Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[Conflicted2020]

@SS2855 Is there a way to message you privately, or are we only able to communicate here? We have so much in common and I believe we can help each other lol but Id rather not have everyone here get notifications when we talk back and forth..

[SS2855]

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

[Conflicted2020]

1 minute ago, SS2855 said:

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

so odd, I completed my profile... maybe that means something? lol

[Conflicted2020]

10 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Hi I tried to direct message you but says you can’t receive messages. Maybe someone on here knows how? I think there is a requirement on this forum you have to meet before being able to direct message? Would love to connect with you!

Try it now.. I enabled browser notifications... IDK if that worked?

[elaine567]

 I don't know the current  criteria but it used to be 50 posts or a month on the forum before a person can PM.
You can however gain PM access if you pay to support the site.
Click "Premium Subscriptions"

[Conflicted2020]

ahh, gotcha. makes sense.

[SS2855]

I’m not sure if anyone is viewing this thread anymore but I suppose I’m writing as I’m feeling so very low today as I expected. Just saw MM last week and now he is on a family vacation, as he should be, and I’m home feeling distraught, as I should be. We’ve typically checked in in the past on vacations but I have not heard anything from him last couple days since he left. Feeling low and yes nobody to blame but myself knowing this is how “it works”. I feel sad, naive, angry and like I want to crawl out of my skin. Again I can’t be mad at anyone but myself and I have made this bed, I just feel LOW and I want to feel better. I know sooo many obvious truths here. Just feeling broken hearted at the moment. Like I want to never have to hear his voice again. I’m sorry it doesn’t make much sense. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

17 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

I’m home feeling distraught, as I should be

Should you be? Are you self-loathing? It won't help. You can CHOOSE your role in this; you can choose your sentiments by choosing how much your willing to participate in this; and you can choose that you want more for yourself, love yourself more than this dysfunction.

17 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Like I want to never have to hear his voice again. I’m sorry it doesn’t make much sense. 

It doesn't have to make sense. You're beating yourself up for feeling low. Try shifting your focus to what you want for yourself. Then, list the actions/steps that will move you in that direction. Your feelings might scream to resist, but ignore those and follow your rational plan. Step by step. Nobody is going to save you but you, so pick yourself up and take that first step. 💜

[SS2855]

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. The roller coaster has become more and more intense and I feel moments of full on depression. My spouse and I are on a trial separation and I just feel like my world is spinning out of control and I want to not feel this way. Thank you for the prompt response as I needed a virtual slap in the face. It gets so intense at times I feel like I could crumble in to a million pieces. I don’t remember feeling this sort of way ever in my life before. I am reading and re-reading your words to shift my focus from this, yes self loathing.

[SS2855]

@HadMeOverABarrel do you have faith I can return to a normal being eventually? Looking at the AP as not this drug or insulin at so point? I haven’t heard from him in a couple days and literally just anxious for that “hit” in the form of a text that tells me he’s thinking about me. Ughh.. I don’t even want to respond or plan to- I just want to know.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

18 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

@HadMeOverABarrel do you have faith I can return to a normal being eventually? Looking at the AP as not this drug or insulin at so point? I haven’t heard from him in a couple days and literally just anxious for that “hit” in the form of a text that tells me he’s thinking about me. Ughh.. I don’t even want to respond or plan to- I just want to know.

Yes you can, and will when you commit to it. 

It really is a drug addiction. I'm not in the medical profession but I know that you are getting a hit of dopamine every time you interact with him. The chemical reaction in your brain is the same as taking a very strong drug for recreational use. I believe the chemical processes are similar.

If you study up on detoxing from substances, you'll probably understand what it will take to get out of this. I think it takes a few days or couple weeks of feeling low followed by a few weeks of the brain healimg from the dependency. Again I'm not in themedical field, but this is my lay understanding of it. Consider consulting experts on this.

Of course, if you continue to dabble in the substance (your MM), you'll never get to recovery. In my earliest days of disconnecting from xMM, I repeatedly told myself, "Hot stove. Don't touch the hot stove!" to remind myself there were consequences to breaking no contact. Break no contact = get burned all over again. 

All the above said, what do you want for yourself? I've described things so simplistically, and they needn't be overly complicated to succeed.  BUT there are probably other factors at play here, too. Example: maybe you're avoiding parts of yourself by staying stuck in this dead end. So long as you continue to fret over MM, you get to avoid working on your own issues. A professional would help you sort through it. 

You have to be ready to face the truth and want something different for yourself. Otherwise, you'll be on the hampster wheel until you do...or until you die.

You get to be the one to decide though. That's where your power is in all this. 

Edited August 24, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Last paragraph

[spiritedaway2003]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you @HadMeOverABarrel. The roller coaster has become more and more intense and I feel moments of full on depression. My spouse and I are on a trial separation and I just feel like my world is spinning out of control and I want to not feel this way. Thank you for the prompt response as I needed a virtual slap in the face. It gets so intense at times I feel like I could crumble in to a million pieces. I don’t remember feeling this sort of way ever in my life before. I am reading and re-reading your words to shift my focus from this, yes self loathing.

You know the saying, when it rains, it pours.  This period in your life probably feels shaky because you are on a trial separation.  That's a big life change.  You're looking outward for validation and attention from your MM to help brace major changes in your life, and his absence is hitting you harder than ever.

Are you already in IC?  If not, consider it since it helps to talk about these feelings openly, in ways that perhaps that this forum does not always allow.  I might add that the self-loathing might be an subconscious call to do things differently.  Sometimes it helps to hear and figure out what it's trying to tell you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Edited August 24, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[SS2855]

Thank you 

28 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

You're looking outward for validation and attention from your MM to help brace major changes in your life, and his absence is hitting you harder than ever.

Thank you for the kind words and you are right I believe. I am in IC and it’s helping. If you asked me today specifically why I feel so low I know it’s because I just spent the day with MM and had physical intimacy a couple days before he left for vacation. On top of that I haven’t heard from him in a couple days which is not totally surprising given he’s away with family but somewhat, so I’m left feeling used and discarded and anxious that he doesn’t love me like he says he does. Ugh I feel like if I were reading this from someone else I would wonder what the hell is she doing? And yes it’s this need for wanting to know he still wants me and is always thinking of me. 

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yes you can, and will when you commit to it. 

It really is a drug addiction. I'm not in the medical profession but I know that you are getting a hit of dopamine every time you interact with him. The chemical reaction in your brain is the same as taking a very strong drug for recreational use. I believe the chemical processes are similar.

If you study up on detoxing from substances, you'll probably understand what it will take to get out of this. I think it takes a few days or couple weeks of feeling low followed by a few weeks of the brain healimg from the dependency. Again I'm not in themedical field, but this is my lay understanding of it. Consider consulting experts on this.

Of course, if you continue to dabble in the substance (your MM), you'll never get to recovery. In my earliest days of disconnecting from xMM, I repeatedly told myself, "Hot stove. Don't touch the hot stove!" to remind myself there were consequences to breaking no contact. Break no contact = get burned all over again. 

All the above said, what do you want for yourself? I've described things so simplistically, and they needn't be overly complicated to succeed.  BUT there are probably other factors at play here, too. Example: maybe you're avoiding parts of yourself by staying stuck in this dead end. So long as you continue to fret over MM, you get to avoid working on your own issues. A professional would help you sort through it. 

You have to be ready to face the truth and want something different for yourself. Otherwise, you'll be on the hampster wheel until you do...or until you die.

You get to be the one to decide though. That's where your power is in all this. 

It really is simple just not easy right? Do you feel over your xMM and how did you get there? Looking back do you miss him?

[Lurker123]

Hey OP. hope you’re ok. I understand what you’re going through, I have been on the same rollercoaster and ridden the constant ups and downs and know how it feels to get that ‘magical’ message when he’s away saying that he misses you and can’t wait to see you when he’s back etc etc. I’m sorry to be really honest here, but I just can’t see this MM leaving his wife. Has he ever said that he is going to? If so, what steps has he taken to do this? Booking a family holiday is not, IMO, a sign that he intends to rock the boat anytime soon. I think the points that stuck in my mind the most from the advice I received were firstly- why would he leave BW and his home life when he has everything on a plate in front of him as it stands? He has her to raise his children, keep the house nice, cook his dinner, wash his clothes, sleep next to at night, make him look like a ‘great guy’ from the outside. Then he has you hanging on in the background, providing him with an ego boost and extra sex as and when he wants it. All he had to do is throw you a few breadcrumbs every now and then to keep this going- not much effort needed! This man is living the dream! He’s not worried about your feelings or future- if he really cared about you he would not be intentionally making you feel like this. Speaking again from experience- when he is forced to make a choice- I can guarantee he will choose BW. Probably under the ‘guise’ it is for the children, but he knows a OW is easier to replace rather than a whole family and his reputation. Another point that stuck with me is that whilst you are filling the very small gaps in what is lacking in his life- he is pretty much your WHOLE life. Thinking about you is something he will do occasionally when he wants one of his smaller needs met, but generally you are in the background and not his main focus. For you though- he is everything your world revolves around and when you don’t hear from him or see him- it ruins your whole day/week because you are making your entire life about him. Think about that for a moment- realise what is happening here. 
 

You are wasting the best years of your life on someone who will continue to use you either until you say enough is enough, or BW finds out. Those are your only two options- there is no other choices available to you right now. I would beg you to step out of this situation ASAP. Go fully NC immediately. Don’t be there waiting when he comes back from his lovely family holiday- as he expects you to be. Turn around and never look back. It will be excruciatingly painful and you will want every single day to contact him... but I promise you the longer you go NC, the easier it is- again I say that from experience!! I still miss MM, but I am also feeling resentful towards him and realising just how much he used me over the two years we were together- and those are the feelings that keep me strong and push me through the pain. Stay strong and keep posting. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, SS2855 said:

It really is simple just not easy right? Do you feel over your xMM and how did you get there? Looking back do you miss him?

The first steps are the hardest, and every step thereafter becomes easier. 

I am over him. No, I don't miss him or want him in my life. He made my life unnecessarily difficult. I'm happier and have more peace without him. He's not the man I thought he was. For a time, I would think it was too bad he chose to not explore a real relationship...but that's before I came into the full acceptance that I loved who I thought he was more than who he really is.

He really is a man who focuses almost exclusively on his own gratification at the expense of others. He justifies his behavior by shifting blame to those he hurts. He believed it was ok to hurt me because he was 'not forcing me to interact with him' (I'm paraphrasing his words). He believed he was justified in cheating on his wife because of things she did to him in the past (again his words). He makes excuses constantly rather than taking responsibility for himself.

What does this reveal about the truth of his character? That he's a passive aggressive lying coward who doesn't have the gonads to address life head on. Instead he resorts to game playing, deception, justifications for his callous insensitivity to how his incredible selfishness impacts others. 

I don't miss that...not at all. I am worth more than he even has the capacity to understand. He is incapable of being the type of man I need in my life. He devalued me and my contributions. There is never an excuse for that! He was unworthy of what I gave, and the more I gave, the more entitled and less appreciative he became. Do I miss that? Answer is a big "Hell no!"

[SS2855]

6 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Another point that stuck with me is that whilst you are filling the very small gaps in what is lacking in his life- he is pretty much your WHOLE life. Thinking about you is something he will do occasionally when he wants one of his smaller needs met, but generally you are in the background and not his main focus. For you though- he is everything your world revolves around and when you don’t hear from him or see him- it ruins your whole day/week because you are making your entire life about him. Think about that for a moment- realise what is happening here.

Thank you first and foremost for your response and just general support to a stranger that is clearly struggling. You said it perfectly and I need to keep hearing it. I believe that the attention he shows me and the words he says lead me to this fantasy that I am constantly front of his mind the way he is in my mind (he has said it before to me), hence this idea I have that we are both these tortured souls that are meant to be and just cannot be. In the earlier part of quarantine he would write me these romantic blurbs of being lost without me and how he wishes it was me by his side. But I know you are right. I am a very small piece of his pie, whereas for me I have made him my entire pie. Maybe I have been in denial that all those words were untrue, or that I took them as fact and built this fantasy relationship from it in my mind. It’s crazy because contrary to all of this I have a rather “fulfilling” life on the outside but it’s almost as if I want no part of anything else unless he’s in it. Or nothing else gives me the rush that he provides. That realization scares me as I try to build up strength to walk away if that truly is my only chance at healing and getting better.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, SS2855 said:

... I feel so low I know it’s because I just spent the day with MM and had physical intimacy a couple days before he left for vacation. On top of that I haven’t heard from him in a couple days

15 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I feel sad, naive, angry and like I want to crawl out of my skin. Again I can’t be mad at anyone but myself and I have made this bed, I just feel LOW and I want to feel better.

5 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

 ... I have a rather “fulfilling” life on the outside but it’s almost as if I want no part of anything else unless he’s in it.  Or nothing else gives me the rush that he provides. That realization scares me as I try to build up strength to walk away if that truly is my only chance at healing and getting better.

FWIW you do sound quite a bit like a drug addict who is very unhappy about what they are doing but also "hooked". I agree with those who are suggesting you need to get out of this and get back to standing on your own two feet emotionally and otherwise.

My understanding is that, once you're ready for this step, making contact impossible (or as close to it as possible) may help shut off the "cravings" so that your brain "leaves you alone" about him. So, if that's possible for your situation, it may help to try that at some point. I'm not sure it makes sense right now, but possibly at some future point.

[Lurker123]

32 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

My understanding is that, once you're ready for this step, making contact impossible (or as close to it as possible) may help shut off the "cravings" so that your brain "leaves you alone" about him

This. The moment I blocked MM from everything and I mean EVERYTHING was the moment when I could truly let go. It was almost like closing all the doors airtight gave me back the power and control of my own life. When there was a chance or an avenue he could contact me on- I was constantly checking that avenue to see if he had. Of course he didn’t and it was only when I put myself in control and made it so even if he did want to reach out to me he couldn’t, that I began to truly move on.  
 

Any OW can tell you the stories of the lovey dovey/meaningful/heartfelt messages that their MM sent to them. It’s part and parcel of the situation. You say he has told you he ‘wishes you were by his side’... but what steps has HE taken to make that wish that he so badly wants, come true? The power is in his hands and if he wanted it as badly as he is telling you, he would make it happen. An important thing you have to keep at the forefront of your mind is- actions speak louder than words. MM can send endless messages declaring his love, saying he ‘wishes’ you were together... but what actual ACTIONS has he taken to make this happen? My guessing would be none. Ask yourself if you want to be here in a year, 6 months or even a month? The only thing that will change about this situation is you. Make that happen now. Take that step today. I promise you it will be hard, but it will be so worth it to gain back your self respect and happiness. 

[SS2855]

You are correct he has done nothing to show me or even promise that we will be together one day. It’s more so these affirmations and then “ahh... welp, wish it were different”. I am an addict to this and was recently listening to a book on love addiction. The hardest part of NC is that we work together 😔 While I don’t see him now in quarantine I do have to interact with him time to time. Am I screwed if leaving my job is not an option? Yes I know one could argue it’s always an option but I really am happy with where I am and what I do. Tell me there is hope to getting over this with hard work even if our coworking leaves a small communication lane open.

[Amethyst68]

Are you being honest with your BH about the separation only being a trial or have you actually left him for good and he just doesn't know it yet?

I'm not trying to harsh but the term 'trial separation' gives the impression you're trying to work your way back together.

You must know you can't work on your marriage or give it a chance while being in an active affair so why not just be honest with your BH and separate?

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

24 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Am I screwed if leaving my job is not an option? Yes I know one could argue it’s always an option but I really am happy with where I am and what I do.

You are making excuses to stay pining after him. The day you truly decide to quit him is the day no other factors will matter whether you sharea workplace or not. 

25 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Tell me there is hope to getting over this with hard work even if our coworking leaves a small communication lane open.

There is hope when you DECIDE to leave this. There is only hard work after you decide, and you may be surprised to realize that hard work has less to do with your feelings for him and more to do with your own inner growth. 

[SS2855]

10 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Are you being honest with your BH about the separation only being a trial or have you actually left him for good and he just doesn't know it yet?

I'm not trying to harsh but the term 'trial separation' gives the impression you're trying to work your way back together.

You must know you can't work on your marriage or give it a chance while being in an active affair so why not just be honest with your BH and separate?

 

I called it trial as I needed the space for awhile and he was literally not doing anything (working, taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning...nothing). He will be back soon and I need to figure out next steps. Finances and children is adding another layer so I’m trying to work through logistics. I do understand this time even if every intent is to file for divorce that is exactly what I should be focused on, not the MM and road to nowhere.

[SS2855]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You are making excuses to stay pining after him. The day you truly decide to quit him is the day no other factors will matter whether you sharea workplace or not. 

There is hope when you DECIDE to leave this. There is only hard work after you decide, and you may be surprised to realize that hard work has less to do with your feelings for him and more to do with your own inner growth. 

You are right. At this moment I feel done and can’t imagine entertaining him again. I’ve lied to myself so much that I’ve been ok with this situation when I have not. This vacation he is on is solidifying everything I already know. I am truly of minimal importance. I imagine he is having a great time and yes it hurts badly that I have heard radio silence since he left- I feel like a dummy waiting in the wings. It bothers me so much and I feel like I’m stranded at sea. We have been so close and while he’s left on vacation before and we’ve had minimal contact during those times, right now it’s zero and I think the longest we have gone without contact in 2 years. It’s killing me why but that shouldn’t matter. I need to focus on how terrible I feel if or when he does reach out and try to pick things up like normal. I feel upset because I have always told him I was glad we communicated openly with each other and yes he’s on vacation but the silence is deafening and I’m doing mental gymnastics as to why not even the most brief of hellos. I want to be done badly.

[Wiseman2]

Affairs don't fix bad marriages. Attorneys do.