How to Ask Someone to Be Your Girlfriend? Share Your Experience :

[Pulasari]

Dear all,

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for making this an informative, interactive and helpful platform. I would like to know... how one can get a girlfriend, and maybe a little bit of your story.

My story? I had one (only one) before, but she was the one who asked me to become her 'sweetheart'. She was kindhearted, mature, emphatic and a smart (a young medical specialist) person, and she wanted to find someone who in her eye, a pious man. After a few months of dating (with no physical contact, both of us prefer it that way), she asked me during dinner if I would to meet her parents and eventually ask for her hand. It took me a few weeks (because of my nature of work where I would sometimes go abroad for weeks/months) to answer her.

But, I decided not to because deep down even though I really love her, but I don't think that I could fulfil the conditions she set. It would hurt her heart and I believe it wouldn't be fair for her as well. Now, she's happily married to someone, I think she's expecting a baby this year, We've lost contact since her last latter (we often send letters to each other).

Till today, I am pretty shy meeting with women outside of professional settings. Recently I approached (online) a woman who was 6000 km apart, but I've met her before when whe was finishing her master's degree in my country. Long story short, I confessed (first time in my life 😅) to her (via online) after 3 months of online/video chatting and... Got "rejected... I guess". Nevermind,  probably I was not that lucky . You can read the full story here.

After going through tons of youtube videos, forums (like loveshack) and some relationship books, I can say that I fall for her to fast, and the idea of confessing to someone who is not "nearby" was not a smart move.

 

Before the corona virus, my life was all about getting the best grades, getting into the best university, getting the best job and slowly partaking in my family's business. I'm "fortunate" to be born to my family, to be offered with lots of opportunities in life, and I am grateful for that. But during the pandemic / in-contact with her, I had time to reflect in ilife and decided that I want I refocused myself into building a relationship, and... haha I blew it with "flying colours" 😅. Right now, I'm just trying to move on...

So, my questions are:

1. I know I can ask a girl out (took some advice from here after posting my rejection story), but how to move from an 'acquaintance' to something more than that?
2. Does confessing one's feeling is always a good approach?
3. How not to miss-interpret a woman's communication "style". I didn't know if I was blinded before or just plain naive thinking that she shared the same feeling as me.
4. So basically, how one's get a "sweetheart"?
5. I hope to hear you experience as well (I just want to learn)

p/s: My family was thinking of arranging my marraige (not a fan of the concept) cause most of my family members'  marriage were arranged. I prefer to find someone by myself if you ask me.

 

Thank you and have a nice day.

[d0nnivain]

You need to find somebody to date before you find a GF or a sweetheart.  Local is better then long distance.  If you are on line set your parameters to no more then 80 km / 50 miles.  Lower is better.  You want this to be convenient.   If your family has women they want to introduce you to, let them make the introduction for a date, not necessarily marriage but it's good to meet lots of people.  Finding the one is a numbers game.  

If you are already meeting & getting to know someone in real life you must be able to read the signals.  The big ones are eye contact, laughing at your jokes & her touching you.  At least those are cues in Western cultures.  I'm not sure about where you are from.  Do see how she treats others.  If she is paying more attention to you & going out of her way to see you, that is a good sign. It's rarely a good idea to become involved with somebody you work with.  In a work context if you are not experienced & aren't good at reading social cues you will most likely mistake generalized friendliness for interest.  That will get you into hot water. 

You ask a girl to meet you for a drink, take a walk or just do something.  You have to ask.  You have to plan & you have to execute. 

As you go on dates you get to know each other -- you talk.  You also touch each other:  hand holding, hugs, maybe a peck on the cheek graduating to kissing. 

At some point you ask if she wants to be exclusive, date only you.  At that point you determine if you are both open to premarital sex & you discuss medical sexual history & possibly get tested for STDs.  You use condoms for 6 months then get re-tested.  At that point after you have been exclusive & monogamous with condoms for 6 months you can discuss other methods of BC besides condoms.  

 

Never ever confess or announce your feelings before you start dating someone.  Those kids of disclosures make things awkward for everybody.  It's not socially responsible.  The unexpected disclosure is often unwelcome.  You look creepy not like somebody she would want to date.  By the very act of asking her to go on a date with her you have communicated interest.  That is enough in the beginning.  

Edited June 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[smackie9]

Everything should happen organically..there is no step by step process. You read the signals and proceed from there. A date is not an "acquaintance" a date is romantic interest/curiosity/attraction. They say yes because they find you attractive and have interest in getting to know you. They are not robots, the ladies feel their way through a date with their emotions. It's all about knowing social cues, body language, expression, touch, flirting, and her eagerness to accept each date. It's called game, showing off your personality, sense of humor, and making her feel desired.

[Pulasari]

 

On 6/18/2020 at 11:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

You need to find somebody to date before you find a GF or a sweetheart.  Local is better then long distance.  If you are on line set your parameters to no more then 80 km / 50 miles.  Lower is better.  You want this to be convenient.   If your family has women they want to introduce you to, let them make the introduction for a date, not necessarily marriage but it's good to meet lots of people.  Finding the one is a numbers game.  

Hi @d0nnivain

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

I do agree with the statement that long distance is not always the best option. I'm right now thinking either to relocate myself to another country (better not commit to anyone for the moment being) next year or pursuing a PHD (just stick to local then).

My family did introduced me to some girls before, basically the ones that my mother approves (she preferes that I'd stick with my race). But, I should be open and just go and meet them. 

On 6/18/2020 at 11:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

If you are already meeting & getting to know someone in real life you must be able to read the signals.  The big ones are eye contact, laughing at your jokes & her touching you.  At least those are cues in Western cultures.  I'm not sure about where you are from.  Do see how she treats others.  If she is paying more attention to you & going out of her way to see you, that is a good sign. It's rarely a good idea to become involved with somebody you work with.  In a work context if you are not experienced & aren't good at reading social cues you will most likely mistake generalized friendliness for interest.  That will get you into hot water. 

You ask a girl to meet you for a drink, take a walk or just do something.  You have to ask.  You have to plan & you have to execute. 

As you go on dates you get to know each other -- you talk.  You also touch each other:  hand holding, hugs, maybe a peck on the cheek graduating to kissing. 

I've been asked out recently by this chinese girl for lunch, dinner (three times for the past week). She's nice, kinda ambitious... She made some move by poking me around sometimes and hug me at the end of each meeting (I'm not really use too hugging before and I would become a little bit stiff each time 😅). That's the thing, I dont really know if it's just being friendly, or for an interest (the same mistake I made with the one that "rejected" me recently).

Hand holding? A peak on a cheek? (Just used to the normal French bise, haha) Kissing? Hahaha... those are the things that I've never done before, accept when this French girl asked me out and took my hand and put it on the waist (it was so, unnatural for me). I guess because of my upbringging that I have hard times to do all this.

On 6/18/2020 at 11:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

At some point you ask if she wants to be exclusive, date only you.  At that point you determine if you are both open to premarital sex & you discuss medical sexual history & possibly get tested for STDs.  You use condoms for 6 months then get re-tested.  At that point after you have been exclusive & monogamous with condoms for 6 months you can discuss other methods of BC besides condoms.  

What? Haha.. maybe not for now. I cant even hold a girl hand properly (work on this first).

On 6/18/2020 at 11:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

Never ever confess or announce your feelings before you start dating someone.  Those kids of disclosures make things awkward for everybody.  It's not socially responsible.  The unexpected disclosure is often unwelcome.  You look creepy not like somebody she would want to date.  By the very act of asking her to go on a date with her you have communicated interest.  That is enough in the beginning.  

I did that, and... it did not worked out well. So, yeah... how do you know if someone has feelings and to confirm it? I am really lost, cause... I just don't know how to move from being a friend, to something more than that. If not through confession, what are the things that people do to "confess"?

[Pulasari]

19 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Everything should happen organically..there is no step by step process. You read the signals and proceed from there. A date is not an "acquaintance" a date is romantic interest/curiosity/attraction. They say yes because they find you attractive and have interest in getting to know you. They are not robots, the ladies feel their way through a date with their emotions. It's all about knowing social cues, body language, expression, touch, flirting, and her eagerness to accept each date. It's called game, showing off your personality, sense of humor, and making her feel desired.

So... you go out on dates, multiple times... and then? You tell her that you like her? Or wait till she tells you? I really don't know

[smackie9]

You go out on dates and you observe her body language, her facial expressions, they way she dresses for you, if she laughs and smiles a lot, reaches out to touch you, accepts you holding your hand when you take her out to the car, the way she looks into your eyes, give her a compliment on her dress "That dress looks stunning on you, is that new?" Ya got to build up the sexual tension with flirting, smiling, strong eye contact...confidence wins the girl over. She knows you like her when you keep asking her out on dates, when you kiss her, and when you make out with her. Depending on the girl you ask for exclusivity before sex. Some are sex first exclusivity talk later.

Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9