Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel with the FB post, do you think I have any bearing to tell him how it hurt my feelings or is that manipulative and unfair on my part? I can’t be mad that his spouse celebrated her special day with him deservedly so, but I want to be open with him and tell him it was hard for me to see. Do I leave it be? I guess what would be the point unless I was telling him as one of the reasons the relationship is so difficult for me, but then that opens a door to evaluating and exiting which I’m not ready for . Ugh.

[BaileyB]

A hard truth here - you chose to involve yourself with a married man, you can’t now get upset because he went out for his birthday with his wife. They did what husbands and wives do on their birthdays, they celebrated together. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, I know you are very upset but you the reality is, you have no right to tell the man he can’t celebrate his birthday with his wife. If you want to be in a relationship with a man and celebrate birthdays and other holidays together, you will need to find a man who is not married. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

A hard truth here - you chose to involve yourself with a married man, you can’t now get upset because he went out for his birthday with his wife. They did what husbands and wives do on their birthdays, they celebrated together. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, I know you are very upset but you the reality is, you have no right to tell the man he can’t celebrate his birthday with his wife. If you want to be in a relationship with a man and celebrate birthdays and other holidays together, you will need to find a man who is not married. 

Thank you and you’re right- reading my question back I’m even embarrassed I asked it. Ugh. Please know my intent was not at all to tell him he has no right to celebrate his wife’s birthday- that’s ludicrous. It’s this crazy mix of emotions to get a mother load of “I can’t live without you what do we do??” to 8 hours later seeing the post that sent me in to this mental tailspin. Exactly why these relationships are so unhealthy. Appreciate your honesty I needed to hear it out loud.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry that you are struggling. I can appreciate how confusing it would be to hear a man say “I love you and I can’t live with out you” before going out with his wife for her birthday. This is exactly why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next. What he has done to you is not fair, he is leading you on and giving you false hope. But - the only person who can change that is you. Remember, his words mean nothing when they are not backed up by actions. And his actions this week, were to say a lot of words he knew you would love to hear and then go home to celebrate with his wife. Hugs.

[SS2855]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry that you are struggling. I can appreciate how confusing it would be to hear a man say “I love you and I can’t live with out you” before going out with his wife for her birthday. This is exactly why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next. What he has done to you is not fair, he is leading you on and giving you false hope. But - the only person who can change that is you. Remember, his words mean nothing when they are not backed up by actions. And his actions this week, were to say a lot of words he knew you would love to hear and then go home to celebrate with his wife. Hugs.

“Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next.” Thank you and that’s what I meant when I wanted to tell him how hurtful it was- not the action as that is what married people do. But exactly to your point- I was having a lovely evening with my sister and got this barrage of love notes saying I love you and “what do we do ?!?” followed by 8 hours later a photo of date night with his spouse of them looking so happy. It just left me numb wondering if he’s a sociopath or can he really just turn it on and off like a switch. Thank you for the note- first therapist appointment with someone new this weekend I’m looking forward to. As for MM I’m putting some distance and over last few days just responding but not initiating anything.

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

“Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next.” Thank you and that’s what I meant when I wanted to tell him how hurtful it was- not the action as that is what married people do. But exactly to your point- I was having a lovely evening with my sister and got this barrage of love notes saying I love you and “what do we do ?!?” followed by 8 hours later a photo of date night with his spouse of them looking so happy. 

I agree. It’s not a normal thing that a man with any kind of decency or moral compass would do - but you chose him. My suggestion would be, rather than focusing your attention on this man and why he does what he does... don’t you think you would be better served to look inward and ask yourself - “Why do I choose this for myself?”

We already know that this guy is not a pillar of society. How do we know that? He is lying and cheating on his wife. If he will lie to her, he will lie to you. Honey, he will tell you anything you want to hear... Whether you chose to respond to his texts and believe his words is on you. Nothing about this situation should really surprise you given what you know about this man. You can’t honestly expect him to show you respect and consideration, to be loyal and truthful and trustworthy when he has clearly not demonstrated these things toward his wife. That’s just not wise.

Looking to your affair partner to be your moral compass is like relying on a man for birth control - don’t do it! A woman would be wise in both cases to make her own decisions and protect her own health and well being. You can’t rely on the goodwill of a man who clearly has other obligations when you have the ability to make your own decisions and take action for your own best interest. He’s clearly pursuing what it is his won best interest, you should be doing the same...

Edited June 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

13 hours ago, SS2855 said:

@HadMeOverABarrel with the FB post, do you think I have any bearing to tell him how it hurt my feelings or is that manipulative and unfair on my part? I can’t be mad that his spouse celebrated her special day with him deservedly so, but I want to be open with him and tell him it was hard for me to see. Do I leave it be? I guess what would be the point unless I was telling him as one of the reasons the relationship is so difficult for me, but then that opens a door to evaluating and exiting which I’m not ready for . Ugh.

A possible middle ground between working through your feelings and informing him of them might be writing them down.  Write down what you want to say but don't send it. Then reread it to yourself a few times over the coming days and observe how your feelings evolve about it. You don't actually need him to resolve your emotions. Also try googling Sedona Technique, which will help you identify all the emotions the Facebook post triggered, and gets you to the core of it so you can release it. You might even find compassion for him. I do not mean to give you an expectation but an example. Whatever comes up for you is right for you. 

Here is a possible example from doing it: 

You might recognize a feeling of rejection or shame or unworthiness that was triggered by seeing the Facebook post. Then you might be able to disconnect that feeling from him while going deeper within to identify the true source of that feeling. You might also consider that, while his choices are selfish and insensitive, ultimately he is playing off a script of something broken inside him. That might help you feel compassion rather than hurt/anger. Hurt/anger keeps you stuck while compassion helps you release (the emotion/situation/perhaps even him).

Also, regarding some previous posts on loneliness, your therapist was spot on with her sip of water in the dessert analogy. One of the more difficult aspects I faced was that my own expectations were managed even further down as time went on...like that sip became a drop on my dry lips. I like to say that I never knew loneliness, not even from years of being single, until xMM truly showed me what loneliness was. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

It just left me numb wondering if he’s a sociopath or can he really just turn it on and off like a switch.

You are not alone in thinking this. I wondered it so many times with my own xMM.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, SS2855 said:

It’s this crazy mix of emotions to get a mother load of “I can’t live without you what do we do??” to 8 hours later seeing the post that sent me in to this mental tailspin.

Being a MM isn't easy.
He probably knew that there would be photos showing up of the birthday party so he tried to mitigate any fall out by laying the sugar syrup on thick prior to the event.
You would then be so loved up that you would simply ignore the photos...

[SS2855]

11 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I like to say that I never knew loneliness, not even from years of being single, until xMM truly showed me what loneliness was. 

Yesss. In the two years I’ve been in this it’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life. Just “being” feels lonely. @HadMeOverABarrel have you and XMM completely lost touch? Have you moved past it and how?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 6/24/2020 at 1:42 AM, SS2855 said:

Yesss. In the two years I’ve been in this it’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life. Just “being” feels lonely. @HadMeOverABarrel have you and XMM completely lost touch? Have you moved past it and how?

What helped me get past it was focusing on the fact that he's a selfish manipulator who will never contribute anything positive to my life. He always had to be in control with a my way or the highway approach, and I chose the highway. I assessed what he is giving me in my life; answer: nothing but stress. I reminded myself that should he ever become a better person (not likely), he will know how to find me. Lastly, I need to attend to the most important aspects of getting on with my life (incl attracting a suitable partner) and taking care of me first.

Now I'm more discerning about who I give my time and energy to in all relationships as a result. People have to align with my values and goals as well as take an active interest in my well being...whereas before I would be nice to everyone and then get frustrated if they were not "nice" back.

Edited to add: Also, I watch carefully for red flags in new/(er) relationships. For example, my neighbor and I agreed to look out for each other. When she didn't show up for me in accordance with that agreement, and was subsequently dismissive of my concerns, I cut contact.

Another example: a friend introduced me to another lady who I thought would become another friend. New lady was supposed to call over weekend. She called Sunday afternoon to say she'd call me Monday when her boyfriend was at work. (No problem.) She didn't call after that (red flag). I met up with both of them last week. She wasn't apologetic or particularly warm except to ask me to help her with something to get her new business going (another red flag). Needless to say, I've put no effort into trying to connect with her since and if I decide to assist her, I'll be sure I'm financially compensated appropriately in advance. Older version of me would have ignored flags and put in more effort to be "nice." She would've milked it for every free thing possible. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[SS2855]

On 6/25/2020 at 12:58 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

What helped me get past it was focusing on the fact that he's a selfish manipulator who will never contribute anything positive to my life. He always had to be in control with a my way or the highway approach, and I chose the highway. I assessed what he is giving me in my life; answer: nothing but stress. I reminded myself that should he ever become a better person (not likely), he will know how to find me. Lastly, I need to attend to the most important aspects of getting on with my life (incl attracting a suitable partner) and taking care of me first.

Now I'm more discerning about who I give my time and energy to in all relationships as a result. People have to align with my values and goals as well as take an active interest in my well being...whereas before I would be nice to everyone and then get frustrated if they were not "nice" back.

Edited to add: Also, I watch carefully for red flags in new/(er) relationships. For example, my neighbor and I agreed to look out for each other. When she didn't show up for me in accordance with that agreement, and was subsequently dismissive of my concerns, I cut contact.

Another example: a friend introduced me to another lady who I thought would become another friend. New lady was supposed to call over weekend. She called Sunday afternoon to say she'd call me Monday when her boyfriend was at work. (No problem.) She didn't call after that (red flag). I met up with both of them last week. She wasn't apologetic or particularly warm except to ask me to help her with something to get her new business going (another red flag). Needless to say, I've put no effort into trying to connect with her since and if I decide to assist her, I'll be sure I'm financially compensated appropriately in advance. Older version of me would have ignored flags and put in more effort to be "nice." She would've milked it for every free thing possible. 

It sounds like you have made enormous strides and also in finding the importance of getting what you give. I’m curious if you’re finding it easier to move away from thinking about the MM.

 I just started IC and the first session already has been wonderful. I’m also listening to the audiobook, Codependent No More, as it seems to resonate. I wonder how common codependency is in affair relationships...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thank you. Yes, it helps a lot to redirect your focus on yourself, whether an MM or other.  There's probably a fair amount of codependency in affairs just like regular relationships. I don't know the proportions, but definitely the push/pull dynamic of affairs lends itself to a codependent dynamic. That book is an oldie but goodie! 😀 Congrats on starting IC and finding a counselor you like! How are you coping these days?

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel thank you always for your wisdom. I’m doing well considering. It’s weird this last week I have felt less anxiety in general than ever before in this A. I don’t know if it’s just from the renewed hope with my new counselor or because I’ve been diligent about taking my anxiety medication daily (as directed), or both, but this last week I’ve felt pretty good. Now usually I’ve only been able to say this after a love bombing of some sort where I’ve felt reassured in the relationship (oh how he has forever dictated my moods based on our interaction!) but this last week nothing like that or out of the ordinary and I’ve still felt relatively ok which is very different for me. It may also be that with quarantine I’ve gotten used to seeing MUCH less of him and we have not slept together really for the last 3+ months. Call it circumstance and maybe I’ll feel different this week, but pretty calm as of late. I don’t think it will just go away of course but a glimmer of hope that my efforts to detach could be at work. Who knows. Day by day. I hope you are well!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

11 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I don’t know if it’s just from the renewed hope with my new counselor or because I’ve been diligent about taking my anxiety medication daily (as directed), or both, but this last week I’ve felt pretty good. Now usually I’ve only been able to say this after a love bombing of some sort where I’ve felt reassured in the relationship

Probably both. Both are part of self-care and self-love. Add in whatever else you can think of to be kind to yourself. The more we love ourselves the less we will settle for scraps and anxiety provoking intermittent attention. You're doing an amazing job. Stay focused on this path and it'll just get better from here. Your post made me smile. Thank you for that!

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel it’s amazing with the self care. I also started much needed physical therapy this morning and just slowly feeling more secure about me. Again I know it’s a LONG road and I still have not technically made any firm changes in the A, but like you said the more I put in to ME the likelihood (I hope) is that the MM will appear less of a maddening desire. And every time now I want to initiate a reach out I envision the lack of any future at all and that helps me to retreat. Thank you for your support!! It’s possible I’ll be on again with a low point but for now just trying to keep in the right direction.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/6/2020 at 1:02 PM, SS2855 said:

@HadMeOverABarrel it’s amazing with the self care. I also started much needed physical therapy this morning and just slowly feeling more secure about me. Again I know it’s a LONG road and I still have not technically made any firm changes in the A, but like you said the more I put in to ME the likelihood (I hope) is that the MM will appear less of a maddening desire. And every time I still have not technically made any firm changes in the A, but like you said the more I put in to ME the likelihood (I hope) is that the MM will appear less of a maddening desire. And every time now I want to initiate a reach out I envision the lack of any future at all and that helps me to retreat.now I want to initiate a reach out I envision the lack of any future at all and that helps me to retreat. Thank you for your support!! It’s possible I’ll be on again with a low point but for now just trying to keep in the right direction.

"just slowly feeling more secure about me" This is awesome!

"the more I put in to ME the likelihood (I hope) is that the MM will appear less of a maddening desire. And every time now I want to initiate a reach out I envision the lack of any future at all and that helps me to retreat." Yes, you're heading in the right direction. The more you invest in yourself, the less you will feel you need anyone else incl MM to validate you. You are validating yourself by saying to yourself through your item actions, "This is me and this is what I need. I am able to meet my own needs. I affirm I am worthy of having my needs met just for who I am. I love who I am with all my qualities."

[SS2855]

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. Every day is a roller coaster but I’ve gone in hard on my self care so I am hoping it will get easier at some point.

[Conflicted2020]

OP. I am almost in the same situation.. I am going through the power problem right now. Do you often feel as if it's "fate" that brings you together? I believe I have that same issue and that is what is making it hard for me to just move on... 

[Conflicted2020]

2 hours ago, Conflicted2020 said:

OP. I am almost in the same situation.. I am going through the power problem right now. Do you often feel as if it's "fate" that brings you together? I believe I have that same issue and that is what is making it hard for me to just move on... 

Also, OP im curious to know how you are now? Have you been able to move on? Do you still communicate?

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 7/22/2020 at 7:52 PM, SS2855 said:

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. Every day is a roller coaster but I’ve gone in hard on my self care so I am hoping it will get easier at some point.

You can do this. Stay with it!

[SS2855]

21 hours ago, Conflicted2020 said:

23 hours ago, Conflicted2020 said:

Also, OP im curious to know how you are now? Have you been able to move on? Do you still communicate?

 

I am doing ok at the moment. We still communicate and I technically haven’t ended it, but I’ve recently been working on myself (therapy, sports, lots of self care) and it’s Ben giving  me more focus to accept what is the reality. My MM has made me feel like I am the most wonderful person in the world. Constant validation and affirmation and that’s part of the reason that I’m fearful to lose this “crumb”. But I also know that the energy and thoughts of this relationship that have consumed me are actually killing me. It’s too much to share so much intimacy with someone and then realize you are truly such a tiny percent of each other’s lives. I’m not going to lie- the heart wants what it wants and it’s painful even now as I type in missing him. BUT I have no longer initiated reaching out because every time I want to I picture him planning his next vacation or business adventure with and for his family... NOT me. When my head goes there I stop any desire of contacting him. No we have not ended things yet and I know I need to and would like to formally. For now I’ve just tried to take a step back and focus on myself as difficult as it is. I know my feelings for this man, though what feels like a soulmate, is just really strong anxious attachment issues in my part. Love isn’t supposed to hurt as they say.
One podcast I just love is “In your feelings”- download it. It’s the closest thing I’ve listened to that reminds me I DESERVE MORE. 

[Conflicted2020]

Im happy you're doing so great.. when you backed off, did you notice the calls coming more often? If so, what did you do? DId you keep it short? 

[Conflicted2020]

10 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I am doing ok at the moment. We still communicate and I technically haven’t ended it, but I’ve recently been working on myself (therapy, sports, lots of self care) and it’s Ben giving  me more focus to accept what is the reality. My MM has made me feel like I am the most wonderful person in the world. Constant validation and affirmation and that’s part of the reason that I’m fearful to lose this “crumb”. But I also know that the energy and thoughts of this relationship that have consumed me are actually killing me. It’s too much to share so much intimacy with someone and then realize you are truly such a tiny percent of each other’s lives. I’m not going to lie- the heart wants what it wants and it’s painful even now as I type in missing him. BUT I have no longer initiated reaching out because every time I want to I picture him planning his next vacation or business adventure with and for his family... NOT me. When my head goes there I stop any desire of contacting him. No we have not ended things yet and I know I need to and would like to formally. For now I’ve just tried to take a step back and focus on myself as difficult as it is. I know my feelings for this man, though what feels like a soulmate, is just really strong anxious attachment issues in my part. Love isn’t supposed to hurt as they say.
One podcast I just love is “In your feelings”- download it. It’s the closest thing I’ve listened to that reminds me I DESERVE MORE. 

Im happy you're doing so great.. when you backed off, did you notice the calls coming more often? If so, what did you do? DId you keep it short? 

[SS2855]

4 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

Im happy you're doing so great.. when you backed off, did you notice the calls coming more often? If so, what did you do? DId you keep it short? 

Oh I wish I was doing so great trust me :( This is all a newer shift for me as in the last couple weeks but I’m still crying most days. But yes I have noticed more initiating on his part with calls and messages. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t pick up calls and my responses were just normal without the usual “I miss you”. Honest it’s painful but you reach this point when u realize how small a priority you are. Case in point he reached out earlier in the week and we talked about lunch yesterday - he got busy and couldn’t but said “I’ll call u later though so I can hear your voice at least”. Um... no. In my heart when someone matters to you then you make time. You just do. I think he cares about me a great deal but takes me for granted because I’ve always been available at his beck and call. Yesterday I’d normally have raced to pick up the phone. I let it go to voicemail though- why should I fulfill whatever need he has at his discretion? I guess I’m starting to get mad when I didn’t before. It helps.