to the one solution fits all idea. Which brings me to your favourite piece of advice, therapists and dating coaches, I have seen the former and known the latter and frankly if I take my car to a performance shop I want to see what cars they actually run and whether they do the times the say, the same is true of the latter, who are they dating, what is their relationship history and guess what it all falls to pieces when you start asking those sort of questions and one then gets referred to more "One solutions fits all ideas". Therapists aren't going to help you meet people.

As for the bold, what tripe, really. you basically just say you disagree with whatever you cannot relate to and then go one further and question the validity of what people experience. Because only the ugliest people find them attractive, well the answer is simple those people are just ugly I guess in the eyes of a superficial world but at least you admitted that to be the case.

Its only ridiculous to you because you cannot relate. You fail to understand the OP does try but you automatically decide that there must be something wrong with him because he has no success. Its not a one way street.

I didn't say hooking up as drinking or alpha males or anything like that. I meant connecting but not necessarily married. Just stop.

Yes, I AM saying there's something going on personal to the OP if every single date he goes on except two in his entire life, which he says were relationships, have the person wanting to see him, then doing a complete 180 and not wanting a second date. Of course I am. 

Just stop with this. Yes, if the common denominator is me I'll look into...me. I did, when I was first dating and got nothing but awful treatment. And not by "alpha males" either. Who was the common denominator?

The OP can look into this PERSONALLY, with someone who can see and hear him and know what's going on in his head. Someone in his non-online world. A therapist is his best bet because friends might not want to tell him what's going on. 

You twist all my words around to fit your paradigm. Just stop. Unless you want to keep having the same thing happen over and over again. Like the OP.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But even if she has 20 matches that week then she is not going to date them all, surely?
She is going to  pick out one or two "interesting" ones and go on dates with them and take it from there. 
No woman is going to date complete "no hopers" unless she is lacking in options.  
Of course she is then going to ultimately choose what she considers to be the pick of the bunch, the person she gels best with, why on earth would she not?
Many are looking for long term partners so she is not going to choose Negative Norman, or Dull Dennis or Boring Bill just because he cannot find a date and it is his "turn"...
She wants the  best for herself and that may indeed be Pedestrian Pete as opposed to Hilarious Harry.
 

Again my point is proven. The OP can be the best he can and can be still get nowhere. What you also prove here is he DOESNT get to choose, this we know already but thanks for actually acknowledging that. What I have read about the OP he appears to be a stable hard working guy so NORMALLY one would think he would be considered a catch. SO lets try understand why he isn't, well because MISS so and so can choose to date anyone she wants because her value is high so his options are

1: Don't bother

2: Grovel at her feet in the hope she likes that

3: Throw resources at the problem try and out spend the competitors

SO what is the "pick of the bunch" and why doesn't the OP ever make that pick? I'd suggest 2 and 3 above are probably why. "Best" I'd argue best has NOTHING to do with the person at all barring how they look, how much money they have, if she wants to sleep with him and what he can "offer" her. "Best" is seemingly never defined as smart, its never defined as honest, its never defined as caring, its never defined as loyal, or maybe it its but lets be honest these qualities are never likely to come out of ahead "wow he is hot", "wow he can give me this and that".

Again I will say it, OP seems stable and I would say he is a "good" guy so in most rational ways he should enjoy more success and not constant rejection.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I didn't say hooking up as drinking or alpha males or anything like that. I meant connecting but not necessarily married. Just stop.

Yes, I AM saying there's something going on personal to the OP if every single date he goes on except two in his entire life, which he says were relationships, have the person wanting to see him, then doing a complete 180 and not wanting a second date. Of course I am. 

Just stop with this. Yes, if the common denominator is me I'll look into...me. I did, when I was first dating and got nothing but awful treatment. And not by "alpha males" either. Who was the common denominator?

The OP can look into this PERSONALLY, with someone who can see and hear him and know what's going on in his head. Someone in his non-online world. A therapist is his best bet because friends might not want to tell him what's going on. 

You twist all my words around to fit your paradigm. Just stop. Unless you want to keep having the same thing happen over and over again. Like the OP.

I couldn't care less about me to be quite honest. My race is run at dating, I have just conceded the ugly face I was born with represents an impediment I cannot overcome.

 Again you CANNOT say its the OP issue alone, it could very well be the fact the women he keeps meeting have so many options he simply isn't a viable one for them but then ask yourself this, why isn't he viable, why are they not looking at him as being viable? A person cannot do a 180 degree turn personality wise, in fact those who can are likely bi polar so the value of therapy is zero in my opinion, FYI I have been to some earlier in life and found their advice about as helpful as a tin of white paint when attempting to cook a steak.

I'd wager there are millions of people like the OP, you cannot tell me there is something wrong with all of them?  Its just easy now for women to throw men away like trash because provided they themselves are in reasonable shape they get to choose.

The cycle for the OP will NEVER go away unless he finds some success, being rejected over and over is not healthy nor is it good and yes we can all try be the best we can be but when you get kicked and kicked again for being the person you are then you need to wonder if its in fact your problem or a problem created by the likes of Tinder et al. A better question to ask is what are the expectations of these women and WHO creates them, the mass media, their friends, their family, how are these expectations ingrained?

I'd love to date some model but I am not stupid enough to believe I actually could but I like the idea of hooking up with one. That's the problem here I think, these women meet the OP full of ideas generated by external sources and simply don't take him on face value, we ALL do this to lesser and greater degrees, I am as guilty as anyone else BUT I also do try see the merits in the particular person. Why is the OP being thrown away, expecting him to behave any other way than become more bitter as a result ignores the feeling being rejected over and over generates, no therapist can actually take that feeling away or rationalise it never mind turn it into anything positive.

[Weezy1973]

@ZA Dater approximately 70% of first marriages last for life. Most people are in relationships. Your ideas on this are wrong. 
 

Second if it IS market based, then the OP is priced out of the market. The women he wants are too expensive for him. If the two of you want to fight reality have at it, but it just comes down to not being able to have what you want. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I couldn't care less about me to be quite honest. My race is run at dating, I have just conceded the ugly face I was born with represents an impediment I cannot overcome.

 Again you CANNOT say its the OP issue alone, it could very well be the fact the women he keeps meeting have so many options he simply isn't a viable one for them but then ask yourself this, why isn't he viable, why are they not looking at him as being viable? A person cannot do a 180 degree turn personality wise, in fact those who can are likely bi polar so the value of therapy is zero in my opinion, FYI I have been to some earlier in life and found their advice about as helpful as a tin of white paint when attempting to cook a steak.

I'd wager there are millions of people like the OP, you cannot tell me there is something wrong with all of them?  Its just easy now for women to throw men away like trash because provided they themselves are in reasonable shape they get to choose.

The cycle for the OP will NEVER go away unless he finds some success, being rejected over and over is not healthy nor is it good and yes we can all try be the best we can be but when you get kicked and kicked again for being the person you are then you need to wonder if its in fact your problem or a problem created by the likes of Tinder et al. A better question to ask is what are the expectations of these women and WHO creates them, the mass media, their friends, their family, how are these expectations ingrained?

I'd love to date some model but I am not stupid enough to believe I actually could but I like the idea of hooking up with one. That's the problem here I think, these women meet the OP full of ideas generated by external sources and simply don't take him on face value, we ALL do this to lesser and greater degrees, I am as guilty as anyone else BUT I also do try see the merits in the particular person. Why is the OP being thrown away, expecting him to behave any other way than become more bitter as a result ignores the feeling being rejected over and over generates, no therapist can actually take that feeling away or rationalise it never mind turn it into anything positive.

Deliberate ignorance of every single thing I posted. Good luck in the future and I hope everything works out for you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater approximately 70% of first marriages last for life. Most people are in relationships. Your ideas on this are wrong. 
 

Second if it IS market based, then the OP is priced out of the market. The women he wants are too expensive for him. If the two of you want to fight reality have at it, but it just comes down to not being able to have what you want. 

Please for the love of God don't get him started.

He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to fix it.

Page 38 here we come. Everybody strap in, it's going to be a long ride.

[elaine567]

ZA Dater
Yes the OP seems like a nice hard working fairly rich guy who is not bad looking and takes good care of himself.
Perfect for all these gold digging women, obsessed with looks... surely?
Saying that, I can think of many decent women who be be interested.
 
BUT there is something about him that causes these women's eyes to glaze over and then they discount him as a viable prospect.
In the same way women basically do the same thing with you.
There is something lacking or there is something that is actively turning them off.
No woman seems to have any curiosity even to take things to the next step and go on a second date.
It is a hard no.
That is why this is beyond a few tips and tricks to spark some interest, this is why so many here have suggested therapy or a dating coach.
Someone to point out iRL where it is all going so wrong.

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

The only answer. Find someone in your actual hands-on direct world to help, and if it's a professional that's your best bet

Yes this ^^^

[an0nym0us123]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater approximately 70% of first marriages last for life. Most people are in relationships. Your ideas on this are wrong. 
 

Second if it IS market based, then the OP is priced out of the market. The women he wants are too expensive for him. If the two of you want to fight reality have at it, but it just comes down to not being able to have what you want. 

Yes thats about it in a nut shell. There is no way round it but to run down the clock until the end. At that point everyone is in the same boat. 

I think settling for someone, and marrying someone you have no feelings for is a bad idea and best to remain on your own

Edited June 26, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[an0nym0us123]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

ZA Dater
Yes the OP seems like a nice hard working fairly rich guy who is not bad looking and takes good care of himself.
Perfect for all these gold digging women, obsessed with looks... surely?
Saying that, I can think of many decent women who be be interested.
 
BUT there is something about him that causes these women's eyes to glaze over and then they discount him as a viable prospect.
In the same way women basically do the same thing with you.
There is something lacking or there is something that is actively turning them off.
No woman seems to have any curiosity even to take things to the next step and go on a second date.
It is a hard no.
That is why this is beyond a few tips and tricks to spark some interest, this is why so many here have suggested therapy or a dating coach.
Someone to point out iRL where it is all going so wrong.

Yes this ^^^

1 went on several dates with me, a few seemed keen after date one but disappeared. 2 fwb fell for me one needed blocked. I am not completely undateble but for the kind of woman i like they have other options.

We have established that dating people we are not attracted to is not a good idea. So theres are really no options available

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I suspect the majority of people here have not experienced almost universal rejection and i also suspect they would struggle to mentally cope with it if it happened to them.

I have been accused of not engaging these women properly and not talking about the right things even though its the same things as they talk about. That argument falls down with the few women i spoke to prior to date one on the phone, up to 2 hours in one case and she was more that happy to meet in real life. So were the rest i talked to before hand so no im not picking the wrong subjects to talk about. 

Yes, it would hurt.

Nobody “accused” you of anything. You ASKED for help so we gave suggestions of what it COULD be, for anyone, because we don’t know you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

1 went on several dates with me, a few seemed keen after date one but disappeared. 2 fwb fell for me one needed blocked. I am not completely undateble but for the kind of woman i like they have other options.

We have established that dating people we are not attracted to is not a good idea. So theres are really no options available

 

So, this seems different from what you originally said,

[thefooloftheyear]

What people think is settling is no more than waking up to reality.....

Some settle for the Toyota,  because they have a choice to get the BMW but If all its going to do is sit at the train station, it doesn't make any sense.., In these cases its the Toyota because they realized they  just can't afford the BMW...they just don't want to come to grips with it, and accept it for what it is.....

TFY

Edited June 27, 2020 by thefooloftheyear