Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[pepperbird]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:12 AM, SS2855 said:

Truer words never spoken: “Addictions, affairs, dysfunctional relationship patterns are all about pain avoidance. They are cyclical--feel pain> act out> pain is numbed temporarily> pain returns> REPEAT TO INFINITY.” It’s quite a cycle and I find myself feeling this not by the day but by the MINUTE. Times where I’m so distraught and down, and then a simple loving text paragraph comes through and It’s like I just received an injection of my drug of choice that manages to “tide me over” until the insecurity and loneliness seep in, and there I am once again looking for my next hit. I know I’ve exhausted the topic. I’m hoping day by day as I try to dig deeper inside I will get the courage to walk away from both men and spend some time working on my self.

it almost sounds like you're describing those people you hear about sitting at the casino, gambling away their last dollar because this time, it might be the winner.
It almost never is, and even if it wins a jackpot, is it worth spending $1000 dollars to win ten?

Edited May 19, 2020 by pepperbird

[pepperbird]

On 5/13/2020 at 11:04 PM, MC75 said:

Your story is so close to mine in almost every way...I feel like I could have written it. Him and I work very closely together as well and there is no chance of either of us getting another job. Sometimes I feel like there is no way to end this. My MM does the same...pulls back and I think okay it’s over...then he comes back strong. He has even said he knows it’s not fair but he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. Thanks for sharing your story. 

That's an old trick. Love bombing, being overly kind, considerate, whatever. Get the recipient hooked.
It goes like this ( I'm using a guy as an example, but women do it too)

- he's kind and sweet , love bombing.you feel you're so connected!

-he senses you're falling for him, and zing! he pulls back

-you? "what's changed? what did I do? " . you don't know, so you try harder and either that doesn't work or you start to see him for who he is.

-he senses you're detaching, and he dials the affection back up so you're hooked again and he can go back to being lazy and not trying so hard

-wash, rinse, repeat-each time, you'll feel a little bit worse

It's not unique to affairs, but it sure happens a lot in them. the whole goal is to keep you hooked while he extends as little effort as possible to make that happen

 

[SS2855]

@pepperbird it makes total sense and I guess I can’t wrap my head around how he can have these literal outburst moments of “I’m crazy about you!!! I can’t imagine being without you and I miss you so much!!!” and I feel it’s so sincere and believe it is. But then a few days follow and it just feels like minimal attention and as a result makes me feel like I’m drowning in quick sand. Example just this week! Monday laid it on THICK with the “missing you and waiting patiently to be with you” and then it’s like a couple days of just back to normal- never ignoring but almost as if he didn’t just profess his undying and tormented love for me. I’ll talk to him and his mood seems great and taking about work and funny things and meanwhile I’m left to feel so blank and empty. I guess I understand the psychology of it but I do believe him when he lays it on- I feel it the way he expresses himself I don’t think is some master plan to keep me hooked. He’s VERY pragmatic so is it just easier for him or is he able to just put it in a box and move forward like “ah well what are ya gonna do!”. Clearly so unhealthy all around but I truly can’t make sense of it. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I guess I can’t wrap my head around how he can have these literal outburst moments of “I’m crazy about you!!! I can’t imagine being without you and I miss you so much!!!” but then a few days follow and it just feels like minimal attention 

He, like you, gets a hit of dopamine ever time he send a text and you respond in kind. He’s enjoying the reinforcement, just as much as you are... So, when he needs a little boost, he shoots you an over-the-top email. It is returned to him in kind. 

But, he has other things going on in his life. He has a relationship, children, work... when it’s convenient for him to reach out to you, he does, when he is otherwise engaged/happy in his life, he doesn’t feel so inclined. 

And to a certain degree, he is absolutely keeping you hooked. He has to reach out and offer a few encouraging words every now and again, if he wants to keep you involved in the affair. The intermittent reinforcement keeps you off balance, waiting on the edge of your seat, wondering when you will hear from him again... waiting like a desperate woman, lest you drown in quicksand alone...

Edited May 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

@BaileyB THIS. You’re right. And I’ve realized that 100% of my happiness I have put on this man alone and nothing else. I have loving children, a very fulfilling career and great friends but my focus in life has become 100% HIM. On the days of adoration and love bombing it’s like I can go about my day in this odd blissful bubble, and on days that are “normal” or when it’s just casual convo or not the heavy “I need you!” I’m like a sad woman dredging through life, albeit with the constant reminder of a husband I resent that lays on the couch 90% of his time. I know if I were someone reading this I’d be like “what is she doing?!?” I reached out to start therapy again. I’m just so tired...I feel the anxiety in my head and in my body. How did I end up here.

[SS2855]

One other thing... I just saw this video on YouTube about Intermittent Reinforcement (by Teal Swan). Wow...I’ve never listened to something that so incredibly accurately described my AP relationship. It’s not a good thing of course but I had no idea. This answered so much. @HadMeOverABarrel i believe it’s the exact point you were trying to make to me several weeks back. It just leaves me to ask though... what is the reinforcer getting out of it? In my case I don’t think it’s intentional though nevertheless it’s accurate. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

The best answer I can give you in this moment is putting yourself first, getting really good at "self-care," and making sure your needs are met before meeting  others' needs. Do a very honest inventory with yourself about what you need. Then see how you can meet those needs without relying on another person. Next, for those you need from someone else, negotiate meeting their needs when they meet yours. If you've been in a pattern of doing for them while they don't reciprocate, you need to communicate clearly to them what you need from them before you give more of yourself to them. Then, hold firm to that boundary until you get what you need. Be prepared to walk away if they refuse to come your way or compromise. Be sure to differentiate between promise and performance. I've fallen for the ol' "I'll do that for you first chance I get," then I resume giving based on that promise which they never fulfill. That's how rug-sweeping works. If you remain aware, you'll have a better chance of holding your boundaries to ensure your needs get met. Be prepared to be met with significant resistance. Change is difficult for most people, and so they react with psychological resistance. It will manifest in all sorts of behaviors designed to get you to back down. But when you can spot it, you got it! So stay firm on your position and take care of you first!

Edited May 22, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Luna66star]

I see what is keeping you hooked here is the intermittent reinforcement, a powerful manipulation tool.  Everyone is susceptible until you know what is happening.  

I got stuck in this arrangement for 2 years until I researched the topic online.  Through sheer willpower, I didn't respond anymore to the crumbs.  I saw relationship with MM as a complete dead end, despite his words of affirmation.  They were empty and devoid of action.

After several months of MM popping up here and there showing heroic deeds or  bringing flowers and/or candies, he eventually stopped trying.  It's the only thing that worked for me to get him out of my life.  I still think of him sometimes and wonder how he's doing as I cared deeply for this man.  However I do not ever reach out and also avoid places we used to visit together. 

I learned to valye myself more and set higher standards for the kind of relationship that meets my needs.   

I wish this for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[carhill]

On 5/22/2020 at 12:58 PM, SS2855 said:

One other thing... I just saw this video on YouTube about Intermittent Reinforcement (by Teal Swan). Wow...I’ve never listened to something that so incredibly accurately described my AP relationship. It’s not a good thing of course but I had no idea. This answered so much. @HadMeOverABarrel i believe it’s the exact point you were trying to make to me several weeks back. It just leaves me to ask though... what is the reinforcer getting out of it? In my case I don’t think it’s intentional though nevertheless it’s accurate. 

Manipulation is often part of human relations, nothing particularly unique to affairs. It's a classic tactic of takers in life, give as little as possible  and sell the sizzle to collect the profit. Very few of us make it through life without doing it at some point, at some level, just like very few, actually none, of us make it through life without lying. It's all part of being human.

The reinforcer gets attention; think of it as relationship/interaction currency. They collect it while giving as little as possible to maximize profit. The worst are the narcs. They're black holes of collecting attention. The human doesn't matter to them at all. Others have varying levels of conscience/morality and define their boundaries for themselves. Like I opined prior, accept the real. The guy is who he is. All associations in life outside of incarceration/slavery are voluntary. Even with those one can choose, death is a choice. Romantic stuff is fun and satisfying but there are billions on the planet to enjoy it with, ask any narc. They know.

[SS2855]

Me again. I’ve been posting for almost two years buried in an affair that is controlling every moment of my being. In the last two years I’ve struggled mostly with push/pull and hot/cold behavior in the A. I am a MW with MM for almost two years. Both colleagues, struggling separately in our respective marriages. I’m in the process of separation from a very dysfunctional and toxic relationship.  MM dealing with his own issues that we haven’t talked about in detail. We communicate most every day and since lockdown we’ve seemed to have grown closer (who knows maybe even easier since we’re both no longer distracted from our careers which involved heavy travel, together.) We grew very close as colleagues and then... well this. He has always been really hot and not cold but lukewarm. He will have these moments of explosive adorations followed by what I notice as a very slight but obvious pull away. About a week ago almost to the day he blew my phone up one evening, telling me he is “lost without me”, “hates the separation” , “can’t wait to be with me” and “I LOVE you and am IN LOVE with you” and can’t figure out “what to do”. Mind you I have never asked him to leave for me- I don’t believe he would or why/ how could I ask. He’s always been open about his feelings and almost daily reminds me of his adorations, but this was so strong. I reciprocated some and of course floated away to sleep that evening. That  was almost a week ago. The very next day on social media his spouse tagged him in a photo of them celebrating her birthday dinner. Yes I know it’s par for the course and I have ZERO right to be upset, but boy did it crush me. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Please don’t say “what did u expect?” because I know. Believe me. But damn it like if it wasn’t a knife to the heart. Since then- about a week- he has been somewhat distant. He says life at home has been very difficult so I’m leaving it be and giving space though he has not asked for it. I’m perplexed (and I’m sure I’m an idiot here) of how someone can profess this hardcore undying love and then snap back like a rubber band to sweet still yes, but distant. I finally asked today and he said he is struggling at home. Is he a sociopath or truly has just been able to compartmentalize his feelings in such a way where he can stuff them in a drawer and take out when he’s ready. I don’t doubt he’s struggling but the chain of events has left me feeling gutted. I have not nor plan to reach out to him, but this week is the longest we’ve gone with what I consider to be minimal contact. And again so soon after what I consider a hard core drop of his feelings. I know the answers maybe - that I’m in a toxic relationship. I’m struggling though to make sense of what is going on. Am I that blinded to see he truly doesn’t care for me? I feel stupid, weak and just plain gutted. What’s wrong with me?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

One possibility is when he and wife are arguing/disagreeing, he comes to love up on you so you'll be his source of validation when she's being a meany to him. Then, they make up and you're forgotten...until the next argument. Basically you're his safe place to crash until she warms up to him again.  Only you can break the cycle of him coming to you when he feels rejected by his wife.

[SS2855]

I think you’re right @HadMeOverABarrel. I wish I could talk with you because I feel like you understand this all very well. I think I’ve fooled myself perhaps in to thinking this man loves me the way he tells me he does. I feel foolish. I need to accept that I am likely a chess piece in his twisted relationship game. I don’t want to believe it but it’s the only thing I can make sense of. Because when you profess the love the way he has I’d think even with trouble at home you wouldn’t just retract like that. It’s a long weekend and I’m praying for strength if he does not contact me that I can cope. And if he does? That I can be bluntly honest and tell him where my mind has been. It’s hard to imagine it would simply be that because of how our relationship has been over the last couple years, but it’s the only thing that makes logical sense. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just wanted to add that I'm being facetious in using words such as meany (meant to portray his sense of entitlement which he justifies to himself by telling himself his wife is being unfair while he probably is not considerimg how his behavior is contributing to their conflicts; meany is a juvenile word purposely chosen to reflect what I perceive is his emotionally immature perspective).

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

I think you’re right @HadMeOverABarrel. I wish I could talk with you because I feel like you understand this all very well. I think I’ve fooled myself perhaps in to thinking this man loves me the way he tells me he does. I feel foolish. I need to accept that I am likely a chess piece in his twisted relationship game. I don’t want to believe it but it’s the only thing I can make sense of. Because when you profess the love the way he has I’d think even with trouble at home you wouldn’t just retract like that. It’s a long weekend and I’m praying for strength if he does not contact me that I can cope. And if he does? That I can be bluntly honest and tell him where my mind has been. It’s hard to imagine it would simply be that because of how our relationship has been over the last couple years, but it’s the only thing that makes logical sense. 

It's tough I realize. I still have my own moments when I want to see the good in my own xMM because I want to see the good in people generally. In fact, most non-personality disordered people want to see the good in others.

In the midst of a confusing situation, focus only on actions. Try to focus mostly on what your needs and boundaries are, and less on his intentions. Then, measure his actions against your needs/boundaries. This helps you accomplish two things primarily:

1) you stay centered in yourself (focusing on an internal locus of control vs. his actions as external locus of control); keeps your sanity as you will decide what's right for you rather than him dictating what you get.

2) If you choose to believe his intentions are malicious rather than ignorant/negligent, you will suffer unnecessarily more from that belief. Ultimately what drives his behavior is not important when you consider whether or not your needs are better met here or elsewhere. Your needs being met are what this whole situation boils down to. Just do the math and then follow through. Be your own advocate.

This will be painful to hear but you have to remember his wife is primary, you are secondary in this scheme. Look past the mushy gushy stuff he says (and your feelings) and review the facts. Besides an emotionally charged connection, they are legally bound together.. They share assets, relatives, friends, a home, and so forth. You and he share...emotions and sex. Regardless if he hated her guts (he doesn't), he still shares a greater portion of his life with her than with you...hence she's primary, you're secondary. That means he looks to her to meet most needs, and you get to supplement wherever he finds her lackluster or wants something different.

No doubt he loves the way you make him feel, but if he loved you the way he says would he put you through all this? Wouldn't he be more considerate of how this all affects you? He may be lacking in empathy, seeing only what feels good for him while justifying/making excuses for being dishonorable to you and wife. For example, per discussion with my xMM, he justifies cheating by saying his wife has done so many things to upset him and to me, he said he never forced my participation (but he did intentionally deceive me on many points the whole way through and manipulate me so I didn't think as straight as normal).

If you want to have a conversation with your MM, first have a 'come to Jesus' conversation with yourself. You need to decide exactly what it is you want to get out of this, at what price, what are your alternatives, and at what point you will absolutely walk away if your MM attempts to move those boundaries. You should stay very firm to those decisions. Then, the conversation you should have with him is:

• I have decided x, y, and z are what is best for me.
• I am not willing to compromise on x, y, and z no matter what.
• What are you willing to do to meet my terms?
• If you are not willing to meet my terms, or if you agree and subsequently act otherwise, the consequence will be... (e.g. I will permanently disengage until you do....)

Only you can decide what terms are best for you. I would suggest putting a chasm of distance between you two until he is physically/mentally/emotionally available to meet all your needs. This is not the time to minimize your needs or make exceptions or excuses for him. He's a grown boy and he will either accomodate you or he won't. Better you know now than to invest more of yourself into a path to nowhere.

Be fearless in your requests and don't back down if he whines or complains. That's just him trying to put you back into your "place" which clearly is not working for you or your wouldn't be posting here.

If you fail to complete the above exercise, what will happen instead will be some version of:

You: We need to discuss something. 

Him: (to himself--ut oh, I'm going to have to endure some girly babble) Sure, what's up?

You: I'm concerned about this, this, annd that.

Him: Ok as soon as I can [lame excuse], I'll address this and that. [Possibbly minimizes your needs/concerns or tells you that you are too demanding, sensitive, etc. all as a means to get you to back down and get back into your "role"]

End result: Nothing changes. You are temporarily pacified. He is back to getting what he wants. Repeat cycle.

He's got a good thing going here. He's not going to want to upset the applecart so be prepared for lots of resistance however it may show up. If he won't give you want you need (most likely outcome), you have no choice but to explore your other options and walk. Obvs there is a whole other kaboodle here which I've not discussed--that being your own H.

Edit: I meant to include a piece about remembering we are responsible for our own happiness and emotions but not others. Keep that in mind when he starts to complain about your demands or his unhappiness (like with wife). Remember he chooses everything in his life and you are not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for yours alone. Caution about overinvesting in his happiness which sets you up to be manipulated. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Starswillshine]

Another possible explanation... be knew his wife was going to post something, so he had to be proactive. He didnt want to anger you. He had to make sure you felt good. Also, it builds triangulation. Some women get off on knowing MM was thinking about them on a day he was "celebrating" his BW. It's a manipulation. Others, like yourself, are disgusted by the behavior. 

My ex did this as well. We had lots of celebrations, and he would go somewhere while I was getting ready so that it could be like a real date. So he said. Really, it was the time to smooze up his OW so she wouldnt get mad. In his case, his OW was volatile and he was scared she would tell me. In other cases, I'm sure that is on the back of the MM's mind, but also he doesnt want to give up his OW either. 

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I know the answers maybe - that I’m in a toxic relationship. I’m struggling though to make sense of what is going on. I feel stupid, weak and just plain gutted. What’s wrong with me?

It’s definitely a toxic relationship. It sounds torturous. There is nothing wrong with you, but I do hope you find a way to make a better choice for yourself someday. Best wishes. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

On 6/19/2020 at 12:22 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

It's tough I realize. I still have my own moments when I want to see the good in my own xMM because I want to see the good in people generally. In fact, most non-personality disordered people want to see the good in others.

In the midst of a confusing situation, focus only on actions. Try to focus mostly on what your needs and boundaries are, and less on his intentions. Then, measure his actions against your needs/boundaries. This helps you accomplish two things primarily:

1) you stay centered in yourself (focusing on an internal locus of control vs. his actions as external locus of control); keeps your sanity as you will decide what's right for you rather than him dictating what you get.

2) If you choose to believe his intentions are malicious rather than ignorant/negligent, you will suffer unnecessarily more from that belief. Ultimately what drives his behavior is not important when you consider whether or not your needs are better met here or elsewhere. Your needs being met are what this whole situation boils down to. Just do the math and then follow through. Be your own advocate.

This will be painful to hear but you have to remember his wife is primary, you are secondary in this scheme. Look past the mushy gushy stuff he says (and your feelings) and review the facts. Besides an emotionally charged connection, they are legally bound together.. They share assets, relatives, friends, a home, and so forth. You and he share...emotions and sex. Regardless if he hated her guts (he doesn't), he still shares a greater portion of his life with her than with you...hence she's primary, you're secondary. That means he looks to her to meet most needs, and you get to supplement wherever he finds her lackluster or wants something different.

No doubt he loves the way you make him feel, but if he loved you the way he says would he put you through all this? Wouldn't he be more considerate of how this all affects you? He may be lacking in empathy, seeing only what feels good for him while justifying/making excuses for being dishonorable to you and wife. For example, per discussion with my xMM, he justifies cheating by saying his wife has done so many things to upset him and to me, he said he never forced my participation (but he did intentionally deceive me on many points the whole way through and manipulate me so I didn't think as straight as normal).

If you want to have a conversation with your MM, first have a 'come to Jesus' conversation with yourself. You need to decide exactly what it is you want to get out of this, at what price, what are your alternatives, and at what point you will absolutely walk away if your MM attempts to move those boundaries. You should stay very firm to those decisions. Then, the conversation you should have with him is:

• I have decided x, y, and z are what is best for me.
• I am not willing to compromise on x, y, and z no matter what.
• What are you willing to do to meet my terms?
• If you are not willing to meet my terms, or if you agree and subsequently act otherwise, the consequence will be... (e.g. I will permanently disengage until you do....)

Only you can decide what terms are best for you. I would suggest putting a chasm of distance between you two until he is physically/mentally/emotionally available to meet all your needs. This is not the time to minimize your needs or make exceptions or excuses for him. He's a grown boy and he will either accomodate you or he won't. Better you know now than to invest more of yourself into a path to nowhere.

Be fearless in your requests and don't back down if he whines or complains. That's just him trying to put you back into your "place" which clearly is not working for you or your wouldn't be posting here.

If you fail to complete the above exercise, what will happen instead will be some version of:

You: We need to discuss something. 

Him: (to himself--ut oh, I'm going to have to endure some girly babble) Sure, what's up?

You: I'm concerned about this, this, annd that.

Him: Ok as soon as I can [lame excuse], I'll address this and that. [Possibbly minimizes your needs/concerns or tells you that you are too demanding, sensitive, etc. all as a means to get you to back down and get back into your "role"]

End result: Nothing changes. You are temporarily pacified. He is back to getting what he wants. Repeat cycle.

He's got a good thing going here. He's not going to want to upset the applecart so be prepared for lots of resistance however it may show up. If he won't give you want you need (most likely outcome), you have no choice but to explore your other options and walk. Obvs there is a whole other kaboodle here which I've not discussed--that being your own H.

Edit: I meant to include a piece about remembering we are responsible for our own happiness and emotions but not others. Keep that in mind when he starts to complain about your demands or his unhappiness (like with wife). Remember he chooses everything in his life and you are not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for yours alone. Caution about overinvesting in his happiness which sets you up to be manipulated. 

@HadMeOverABarrel you are so wise. And your words have so much truth to them that I cannot argue. You talk of his actions and my needs. I need consistent intimacy and closeness.  I miss it. I had the holes filled when I was seeing MM a few times a week but with quarantine it’s only been now twice in last few months though we’ve still stayed in close contact. I crave touch and deep connection- those “needs” were finally being met after 12 years of nothingness. My husband and I are still living together but divorce hasn’t yet been filed (I’ll need to as he will not) so we don’t talk to one another unless we need to. My primary relationship with husband has been missing intimacy almost from the start (I noticed this dating and ignored it- ignored that I would really NEED this).  In terms of my role with MM you are right- I am very secondary to him but mentally like all OW I want to be primary and often times forget that I am not. I feel incredibly strong for him but like my therapist has said in the past- the MM is basically providing me a sip of water as I’ve been in the desert for so long that the sip tastes like a gallon to me...when in reality it’s really just a sip. As a couple years have passed and we’re still in this dance I’m finding myself thirsty for consistency, for companionship. The loneliness as I’m spending so much more time at home is palpable. I know what I need to do. I know I need to file for divorce and keep going as I’m deserving of it all. l know I am, I’m just so scared to let go of what I have with MM. But in my heart it’s not enough. He reached out that next morning and I left some space before responding- not even to play games but just mentally exhausted. When I did he immediately responded and said  it was grueling to see my response not until hours later. He knows I’m usually available at the ready. I’m going to try for starters my best to occupy myself and keep moving forward to my goal of detachment with a new therapist. Again the answer is there- just scared but I have to believe as much as I feel I love MM there is something more for me out there even if it won’t be with him.

[SS2855]

On 6/19/2020 at 7:43 AM, BaileyB said:

It’s definitely a toxic relationship. It sounds torturous. There is nothing wrong with you, but I do hope you find a way to make a better choice for yourself someday. Best wishes. 

Thank you. I laughed to myself a little as I’ve described this and my marriage on here before and you said something like “I’d rather be single forever”. It makes sense. The marriage and the MM leave me feeling as if I have a giant black hole in my heart.

[SS2855]

On 6/19/2020 at 5:36 AM, Starswillshine said:

Another possible explanation... be knew his wife was going to post something, so he had to be proactive. He didnt want to anger you. He had to make sure you felt good. Also, it builds triangulation. Some women get off on knowing MM was thinking about them on a day he was "celebrating" his BW. It's a manipulation. Others, like yourself, are disgusted by the behavior. 

My ex did this as well. We had lots of celebrations, and he would go somewhere while I was getting ready so that it could be like a real date. So he said. Really, it was the time to smooze up his OW so she wouldnt get mad. In his case, his OW was volatile and he was scared she would tell me. In other cases, I'm sure that is on the back of the MM's mind, but also he doesnt want to give up his OW either. 

Makes sense. I know there is no right for me to be upset but it was a sock in the gut. And one which I WISH I could let him know angered me so much but again I don’t have a right do I? I know he’s married so can’t expect otherwise.

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel with the FB post, do you think I have any bearing to tell him how it hurt my feelings or is that manipulative and unfair on my part? I can’t be mad that his spouse celebrated her special day with him deservedly so, but I want to be open with him and tell him it was hard for me to see. Do I leave it be? I guess what would be the point unless I was telling him as one of the reasons the relationship is so difficult for me, but then that opens a door to evaluating and exiting which I’m not ready for . Ugh.

[BaileyB]

A hard truth here - you chose to involve yourself with a married man, you can’t now get upset because he went out for his birthday with his wife. They did what husbands and wives do on their birthdays, they celebrated together. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, I know you are very upset but you the reality is, you have no right to tell the man he can’t celebrate his birthday with his wife. If you want to be in a relationship with a man and celebrate birthdays and other holidays together, you will need to find a man who is not married. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

A hard truth here - you chose to involve yourself with a married man, you can’t now get upset because he went out for his birthday with his wife. They did what husbands and wives do on their birthdays, they celebrated together. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, I know you are very upset but you the reality is, you have no right to tell the man he can’t celebrate his birthday with his wife. If you want to be in a relationship with a man and celebrate birthdays and other holidays together, you will need to find a man who is not married. 

Thank you and you’re right- reading my question back I’m even embarrassed I asked it. Ugh. Please know my intent was not at all to tell him he has no right to celebrate his wife’s birthday- that’s ludicrous. It’s this crazy mix of emotions to get a mother load of “I can’t live without you what do we do??” to 8 hours later seeing the post that sent me in to this mental tailspin. Exactly why these relationships are so unhealthy. Appreciate your honesty I needed to hear it out loud.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry that you are struggling. I can appreciate how confusing it would be to hear a man say “I love you and I can’t live with out you” before going out with his wife for her birthday. This is exactly why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next. What he has done to you is not fair, he is leading you on and giving you false hope. But - the only person who can change that is you. Remember, his words mean nothing when they are not backed up by actions. And his actions this week, were to say a lot of words he knew you would love to hear and then go home to celebrate with his wife. Hugs.

[SS2855]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry that you are struggling. I can appreciate how confusing it would be to hear a man say “I love you and I can’t live with out you” before going out with his wife for her birthday. This is exactly why this relationship is so unhealthy for you. Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next. What he has done to you is not fair, he is leading you on and giving you false hope. But - the only person who can change that is you. Remember, his words mean nothing when they are not backed up by actions. And his actions this week, were to say a lot of words he knew you would love to hear and then go home to celebrate with his wife. Hugs.

“Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next.” Thank you and that’s what I meant when I wanted to tell him how hurtful it was- not the action as that is what married people do. But exactly to your point- I was having a lovely evening with my sister and got this barrage of love notes saying I love you and “what do we do ?!?” followed by 8 hours later a photo of date night with his spouse of them looking so happy. It just left me numb wondering if he’s a sociopath or can he really just turn it on and off like a switch. Thank you for the note- first therapist appointment with someone new this weekend I’m looking forward to. As for MM I’m putting some distance and over last few days just responding but not initiating anything.

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

“Who does that? Professes his love for a woman one day and then returns home to his family to celebrate a special occasion the next.” Thank you and that’s what I meant when I wanted to tell him how hurtful it was- not the action as that is what married people do. But exactly to your point- I was having a lovely evening with my sister and got this barrage of love notes saying I love you and “what do we do ?!?” followed by 8 hours later a photo of date night with his spouse of them looking so happy. 

I agree. It’s not a normal thing that a man with any kind of decency or moral compass would do - but you chose him. My suggestion would be, rather than focusing your attention on this man and why he does what he does... don’t you think you would be better served to look inward and ask yourself - “Why do I choose this for myself?”

We already know that this guy is not a pillar of society. How do we know that? He is lying and cheating on his wife. If he will lie to her, he will lie to you. Honey, he will tell you anything you want to hear... Whether you chose to respond to his texts and believe his words is on you. Nothing about this situation should really surprise you given what you know about this man. You can’t honestly expect him to show you respect and consideration, to be loyal and truthful and trustworthy when he has clearly not demonstrated these things toward his wife. That’s just not wise.

Looking to your affair partner to be your moral compass is like relying on a man for birth control - don’t do it! A woman would be wise in both cases to make her own decisions and protect her own health and well being. You can’t rely on the goodwill of a man who clearly has other obligations when you have the ability to make your own decisions and take action for your own best interest. He’s clearly pursuing what it is his won best interest, you should be doing the same...

Edited June 23, 2020 by BaileyB