Husband spending time with girl friends over wife

[UnicornOfWut]

This is such an ongoing issue that I have a lot of context to write, but I will start with a tl;dr for those who don't want to read the whole thing.

Short version: My husband never makes time for me, he spends 7 days a week on freelance projects, I sleep alone and wake up alone every day. Mind you I am the breadwinner and always have been, but still always prioritized time with him. To get to the point, his female friend (bisexual with a live-in girlfriend, she admitted to having a crush on my husband in the past as well) invited him over to help her and her gf put together bookshelves. About a month ago he asked if I was ok with ir, I reluctantly said yes even though I wasn't. Then the night before I told him I was uncomfortable and it feels inappropriate, he is taking the day off to spend time with them when he doesn't do that for me, and also I don't think a husband should in the majority of cases be staying over at a girl's home alone by himself. He got mad, yelled at me, and went anyway. For 6 hours he was there. Now he refuses to apologize because he feels justified since I approved it a month ago. I don't think I can get past this without an apology and a resolution, but he refuses. I don't know what to do, I feel emotionally cheated on since he is emotionally unavailable to me but made time for them. 

 

Long version with relationship context: 

So we have lived together for 6 years, married almost a year. In the past almost all our problems revolved around his unwillingness to work. He always put his gaming hobbies (livestreaming) above everything. I have always financially supported us because I have always been a hard worker. I grinded myself to daily tears and deep depression from worrying about both present and future finances because I had to burden it alone. I went through a hard time at work not making as much from a new job I took on, all my savings from my hard working single days were dwindled down to almost nothing, I felt like I had to consider bankruptcy if things didn't improve. I cried every day. I was so stressed. This went on for about 2 years. Husband still prioritized his livestream time, he would be in his game room 14+ hours a day streaming video games for pennies, and any time else he would either be out socializing or sleeping. I rarely even got quality time with him, that has always been a struggle. He has no issue letting me pay for a roof over our head and the computers he uses, but still refused to work. He did cave a couple times, got a part time job in fast food, but when he worked there he never paid a single bill, so it didn't help us at all. It was short lived anyway, couple months.

Finally he used his charisma (he is extremely charming and that's why he gets away with stuff) to somehow land a good paying job in Los Angeles, and finally he helped financially. It didn't last long though, he would come home and complain about his work and say how miserable he was and how he thought the startup he was working for was going to go out of business in "6 months tops." So of course I freaked out about it, thinking if his job actually folded in 6 months how I would be wasting so much money struggling to support us in such an expensive city. So I moved us to Texas, got us a house, paid off our car, everything, I just asked that he would get a job to which he agreed. For a long time he didn't even try to, all he put his attention on was streaming, gaming, or social opportunities. Quality time with me, once again, was not ever prioritized either. Finally after about 8 months and countless tears, pleading, and bouts of frustration on my part he got a telemarketing job. He had high hopes he would succeed, he's very sure of himself with most things, overconfidence to a fault. Unfortunately it was a very predatory type job, he would be gone 12+ hours a day and made so little money that he couldn't contribute anyway. He was scolded for not reaching goals. Everyone around him was reaching their goals and he wasn't. I suspect because of his adhd he talked to each customer too long maybe, but either way it was not good for him or us, so I suggested he quit while I continued to support him while he tried other things. I couldn't handle seeing him so stressed and miserable.

Now jump to lately, his stream has taken off a little bit because a handful of women watch him and they give him hundreds of dollars every month. He can pay utilities now which definitely does help some and is appreciated. It's nowhere near a 50/50 financial split, but still appreciated. I've encouraged him to continue his stream stuff and have been happy that it has taken off a little bit. Not that everything was perfect, he streams 7 days a week mostly and makes YouTube videos every day as well. I go to bed alone and wake up alone more days than not. I have felt terribly neglected for a very long time. I don't feel like a wife, or like a priority. I've spent over half a decade giving and giving everything I have to him while the majority of the time he wouldn't work or make time for me at all. I have asked him in the past to at least help with housework when he wasn't contributing with work, and maybe once a week he would do something, but bare minimum. Though he has always done well with running errands/ picking up stuff from the grocery store for me that I pay for, so I do have to give him credit there.

Things have been rocky for most of our relationship. When things are good it's like a dream. It's everything I could have ever wanted. Unfortunately those times aren't that common, they don't last long. I have to shut up and put up with stuff to keep any kind of peace. On top of it all, he is so sweet and kind on stream and to everyone around him, but I'm the punching bag. All his stress he takes out on me. He is regularly grumpy and angry/ short tempered with me. We could be having a good day and he will ruin it for no reason to nag at me over something, or just talk down to me. That's what started our last blowup before this one, we almost split up, it was so bad. He was helping me with setting up some decorations, I was cheerful and fine but I asked him to adjust the lamp and he got angry and aggressive with me because he was in a mood and apparently he had it right all along and I was wrong to question it. I was upset about it, so he tried even more to hurt me. He brought up a video game character's butt in the heat of an argument to hurt me, which is so trivial and stupid, but regardless it was his way of making me feel insecure. He denies it but it's the truth, he says it was innocent conversation. If it were an innocent conversation he would have done so when we were good, not when we were in the middle of an argument. I was deeply hurt, everything else compiled from all the built up pain over the years, I went off on him way too hard, we were right there on the brink of divorce. I regretted that and apologized and made it right. He didn't accept any responsibility whatsoever in that, I shouldered it all to save our marriage.

Now fast forward a bit, about a month. After we made up he said he was invited to his friend's house, who is a bisexual girl. She has admitted to having a crush on him before but they never dated and they stayed friends, she has a girlfriend too. Last year I went to meet them at a birthday party. They got wasted drunk, both were flirting with every guy there, and they were twerking constantly in tiny bikinis. No judgment for how they live and act, but it's just not my scene and I was extremely uncomfortable. I am very introverted and very much a nerd, my idea of a good time is playing video games with friends and eating pizza, so while I don't judge the way they have fun, it simpky was so far out of my comfort zone and not for me. So anyway, last month they asked my husband to help them unpack at their apartment, he asked if I wanted to go and I said I was so uncomfortable last time and didn't want to. Something like a restaurant or whatever to get to know them better I could handle, but I didn't want to be trapped in their home for hours. My husband asked if I was ok with him going, and while I was uncomfortable I reluctantly said yes because we already just had problems and I was trying to keep the peace. Now lately I've felt neglected and lonely over how he never spends quality time with me, it has been a huge struggle, but I was trying to not make an issue. Then Sunday rolls around and I wanted to tell him how I felt. I told him I felt neglected and that it was a slap in the face that he would take time off to spend with these two girls but he doesn't do that for me. He got mad, blew up on me, yelled at me, etc. He can't be reasoned with due to how his toxic family acted while he grew up. No matter how calm I am, if I bring up any issue big or small, he gets toxic and talks terribly to me. So I wait later that night after he calmed down and told him I'm straight up uncomfortable with him going to their home, it is inappropriate for a married man to be in a woman's house alone for hours on end in my opinion, I just had a bad feeling about it. Mind you this is the ONLY time I have ever told him I was uncomfortable with him going anywhere, in 6 years I had never done this except this one time, and he has hung out with countless friends, male and female. So again it turns into an argument and sure enough he went anyway. I feel betrayed, like he chose those women over his own wife. He was there for at least 6 hours, I felt very uncomfortable and flat out disrespected. We are on VERY fragile ground ever since. He refuses to apologize and make it right. Just a simple apology and agreement to work on a solution to build my trust again would repair our whole marriage, but he refuses and he is so arrogant about it. He would rather get a divorce than apologize for this, that's how stubborn he is. He is like a different person, ever since his stream has remotely taken off he is so consumed with arrogance and has made a policy that he will never apologize to me over anything.

We're seeing a therapist tomorrow, but I don't know if even that could help. He has such a hard heart right now. On his stream he is so fun loving and kind, but he is not that way to me most of the time and it is extremely hurtful. I feel like I have been so taken advantage of our entire relationship, I'm a doormat while he takes takes takes from me, and now he can't even offer kindness in return. I absolutely cannot move forward without a resolution though, I feel betrayed and emotionally cheated on when he is not emotionally available to me but he is to other women who he prioritizes over me. I rolled over last time, I roll over ALL the time, and in the end he respects me less and less for it and mistreats me more.

It's so hard. I am at a loss right now. The more you do for people the worse they treat you. I feel so empty and so defeated. I don't know what to do.

 

[d0nnivain]

You knew what kind of a person he was before you married him.  Why did you marry him?  

Since you originally lied & said you were OK with him going to put up the bookshelves I can understand why he went even after you changed your mind.  If you had said no from the outset, he would have been in the wrong for going.  So I don't think you will get an apology.  

Maybe the therapist can help you with your communications issues but that isn't going to stop his partying lazy ways.  He has to want to stop.  He doesn't want to stop.  He's having too much fun.  

I don't really see your marriage lasting, sorry.  

[spiritedaway2003]

I think you've enabled him too much, financially and in other areas. 

He might be lazy before you met him, but it looks like he had also become too dependent on you (maybe you are co-dependent). It sounds like you're even helping him make decisions about his job.  It is interesting that you moved to a lower COL state in advance of your fear that his company would fold or encouraging his leaving telemarketing job, even when you are clearly stressed about your financial situation (to the point where you are even considering bankruptcy).  I don't know why you would continue to enable him on the job front.

I don't know if you had previously raised your concerns to him that he doesn't spend quality time with you before.  Make sure you separate the issues.  1. You want to spend quality time with him.  2.  You feel uncomfortable with him going to another woman's house.

Therapy might help with the communication, but that won't solve a lot of the issues. Do you know what it is that you want him to do?  Find a full time job and abandon his freelance projects?  If he chooses not to find a "real job", would that be a deal-breaker for you? 

[notbroken]

Your husband is NEVER going to be much help financially (certainly not for long).   He is a user.  Plain and simple.  He is using you.   Why do you put up with him?  Why stay married to a guy like that?   As hard as it is 'rip the bandaid off' and divorce him.   Don't be surprised when he does the same to the next woman in his life. 

[usa1ah]

He sounds like a freeloader not a husband. 
 

He also sounds childish. Talk it out, if he won’t listen to reason then you have to decide if it is worth staying married to him. 
 

Filing for divorce might be the wake up call he needs. 
 

My 21 year old son even knows bills have to be paid. He works full time and starting his senior year of college. fun and YouTube come afterwards. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why on earth did you marry this person?

He sounds like he barely even likes you. I can’t fathom what you’re still doing there. 

[mark clemson]

I tend to agree he is a user or at least that his dream of making it big via Twitch or what have you has not come to fruition. You could choose to either continue with the status quo that makes you miserable or, while this is not a recommendation, consider divorcing. A third option would be to firmly insist he give working a regular job another shot.

Honestly the visit to the co-worker's house seems the least of your worries here (assuming there was no infidelity). If you honestly believe there WAS infidelity, then take what action you feel is appropriate in response to that.

On 6/18/2020 at 9:56 AM, UnicornOfWut said:

I rolled over last time, I roll over ALL the time, and in the end he respects me less and less for it and mistreats me more.

^^^^ this seems to be the crux of your problem overall. Time to start laying down the law and sticking with it IMO.

[elaine567]

If you have a car I  suggest you load all his stuff into it and take him round to his bisexual friends and leave him there.
Pack up all your stuff, sell up and go live where he cannot find you.
You will NEVER be happy as long as this guy is in your life.