D Day and Now NC

[Brokenhearted2020]

I'm a married woman who was having an affair with a married man until a few days ago and D Day hit out of the blue. I need somewhere safe to write without contacting him.

MOM has always said he would never leave his BS so I knew he would try and fight for reconciliation in the event of D Day. My marriage is a little different, hanging on by a thread after my BH own affair a few years ago, I think if MOM had suggested us being together I I would've left my marriage. 

Still it hurts to be thrown under the bus by someone I thought loved me. MOM BS kicked him out and in the days that followed MOM tried to minimise our relationship (I believe he is still doing this) he has told her we only slept together once, he regretted it and we continued talking but not meeting. I doubt he has told her he loved me let alone had feelings for me and it hurts as it's so far from the truth. The affair was around 18 months long and I believed we were in love. He had asked me to back up his story if his BS asked me. I feel so guilty as there are young children involved for both of us and I would have fallen on the sword as it were to protect him, but his actions over the last few days have left me heartbroken.

How can he just pretend we didnt exist? Hes blocked me on all social media and only kept our messaging app open. He will only message me on there now if he needs to clarify something and everytime he comes back he'll apologise and then say sorry I have to stop talking to you. We met two days after D Day as he wanted face to face closure and we kissed a  lot despite him saying the whole time he wanted to recoincil and by doing so meant cutting me off.

I contacted him on the app yesterday to say I was upset he hadn't once cared about me and I was heartbroken. He was very cold and asked me not to message him anymore. I need to go NC but it's so hard. I hadn't gone a day in 18 months without speaking to him. I wake up and immediately my first thought is to message him. I've still got the app and cant bring myself to remove it just yet. My question is do you think he will come back if I stick to the NC? Or take his word and accept he wasn't who I thought? 

[BaileyB]

I think he has made his choice. I’m sorry. 

[SS2855]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and honestly I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I think you have to do whatever it possibly takes to leave him alone right now. Take it one day at a time. Your story is extremely sobering and scary because there are so many like this on here, and I for one feel like I’m looking in to a crystal ball by reading your  situation. At some point we as OW know we will get hurt beyond measure and still cannot let go. I have to imagine it’s painful that someone who professed their love for you can drop u in a minute if/ when they feel they could be losing their marriage. Just this past weekend my OM fully unloaded his love for me- “I’m lost without you, I love you, I NEED you, what do I do about this???!” and has since been relatively silent with me. Literally like a switch flipped. At some point when is enough enough? You know you are worth more. And I know so am I. But I know that doesn’t change the pain of it all. Thinking of you.

[Brokenhearted2020]

Thank you for replying. I always knew what choice he would make, there was never any talk of us being together especially as we both have young children. We would say maybe when they are a lot older, a fantasy basically.

 

The hurt is coming from knowing I may never speak to him again. He became like my best friend over time for the whole 18 months we would talk from morning til night, meeting for little moments when we could. I want to reach out to him this morning as today marks my first day of silence and I'm trying my hardest to stay busy so I don't. 

 

The last message I sent was to him saying how much I'm hurting and he just said sorry for that. I cant understand why he isn't hurting too over losing me. 

[BaileyB]

Maybe he is hurting, maybe he isn’t. You don’t really know. 

Men seem to be much better at compartmentalizing their affairs. They tend to look at things more logically, while women tend to be much more emotional. You have clearly become very attached to the man. As they say, men are looking for “extra” while women tend to look to “replace” - creating fantasies about being together and choosing their MM as their primary relationship. His primary attachment obviously remains his wife and family, 

It’s possible that he may contact you again with time in attempt to continue things as they have been... once the waters calm at home. But, continue under no illusion - you have a relationship with another woman’s husband and he has thrown you under the bus and chosen his wife and family. Is that really a good relationship for you to chose for yourself? Is there somewhere else that is healthier for you to find the emotional support you seek - your husband, a friend, a counsellor? 

Edited June 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[Crazelnut]

I'm sorry you're hurting. This is such a typical story here. 

I would like to draw attention to your statement that he's been your best friend for 18 months. Is this how a friend behaves?? He was never really your friend. If he was, he wouldn't treat you this way.  He's not your friend, and he doesn't have your interests in mind. Only his own. Remember that when things die down and he eventually wants to start things up again. Who needs a "friend" that treats you like crap?

When you feel like messaging him, post here instead. Lots of people here have been through this and can help. BTW, you need to assume that his BW will read anything you message to him now. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

i would like to draw attention to your statement that he's been your best friend for 18 months. Is this how a friend behaves?? He was never really your friend. If he was, he wouldn't treat you this way.  He's not your friend, and he doesn't have your interests in mind. Only his own. 

So true. If you were best friends with someone who abruptly ended all contact and chose another best friend - you would be sadly disappointed but it’s unlikely that you would trust that person again when they came back around... as Crazelnut says, remember that. He chose his family and ended contact with you because it was in his best interest to do so. He will come back to you seeking affection and reassurance because it’s in his own interest to do so. 

[Zona]

He'll probably come sniffing around once he feels he has recovered from the damage the affair caused in his marriage, and his wife has given him a little more leash. Might be 6 months, might be a few years... you just never know.

One thing I will never understand is why if a person is unhappy in their marriage that they would get involved with someone who is married rather than single. Why involved yourself in the betrayal of another unsuspecting BS?

You certainly have lost whatever moral high ground you had because of your husband's infidelity.

[heartwhole2]

13 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said:

I contacted him on the app yesterday to say I was upset he hadn't once cared about me and I was heartbroken.

You're right that he can't be the person to make you feel better about all of this. Really, that person is you. You will need to grieve this relationship and process why you entered a no-win situation. Would you really feel better if he made you sound like his soulmate to his betrayed wife? Is that how your husband handled it when you discovered his affair?

You didn't mention if there was a DDay on your end as well. Does your husband know about your affair?

[Brokenhearted2020]

6 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I'm sorry you're hurting. This is such a typical story here. 

I would like to draw attention to your statement that he's been your best friend for 18 months. Is this how a friend behaves?? He was never really your friend. If he was, he wouldn't treat you this way.  He's not your friend, and he doesn't have your interests in mind. Only his own. Remember that when things die down and he eventually wants to start things up again. Who needs a "friend" that treats you like crap?

When you feel like messaging him, post here instead. Lots of people here have been through this and can help. BTW, you need to assume that his BW will read anything you message to him now. 

This is something that stings the most, the loss of what I thought was friendship. Our affair wasn't just sex i could understand a bit more if it was. We once went 6 months between sex but we still saw each other often at least a few times a month.

On a side note today is the first day in over 300 days on our current app I haven't messaged him. I know it doesn't sound like a massive achievement, but it is a little tiny bit for me.

[Brokenhearted2020]

A lot of my friends claim he will try and come back once things calm down, I'm not so sure. They think there is a reason he hasn't blocked me from the app (Kik messenger). I'm separating from my husband and moving into my own place and they think he may try and come back if things go to plan at home. Basically I'm just the 2nd choice.

 

My husbands affair was 5 years ago and lasted two years. On his D Day I begged him to stay with me, he blocked the OW and I don't believe they've since been in contact.

 

I didnt mention but the D Day was between myself and my husband, a friend told him he has suspicions of our affair and when he asked me i admitted it. He then messaged MOM BW.

[ExpatInItaly]

He may come back, but he won’t stay back. 

If he had no plans to leave his wife, this was always going to end at some point. It still will, someday, even if it isn’t the last you ever hear from him. He will disappear again. 

[Allupinnit]

I hope you block him and do NOT allow him to come back.  He is protecting his wife with ZERO consideration for your feelings.  He asked you to lie for him!  Come on girl - THE NERVE!  Expecting you to lie to his wife for him LOLOL. That isn't going to change.  He's probably freaking out right now trying to get his W back and your reaching out to him is just irritating because he partly blames you for the situation he's in now.  He doesn't care that you're hurting - he only cares that his W is hurting.  His loyalty is to her and his family.  

I'm so sorry - I know the angst you feel and the heartbreak.  You want to know that you mattered.  YOU DO.  But you can't get that affirmation from a married man.  This is why affairs are always so destructive - to EVERYONE involved.  Nobody escapes an affair unscathed, even if it means you harbor a deep dark secret in your heart that keeps you from being allowed authenticity in your life.

 

[Luna66star]

The fact he was so willing to turn his back on you speaks volumes that you are not important to him.  Telling you not to message him anymore tells me he doesn't give one poopin rats as* that you were merely a toy he threw away.  You two were in love? 

Too many women stick around and tolerate crappy behavior from these guys.  

This guy is looking out for his own interests.  

You are wasting your time here!

  

[heartwhole2]

Knowing that you and your husband are separating, it's possible that it changes his calculus. Before you were both married so there was no risk of you expecting more. That may have made it an ideal arrangement. But it's really hard to say when he's dealing with fall-out, which he may partly blame you for since it was your husband's discovery that caused all of this. 

Why did your husband inform your AP's wife? Was it altruistic -- he's grown since his affair and realized the BW deserves autonomy over her life like you should have had -- or vengeful?

[OpenBook]

I had two very different reactions (at the same time) to this thread. Take whatever helps you, and blow off the rest.

I'm a bit mystified why you don't understand how he could drop you like a hot potato after being so "close" for all that time. You blew up the game he rigged! He had it made - worked out the kinks on the side with an adoring OW (really?? messaging him for the last 300 days?? did you do all the heavy lifting to maintain the A?) while keeping the status quo at home. Until your D-Day when your H contacted his W. He probably blames you for the mess he's in now. You have become a liability to him. That can kill the libido pretty quick.

When you're in a relationship (any relationship - boyfriend/girlfriend, married, affair), it's easy to assume the other person is experiencing the same thing you are - after all, you're both participating in the same experience. But that's not the reality. The other person is experiencing it differently from you. They're getting different things out of it. Reading different things into it. It means something different to them. They're in it for different reasons. I remember a LONG time ago reading about Ann Landers asking her long-married readers to write her about the state of their marriage, and she said she got glowing letters that were clearly written by one spouse, but the other spouse (probably the one who carried it to the post office) writing on the back of the envelope about how absolutely miserable they were. These were people who've been married forever! I guess you just never really know.

[jah526]

I get what you’re saying about missing the friendship. That’s what I missed the most too. But it was all really manipulation on his part. He knew I was lonely and going through a rough time, and he exploited that. It’s still hard to accept that there was no friendship, because acknowledging that is a huge blow to the ego. 

I think it’s not so much a matter of missing, but of trying to accept this difficult truth. And of realizing that this relationship does not determine your worth. Once you’re truly out of it, you will be free to build satisfying relationships with people who boost your self-esteem, and this will make a world of difference.

[Brokenhearted2020]

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Knowing that you and your husband are separating, it's possible that it changes his calculus. Before you were both married so there was no risk of you expecting more. That may have made it an ideal arrangement. But it's really hard to say when he's dealing with fall-out, which he may partly blame you for since it was your husband's discovery that caused all of this. 

Why did your husband inform your AP's wife? Was it altruistic -- he's grown since his affair and realized the BW deserves autonomy over her life like you should have had -- or vengeful 

I met the MOM the day after D Day as he claimed he wanted to clear the air, so he knows I will be more than likely separating. 

I think my husband informed of the affair for both reasons. He is distraught about it and he wanted BW to have the same knowledge as he did and also vengeful as said he couldn't deal with MOM walking around playing happy families, we live in a small town so it's likely we would run into them, whilst his life is ruined.

[Negotaurus]

I am sorry but what did you expect? You knew he was going to fight for his wife, you knew he wasn't yours, ever. Why do women hang onto such crap and then act surprised when the man acts like he doesn't care about you? 

[Brokenhearted2020]

Everyone who has posted here is right. I know I'm not thinking rationally. Even when I was in the affair he was very manipulative, constant blowing hot/cold. The 300 days on the one app we had was equally initiated I never felt like it was me keeping things going. I never wanted him to leave his BW for me although obviously if the situation was different I would want to be with him. I just feel so sad at the loss of him, after so long you do get sucked into the things he said even if deep down I knew he may just be saying those things to keep me hanging on. He had the best of both worlds back then.

[Zona]

I've known a few married players in my life and heard some of the gory details, usually over a few beers. They were good looking and charming and always had several women on the side in addition to the wife. If you think they are showing how great they are because they can go without sex for a while, it is very likely because they are getting plenty of sex from the other women in their life. Expecting a man who is cheating on his wife to be a paragon of virtue is just not reality.