Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[SS2855]

I’ve been in a relationship with an MM for almost 2 years. As many in here have said before it’s been the most soul sucking experience of my life. Met at work, didn’t ever imagine anything to happen, etc. Every day is a battle in my head of what am I doing in a relationship of sorts that has no future. We communicate daily and more so since lockdown but every so often he will love bomb me with the sudden “I miss you so much”, you’re everything, you are always on my mind” followed by a beautiful song lyrics or some other show of affection and adoration. Then will still show caring and sincerity but almost feels as if he’s holding back only to again come on very strong. I let myself float away with these strong convictions only to dip down when he goes back to still being sweet but just more tempered. I’m sure par for the course but is this behavior common with MM to their OW? Is this the roller coaster?  We’re very close and I’m usually the one that holds back. Btw this has been through the duration of the last couple years. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

For sure! Mainly because he has no way of doing the action part that supports those empty words. He knows he can’t give you a real relationship so he lays it on thick so you don’t start looking around for a REAL relationship that takes the normal path of dating and progressing into a future.

so you see - he knows he is the roadblock to you having a future.

what is your end goal with this affair?

[Lurker123]

Welcome OP. Yes this is the rollercoaster of an affair you are experiencing. Sounds exactly the same as what I have gone through over the last 18 months! He will of course intensify his words if he feels you pulling away... this is how he keeps you dangling on the hook! What actions has he followed these words up with may I ask?

I am probably not the best person to give advice right now as I have just ended things and gone NC. It’s hard but I feel a sense of relief strangely even though I do miss him. I think realistically I miss the attention and his words, but that’s all they ever were- nothing more. He lied to me for over a year saying he was leaving but it was just excuse after excuse. He just wanted his cake and to eat it- the same as your MM. The truth is when it finally ended, he really didn’t care and let me walk away. I was never anything but a distraction to him and some occasional sex! This has all become clear now and trust me when it does, you’ll be glad to be out of it! 

Walk away, recover from this and then find someone who can give you what you deserve, not just empty words and false promises along with wasting many more years of your future.  

[SS2855]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

For sure! Mainly because he has no way of doing the action part that supports those empty words. He knows he can’t give you a real relationship so he lays it on thick so you don’t start looking around for a REAL relationship that takes the normal path of dating and progressing into a future.

so you see - he knows he is the roadblock to you having a future.

what is your end goal with this affair?

No end goal really. We work very closely together which adds a whole other layer of complexity. He’s never promised a future but is a bit of a romantic so will often get swept up in “us” and then will quickly pull back. I’ve never asked for more as I know he would never leave and tbh I wouldn’t want a someone that would just up and leave a family (I know). So end goal is there really isn’t one. 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

So end goal is there really isn’t one. 

So then, why dally... I ask sincerely, he is engaging in behavior that puts the stability and safety of his family at risk and - for what purpose? You haven’t said if you are married or not, perhaps you do the same thing?

You call it soul sucking, and you have no end goal, so I ask sincerely, what is your purpose here. It doesn’t seem to be bringing you joy or happiness, there is no future in this relationship, if you are discovered it could be absolutely devastating to your careers and his family... is the pleasure worth the pain, the benefit worth the cost?

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

Welcome OP. Yes this is the rollercoaster of an affair you are experiencing. Sounds exactly the same as what I have gone through over the last 18 months! He will of course intensify his words if he feels you pulling away... this is how he keeps you dangling on the hook! What actions has he followed these words up with may I ask?

I am probably not the best person to give advice right now as I have just ended things and gone NC. It’s hard but I feel a sense of relief strangely even though I do miss him. I think realistically I miss the attention and his words, but that’s all they ever were- nothing more. He lied to me for over a year saying he was leaving but it was just excuse after excuse. He just wanted his cake and to eat it- the same as your MM. The truth is when it finally ended, he really didn’t care and let me walk away. I was never anything but a distraction to him and some occasional sex! This has all become clear now and trust me when it does, you’ll be glad to be out of it! 

Walk away, recover from this and then find someone who can give you what you deserve, not just empty words and false promises along with wasting many more years of your future.  

Thank you Lurker and hope your well. I’ve read your posts and hoping each day is getting better. The yo- yo of this all is intense and I can’t seem to pull out. The MM is a very close friend and we also work together very closely and have become like business partners. On the days he sweeps me away I feel like life is grand and I can breathe. On the days he feels distant I’m doing mental gymnastics wondering why and watching my phone for a message. Before lockdown we saw each other a couple times a week for lunch and then traveled quite a bit together for work so lots of nights spent together. We haven’t seen each other since but have messaged daily ( not re: work) and as restrictions easing he mentioned last week he wants to see me this week even if it’s just to take a walk. He hasn’t come to me yet with a plan and I won’t bring it up (I’m typically good at holding back as I don’t like looking needy even though I am). Of course I want to see him so much but in a weird way I don’t because the down afterwards is always less fun. Basically I put on a happy face and crumbling inside and have been since day one.

[SS2855]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So then, why dally... I ask sincerely, he is engaging in behavior that puts the stability and safety of his family at risk and - for what purpose? You haven’t said if you are married or not, perhaps you do the same thing?

You call it soul sucking, and you have no end goal, so I ask sincerely, what is your purpose here. It doesn’t seem to be bringing you joy or happiness, there is no future in this relationship, if you are discovered it could be absolutely devastating to your careers and his family... is the pleasure worth the pain, the benefit worth the cost?

These are good questions. I’m a MW with children as well. I’ve asked my spouse for a divorce and we started the process right before lockdown. I know some will think I’m ending my M in hopes the MM will leave his but no- I know he will not, I’ve never asked. I’m doing it because me and H have been practically living separate lives for years, no intimacy and a host of other reasons. Looking back I realize I was ripe for an affair. My personal end goal? To divorce and start over with a chance at an honest loving full time relationship. I suppose I have this thought that once I’m single I’ll have the courage and desire for more and it will be easier to leave MM too. You mention joy and happiness- I think having him in my life brings me this because we are so incredibly close and there is love there. I don’t know why I don’t want to lose the affair even like you said there is so much pain while in it.

[Lurker123]

@SS2855 everything you are saying is resonating with me! I used to do the exact same, pull back, sometimes ignore the odd message here and there, never send the first text etc.. it almost used to make me feel more wanted/needed when he reached out to me. Sometimes if I pulled back he would become even more emotionally gushy towards me and it used to make me feel ‘safe’ when he acted that way towards me. The hellish times which increased towards the end were the times when he used to take ages to respond to messages, didn’t seem to care at all when I pulled back, and this effectively made me more needy and increased my anxiety and insecurity ten fold. It felt like I’d lost the power and that’s when I realised it was a slippery slope down hill to even more misery as I had ‘lost my grip’. 

I used to feel so much excitement when I knew he was coming to see me, I would spend ages getting ready, clean my house, make him lunch, buy him silly presents. He’d stay long enough for sex and a chat and then be gone. The moment he walked out the door I’d crash emotionally, ill even admit to running back to bed and just sobbing into the pillow, breathing in his scent. I’d then pick up my children from school minutes after I wiped my eyes and would spend the rest of the day in anguish- just waiting for him to send a text acknowledging how ‘amazing’ it was to see me. 

i would urge you to end this. I feel your pain and it really isn’t worth it. Has MM ever proved via his actions how he intends to move forward? Now would be a great time. You don’t have to see him for a while at work if you are at home  and you will have a few weeks headspace to get yourself together. I know it’s easier said then done, people have been urging me to do it for the past year on here- but I promise you it will be worth it to not go through many more years of pain. 

 

[SS2855]

12 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

@SS2855 everything you are saying is resonating with me! I used to do the exact same, pull back, sometimes ignore the odd message here and there, never send the first text etc.. it almost used to make me feel more wanted/needed when he reached out to me. Sometimes if I pulled back he would become even more emotionally gushy towards me and it used to make me feel ‘safe’ when he acted that way towards me. The hellish times which increased towards the end were the times when he used to take ages to respond to messages, didn’t seem to care at all when I pulled back, and this effectively made me more needy and increased my anxiety and insecurity ten fold. It felt like I’d lost the power and that’s when I realised it was a slippery slope down hill to even more misery as I had ‘lost my grip’. 

I used to feel so much excitement when I knew he was coming to see me, I would spend ages getting ready, clean my house, make him lunch, buy him silly presents. He’d stay long enough for sex and a chat and then be gone. The moment he walked out the door I’d crash emotionally, ill even admit to running back to bed and just sobbing into the pillow, breathing in his scent. I’d then pick up my children from school minutes after I wiped my eyes and would spend the rest of the day in anguish- just waiting for him to send a text acknowledging how ‘amazing’ it was to see me. 

i would urge you to end this. I feel your pain and it really isn’t worth it. Has MM ever proved via his actions how he intends to move forward? Now would be a great time. You don’t have to see him for a while at work if you are at home  and you will have a few weeks headspace to get yourself together. I know it’s easier said then done, people have been urging me to do it for the past year on here- but I promise you it will be worth it to not go through many more years of pain. 

 

Wow very similar experiences! And I completely get the power struggle of wanting to have that grip and the agony when you feel like he “has the ball”. Can I ask did you finally end it? What ended up happening? I don’t think my MM has any plan. I do think he loves me. I do. I think he knows he can’t give me the full package. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

My personal end goal? To divorce and start over with a chance at an honest loving full time relationship.

Is this affair really helping you to move closer to this goal? You initiated divorce, moving closer to this goal. I would say that your involvement in a dead end relationship is actually drawing you further away...

Quote

I suppose I have this thought that once I’m single I’ll have the courage and desire for more and it will be easier to leave MM too. You mention joy and happiness- I think having him in my life brings me this because we are so incredibly close and there is love there. 

I doubt it. Read these boards, the longer that people stay involved, moving through life with no end game, “doing what feels good in the moment,” the harder it becomes to walk away...

And not to dismiss your feelings when you are together, but this relationship is an illusion... It is a fantasy, two people coming together when they shouldn’t... there is nothing real or tangible about it. He can not offer anything more, this relationship will not bring you peace and comfort during a lonely night (or pandemic), it will not bring you the joy that comes from an intimate, authentic, committed relationship with another person. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

 I don’t think my MM has any plan. I do think he loves me. I do. I think he knows he can’t give me the full package. 

Does he have to have a plan? He is enjoying the comfort of home and family and also enjoying the affection of another woman on the side... seems to me like he has the perfect plan, if this is his intention.

It’s entirely possible that he is perfectly happy with the way things are right now. No need to change anything.

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Zona]

Just out of curiosity, does you husband know you have been having a long term affair? It would likely help him understand why you have been so distant and why you have avoided intimacy with him.

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I suppose I have this thought that once I’m single I’ll have the courage and desire for more and it will be easier to leave MM too. 

I made this mistake too. Left my husband, a good honest man who had been loyal and kind to me for 15 years. I thought once I left him it would spur MM on to do the same. I didn’t work. If anything it probably pushed him in the other direction- I was ‘lower risk’ when I had something to lose. I don’t regret leaving my husband- but I did it for the wrong reasons. I’ve now been ‘single’ 18 months. Friends ask me why I didn’t go on dates, why am I not meeting men and entering into a new relationship? The truth was because I wasn’t ‘single’ I was tied in with MM and even though I was loyal to him, I still spent every night, weekend, Christmas, birthday, holidays alone. He was not there for me when I needed him. 
 

This ended recently. We agreed to be friends at the beginning of the year and I started to move on with my life. He didn’t like it and came back begging, saying he was a mess and had decided he couldn’t live without me blah blah. Of course it was what I had wanted to hear for 18 months, immediately gave in, to find he had booked a weeks holiday with his family he was going on the week after and then he came straight back to the pandemic situation. Since then things gradually went downhill. I’ve seen less of him, he’s pulled away and given me the usual BS of he ‘can’t change things now because his family need him’ just the same thing I’ve been hearing for the last 18 months basically. This time I walked away and he didn’t stop me. That’s how I knew it was over.

 

i really hope you find the strength to walk away for this OP and either save your marriage if you can or make a new life for yourself away from this man. 

[pepperbird]

3 hours ago, SS2855 said:

No end goal really. We work very closely together which adds a whole other layer of complexity. He’s never promised a future but is a bit of a romantic so will often get swept up in “us” and then will quickly pull back. I’ve never asked for more as I know he would never leave and tbh I wouldn’t want a someone that would just up and leave a family (I know). So end goal is there really isn’t one. 

but you'll stay on the line for a man who has shown you he can and will cheat on them?
Really think about that. Why would you do this to yourself?

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

but you'll stay on the line for a man who has shown you he can and will cheat on them?
Really think about that. Why would you do this to yourself?

The most important thing being, the longer you stay on the line the more you will leave yourself unavailable to find the honest, loving, full-time relationship you say that you seek...

And if honesty and monogamy are important values to you in a relationship... this is probably not your guy. If you were assessing the situation from a place of impartiality and truth, that would be very clear to you. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Quote

So end goal is there really isn’t one. 

 

That makes you the perfect OW... your expectations are nothing = and that is exactly what you will get from the MM.

you will get the ILLUSION that there’s a relationship, a future, and love.

 

but Really - he will actually give YOU nothing... especially if you begin to ask or expect ANYTHING from him!

[ABernie]

xMM was always so connected, songs, lyrics, plans, etc.  He was divorcing.  Then D-Day happened and that's when the push pull rollercoaster started.  And believe it or not, I got the trickle truth along with BW.  

 

You don't want to go through a D-Day.  It changes everything.  End it now, if he wants to be with you, he files for divorce and you can be together.  In the end, that's the story you want to tell.  

I will tell you, I now check public records of divorce filings if I date someone saying they are divorcing.  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

20 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I’m sure par for the course but is this behavior common with MM to their OW? Is this the roller coaster?  We’re very close and I’m usually the one that holds back. Btw this has been through the duration of the last couple years. 

Hi OP.

YES, very common. Definitely a roller coaster. Also, please do not feel like you're 'winning' by "usually [being] the one who holds back." That kind of thinking will do you more harm than good by giving you a false sense of security. You would also do well to study up on the cycle of abuse. That's not to say your MM is (intentionally) abusing you. Rather, it will show you the power of intermittent reinforcement/trauma bond...insightful in helping you understand the roller coaster you're experiencing. Please keep in mind these relationship/behavior patterns can 'rewire' your brain over time, making you more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Be your own best friend first always! ❤

[S2B]

1 hour ago, ABernie said:

xMM was always so connected, songs, lyrics, plans, etc.  He was divorcing.  Then D-Day happened and that's when the push pull rollercoaster started.  And believe it or not, I got the trickle truth along with BW.  

 

You don't want to go through a D-Day.  It changes everything.  End it now, if he wants to be with you, he files for divorce and you can be together.  In the end, that's the story you want to tell.  

I will tell you, I now check public records of divorce filings if I date someone saying they are divorcing.  

I also check public records... mainly because there are so many men that I go one the first date with - they say they are divorced - but when I check - they are still VERY married! less pain in the long run to wait until someone is actually divorced.

why are you satisfied to date someone who is married and very much lying to his spouse? 
 

he says he’s committed - but that means to his wife.

what if you simply told him no more sex while he is still married? How would he respond to that?

[SS2855]

On 5/5/2020 at 7:48 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Hi OP.

YES, very common. Definitely a roller coaster. Also, please do not feel like you're 'winning' by "usually [being] the one who holds back." That kind of thinking will do you more harm than good by giving you a false sense of security. You would also do well to study up on the cycle of abuse. That's not to say your MM is (intentionally) abusing you. Rather, it will show you the power of intermittent reinforcement/trauma bond...insightful in helping you understand the roller coaster you're experiencing. Please keep in mind these relationship/behavior patterns can 'rewire' your brain over time, making you more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Be your own best friend first always! ❤

Thank you. This is helpful information and I’ve never thought about this. I realize what I’m trying to do is figure out a way to “outsmart” this affair if you will. I know it doesn’t exist. I feel too weak to leave but in my heart know that I need so much more.

[SS2855]

On 5/5/2020 at 8:06 PM, S2B said:

I also check public records... mainly because there are so many men that I go one the first date with - they say they are divorced - but when I check - they are still VERY married! less pain in the long run to wait until someone is actually divorced.

why are you satisfied to date someone who is married and very much lying to his spouse? 
 

he says he’s committed - but that means to his wife.

what if you simply told him no more sex while he is still married? How would he respond to that?

He’s always been very open to wanting to be with me even if not physically. We enjoy so much our time together (of course we do we’re in a bubble!) I could say that sure but it would basically equate to just being friends which is everything in struggling with. There is nor hasn’t been sex in my M so another reason hard to give up.

[SS2855]

On 5/5/2020 at 4:57 PM, S2B said:

That makes you the perfect OW... your expectations are nothing = and that is exactly what you will get from the MM.

you will get the ILLUSION that there’s a relationship, a future, and love.

 

but Really - he will actually give YOU nothing... especially if you begin to ask or expect ANYTHING from him!

I agree I am truly the perfect OW.... expect nor have ever asked for anything. Two years on without any asks for more.

[S2B]

11 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I agree I am truly the perfect OW.... expect nor have ever asked for anything. Two years on without any asks for more.

That’s really sad. You don’t ask or even demand what you want/need?

why don’t you deserve better? You should!

life is way too short!

and anyway - texting someone is mainly a PRETEND relationship! It’s all pretending. And don’t think it isn’t.

when you start making demands he will disappear.

[SS2855]

Thank you all for this. Honestly how I feel truly depends on the day. The control he unknowingly has on me is immense. We are so tightly woven as close colleagues, friends and lovers. I do wonder sometimes if he’s in denial as to the future of this. At some point I’d think he’d be concerned I could leave or want the full deal from someone that is available especially after my impending divorce. I’ve seen this fear rear it’s head from him once- we were at a work event a few months ago and this man (FWIW extremely attractive and known in our industry for his looks and overall power) was  being very forthright trying to flirt all evening throughout a dinner and after a few drinks was inappropriately commenting to MM about me- of course having no idea of anything. For me of course I didn’t flirt back but it did give me a bit of an ego boost I can’t lie. For MM it upset him greatly and the entire weekend he tried to convey to me how painful it was for him to witness this man making all these moves while he couldn’t say or do anything. He said it shook him that he’s lost himself so much to me that he’s in a position loving a woman and realizing this is the reality of unless he leaves he has to be ready for this to happen again and he can’t stop me from wanting to pursue. I know cue eye roll! And of course if that wasn’t enough to change course I don’t know what is.

[SS2855]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

That’s really sad. You don’t ask or even demand what you want/need?

why don’t you deserve better? You should!

life is way too short!

and anyway - texting someone is mainly a PRETEND relationship! It’s all pretending. And don’t think it isn’t.

when you start making demands he will disappear.

S2B what is your story if I may ask? And you are right. Who wouldn’t take advantage of me?!