Not feeling myself: How to cope with witnessing a traumatic event in the short term in those haunting moments when you replay the scene in your head?

[Fox Sake]

I saw something pretty traumatic 5 days ago. My friend had a full blown seizure in my truck as I was taking her home. I’ve known her for 10 years and she has no history of anything like this. 
 

It was the scariest thing I’ve witnessed. I thought my friend was going die at the time. She stopped breathing after going totally rigid and letting out a horrible noise that was all the air leaving her lungs. Pure whites of the eyes and foamy saliva. Her lips went blue , stopped breathing at all and it took a good 30 seconds of me shouting at her to keep breathing, befofe there was any sign of laboured short breath. I pulled her upright so she didn’t choke, and continued to tell her to keep breathing. Thankfully we were already half way to the city , so hospital wasn’t far away and after a call to emergency services, I was advised I would be faster to take her there myself than wait for an ambulance. 
I won’t go into too much detail of what I saw , but it was terrifying. I’m trying to work through it , accept it. It’s just hard to deal with that thought that I was going to possibly witness someone I know well , die in my company. 
 

she’s okay now , she spent 3 days in hospital, apparently I saved her life. I don’t think that’s true. It was just the right place at the right time , and I’m glad she wasn’t alone or with a stranger.  But I’m struggling to believe it was from “alcohol withdrawal” ...  there was no drugs involved and  as far as I’m aware she wasn’t on anything at the time. She said her toxicology report was clean. I also know her family and have spoken to them about it all but it’s not helping ME cope. 
 

I guess the main thing I’m struggling with is what I witnessed. My other concern is what brought it on but it’s looking like I’m not going to get any answers on it that make sense. It’s getting easier by the day to come to terms with it all , but I have moments where it’s haunting me. Of course I try and accept it for what it is and remind myself that she’s okay, but I have moments where it freaks me out. I haven’t been myself since it happened. I was feeling good about life, confident , and now I feel like I’m faking it  

 

 

[poppyfields]

Hey Fox, first off I am so sorry you had to witness something like that!  I am imagining it myself and YES that would be quite traumatic, no doubt!

It sounds like what you are experiencing is perhaps a form of PTST, if you’re very sensitive to happenings around you (as I am) it’s not uncommon that witnessing a traumatic event like that would have the effect on you that it does.

I have witnessed traumatic happenings in my life, some more traumatic than others.  I have been seeing a therapist though for many years and she helps me work through.

But things still affect me deeply, even watching the video of what happened to George Floyd affected me deeply and still does!  I regret watching it.

Also, when I was around 15, I witnessed my dad getting stung by a swarm of bees, he is allergic so went into anaphylaxis shock right in front of me, and that STILL affects me to this day!

What I have learned to do to cope is allow myself the feeling for about 30 seconds, and then FORCE myself to think of happier thoughts or do some Yoga to calm me.

Do you do Yoga?  That helps me tremendously!  Or go for a run.  Any type of vigorous exercise will help, it increases endorphins bringing with it a sense of peace and calm.

So give those things are whirl and see how you feel.  I highly recommend Yoga though, that helps me the best.

I am glad your friend is OKAY!  Wow that is scary!

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Emilie Jolie]

On 6/17/2020 at 9:13 PM, Fox Sake said:

I guess the main thing I’m struggling with is what I witnessed. My other concern is what brought it on but it’s looking like I’m not going to get any answers on it that make sense. It’s getting easier by the day to come to terms with it all , but I have moments where it’s haunting me. Of course I try and accept it for what it is and remind myself that she’s okay, but I have moments where it freaks me out. I haven’t been myself since it happened. I was feeling good about life, confident , and now I feel like I’m faking it  

(((Virtual hugs))). Glad your friend is ok.

You've come face to face with your own mortality. That's not an easy thing to confront, especially when it's taking you by surprise.

 I have no advice but when I feel a little blue, I think of this quote from Robin Williams:

Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me.

[Fox Sake]

Thank you Poppy, I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me and giving me some great advice. You’ve been through some horrific things to have to stay in your mind with. I’m so sorry for you ... I do exercise and yoga im just getting into again . I need to do more. I honestly didn’t know if I was over reacting or not, this is all new to me this feeling. PTST sounds about right actually. 

I’ve never felt like this before.  I need to find out why i find the images disturbing tho and then find a way of making them equate to something just. Something maybe I had to go through so someone else could be better.. I think that’s the only direction I can go for in this situation,  now I'm over the initial shock and actually putting some thought into it.
If I’ve ever had to deal with things that would cause anything like this feeling in the past, I’ve dealt with them and it’s not been too difficult . But this is a particularly dark replay 

She says I saved her life which in itself is truly humbling , she says this evening that she’s turned her whole mindset on life around because of it, it’s scared her and that’s now taken a positive influence. So for that I should be grateful that I could be there for someone to help them get a better life. I think the images are haunting because I felt so helpless.  The replaying of the scene in the mind is like a scene from a horror movie. Just thoughts while I’m writing this and thinking about it.  TBC I’m sure ...  
 

 

[Fox Sake]

25 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

(((Virtual hugs))). Glad your friend is ok.

You've come face to face with your own mortality. That's not an easy thing to confront, especially when it's taking you by surprise.

 I have no advice but when I feel a little blue, I think of this quote from Robin Williams:

Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me.

Thank you Emilie! That did actually make me smile! And to think of Robin Williams saying that to me.. Double smile cos it also reminds me of Mork&Mindy and me being as young as I can ever remember 

[Emilie Jolie]

Keep smiling, @Fox Sake.   

You kept your cool in the moment, you didn't panic, you took her to the hospital; allow her to be grateful to you, too. Seeing her get better will help, and so is acknowledging that life is fragile and precious, and needs to be cherished. I live by the water, that's my peaceful place where I ponder the meaning of life while enjoying the sunset  - is there somewhere nice and peaceful you could go to to gather yourself, and remind yourself of how beautiful life still is?

[gaius]

I think your mind will find a way to heal from it at some point if you give it time. And actually want to heal. Some people like to cling onto stuff like that.

Watched a guy bleed out a few weeks ago and now it seems like it was a dream even though I know it really happened. I'm actually sitting about 200 feet from where it occurred at this moment and the memory didn't enter my head until reading this thread.

The worst experience for me in life so far was killing a snake that entered our yard with a blunt object. As I didn't have anything else at hand. Watching it slowly die as I crushed more and more of it's bones, and it trying to fight for it's life in the most pathetic way I've ever seen with it's broken jaw hanging down limp, still pains me and makes me feel guilty everytime I think about it. That I wasn't able to kill him quicker and subjected him to that. Or instead just let him live and tossed him out of the yard. But even that thought doesn't enter my head anymore except in conversations like this.

[Fox Sake]

18 hours ago, gaius said:

I think your mind will find a way to heal from it at some point if you give it time. And actually want to heal. Some people like to cling onto stuff like that.

Watched a guy bleed out a few weeks ago and now it seems like it was a dream even though I know it really happened. I'm actually sitting about 200 feet from where it occurred at this moment and the memory didn't enter my head until reading this thread.

The worst experience for me in life so far was killing a snake that entered our yard with a blunt object. As I didn't have anything else at hand. Watching it slowly die as I crushed more and more of it's bones, and it trying to fight for it's life in the most pathetic way I've ever seen with it's broken jaw hanging down limp, still pains me and makes me feel guilty everytime I think about it. That I wasn't able to kill him quicker and subjected him to that. Or instead just let him live and tossed him out of the yard. But even that thought doesn't enter my head anymore except in conversations like this.

I agree. It’s just this one has been particularly hard. I think @Emilie Jolie had it right when she said I had been faced with my own mortality. I thought about that statement a lot..and because it was in my care, out of the blue, and we were already friends for such a long time, that really changed how I see it. 

Had some similar experiences to you in the past and I’ve always got over them, almost used them to make myself stronger.... oh....Reminding myself has just helped a huge amount detach from the emotional side of the replay in my head. 
 

Your situation, may be to help yourself get over that guilt you feel, you could donate some money to an anti venom charity. 
Then you can forgive yourself , and know that because of that snake and your guilt, it’s actually saved some people lives and done some good. 

[Fresh_Start]

On 6/17/2020 at 4:13 PM, Fox Sake said:

I was feeling good about life, confident , and now I feel like I’m faking it  

This part stood out to me because this is something that you can change your perspective on to make you feel even better about life than you did before and even more confident without any of it being "fake".  

You were there for a friend who may very well have died had she been alone somewhere.  Seizures can have fatal consequences.  So while I understand that it was traumatic for you to witness it, the fact is you probably saved her life.  You should feel relieved that she is ok and comforted by the knowledge that this situation could have had a much worse outcome if not for your quick actions.  That's something to feel good about, something that can make you appreciate life that much more, and something you can gain confidence from.

It's all about perspective, my friend.  

[preraph]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I've seen a couple of things that I just can't let myself think about. And they were even up close and personal but just stop by unfortunately ran across on the internet. I just can't even allow my mind to start to go there. 

 

I guess different people deal with it in different ways. If you have the money you should probably go earlier rather than later and maybe just do online counseling with a psychologist who is trained or specializes in PTSD. You don't want to end up with PTSD from it and to treat PTSD at all you have to do it right after something happens. so if you have the money start looking for a PTSD doctor. 

 

if you happen to be military you might be able to do it through the VA but you might have to wait too long. 

You know this is the type of thing that police, ent and firefighters go home with every day in their work that people just don't understand what that kind of sacrifice is.

[Fox Sake]

@Fresh_Start & @preraphThank you both too. I’m honestly feeling better about things now . The haunting images aren’t so haunting anymore, it’s like I’m coming to accept it as another branch on my tree and a price to make someone’s life a more valuable and better place for them. 
Unfortunately for me I refuse to shutter out things that hurt me , so I’m often forced to deal with them in my mind until I’m in a reasonable place to accept them or learn from them or forgive myself or whatever. I don’t think suppression is a healthy thing, I like to try and get to the bottom of things and confront or deal with feelings. It’s helped an awful lot having peoples input on here. 
 

If anything changes then I will definitely start looking for a PTSD doctor. But that’s 36 hours of clear headspace and things have been much better in my head, I feel like I’m making progress with myself and getting stronger from it. I don’t quite yet feel like the happy go lucky self I was a week ago, but I’m definitely on the way and in a much better place , thinking about it no longer makes me sick with anxiety. More accepting  and understanding of things....of course tho if there is any change I will post back about it. I’m not military either btw but thank you for the ideas and support. 

❤️

 

[preraph]

Part of dealing with PTSD is replacing bad memories by overwriting them with new current good memories and associations. So it's not quite the same as just blocking them out. For example I have a memory or three about animals that are very hard for me to deal with. And I just try to look at it happy joyful videos of animals to try to dilute that.

 

My dog is a seizure dog. My goal in life is to outlive her because she was very damaged when I got because people just thought she was mean and so did other dogs because they didn't like her energy so she is afraid of just about everyone and most of her seizures are brought on by stress if not all, but it took a long time for her to become my loyal and loving companion. 

 

I'm glad you are starting to feel better.

Edited June 20, 2020 by preraph

[ShyViolet]

It happened ONLY 5 days ago.... that's still completely fresh in your mind and it makes total sense that you would be having a hard time with it.  You won't feel this way forever.  The memory needs to be processed, meaning it moves from the front of your mind to the back of your mind so to speak... After it's been processed, when you pull up the memory, it will no longer bring about this strong physical reaction, it will feel like more of just a memory.  It takes time.

[Cookiesandough]

I’m sorry, foxy. 😔 that’s awful. 

[preraph]

Maybe when you see her again well, it will help, too.

[Fox Sake]

@Cookiesandough @preraph @ShyViolet

Thank you all for your continued support and advice. I really, really appreciate it. I don’t think any of you know quite how much.  I mean that. 

I’m definitely making progress and I’m never one to push things under the carpet. I want to confront any issues as they arise. It’s how I grow.  It can be intense tho and this has definitely challenged me to my limit.  
I know things are still fresh in my mind but honestly things are getting better, I truly feel like I’m processing things now After spending an evening mulling it over,  and actually writing on here helps me too.
All in the name of getting another branch on my tree and saving my friends life, and making myself stronger and someone else stronger too. 
The haunting images were difficult at first but last night and today ,I seem to be okay, more anxiety than uncontrollable thoughts . More accepting as you say, as just a memory and not an intense emotional reaction. It’s not 100% yet cos the whole thing was totally f***ed , but I like to think I know myself well,  and I can tell things are getting better. In my own mind I’ve made a place to allow myself to learn and accept this for what it is and all the goodness as well as the pain that has come out of it. I’m sure there will be moments , but on the whole I’m managing much better. Going to catch up with her on Monday or Tuesday and make sure she is truly okay and not just putting on a brave face , thankfully she can’t remember much, if anything , about it , so it’s only me who has had to deal with that side of things. 
 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Fox Sake

[lana-banana]

Please, please, PLEASE look into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is explicitly designed for this kind of thing: keeping you distracted when feelings or memories become so overwhelming that you can't cope. I got into DBT after a workplace trauma and it is the reason why I went from screaming nightmares and panic attacks every two weeks to just a few a year. If you can't find a DBT professional, there are all kinds of DBT workbooks you can buy online. 

The key is to arm yourself with means of distraction, and to have techniques that work for you. All the intellectual stuff about letting feelings pass, understanding why you're upset, etc---save that for CBT or meditation. What you need now is the ability to function without these triggers setting you back, and DBT can be a godsend. 

[preraph]

I think that will help.  

 

I've had a couple of PTSD type dreams the past couple of days.  I hadn't had for years.  It's all the unrest in the world, I think, and this feeling like time is wasting here during covid.  I've always been one to try to be sure I'm doing something fun for myself from time to time, and it's been pretty impossible lately except for my little dog.  

[Fox Sake]

9 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Please, please, PLEASE look into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is explicitly designed for this kind of thing: keeping you distracted when feelings or memories become so overwhelming that you can't cope. I got into DBT after a workplace trauma and it is the reason why I went from screaming nightmares and panic attacks every two weeks to just a few a year. If you can't find a DBT professional, there are all kinds of DBT workbooks you can buy online. 

The key is to arm yourself with means of distraction, and to have techniques that work for you. All the intellectual stuff about letting feelings pass, understanding why you're upset, etc---save that for CBT or meditation. What you need now is the ability to function without these triggers setting you back, and DBT can be a godsend. 

I can’t seem to put myself in that place .... I’m probably pretty messed up to be honest just in general!  I definitely don’t feel like a “normal” person, but I accepted that many moons ago. Everything has to be dealt with. A distraction to me is just a distraction and in my own mind I just have to work through things and find a way of making things accepted so that I can justify why they happen , and know that everything happens for a reason. 
I’ve literally got to cut this short as I have family speaking at me right now but I’ll be back in a half hour 

[lana-banana]

The stuff you are describing is for intensive therapy---try CBT for cognitive distortions, talk with a professional, etc. I think that would be very helpful for you. However, you cannot meaningfully address any of this when you're panicking. If you don't like the word "distraction" then think of it as a bridge, providing you the tools to temporarily reach a better headspace. Or you can even think of it like a life preserver. If you're drowning, you wouldn't turn down a life preserver just because it wasn't a boat.

DBT is very hard. I know when I started it I felt like I couldn't do it. It's the same as any therapy---you just have to keep practicing.

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

The stuff you are describing is for intensive therapy---try CBT for cognitive distortions, talk with a professional, etc. I think that would be very helpful for you. However, you cannot meaningfully address any of this when you're panicking. If you don't like the word "distraction" then think of it as a bridge, providing you the tools to temporarily reach a better headspace. Or you can even think of it like a life preserver. If you're drowning, you wouldn't turn down a life preserver just because it wasn't a boat.

DBT is very hard. I know when I started it I felt like I couldn't do it. It's the same as any therapy---you just have to keep practicing.

Thank you for teaching me something I didn’t know about. I will look into CBT and DBT too. I had an ex who used to do it In secret but I never really took much notice or understand, nor did I understand I give myself intensive therapy. That’s how I’ve dealt with things for as long as I can remember, so I’m actually learning something about myself here. I appreciate it. Although It has given me some more questions because I would like to find out how and why , it’s also answered a few.  
 

You made another good point too, and that was not being able to apply or address anything while I’m panicking. I totally agree.
 I’ll use the term panicking loosely, as I can relate many times in the past where I simply couldn’t see the cloud for the trees... spent time in a pit of doom or worrying , panicking, depressed, heartbroken, ashamed,  or whatever. I would destroyed myself entirely before eventually rebuilding. I was unable to apply myself clearly. 

In the moments I couldn’t hack things such as 48 hours ago,  when the replay in my mind made me feel sick, it put me to my knees. I would breath and give myself affirmations. I even caught myself humming a nursery rhyme shortly before I was in the floor...

The one thing that made a difference to start processing this,  was when I was replying to Gaius , and said that I use these past experiences to make me stronger. Ever since that moment,  the terror I would feel in that scene has almost disappeared. Like the terror was stopping me from seeing how to try and overcome it. 

Now that‘s happened ( but not entirely fixed yet) I’m able to actually take onboard all the help that people are offering my heart on here as well as my head. It’s hard to explain. I really hope I continue like this...the main thing was not being mentally tortured by the images and that seems to have stopped 90% because it’s all been for the greater good. 
If the situation had turned out badly , I’m almost be certain I wouldn’t know how to deal with that. It doesn’t bear thinking about.  

TLDR My friend is in very good spirits and health today. It’s the the main thing.   She’s called me twice and seemed so excited by life,  said she’s turned a page and it’s thanks to me...It’s made me feel diffident, almost shy about it. 
She’s been out of hospital for a few days now and each day seems better than the last. It feels like it wasn’t all for nothing, there is goodness from it. I have no idea if I’m dealing with any of this correctly or not , but I am dealing with it. Im going to look into DBT or CBT so i can see if there is a more gentle approach to dealing with my own mind. 

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Fox Sake]

I’m livid. 
My friend just spent the last 2 nights drinking And I didn’t have a clue. With friends that didn’t know about it and still don’t , and her landlord who apparently does know.  She told me today how hammered she was and she felt bad about it.  Even her landlord has been offering her booze.   
After everything I went though. After everything she went through. What the f***. 
 

I feel like I want nothing more to do with this person I’ve tried to help.  Why.....??? 

Apparently the hospital said that it was because of her heavy drinking , lack of food and alcohol withdrawal that made her take that turn in the first place. 
I don’t know know what to believe anymore or what to make of it. Something stinks.  I know I feel so disrespected  tho, stupid and I feel like she doesn’t even respect herself or care what I had to go through. She said she scared herself but it obviously didn’t last long. I told her exactly what I witnessed in great detail and she said how sorry she was. I’m at a loss of what to do from here. I don’t know if I’m angry or sad or both. 
gobsmacked. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Fox Sake]

After some reflection time I have no right to be mad. I’m just upset about it. 
I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I chew . There’s more to it then I shared originally...something is not sitting well with me.

I think the Ex cop landlord she is staying with is a predator. In the last week she has told me that he’s tried stroking her back, tried to kiss her and offering her alcohol. He’s an ex cop so she thinks although it’s slightly uncomfortable “he’s probably just being kind” ... 40+ years age difference  

First thing that stinks - 

Why is he offering her alcohol when that’s what she just came out of hospital for - alcohol withdrawal?

second thing - 
I called the guy she was renting a room off for the last few weeks in a house. No concern for what I had just been through. Told me he’s an ex cop (which he is) and that my friend had said i was gay before I picked her up?! (My friend denied this) asked if there was drugs involved , which there most certainly wasn’t. 

third thing -

Wanted to know if we had sex...He looked on my Facebook to check what my orientation was and seemed pissed off about it when it said interested in women.  First thing that doesn’t sound right to me...what did that even have to do with anything?

i assumed seeing as she been in an Abusive  relationship previously then maybe it was worse than I thought, and he was like a half way house or something for women’s refuge. Maybe that’s why he was ex cop. Seemed reasonable for a moment so I gave a chronological order of the night,  to the next day up until it happened. He still didn’t seem happy.

i wrote to my friend while she was in hospital with a copy of the the entire messages that took place between us so she could see for herself and asked her to tell me immediately if I had just put her in danger. I suddenly thought that was a weird set of questions for someone to ask me that wasn’t having sex with this person. 

Second thing that stinks -

Not only that , but I happen to know he told my friends relative A few day’s ago that she was doing well all the way up until she came to ******’s (mine) for a night.

My friend said her toxicology report was clean and that it was because of alcohol withdrawal. I believe her so that rules out my suspicion on the the ex cop having anything to do with it.  it’s sad she didn’t tell me it was that bad before. with the ex cop being so suspecting It’s made me quite uncomfortable. It’s totally unjustified. 
Im actually starting to question if she seven told him why she was in hospital. 

He’s also been offering her alcohol most days .... Between that behaviour and his predatory movements on my friend I’m starting to wonder if he is unhinged or if my friend is lying.  

My friend says there’s nothing more to it and basically gone back to happy go lucky- sweep it all under the rug, again. Something isn’t right here. 

[Fox Sake]

I’ve dealt with all this now. Both parts. 
thank you for all your help and support! 
 

My friend is moving away in a week to another city for a fresh start with her work. I’ve done all I can do and given all the guidance I can possibly help with. I’ve pushed her family to be more supportive so she isn’t relying on me every day.