do some people marry if they aren't attracted?

[QuietRiot]

I have a female friend of mine, divorced...that told me that her ex-husband (married to him for 10 years) told her the reason he wanted the divorce was simply because he did so for the sake of companionship...not because he was attracted. Apparently, he was never attracted to her...and they had 2 kids together. I was a bit baffled, but then I recalled  meeting a couple of women that said that they were never were attracted to their husbands.   Both of which they had kids together. Couldn't help but wonder they did so for the sake of having children...but it made me wonder how often this happens?

I also recall a woman in my area that said she was married for 10 years to a man she wasn't attracted to.

There was really no other reason, as their partners were loyal and good parents. I dunno, I just find it a bit weird that people kind stomach seeing each other naked and have sex without being attracted? Not sure if that computes? During the honeymoon, was the one not attracted just laid there?

[Emilie Jolie]

Emotionally immature people may get into a relationship with someone they're not attracted to at all (they want kids, fear of being alone, timing, practical or material considerations, lack of 'options'), I assume.

Or you can grow out of attraction with time.

Regardless, it's a pretty cruel, hurtful, insensitive thing to say to someone as a reason for leaving them. 

It smacks of bitterness and resentment.

[Azincourt]

Sure. I have friends of mine who married men and women they weren't attracted to, but did so because life is expensive when one's not being financially supported by their parents, and living with roomates in their 30s and 40s gets old and not a reliable way to pay the rent, so they end up married to someone they don't feel attracted to.

[BaileyB]

Attraction is very subjective. It’s not something you either have, or don’t have. Some days, I’m very attracted to my partner. Other days, when he is doing certain things, not so much. 

I think as you get older, physical attraction matter less and other things like companionship matter more. And that’s ok, I don’t know that anyone can maintain that feeling of “attraction” that you first have when you first meet.

Do some people marry others they are not attracted to - I’ sure they do. Perhaps, that attraction will grow with time. Perhaps it will fade. It depends on your definition of attraction, perhaps a revisionist memory, and how much you value physical attraction in a life partner. Something must have brought them together. For me, if I didn’t have some kind of attraction to my partner, it would be hard to be with the person. But, it’s not a “he makes me weak in the knees and gives me butterflies” kind of attraction - no anymore...

[Azincourt]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Attraction is very subjective. It’s not something you either have, or don’t have. Some days, I’m very attracted to my partner. Other days, when he is doing certain things, not so much. 

I think as you get older, physical attraction matter less and other things like companionship matter more. And that’s ok, I don’t know that anyone can maintain that feeling of “attraction” that you first have when you first meet.

Do some people marry others they are not attracted to - I’ sure they do. Perhaps, that attraction will grow with time. Perhaps it will fade. It depends on your definition of attraction, perhaps a revisionist memory, and how much you value physical attraction in a life partner. Something must have brought them together. For me, if I didn’t have some kind of attraction to my partner, it would be hard to be with the person. But, it’s not a “he makes me weak in the knees and gives me butterflies” kind of attraction - no anymore...

Depends on the age of the people involved. 

Physical attraction is very important to those who are in their 20s or 30s.  That's why many relationships never take off, or they do, but they fizzle down and end, because the physical attraction vanishes for one reason or another, and there's not enough of an emotional bond for the relationship to continue. As men and women age, and mostly impacts men more, as men lose their virility and sexual prowess,

Quote

''Up to half of men under 50 suffer from erectile dysfunction, research claims''

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Scientists say that impotence rates have more than doubled in the last 25 years as guys struggle to perform between the sheets.

Sex becomes less and less impotant.

I feel that, if people take care of themselves, sexual desire for one another can remain nearly as strong if not as strong as it was when they were 18 and had just met in college.

[carhill]

Legal partnerships often turn on factors other than primal desire. Also, for some, desire does not have to turn on physical and/or sexual attributes. Each person is different in their attraction style. I've witnessed some couples at the extreme end of this spectrum who are both widely attractive to others but barely look at or touch each other and have been married for decades. The aura is so strong I can feel it, the lack of physical attraction; it puzzles me sometimes because others would through themselves at either spouse they're so attractive. The marriages work though, for those people. Some I've known a number of years, some practically since they got married. I would hope attraction was there at some point but it's hard to read people's minds. I tend to observe actions and compare to words.

The first MW I encountered over 40 years ago told me directly she married at 18 to get out of the house and away from her abusive father. She married a good guy on paper, son of a fellow rancher, but they seemed to go sideways from the get go. She would go on to have a number of affairs, and apparently him too, as well as a couple kids, until they divorced some 25 years later. AFAIK, she's still with her exit affair partner now going on 15 years. I felt their attraction for each other, it was palpable. YMMV!

[Ruby Slippers]

I think some people just want to be in a relationship period and aren't really concerned about finding "the one," so just about anyone will do. Some people seem to put their financial and family goals first and pick based on that without much thought given to connection or attraction.

I went on a couple of dates a few years ago with a guy who, in not so many words, made it clear he was married to a woman for many years who was never really attracted to him. He was very attracted to her, which is what blinded him at first. 

[Azincourt]

I wouldn't say some. More likely most people who get married get married not to the person they want to get married to, but get married to the person who'll marry them. Belgium's divorce rate is at 89% and Portugal's divorce rate is at 90% for all marriages. Sweet baby Jesus. That's a lot of divorces. And a lot of kids that are going to grow up in a divorced household and are going to have severe trust issues.

There's a dude who lives in the building right next to mine. He's 30 years old, divorced, and changes girlfriend every 3 months, and his 10 year old son is a witness to all of this. I want to see how the boy is going to turn out 10 years from now.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Azincourt

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Physical attraction is very important to those who are in their 20s or 30s.  

Which is why I would say, to someone who is young it may seem unbelievable that two individuals who are not attracted to each other could be married. 

But attraction and what one may seek in a life partner changes and evolves over time. Attraction is one aspect of a relationship, but there are many other things to consider. So yes, I believe it is possible to be married to an individual you are not attracted to/certainly have lost attraction to over time...

[Azincourt]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Which is why I would say, to someone who is young it may seem unbelievable that two individuals who are not attracted to each other could be married. 

But attraction and what one may seek in a life partner changes and evolves over time. Attraction is one aspect of a relationship, but there are many other things to consider. So yes, I believe it is possible to be married to an individual you are not attracted to/certainly have lost attraction to over time...

Yeah, and people expecting a marriage to last a lifetime.  Back when the average lifespan was like 35 for men and a lot younger than that for women? Possible. But now people are getting into their 90s and one day we'll all be 100s years old and chilling. I dunno. It's possible. But it's also possible that there's intelligent life forms out there in the Universe, and are they ever going to land on the lawn of the White House?

If only people weren't so obsessed with sexual monogamy and would be partial to their husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping with people outside of the relationship.

[rjc149]

3 hours ago, Azincourt said:

As men and women age, and mostly impacts men more, as men lose their virility and sexual prowess,

I would beg to argue that aging has a more negative impact on a woman's sexual attractiveness, if that's what you meant. 

As such, women feel more pressure than men to get married and settle down, lest they're still single when they are over the hill. At some point, the attitude is "any man will do, just pick one for Christs sake! You're running out of time!" 

Female attraction also falls into a duality -- simply put, alphas and betas. Strong, attractive men who have many mating options, and weaker, less attractive men who can provide stability and commitment. Many women marry the latter to create a safe nest for children. 

 

[mark clemson]

I agree with those above who say it varies with different couples. There are many reasons to stay with a person and for some "attraction" may simply not be that important. Codependence, kids, morals, economics, even simple inertia. And probably many more I'm not thinking of.

Different strokes for different folks as they say.

[Weezy1973]

You can follow the line “do some people” with practically anything and the response will always be a “yes”. 
 

Attraction is complicated as are the reasons people get married. All things being equal, I would guess more unhappiness stems from people marrying based primarily on attraction, then the reverse. People can be content with someone compatible and create a happy life together even if they’re not particularly attracted to each other.

Also sexual compatibility has nothing to do with looks, but is much more important in a relationship. I don’t know if any long term couple that says the reason they lasted is because of their attraction towards one another. Honesty. Communication. Forgiveness. Etc.

In fact I remember reading an article about the most important trait that predicts a successful marriage. If was boring old dependability. 
 

That being said, people that are single often will have attraction high on their lists of must haves. And the actual aforementioned important traits rarely get a mention. Look at all the “settling” threads. Almost always about attraction. 

[DKT3]

Do people marry without physical attraction? Absolutely,  I would bet alot of women marry without physical attraction.  But I would also bet that 99% of women are attracted to their husbands on some level.  His intelligence,  his sense of humor,  his drive and determination etc.

I believe that we men are lower on the evolution chart and rarely marry without physical attraction. 

We see it every day,  with beautiful women married to (mah he is ok) type of guys. How often do we see the reverse?

[Happy Lemming]

Do you think Anna Nicole Smith was attracted to J. Howard Marshall??

 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you think Anna Nicole Smith was attracted to J. Howard Marshall??

 

Does being attracted to his money count?

 

[basil67]

@QuietRiot you're taking a rather modern approach to marriage.   Back in the day, while there undoubtedly would have been attraction between some couples (and the 'premature' babies born to newlyweds in my family tree is testament to that) marrying was about practicality.  He needed someone to maintain his house and cook his meals, and in return, she had financial security and babies.    

As women have become more financially independent, marriage is no longer a need, but a want.  And because it's not a need, the couple can marry for love and attraction.  But if you look at this question with the context of history, it's not an unusual thing to do at all.  

Being more open about people who are LGBT+ has also made a difference.  I know quite a number of older gay people who married because it was expected.  They did the best they could within the social construct of their time.   Of course, they have since divorced and are now living the life they always should have had.

[pepperbird]

4 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Yeah, and people expecting a marriage to last a lifetime.  Back when the average lifespan was like 35 for men and a lot younger than that for women? Possible. But now people are getting into their 90s and one day we'll all be 100s years old and chilling. I dunno. It's possible. But it's also possible that there's intelligent life forms out there in the Universe, and are they ever going to land on the lawn of the White House?

If only people weren't so obsessed with sexual monogamy and would be partial to their husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping with people outside of the relationship.

you know, there's nothing wrong with sleeping pruned if that's what both partners agree to and are open and honest about it, but not everyone finds that appealing.

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

@QuietRiot you're taking a rather modern approach to marriage.   Back in the day, while there undoubtedly would have been attraction between some couples (and the 'premature' babies born to newlyweds in my family tree is testament to that) marrying was about practicality.  He needed someone to maintain his house and cook his meals, and in return, she had financial security and babies.    

As women have become more financially independent, marriage is no longer a need, but a want.  And because it's not a need, the couple can marry for love and attraction.  But if you look at this question with the context of history, it's not an unusual thing to do at all.  

Being more open about people who are LGBT+ has also made a difference.  I know quite a number of older gay people who married because it was expected.  They did the best they could within the social construct of their time.   Of course, they have since divorced and are now living the life they always should have had.

Good point. It blew my mind one day when my 55+ year old female friend decided for the first time to come out of the closet and is now involved and living with another woman. Her entire life she had heterosexual relationships and a marriage. She could have turned Bi though. But she said the woman just did it for her, she just liked the idea of someone treating her well...I guess the gender didn't matter?

[Emilie Jolie]

14 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

told her the reason he wanted the divorce was simply because he did so for the sake of companionship

Regardless of the reasons, the fact your friend's husband actually told her upon separating that he was never attracted to her is rogue. 

[aymaneessadik]

Part of the causes might be lonliness or desperation, the human needs connection and might not be fulfilled with mutual friendships. He/she also migh be ugly to the standards, so he/she looks for somebody who's not out of his/her league. Anyway, there's people who marry other people just to feel wanted and the only way that was available they think is to find someone who's less good looking who will always appreciate them.

Edited June 19, 2020 by aymaneessadik

[understand50]

OK,

I also think we are forgetting that long term married couples will fall in and out of "love", "attraction", over the years.  This could because of weight gain, changes to personality, so fourth. During the time you are just not feeling it, you may stay because of kids, finances, regular and predictable sex, of just that you made a VOW.  Hopefully, you fall back into love or something else that works.  I think we place too much on SEX being the only thing that holds couples together.  There are many other things.  Just being to able to count on the other is helpful.  This is why "Cheating and Lying" is so damaging. Given the chose of marring a real "hot" but morally bad woman, with a bad personalty, or a woman who maybe not up to the currant societal expectations of  beauty, but who is loyal and easy to live with, I would take the woman with the better personalty.  There is truth, in the line in the song, "if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife"  Lastly, just what is beauty, and attraction?   I think you have to look at the whole package.

 

[gaius]

I married my wife because when our eyes meet, when we talk, when we touch and kiss it gives me a level of stimulation that I'd never experienced, glimpsed, or even imagined before she came along. It made me fall passionately in love with her. And as a selfish person I had no interest in allowing a high that powerful to slip through my fingers. 

It seems like a whole lot of relationships and marriages fall apart at the first little bump though and I can't relate to that. If you have someone who drives your head, heart and the rest of your body crazy you don't let them go easily. But people seem to throw their partners out like garbage all the time. Which means yeah, it's not always about attraction.