Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[Conflicted2020]

10 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Oh I wish I was doing so great trust me This is all a newer shift for me as in the last couple weeks but I’m still crying most days. But yes I have noticed more initiating on his part with calls and messages. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t pick up calls and my responses were just normal without the usual “I miss you”. Honest it’s painful but you reach this point when u realize how small a priority you are. Case in point he reached out earlier in the week and we talked about lunch yesterday - he got busy and couldn’t but said “I’ll call u later though so I can hear your voice at least”. Um... no. In my heart when someone matters to you then you make time. You just do. I think he cares about me a great deal but takes me for granted because I’ve always been available at his beck and call. Yesterday I’d normally have raced to pick up the phone. I let it go to voicemail though- why should I fulfill whatever need he has at his discretion? I guess I’m starting to get mad when I didn’t before. It helps.

Good, its amazing how similar our thoughts and feelings are. I was always having times where I would have this sense of empiwerment, and I would know, this isnt going anywhere, so I would stop calling him.. then he would call me and say things like, see? im trying, I am initiating, and reel me back in, and then my neediness/clingyness just made me feel powerless again. The sense of needing someone to validate my very existence sucks. Like you, I have kids, and some days, when he's not calling me or making me feel important, aka getting distant, I cant even focus on them, the days where he calls first, asks how my day is and makes me feel like he actually cares, im like on top of the world. I feel for you 100% and maybe we can chat with each other daily about our feelings and maybe we can over come this together?

[SS2855]

19 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

maybe we can chat with each other daily about our feelings and maybe we can over come this together?

I’d love that! And yes I know what you mean. It’s like he has this control and little does he know he can determine how I feel for the day just by his actions/inactions ALONE. If I get a morning text that’s lovey I feel like I can breathe and enjoy my day. If I don’t hear from him I’m constantly watching my phone for that little signal to pop up and just feeling all around blah. When the message comes it’s almost like a treat to just open it- literally like I’m opening a present! It’s that thrilling. Like “ok what’s in the box today that will make me feel alive and vibrant?!” It’s sad. When I think of it as more clinical it helps- like knowing it’s the attachment that’s at play and not this overpowering love story that I thought it was or so want it to be. The only time I seem to feel ok is when he’s messages and more so when I have yet to respond. We’ll get through it together once we both get to the point of knowing that we deserve better and that real love doesn’t feel like this. Please check in and I’ll do the same! For now focus on the future. Without him. What do you want it to look like?

[Conflicted2020]

48 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I’d love that! And yes I know what you mean. It’s like he has this control and little does he know he can determine how I feel for the day just by his actions/inactions ALONE. If I get a morning text that’s lovey I feel like I can breathe and enjoy my day. If I don’t hear from him I’m constantly watching my phone for that little signal to pop up and just feeling all around blah. When the message comes it’s almost like a treat to just open it- literally like I’m opening a present! It’s that thrilling. Like “ok what’s in the box today that will make me feel alive and vibrant?!” It’s sad. When I think of it as more clinical it helps- like knowing it’s the attachment that’s at play and not this overpowering love story that I thought it was or so want it to be. The only time I seem to feel ok is when he’s messages and more so when I have yet to respond. We’ll get through it together once we both get to the point of knowing that we deserve better and that real love doesn’t feel like this. Please check in and I’ll do the same! For now focus on the future. Without him. What do you want it to look like?

I just dont understand how they can make us feel so important to them. Mine has said, I value you, I appreciate you, Ive said I love you and hes never dishonest.. hes tried to stop talking to me, but we always end up here again. We don't have a sexual relationship anymore because he said he will get those feelings again, and hes afraid of divorce because he has a young son at home and he doesnt want to lose him, I respect that for sure, but its like, why keep making me feel special if you truly arent interested... He called me today, after me not calling him all this week, My receptinist answered and said she told him shed let him know I called. I havent called back.. im debating if i should. He is on vacation all next week, so I suppose if he wanted to talk to me before he didnt havea  chance, then he will call again, if not, I guess im really just his ego boost. So, for you, at least you get the lovey dovey words.. I get the "guess what I am feeling" attitude.

[Conflicted2020]

17 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

I just dont understand how they can make us feel so important to them. Mine has said, I value you, I appreciate you, Ive said I love you and hes never dishonest.. hes tried to stop talking to me, but we always end up here again. We don't have a sexual relationship anymore because he said he will get those feelings again, and hes afraid of divorce because he has a young son at home and he doesnt want to lose him, I respect that for sure, but its like, why keep making me feel special if you truly arent interested... He called me today, after me not calling him all this week, My receptinist answered and said she told him shed let him know I called. I havent called back.. im debating if i should. He is on vacation all next week, so I suppose if he wanted to talk to me before he didnt havea  chance, then he will call again, if not, I guess im really just his ego boost. So, for you, at least you get the lovey dovey words.. I get the "guess what I am feeling" attitude. Its soooo hard for me to feel like im just an ego boost, but maybe its true. The only way I can think for clarijucation on that would be to see if he even notices I havent initiated calls with him and steps up.

 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

Mine has said, I value you, I appreciate you, Ive said I love you and hes never dishonest..

Except that he is dishonest. He lies to his wife every single time he calls you, tells you that he loves you, meets with you in person, has sex with you... How is it possible that you expect honesty from a man that you know - by the very nature of your association - is a dishonest man? Kindly, can see how this defies logic? 

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Why keep making me feel special if you truly arent interested...

Simply, he is enjoying the attention and the ego boost as much as you are...

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I havent called back..I’m debating if i should. He is on vacation all next week.

Of what purpose would the returned call be? What do you stand to gain? Are you going to wish him well on his holiday with his family next week? 
 

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For you, at least you get the lovey dovey words.. I get the "guess what I am feeling" attitude.

I would suggest that you are the luckier woman here. I know, you are disappointed because he won’t give you the lovey doves words... because that is what you seek. But, he is at the very least not leading you on and future faking. Whether you chose to believe his actions is another thing entirely...

Words are just that, so easily said that unless they are backed up by actions they are virtually meaningless. Of course, it feels wonderful to hear someone say you are wonderful, that they value you, that they appreciate you, that they love you... but when their every other action proves otherwise - those words mean nothing. 

Wishing you well SS2855. 

Edited July 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

20 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

20 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would suggest that you are the luckier woman here. I know, you are disappointed because he won’t give you the lovey doves words... because that is what you seek. But, he is at the very least not leading you on and future faking.

Bailey is absolutely right. Though my MM has said he’s committed himself to staying in his marriage until kids go to college (I know- they all say that) the words he often says to me lead me to think he wants a future even though again I know better. It’s just words. But therein lies the pain. I’m now working on myself and in therapy to free myself from two very toxic relationships ( marriage and affair). 

[Conflicted2020]

@SS2855 Is there a way to message you privately, or are we only able to communicate here? We have so much in common and I believe we can help each other lol but Id rather not have everyone here get notifications when we talk back and forth..

[SS2855]

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

[Conflicted2020]

1 minute ago, SS2855 said:

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

so odd, I completed my profile... maybe that means something? lol

[Conflicted2020]

10 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

Try it now.. I enabled browser notifications... IDK if that worked?

[elaine567]

 I don't know the current  criteria but it used to be 50 posts or a month on the forum before a person can PM.
You can however gain PM access if you pay to support the site.
Click "Premium Subscriptions"

[Conflicted2020]

ahh, gotcha. makes sense.

[SS2855]

I’m not sure if anyone is viewing this thread anymore but I suppose I’m writing as I’m feeling so very low today as I expected. Just saw MM last week and now he is on a family vacation, as he should be, and I’m home feeling distraught, as I should be. We’ve typically checked in in the past on vacations but I have not heard anything from him last couple days since he left. Feeling low and yes nobody to blame but myself knowing this is how “it works”. I feel sad, naive, angry and like I want to crawl out of my skin. Again I can’t be mad at anyone but myself and I have made this bed, I just feel LOW and I want to feel better. I know sooo many obvious truths here. Just feeling broken hearted at the moment. Like I want to never have to hear his voice again. I’m sorry it doesn’t make much sense. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

17 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I’m home feeling distraught, as I should be

Should you be? Are you self-loathing? It won't help. You can CHOOSE your role in this; you can choose your sentiments by choosing how much your willing to participate in this; and you can choose that you want more for yourself, love yourself more than this dysfunction.

17 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Like I want to never have to hear his voice again. I’m sorry it doesn’t make much sense. 

It doesn't have to make sense. You're beating yourself up for feeling low. Try shifting your focus to what you want for yourself. Then, list the actions/steps that will move you in that direction. Your feelings might scream to resist, but ignore those and follow your rational plan. Step by step. Nobody is going to save you but you, so pick yourself up and take that first step. 💜

[SS2855]

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. The roller coaster has become more and more intense and I feel moments of full on depression. My spouse and I are on a trial separation and I just feel like my world is spinning out of control and I want to not feel this way. Thank you for the prompt response as I needed a virtual slap in the face. It gets so intense at times I feel like I could crumble in to a million pieces. I don’t remember feeling this sort of way ever in my life before. I am reading and re-reading your words to shift my focus from this, yes self loathing.

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel do you have faith I can return to a normal being eventually? Looking at the AP as not this drug or insulin at so point? I haven’t heard from him in a couple days and literally just anxious for that “hit” in the form of a text that tells me he’s thinking about me. Ughh.. I don’t even want to respond or plan to- I just want to know.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

@HadMeOverABarrel do you have faith I can return to a normal being eventually? Looking at the AP as not this drug or insulin at so point? I haven’t heard from him in a couple days and literally just anxious for that “hit” in the form of a text that tells me he’s thinking about me. Ughh.. I don’t even want to respond or plan to- I just want to know.

Yes you can, and will when you commit to it. 

It really is a drug addiction. I'm not in the medical profession but I know that you are getting a hit of dopamine every time you interact with him. The chemical reaction in your brain is the same as taking a very strong drug for recreational use. I believe the chemical processes are similar.

If you study up on detoxing from substances, you'll probably understand what it will take to get out of this. I think it takes a few days or couple weeks of feeling low followed by a few weeks of the brain healimg from the dependency. Again I'm not in themedical field, but this is my lay understanding of it. Consider consulting experts on this.

Of course, if you continue to dabble in the substance (your MM), you'll never get to recovery. In my earliest days of disconnecting from xMM, I repeatedly told myself, "Hot stove. Don't touch the hot stove!" to remind myself there were consequences to breaking no contact. Break no contact = get burned all over again. 

All the above said, what do you want for yourself? I've described things so simplistically, and they needn't be overly complicated to succeed.  BUT there are probably other factors at play here, too. Example: maybe you're avoiding parts of yourself by staying stuck in this dead end. So long as you continue to fret over MM, you get to avoid working on your own issues. A professional would help you sort through it. 

You have to be ready to face the truth and want something different for yourself. Otherwise, you'll be on the hampster wheel until you do...or until you die.

You get to be the one to decide though. That's where your power is in all this. 

Edited August 24, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Last paragraph

[spiritedaway2003]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. The roller coaster has become more and more intense and I feel moments of full on depression. My spouse and I are on a trial separation and I just feel like my world is spinning out of control and I want to not feel this way. Thank you for the prompt response as I needed a virtual slap in the face. It gets so intense at times I feel like I could crumble in to a million pieces. I don’t remember feeling this sort of way ever in my life before. I am reading and re-reading your words to shift my focus from this, yes self loathing.

You know the saying, when it rains, it pours.  This period in your life probably feels shaky because you are on a trial separation.  That's a big life change.  You're looking outward for validation and attention from your MM to help brace major changes in your life, and his absence is hitting you harder than ever.

Are you already in IC?  If not, consider it since it helps to talk about these feelings openly, in ways that perhaps that this forum does not always allow.  I might add that the self-loathing might be an subconscious call to do things differently.  Sometimes it helps to hear and figure out what it's trying to tell you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Edited August 24, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[SS2855]

Thank you 

28 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

You're looking outward for validation and attention from your MM to help brace major changes in your life, and his absence is hitting you harder than ever.

Thank you for the kind words and you are right I believe. I am in IC and it’s helping. If you asked me today specifically why I feel so low I know it’s because I just spent the day with MM and had physical intimacy a couple days before he left for vacation. On top of that I haven’t heard from him in a couple days which is not totally surprising given he’s away with family but somewhat, so I’m left feeling used and discarded and anxious that he doesn’t love me like he says he does. Ugh I feel like if I were reading this from someone else I would wonder what the hell is she doing? And yes it’s this need for wanting to know he still wants me and is always thinking of me. 

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yes you can, and will when you commit to it. 

It really is a drug addiction. I'm not in the medical profession but I know that you are getting a hit of dopamine every time you interact with him. The chemical reaction in your brain is the same as taking a very strong drug for recreational use. I believe the chemical processes are similar.

If you study up on detoxing from substances, you'll probably understand what it will take to get out of this. I think it takes a few days or couple weeks of feeling low followed by a few weeks of the brain healimg from the dependency. Again I'm not in themedical field, but this is my lay understanding of it. Consider consulting experts on this.

Of course, if you continue to dabble in the substance (your MM), you'll never get to recovery. In my earliest days of disconnecting from xMM, I repeatedly told myself, "Hot stove. Don't touch the hot stove!" to remind myself there were consequences to breaking no contact. Break no contact = get burned all over again. 

All the above said, what do you want for yourself? I've described things so simplistically, and they needn't be overly complicated to succeed.  BUT there are probably other factors at play here, too. Example: maybe you're avoiding parts of yourself by staying stuck in this dead end. So long as you continue to fret over MM, you get to avoid working on your own issues. A professional would help you sort through it. 

You have to be ready to face the truth and want something different for yourself. Otherwise, you'll be on the hampster wheel until you do...or until you die.

You get to be the one to decide though. That's where your power is in all this. 

It really is simple just not easy right? Do you feel over your xMM and how did you get there? Looking back do you miss him?

[Lurker123]

Hey OP. hope you’re ok. I understand what you’re going through, I have been on the same rollercoaster and ridden the constant ups and downs and know how it feels to get that ‘magical’ message when he’s away saying that he misses you and can’t wait to see you when he’s back etc etc. I’m sorry to be really honest here, but I just can’t see this MM leaving his wife. Has he ever said that he is going to? If so, what steps has he taken to do this? Booking a family holiday is not, IMO, a sign that he intends to rock the boat anytime soon. I think the points that stuck in my mind the most from the advice I received were firstly- why would he leave BW and his home life when he has everything on a plate in front of him as it stands? He has her to raise his children, keep the house nice, cook his dinner, wash his clothes, sleep next to at night, make him look like a ‘great guy’ from the outside. Then he has you hanging on in the background, providing him with an ego boost and extra sex as and when he wants it. All he had to do is throw you a few breadcrumbs every now and then to keep this going- not much effort needed! This man is living the dream! He’s not worried about your feelings or future- if he really cared about you he would not be intentionally making you feel like this. Speaking again from experience- when he is forced to make a choice- I can guarantee he will choose BW. Probably under the ‘guise’ it is for the children, but he knows a OW is easier to replace rather than a whole family and his reputation. Another point that stuck with me is that whilst you are filling the very small gaps in what is lacking in his life- he is pretty much your WHOLE life. Thinking about you is something he will do occasionally when he wants one of his smaller needs met, but generally you are in the background and not his main focus. For you though- he is everything your world revolves around and when you don’t hear from him or see him- it ruins your whole day/week because you are making your entire life about him. Think about that for a moment- realise what is happening here. 
 

You are wasting the best years of your life on someone who will continue to use you either until you say enough is enough, or BW finds out. Those are your only two options- there is no other choices available to you right now. I would beg you to step out of this situation ASAP. Go fully NC immediately. Don’t be there waiting when he comes back from his lovely family holiday- as he expects you to be. Turn around and never look back. It will be excruciatingly painful and you will want every single day to contact him... but I promise you the longer you go NC, the easier it is- again I say that from experience!! I still miss MM, but I am also feeling resentful towards him and realising just how much he used me over the two years we were together- and those are the feelings that keep me strong and push me through the pain. Stay strong and keep posting. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, SS2855 said:

It really is simple just not easy right? Do you feel over your xMM and how did you get there? Looking back do you miss him?

The first steps are the hardest, and every step thereafter becomes easier. 

I am over him. No, I don't miss him or want him in my life. He made my life unnecessarily difficult. I'm happier and have more peace without him. He's not the man I thought he was. For a time, I would think it was too bad he chose to not explore a real relationship...but that's before I came into the full acceptance that I loved who I thought he was more than who he really is.

He really is a man who focuses almost exclusively on his own gratification at the expense of others. He justifies his behavior by shifting blame to those he hurts. He believed it was ok to hurt me because he was 'not forcing me to interact with him' (I'm paraphrasing his words). He believed he was justified in cheating on his wife because of things she did to him in the past (again his words). He makes excuses constantly rather than taking responsibility for himself.

What does this reveal about the truth of his character? That he's a passive aggressive lying coward who doesn't have the gonads to address life head on. Instead he resorts to game playing, deception, justifications for his callous insensitivity to how his incredible selfishness impacts others. 

I don't miss that...not at all. I am worth more than he even has the capacity to understand. He is incapable of being the type of man I need in my life. He devalued me and my contributions. There is never an excuse for that! He was unworthy of what I gave, and the more I gave, the more entitled and less appreciative he became. Do I miss that? Answer is a big "Hell no!"

[SS2855]

6 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Another point that stuck with me is that whilst you are filling the very small gaps in what is lacking in his life- he is pretty much your WHOLE life. Thinking about you is something he will do occasionally when he wants one of his smaller needs met, but generally you are in the background and not his main focus. For you though- he is everything your world revolves around and when you don’t hear from him or see him- it ruins your whole day/week because you are making your entire life about him. Think about that for a moment- realise what is happening here.

Thank you first and foremost for your response and just general support to a stranger that is clearly struggling. You said it perfectly and I need to keep hearing it. I believe that the attention he shows me and the words he says lead me to this fantasy that I am constantly front of his mind the way he is in my mind (he has said it before to me), hence this idea I have that we are both these tortured souls that are meant to be and just cannot be. In the earlier part of quarantine he would write me these romantic blurbs of being lost without me and how he wishes it was me by his side. But I know you are right. I am a very small piece of his pie, whereas for me I have made him my entire pie. Maybe I have been in denial that all those words were untrue, or that I took them as fact and built this fantasy relationship from it in my mind. It’s crazy because contrary to all of this I have a rather “fulfilling” life on the outside but it’s almost as if I want no part of anything else unless he’s in it. Or nothing else gives me the rush that he provides. That realization scares me as I try to build up strength to walk away if that truly is my only chance at healing and getting better.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, SS2855 said:

... I feel so low I know it’s because I just spent the day with MM and had physical intimacy a couple days before he left for vacation. On top of that I haven’t heard from him in a couple days

15 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I feel sad, naive, angry and like I want to crawl out of my skin. Again I can’t be mad at anyone but myself and I have made this bed, I just feel LOW and I want to feel better.

5 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

 ... I have a rather “fulfilling” life on the outside but it’s almost as if I want no part of anything else unless he’s in it.  Or nothing else gives me the rush that he provides. That realization scares me as I try to build up strength to walk away if that truly is my only chance at healing and getting better.

FWIW you do sound quite a bit like a drug addict who is very unhappy about what they are doing but also "hooked". I agree with those who are suggesting you need to get out of this and get back to standing on your own two feet emotionally and otherwise.

My understanding is that, once you're ready for this step, making contact impossible (or as close to it as possible) may help shut off the "cravings" so that your brain "leaves you alone" about him. So, if that's possible for your situation, it may help to try that at some point. I'm not sure it makes sense right now, but possibly at some future point.

[Lurker123]

32 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

My understanding is that, once you're ready for this step, making contact impossible (or as close to it as possible) may help shut off the "cravings" so that your brain "leaves you alone" about him

This. The moment I blocked MM from everything and I mean EVERYTHING was the moment when I could truly let go. It was almost like closing all the doors airtight gave me back the power and control of my own life. When there was a chance or an avenue he could contact me on- I was constantly checking that avenue to see if he had. Of course he didn’t and it was only when I put myself in control and made it so even if he did want to reach out to me he couldn’t, that I began to truly move on.  
 

Any OW can tell you the stories of the lovey dovey/meaningful/heartfelt messages that their MM sent to them. It’s part and parcel of the situation. You say he has told you he ‘wishes you were by his side’... but what steps has HE taken to make that wish that he so badly wants, come true? The power is in his hands and if he wanted it as badly as he is telling you, he would make it happen. An important thing you have to keep at the forefront of your mind is- actions speak louder than words. MM can send endless messages declaring his love, saying he ‘wishes’ you were together... but what actual ACTIONS has he taken to make this happen? My guessing would be none. Ask yourself if you want to be here in a year, 6 months or even a month? The only thing that will change about this situation is you. Make that happen now. Take that step today. I promise you it will be hard, but it will be so worth it to gain back your self respect and happiness.