Update! It's such a cliche I'm actually laughing

[Confused998]

Hi everyone 

 

It's been a while since I posted on here so I thought I would jump on with an update. Feel free to click on my profile if you need the backstory if you don't remember me

 

You might remember my last post was in a fit of rage when finding out that sort-of-ex-AP that had started talking about 'our future' was talking about buying a house with his wife. I blocked him and went NC.

 

So, an update from then (About 2 months ago now). We went into lock down which basically meant spending 8 weeks at home will time with my DH. It's been the best thing that could have ever happened. DH and I have absolutely transformed our relationship, had open and honest chats, and committed to moving our relationship forward. We're better than we've been in years and years. 

As part of our re-affirmation of being together, we decided to buy a new house, fresh start etc. I also got a new job, in my dream field, something that also cuts ties with AP all together (AP doesn't work with me, but he works for a company that my current company works with, so he does come into the office occasionally.)

My company has all been working from home until last week. As I said, AP and I have been non contact that entire time. 

Literally on day one of us returning to the office last week, I got an email from him asking to meet. I said no. He said he just wanted to talk, to clear the air as eventually our paths will end up crossing in a social situation and he doesnt want it to be uncomfortable, so I agreed. We met. 

I am actually so shocked at what got said. He basically suggested we should pick up where we left off (I would say for lack of better words we 'broke up' in Feb) and that his feeling hadnt changed. (I translate this now to be something along the lines of "The sex at home is s*** and I've not had any for a few months")

I asked why he didnt try and make contact before then and he said, well there was no point, we couldn't have seen each other anyway. I said I was comitted to my DH and after a lot of soul searching I finally understand why I ended up doing what I did, and said that I thought I understood what drove him to it as well. He didnt want to hear it, said all the usual things about me being the one, he'll never stop loving me, it's so hard, blah blah blah, and THEN! He tried to put it on me and say that the reason we can't be together now was because DH and I had bought a new house and 'I'd clearly made a commitment to stay" (firstly, we already owned a house and secondly, BUDDY YOU WERE THE ONE THAT STARTED LOOKING FOR HOUSES WITH DW WHEN WE WERE MEANT TO BE 'PLANNING OUR FUTURE"!!!)

Fortunately I can see through the BS and can almost laugh at all of this. I also felt sick with guilt just from meeting him to have this conversation, and all the anxiety/stress of the secrecy just reminded me of how unpleasant those emotions are to live with every day. No wonder it nearly ruined my marriage. 

Anyway, I would just like to thank everyone on here for their support and listening. I definitely get the impression him and I arent 'done' and there'll be times in the future where he'll try this again, but for now, I feel positive that I'm in the right road. 

 

 

[DKT3]

So how does this

YOU SAID

"It's been the best thing that could have ever happened. DH and I have absolutely transformed our relationship, had open and honest chats, and committed to moving our relationship forward. We're better than we've been in years and years. "

Coexist with this in your head

YOU SAID

"so I agreed. We met."

AND

"definitely get the impression him and I arent 'done' and there'll be times in the future where he'll try this again, but for now, I feel positive that I'm in the right road."

The most telling phase in all of this is "but for now"

This doesn't sound like a woman truly committed to anyone but her Affair Partner and you're just waiting for him to prove himself. 

 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by DKT3

[Zona]

Have you come clean to your husband about sleeping with another man? It took 7 long years of living a lie before I figured it out, and I'm still trying to recover from it.

I dare say if you were as committed to your husband as you claim, you would not be talking to your AP at all under any circumstances and would have him completely blocked.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Zona

[pepperbird]

I'm glad that you feel you're on the right track. You're at the start of a long journey, but you've taken what many say is the hardest step- you got started.

It's good to hear you're excited about your marriage, but please don't depend on that initial momentum to just keep going. You've cheated, but that doesn't have to mean you will again- what will you do to keep your resolve? Have you started counselling or do you have another source of "real world" support who can help you work through all of this? Do you think you'll tell your husband? I;m usually in the "tell' camp, but you'll have to decide that for yourself.

Whatever choices you make, if being with your husband is truly where you want to be, you have a lot of work to do, but the good news is it can be work that you enjoy. You'll also find out a lot about yourself along the way.

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.