hangingonbyathread Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Long story short when we started dating we both were smoking. I had started again after years and years which is when we got together. I have asthma and I shouldn't be smoking so I had discussions with him and said I really wanted to quit as it was getting hard for me to breathe at times and I was using an inhaler a lot. He also had his own set of health issues that started to come up vascular and clotting, which is a major No-No for cigarettes. We both quit but then I found out he was still smoking at work. We would argue about it, it would hurt and then he would say he'd really try and I continued to support him. His doctors were urging him to not smoke it all due to the risk he was taking, he wasn't like a normal person with all these issues that he has. I didn't want to lose him. Eventually after about four months or so he did quit and we had both have been quit for about 7 years. Fast forward a couple of years after that... he has had a ton of health issues he lost his leg due to clotting and also had a stroke. after about another year or so we started having a little trouble in our relationship he's had anger issues for a long time and has been working on them. But I found out once again he's been lying to me and he has been smoking. It's tears my heart apart so much as my mother had the same condition he does and she kept doing the same thing and died. I tried to tell him that it's not just about him smoking. I feel like I am reliving my mother all over again, it just kills me. I already know I'll probably live a lot of my end part of life without him but I feel like he's stealing that time from me. Over the last six months he kept saying I don't want to hurt you I'm done with the cigarettes yeah I keep finding out that he continues to do it. I just feel so sick inside it's like I'm watching him kill himself. I think it's a control thing for him he doesn't even smoke that much but it's something that he can dangle in front of me and sadly I think that's one of the major reasons he does it. He acts in such a selfish way with a lot of stuff because of his anger and this is just one other thing he can control and hurt me with. Normally you would not give an ultimatum when it comes to smoking because people with even the smallest addictions have to go through this process, I get that. But this is not a normal situation and he is not a normal guy with all of the issues that he has. And I feel like he's a Sitting Duck and if he does have another stroke which is highly likely he may either die or be a vegetable I just don't know what to do this is this horrible What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 Listen, at the end of the day you can't control him. You have already had all the conversations there are to be had with him about this. He is going to do what he's going to do. You have no control over the situation. You can either stay in a relationship with him, and fully accept the situation, or you can leave because you don't want to watch him lead an unhealthy lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 He'll eventually have another stroke and you'll be forced to play his nurse. How's that for retirement? Are you married? If not then you'll spend your golden years playing his nurse and when he dies you'll get nothing. Maybe it's time for you to be selfish and think of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: He'll eventually have another stroke and you'll be forced to play his nurse. How's that for retirement? Are you married? If not then you'll spend your golden years playing his nurse and when he dies you'll get nothing. Maybe it's time for you to be selfish and think of yourself. totally agree 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 You already seem to have a lot of issues with this guy hanginbyathread. He is not going to change. You are desperate to find a way to make him change and think that by waiting and giving him more time he will. He doesn't seem to want to change. Smoking isn't the only problem is it? You can't save him from himself. You cannot control him by any means - force, persuasion, gentle steering - none of it is working. He has to fundamentally want to change and he doesn't. He sounds like a guy who will always push the boundaries and who people have to resist. Why would you stay in that kind of situation? Under that pressure, waiting for a miracle? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 Respectfully, it’s the very basis of health behavior change. Only he can make the decision to stop smoking. As for you, it’s the three c’s - you didn’t cause this, you don’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Quote Normally you would not give an ultimatum when it comes to smoking because people with even the smallest addictions have to go through this process No, but if it’s too hard for you to be with a smoker when you know the health issues that he has already, and will continue to experience... you have another decision you can make. You may not be able to change the behavior or the outcome, it doesn’t mean that you have to stand by his side and live it again. As harsh as that sounds, you need to do what is required to stay healthy and well yourself. If the stress of this relationship is too much, you may need to end the relationship. You can’t give an ultimatum that he atop smoking, but you can decide that smoking is a dealbreaker for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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