Should I drop a friend with mental health issues?

[Confoosedgal]

Hello,

so I was best friends with this girl who I’ll call Annie for a full year. She has chronic pain issues and borderline personality disorder and suffers from mood swings. 

because of these mood swings and this REALLY INSULTING thing she told me I distanced myself from her. I misunderstood something and she had said, “Wow, I thought you were smart I’m surprised you even made it college. SMH, no wonder the professors never call on you with such stupid things coming out of your stupid mouth.”

it came off EXTREMELY passive aggressive and rude. When I told her that she simply called me too sensitive. So I distanced myself from her cuz she kept insulting me after that happened.

bexauwe she’s a housewife with no kids or job or goals, she has a ton of free time on her hands. So when I have problems or need support or company she’s ALWAYS RELIABLE, never flakes, and is extremely loyal. So she’s there when I need her. So naturally I’ve eventually gone back to her for friendship and company.

75% of the time she’s kind and supportive. And the rest of the time she’ll say things that are rude and uncalled for. Like I’m a creative writing major working on a fiction novel for young adults. Last time when I told her I was focusing on my writing for the summer she said, “I’m not saying things will go south for you, but I pray for you everyday so that you find a husband to take care of you, when things DO go south, because that’s what’s really important.”

it was a weird response that I ignored. Then I had a short story published that I promoted on social media. it was a FICTION PIECE about sexual assault. 
And she responded with, “Wow, so you talk about having a passion for writing and this is what you’re passionate about? Basically condoning sexual assault? Glad I’m not a writer.”

I proceeded to defend my work which didn’t do anything. 
the last thing she told me about my writing was, “All writers are just doing it to become rich and famous because they’re dying for attention. They’ve never had hard lives so they make up hard lives in their writing. I feel so sorry for them.”

I know that comment was directed at me because she doesn’t know ANY OTHER writers. 

so she ONLY ever attacks my writing and my stories, but nothing else. I know she’s weirdly jealous and feels resentment towards it for whatever reason. but now she’s been doing it on a weekly basis. 
 

So I’m wondering whether I should dump her as a friend because of these comments or be straight out and hope she changes?? What do y’all think?

[rjc149]

Expect more of the same from her. Whether you can tolerate it or not, is up to you. If you can't, dump her. Don't make some elaborate speech. Just stop agreeing to meet up and hang out. 

Having compassion for someone's mood disorder does not mean you need to deal with it. 

Personally, I won't associate with people who make me feel uncomfortable or angry. Regardless of whether there's a legitimate reason behind it. It's not my responsibility in life to be friends with moody or depressed people. I want positive, upbeat, easy-going, and encouraging people in my life. Nothing less. 

[d0nnivain]

If you are going to stay friends with her, you have to have a thick skin.  You will need one as a writer anyway.  

Let the garbage roll off your back.  Chalk it up to her being her & put no stock in it.  Take the good stuff she can give & don't make this friendship the center of your life.  If she is now your "best friend" get a new best friend.  You don't have to drop her completely if you don't want to but boundaries are critically important.  

Edited June 17, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Confoosedgal]

so do you guys think i should attempt to confront her first before dropping her?

We are NOT best friends anymore like we used to be, we are simply regular friends lol. And I have other friends but she’s the most reliable because she doesn’t have a job or school and she’s always willing to hang out. So that’s always nice. 

And it’s not so much that she’s insulting my chosen career path, it’s the fact that she’ll also go out of her way to do it, completely unprovoked. When I had an article published a few months ago and I promoted that one, she sent me a message the very next night saying. 

“Ugh, writers are such lazy, attention seekers. ANYONE can write, it doesn’t make you special.”

natueally I asked, “Are you talking about me and the article I just published or...?”

she responds with, “What? You got something published? I’ve been so busy I didn’t even see that! I just mean writers in general.”

so it’s weird Passive aggressive sh*** like that. 
And when we WERE best friends all through 2018 to half of 2019, she would have these really wild, unpredictable mood swings I couldn’t handle. 

for example, she had locked herself in the restroom 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave for MY birthday event. She was crying and saying she was too depressed to leave and I needed to console her. Or another time she threatened to kill herself and when I got to her house she went, “Oh I wasn’t being serious I’m surprised you came.”

she hasn’t had mood swings in the last year since I’ve distanced myself howveee now she just purely insults my writing lol. 

[d0nnivain]

Do not confront her.  Just pull back . . .way back.  

[salparadise]

18 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

So do you guys think i should attempt to confront her first before dropping her?

No I wouldn't confront her. I will just excite/enrage her and there will be lots of drama as a result. If it were me I'd do a soft ghosting to try and keep it civil.

At first I was going to say that you should try to be tolerant while setting good boundaries, but attacking your profession in this way is over-the-top and unacceptable even taking her personality disorder into consideration. I was married to a high-functioning BPD, and later served in a mental health capacity, receiving training and dealing directly with some extreme cases. But when they go overtly hostile there's nothing to do by cut them off. I've hung up on more than one inappropriate comments or raising their voice. And I divorced my ex because there is a limit as to how much crap one can absorb.

But even if you determine that you need to cut her out, do so kindly. She didn't choose to be this way. She suffers from the disorder far more than what you might suspect based on what she projects onto you. One thing to understand is that BPDs interact this way mostly with intimate partners. You are probably the person closest to her, and she will probably be devastated. Their greatest fear is abandonment and rejection... second only to fear of intimacy. You could try to reset the relationship and establish boundaries if you care enough and have the patience and understanding. It's a tough situation. Think it through.

[Confoosedgal]

All very helpful responses!

ive done soft ghosting but then when I get lonely and my other friends bail I wind up going back to her house for movies and ice cream or whatever haha.
Okay so I THINK I’m going to just not really talk to her and when or if she insults me or does something rude, I’m going to be firm and direct with her (I’m usually not) and if she doesn’t apologize or stop I’m going to just stop trying with her. We’ve done this song and dance routine for 2 years now and although her moods are far better since I’ve distanced myself, shes still actively trying to bring me down with her. 

[salparadise]

They are extremely insecure people, and it's hard for them to share the success of someone close. It highlights their lack of success. They see it as being relative to them, it's competitive. So basically she's jealous of your success, but in a more personal way than another colleague might be. She's not thinking about how it makes you feel, she's deflecting her own feelings of inadequacy. If you have the patience and fortitude, you could say something like, "I'm sorry that you can't be happy for me and share in my successes, but this was a very personal comment that hurt me deeply. It needs to stop if you want me to be your friend." That puts her on notice. If she reacts badly, you can excuse yourself, which is setting the boundary.

It's good of you to try; she needs you far more than you need her. You just have to renegotiate the terms. It won't fix her by any means, but once you show her you will walk out and go home, it's very symbolic of what the larger picture looks like if she doesn't use restraint. Read up a bit on DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy. It's the best therapy for BPD; and it focus on moderating behavior in order to fit into the world. It should give you quite a bit of insight into how to deal with her.

[Fresh_Start]

The things she's saying to you are things that no friend would ever say to another.  Even when my guy friends and I would "trash talk" each other, it was nothing more than ribbing and jocularity.  What this woman is saying to you is vicious and abusive.  There is a venom in her words that will scar you if you don't detach yourself from her.  By continuing the friendship, even if it's relying on her for various favors, you are essentially enabling her abuse and creating codependency.  It's an unhealthy, self-perpetuating cycle that can be difficult to break.  Even now you're making excuses to maintain the friendship and keep trying.  Hasn't two years been enough?

If she doesn't get it by now, she never will.  It's time for you to end the cycle of abuse, set very clear boundaries, and regain some self-respect.

[Emilie Jolie]

I have known plenty of non BPDs who are complete aszholes also; vindictive, passive aggressive, jealous, insecure, avoidant, etc. Just sometimes, it's in someone's character - meds and behaviour therapy can help control the illness, but there are no treatment to stop acting like a dick. 

Take several steps back because this friendship isn't working for you, absolutely; not because of the mental illness. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth would you stay friends with someone who regularly says rude, insulting things to you?  You don't need friends like that.  Whatever this woman's issues are, they are not your problem and you are not obligated to deal with it just out of sympathy for her mental illness.  You should cut off contact with this person.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Why on earth would you stay friends with someone who regularly says rude, insulting things to you?  You don't need friends like that.  Whatever this woman's issues are, they are not your problem and you are not obligated to deal with it just out of sympathy for her mental illness.  You should cut off contact with this person.

You took the words right out of my mouth, ShyViolet. I'm 49, and I dumped a friend who acted the exact same way. I put up with her mean-girl behavior for about 3 months before I had enough of it. Mental illness or not, this "friend" of yours is not a friend in any sense of the word. She uses you as her verbal punching bag. Why do you put up with that? Why do you think you deserve that from a "friend." I get it that you get lonely when your other "friends" are not available to hang out. So, next time that happens, do NOT go running to Ms. Meany. Just do something solo for a change. You'll be better off. 

Putting up with this kind of behavior from your "friend" for 2 years says that you tolerate being crapped on. You should not tolerate that from anyone. A real friend would not be so mean. 

[Ellener]

I have a mental illness and it's no excuse for being obnoxious! If someone calls me out on something I'll apologise. If she's really Borderline PD then she'll drop you if you do.

7 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

bexauwe she’s a housewife with no kids or job or goals, she has a ton of free time on her hands. So when I have problems or need support or company she’s ALWAYS RELIABLE, never flakes, and is extremely loyal. So she’s there when I need her. So naturally I’ve eventually gone back to her for friendship and company.

It's your call, depends what you need out of it, sometimes it's enough to have a friend who is always there for you and that compensates for her jealousy and moods. I've got a friend like that, she's fun sometimes but oh what a b*tch, I find a little of her goes a long way so I visit with her about every four months. 

Your friend's views on 'find a man to take care of you' aren't that unusual in our culture, I've heard it a million times.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what she or anyone else thinks- it's your life and sounds like you're doing great.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, as a kind and considerate person you'll be able to find friends who are also respectful of you. I definitely wouldn't spend time with someone who is rude to me. The things you've posted that she has said to you are disrespectful. 

 

[preraph]

I certainly wouldn't keep seeing her. We don't even know if her excuse for being so rude and abusive has to do with her mental illness or if she's just rude and abusive. even if it is mental illness how else is she going to learn except by seeing how people react? So if I were you I would definitely drop her and block her. 

[Neversilent]

Mental Illness or not it doesn't give a "friend" the right to treat you like that. I definitely would take some space from your friend and possible even suggest they get help. 

[alphamale]

On 6/17/2020 at 6:11 PM, d0nnivain said:

Do not confront her.  Just pull back . . .way back.  

^^^this

[alphamale]

On 6/17/2020 at 10:38 PM, Ellener said:

I have a mental illness and it's no excuse for being obnoxious! If someone calls me out on something I'll apologise.

 

me too Ellener....i've had a few friends drop me cause of my mental illness but most have stuck by my side.

[mortensorchid]

I had 4 friends in the past who had mental health issues.  They were oddly similar to one another.  The first 2 were childhood friends - they were both gold diggers / users who weren't friends with you unless there was something in it for them, were absolute b*****s to all the other women around them but as soon as a man stepped into play they were not just sweet as honey, they were practically Barbie doll strippers.  One is divorced today (imagine that), the other lives with her mother at age 44 and morbidly obese.  The other two were more like each other - bipolar, alcoholic, morbidly obese, users.  The first two were childhood friends and the fall out hurt but I learned that life is better without either of them, I'm happy today, and I don't want or need them as friends.  The second pair I washed my hands of when they gave me attitude.  They caused their own forms of destruction without me in the picture.  

The bottom line is that life is too short to spend with bad people.  If they aren't going to get the necessary help they should get then they never will and it's not your problem.

[deepthinking]

I h

[deepthinking]

Just now, deepthinking said:

I have known mentally ill people and what she is doing is not about illness. It is not random, see, but targeted sentences planned to put you in a bad place. 

 

[Noproblem]

mental illness does not mean belittling people, making fun of people, or trashing their work and dreams!

that's just what mean people and jealous people would do, not real friends!

 

Sail away and the sea is big and full of wonders!

 

You'll go places and you'll have to let go of some people along the way because they simply will drag your ship down and drown you with them!

[MK2020]

I used to attract a lot of unhealthy people into my life.  I was a people pleaser and a very patient person at my expense.   But the older I got my tolerance for bs went down.   If somebody is causing me mental anguish and makes me question my sanity every time I interact with them, to me friendship is not worth it.  I just distance myself... I still love and respect the person but I tend to put my mental health first... but you are the best judge in regards To how this person makes you feel and what you tolerance for her behavior is.  Best wishes on your decision.

[JacobClark86]

The situation here is really not very clear. On the one hand, you still find the advantages of this communication. On the other hand, you get negative. It is important to support the person who needs it, but the plows side, it is sometimes too hard. Listen to your feelings and act as they tell you.