Woggle Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 My father and I do not have the best relationship. I realize that in many ways he was just as much a victim of my mother as I was. She was absolutely terrifying when she was in rage mode and anybody that stepped in her way especially a man would just get steamrolled over. My father after a while just gave up. Knowing this I find it hard to forgive how he just stood there while I took the brunt of her rage and often hid in another room. He told me to just let her get it out of her system. When they divorced he knew that it got even worse and he even knew about some of her sexual abuse but didn't push it because in his words she is not the kind of person you want to make angry. To me what he was at the time is the opposite of what a man should be. If that were my kid I would kidnap them if I had to instead of just letting it happen. Today he is genuinely remorseful and wishes there was more he did and I have no reason to doubt his sincerity. I understand why he was afraid of her because he was still shell shocked at how quickly she turned. Supposedly they actually had a good relationship before I was born and in the first few years of my life until she was brainwashed by the group she fell in with. It had to be a shock to see the woman he loves turn into that and maybe he thought if he could be different than every man she had a bone to pick with that maybe he could love her out of all that hatred. He isn't getting any younger and I want to at least bury the hatchet with one parent. Life is to precious to walk around with that chip. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 Since you acknowledge that he was a bit of a victim too, find a way to forgive him for not being strong enough to protect you. It sucks. As your father he had an obligation to step up but as an adult you can see that he was too weak / damaged to be of help He didn't affirmatively hurt you. He benignly abandoned you in a time of great need but he did that out of fear not malice. You were still damaged by his lack of action but if he's remorseful & you want some kind of relationship with him before he dies make an effort. Start with something small like sending him a Happy Father's Day text or a card Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 1 hour ago, Woggle said: My father and I do not have the best relationship. I realize that in many ways he was just as much a victim of my mother as I was. She was absolutely terrifying when she was in rage mode and anybody that stepped in her way especially a man would just get steamrolled over. My father after a while just gave up. Knowing this I find it hard to forgive how he just stood there while I took the brunt of her rage and often hid in another room. He told me to just let her get it out of her system. When they divorced he knew that it got even worse and he even knew about some of her sexual abuse but didn't push it because in his words she is not the kind of person you want to make angry. To me what he was at the time is the opposite of what a man should be. If that were my kid I would kidnap them if I had to instead of just letting it happen. Today he is genuinely remorseful and wishes there was more he did and I have no reason to doubt his sincerity. I understand why he was afraid of her because he was still shell shocked at how quickly she turned. Supposedly they actually had a good relationship before I was born and in the first few years of my life until she was brainwashed by the group she fell in with. It had to be a shock to see the woman he loves turn into that and maybe he thought if he could be different than every man she had a bone to pick with that maybe he could love her out of all that hatred. He isn't getting any younger and I want to at least bury the hatchet with one parent. Life is to precious to walk around with that chip. So the other parent is indisputably the root to all of your family-related problems, and you are wondering whether you should reconcile with (this parent). What should this man have done? Hit your mom? Physically restrain your mom? Stay with such a partner? Forecast in advance just what would happen to you at the hand of your mother after the divorce? Get into a custody battle that would surely further enrage your already-enraged mother? How about you stop and recognize the present day potential for this one, rare-for-you relationship with a biological parent, and then go and do whatever it takes to explore it. (in your case it is perhaps even OK during Covid times) I'm NOT intending to suggest that your father did a lot of things that were especially 'right' for the good of all involved... but I don't see any major wrongs, especially relatively speaking. Start there, and maybe the payoff will be learning something noteworthy about your life, and/or about people in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) xxxxx Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted June 20, 2020 Author Share Posted June 20, 2020 I gave him a call and we had a nice conversation. Both of us know he was wrong for how he let it go on but he gave a genuine apology and I feel he meant it. At the end of the day the past can't be changed but I forgive him and I hope to keep in touch with him. I am glad he has finally found some peace because his life has not been easy. At the end of the day it feels really good to forgive and accept his apology. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 That’s awesome! I hope you can move forward in a positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Yes. You know, he was a victim too. It's always unfathomable why anyone would stay, but he probably did think it was better he was there for the kids than not, weak as it was how he handled it. Now she's gone and you're grown, he's had time to recoup a bit of himself. From the abuse victims I've talked to over the years, I think the hardest part is often that the other parent did nothing to protect them. It's just so unforgivable and they could have done something. But some are victims themselves even from their own childhood and that is what they know, and others just became victims and felt trapped. If they were victims as children themselves, they often attract an abuser because that is the type person they connect with and know how to relate to since they learned to cope as well as could be as children and let them in with all the red flags when someone unabused would not. He's expressing remorse now, and as long as he himself would never bring something like abuse back into your life, there's no reason to cheat yourself out of a relationship with him now. It might be great if you could both do family counseling together and get it all out on the table, but I know how expensive that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted June 20, 2020 Author Share Posted June 20, 2020 We live on opposite coasts so I don't see any kind of counseling but once the Covid thing is under control and I can travel I will see him when I am back in Jersey again. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 If you wanted to, you could both do a zoom counseling online. I get you may not want to do that or he may not want to do that. Just saying a lot of people do online therapy these days. It's not cheap either. I don't know how much you've been around him lately, but just be aware that even though he may truly be remorseful, old patterns sometimes repeat themselves despite our best efforts, so there could be some bumps. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 8 hours ago, Woggle said: I gave him a call and we had a nice conversation. Both of us know he was wrong for how he let it go on but he gave a genuine apology and I feel he meant it. At the end of the day the past can't be changed but I forgive him and I hope to keep in touch with him. I am glad he has finally found some peace because his life has not been easy. At the end of the day it feels really good to forgive and accept his apology. I had one of those 'come to Jesus' conversations with my dad not long before his later happy life overturned again with dementia. I never regret it because the last phone conversation I had with him before he died he just said over and over 'I love you' and my name. And I said it back- and meant it- each time. If we hadn't made our peace beforehand that would not have been in his mind as the dementia took hold. I'm crying now! Happy Father's Day to all dads and mine. Link to post Share on other sites
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