I'm still struggling....

[thebiglimp]

Guys im a month out and still not doing any better. 

Finding this sub has given me some comfort but i keep regressing back to my doubt. The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object. 

And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point) 

And she was a completely different person through the breakup. There was no respect. No love. No compassion. Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea. This was the same woman who for weeks had been telling me she loved me and planned a future together. It was as if a switch had turned off in her and in turn i became even more indignified through the shock. Kept texting and begging while she either ignores me or tells me she will block me, and that one reason she is not doing so is because i might turn stalker (What??). 

I ask her for compassion and maybe she offers it momentarily then back to rudeness.  

Then shes on a weekend trip couple days later with a new dude. Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Even lies to guilt trip me that shes texting from the danger of the night forest when in truth she is in her room charging her phone. But the guy must not be keen on her. Shes complaining about it the next day and chats me up as tho we havent broken up. The day after shes downright pissed. With the guy, and with me for trying to somewhat flirt. 

After coming home she cries to me on the phone. Turns out the guy was rude to her. But realizing the real reason i get angry. Then she blocks me. ('FU! im gonna stay single for the rest of my life!')

Next day i am even more angry because i see what i should have seen earlier- that she dumped me for this guy and emotionally cheated with him while stringing me along. 

I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone. And me so ashamed from that i still wanna be forgiven at this moment. It was an empty threat designed to get you to admit to my suspicion. Im sorry.  

Now I tried to write this as objectively as possible but the bottom line is i was heartbroken and she didnt seem to care. And checklisting for cluster b disorders does explain her extreme behavior but im no psychologist. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. The doubt that she could be ok and it was all a forced reaction how she was to me, and that a lot of the fault is mine leading up to the discard. And these thoughts do stall the process of moving on, i know, but its a price im paying for still caring deeply about her... Because I'd rather keep love and feel pain, instead of having just lies.

Thank you for reading and i appreciate any input. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to go 100% No Contact, for good. 

A month is not that long, in the grand scheme of things. It's going to take longer than that to really feel some emotional detachment from her. And yes, you do need to stop researching personality disorders. I know you're only trying to make sense of things, but you can see that it's not bringing you any genuine relief from the pain. 

You would be better off spending that time looking at how you can heal and understanding your own emotions. Threats, even empty ones, signal some serious emotional distress that needs addressing. I understand that you were not serious, but it's that you threatened to smear her to begin with which is cause for concern. Do you have good friends and family who can support you while you heal from this?

[d0nnivain]

This wasn't about you so much as after 2 months of LDR she found somebody else. 

The cruelty is doing you a favor.  It will help you move on & not come begging to get her back.  You now know the real her & you don't like that person so stay away. 

Healing takes a while & is not linear.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Hang in there.  

[schlumpy]

You can't get over it if you continue to contact her.  It's that simple. No advice here will help you do that. We can talk you through moments of weakness.

One good thing that will come from this. This experience will change you, so that in the future, it will be unlikely to happen again.

I liked that had a moment of anger but it was misdirected. Your anger should be used to motivate you to maintain NC, not to further engage. 

One month is not a useful measure. Start thinking six months and then reevaluate. 

[Emilie Jolie]

This roller-coaster of emotions can't be good for your mental state, thebiglimp.

You are still exposing yourself to this toxic, dysfunctional back-and-forth of your own free will.

Get yourself out of that roller-coaster and don't look back - you seem self-aware, you can see you are not bringing the best out of each other. Get yourself back on track, aim higher and leave this chaotic situation in your rear-view mirror.

You can do it, thebiglump!

[Ruby Slippers]

I suggest you cut off all contact for a while. Maybe you can have some communication on down the line, but right now it's not at all helpful.

I just broke up with someone last week. After getting through the first few days, now I'm focusing on my missteps along the way and how I can do better next time.

My mantra right now is basically this: "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one." I'm avoiding dwelling upon memories with him and what ifs, focusing on what's next day by day and improving my outlook.

[thebiglimp]

I know two wrongs dont make a right but...  what about the way she discarded me? 

Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

See my mind keeps flipping between guilt and vindication because i just cant explain the flip. Never in my years of dating did i see something like it.. 

[thebiglimp]

and thank you for everyones advise so far.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, thebiglimp said:

I know two wrongs dont make a right but...  what about the way she discarded me? 

Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

This suggests you've been reading material about narcissists. Have you?

[thebiglimp]

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This suggests you've been reading material about narcissists. Have you?

Yes, haha.

I felt that her extreme behavior requires extreme explanation and so far it matches up but i am on the fence. I dont wanna demonize her like that.

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This suggests you've been reading material about narcissists. Have you?

Good Call.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, thebiglimp said:

I felt that her extreme behavior requires extreme explanation and so far it matches up but i am on the fence. I dont wanna demonize her like that.

And you're not in any position to diagnose her, either. Neither are we. 

You need to let go of the urge to have all of her behaviour explained in a way that is "satisfactory" to you. It isn't going to help you let go; it will keep you stuck. 

[ShyViolet]

You're questioning her mental health, yet look how you yourself have behaved.  You threatened to 'smear" her and to interfere with her job, you scared her so much that she disabled her social media and changed her phone number, according to you.  That is not ok.  Stop worrying about her mental health and worry about your own.

She "discarded you" because she did not want to be with you anymore.  End of story.  You need to STOP contacting her, stop this dysfunctional back-and-forth, stop worrying about what she may or may not be doing with another guy.  It's none of your business now.