Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[Lurker123]

I think you need to focus less on the radio silence during the family vacay and more on the situation as a whole. I get the impression that if he sent a simple ‘I miss you’ right now, you would immediately feel better and less anxious... well for now at least. However, you need to stop letting his ‘band aid’ messages pacify you. What takes him less than 10 seconds to type and send should not be enough for you. Imagine advising a friend in this same situation. What would you say? Would you tell them to settle and remain unhappy or would you tell them to see this person for who he really is and run for the hills without looking back? 
 

Your focus right now needs to be on the separation from your husband. Do you have children? If so, now is the time to think about them and the impact the separation may be having on them. Take the time to focus on what you want going forward. Take OM out of the equation as he is not an option for the future. Think about what your future looks like without your husband in it. As other posters have recommended, perhaps look into speaking with an IC. This was something that really helped me and was the start to seeing my relationship with MM for what it really was. I have also recently been through BW finding out SINCE I ended things with MM and him asking me to lie for him and completely throwing me under the bus post affair. Although this was a difficult experience to go through, it helped me see him in a different light and also gave me the courage to be honest about what had happened with him to my ex BH and my closest friends and family. What I am trying to say is, the road ahead will be difficult, but it will be completely worth it when you look back and this is all but a distant memory and you have your happiness once again. 

[assertives]

The thing that struck me reading your last post was how you have relationship expectations of him. The normal regular kind of expectations one would have of a spouse or a committed relationship. While on his end, this was, have been and still is an extramarital affair for him. His actions matches up to that. The get together before he left for vacation should be enough to placate or temporarily pacify the other woman isn't it? Afterall, that's what the role of being an other woman entails, doing things in secret, not being able to spend enough time, other commitments and priorities comes first, etc. You are treating this affair as a committed relationship, which it's not.

I can't remember where I read this from, but I once read a post from a self-proclaimed serial cheater who admitted that he targets married women because they are likely clean and not sleeping around, and likely won't be able to demand much from him because they are married themselves. He also mentioned whenever he feels her pulling away, all he needed to do was to throw some sweet nothings here and there, and it'll usually do the trick. He also did mention that he isn't prepared to lose his wife over any other woman he gets involved with and will never leave his wife and especially not for another man's cheating wife. 

I guess try seeing this for what it truly is, an extramarital affair, and not the greatest love story of your life. Perhaps it'll help you come to terms with the reality of the situation you're finding yourself in and his actions will start to make alot of sense.

[Lurker123]

17 minutes ago, assertives said:

can't remember where I read this from, but I once read a post from a self-proclaimed serial cheater who admitted that he targets married women because they are likely clean and not sleeping around, and likely won't be able to demand much from him because they are married themselves. He also mentioned whenever he feels her pulling away, all he needed to do was to throw some sweet nothings here and there, and it'll usually do the trick. He also did mention that he isn't prepared to lose his wife over any other woman he gets involved with and will never leave his wife and especially not for another man's cheating wife. 

Makes perfect sense. Now that OP is considering separating from BH- MM will likely pull away- even more than before. Whilst she was with BH she had something to lose also, whereas away from him she is more of a ‘risk’ to MM as he assumes she will be expecting more and will likely up the pressure on him to leave BS. Nothing pours cold water on the affair flame faster than an OW who is needy and expectant! As an OW you must remember your place at all times and if it’s forgotten you’ll soon be reminded with fewer messages and attention, until you’re begging for a tiny scrap. Helps keep the expectations low and drives them lower still over time, making you the perfect OW. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

I can't remember where I read this from

From the above post.

Quote

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

[EPC82]

Quote

On 5/5/2020 at 8:48 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

it will show you the power of intermittent reinforcement/trauma bond...insightful in helping you understand the roller coaster you're experiencing.

This has just blown my mind! I can't look at my situation the same anymore. Thank you for the insight.

 

[LaceyMcAntire]

OP,  isn't it crazy how almost every affair seems like they are star crossed lovers? It seems like we all fall into that frame of mind that we are meant to be together, at the wrong time. I wonder why that is...?

[mark clemson]

^^ some might say it's your limbic system "finding ways of convincing" the rest of your brain to go forward with what it "wants".  As weird as that sounds, I think that's part of what's going on.

[Bittersweetie]

Could it be that you're focusing/obsessing on MM and his vacation to "escape" from facing your separation and all of the ramifications from that step?

The reason I bring this up...I went NC with xMM about 2-3 months or so before d-day, so by the time d-day happened, I knew I was no longer interested in xMM. Yet I found myself wanting to google him, text him, etc. I thought, why? I don't want anything to do with him, especially now! I realized that it was me looking for an escape from the hell my life had become (of my own actions and choices).

It seems like you have a lot going on outside of MM, so I just wondered if you were using this vacation obsession as an escape.

[Amethyst68]

Your poor children, they're going through one of the most stressful things a child can go through, the breakdown of their parents marriage. Their father has actually moved out of their home and their mother is obsessed with another woman's husband, another family's father. 

Who is concentrating on them just now?

[SS2855]

On 8/26/2020 at 2:41 PM, Bittersweetie said:

Could it be that you're focusing/obsessing on MM and his vacation to "escape" from facing your separation and all of the ramifications from that step?

The reason I bring this up...I went NC with xMM about 2-3 months or so before d-day, so by the time d-day happened, I knew I was no longer interested in xMM. Yet I found myself wanting to google him, text him, etc. I thought, why? I don't want anything to do with him, especially now! I realized that it was me looking for an escape from the hell my life had become (of my own actions and choices).

It seems like you have a lot going on outside of MM, so I just wondered if you were using this vacation obsession as an escape.

I think you’re right. It’s quite simply my not wanting to face untangling from my husband. Not because I don’t want to but clearly I’m moving away from it because It’s change. That and the reality of me as truly the OW becomes clearer by the minute as MM is on vacation. I realize more and more how pathetic I’ve allowed myself to become, like a floozy waiting in the wings for him to come take me off the shelf again like a toy when he’s ready to play.  
He reached out yesterday- happy as a clam with the old “I can’t wait to see again I miss you”.  I only felt annoyed by it. Just exhausted I guess playing the fool.

[SS2855]

On 8/26/2020 at 4:06 PM, Amethyst68 said:

Your poor children, they're going through one of the most stressful things a child can go through, the breakdown of their parents marriage. Their father has actually moved out of their home and their mother is obsessed with another woman's husband, another family's father. 

Who is concentrating on them just now?

Contrary to your judgement I am mothering as best I can. They are very happy and very loved. I use this forum for the very reason to let it all out as when I’m with them I push it far down as possible to be present. Am I my best self right now? No. That’s why I’m trying to get there.

[SS2855]

On 8/26/2020 at 10:12 AM, LaceyMcAntire said:

OP,  isn't it crazy how almost every affair seems like they are star crossed lovers? It seems like we all fall into that frame of mind that we are meant to be together, at the wrong time. I wonder why that is...?

Yes! It truly feels like that at times and my guess is because it’s a fantasy relationship. Everything problematic in a normal relationship is muted, so we are only seeing them at their best, and vice versa. It really is an extreme mental disillusionment 😔 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

 I only felt annoyed by it.

This is progress. Stay with this.

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

He reached out yesterday- happy as a clam with the old “I can’t wait to see again I miss you”.

This is priming you, like priming a pump for a drink.  He was happy having fun on vacation with his family, not contacting you (probably not thinking of you much--sorry--out of sight, out of mind). He wasn't bored enough on vacation to reach out to you. 

Now he's about to return to his monotonous routine, he's priming you for some exciting "action" on his return to break up the doldrums of everyday life and get some "stress relief."  You're his excitement and entertainment and diversion from ordinary life. You're his "extra" like eating loads of ice cream that won't make him fat.

Don't let him use you like this. Nobody can stop it but you! 

[SS2855]

2 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This is progress. Stay with this.

This is priming you, like priming a pump for a drink.  He was happy having fun on vacation with his family, not contacting you (probably not thinking of you much--sorry--out of sight, out of mind). He wasn't bored enough on vacation to reach out to you. 

Now he's about to return to his monotonous routine, he's priming you for some exciting "action" on his return to break up the doldrums of everyday life and get some "stress relief."  You're his excitement and entertainment and diversion from ordinary life. You're his "extra" like eating loads of ice cream that won't make him fat.

Don't let him use you like this. Nobody can stop it but you! 

You are right. I just can’t pretend it any longer and this weird part of me, while I ache for him, in a way I feel like I don’t want him/it anymore. Trust me I’m thirsty and very obviously desperate for intimacy and love, but the space apart makes me truly realize in my heart I’m playing a very meek fool and wow does it not feel great. I was extremely swept up, particularly during the earlier part of quarantine when he was away, and very clearly I felt missed. He was bathing me with sentiments of love non-stop and asking “what do we do?! I need you, I love you, I’m lost without you”.  Now it’s almost like “ah well, whatcha gonna do”. The absolute crusher was an evening of a barrage of texts on how much he needs me and can’t lose me. And now it’s  Like a let’s just enjoy what we have .. and me? I just don’t want to feel used any longer. He’s now reached out a few times. I’ve responded but kept it short. I know he’s likely coming back this weekend but I haven’t asked when or any details. It’s baby steps but I have full on not initiated any contact nor plan to. I know it’s not a huge step but maybe I’m getting stronger. I ache but I also have no desire at all to see him, plan with him, give the excited response I usually do. It’s crushing to feel, I mean truly feel a minimal piece of someone’s life as said before I have sadly made him just about all of mine.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I know it's difficult, especially when you're just trying to change. 

For me, it feels like a million years ago now...

and I ain't going back! The peace, balance, clarity I now have blow my time pining after xMM out of the water. There were moments I enjoyed his company, especially loved the way he would see the world, but it came at a massive cost. Just not worth it.

Make this commitment to yourself. Be steadfast and eventually you'll be so appreciative to yourself that you did. 

Edited August 28, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Spelling

[Amethyst68]

15 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Contrary to your judgement I am mothering as best I can. They are very happy and very loved. I use this forum for the very reason to let it all out as when I’m with them I push it far down as possible to be present. Am I my best self right now? No. That’s why I’m trying to get there.

I'm not saying your children are not looked after but you should read some posts from MW who have come out the other end and realised just how much of their family lives they've missed once they're being honest with themselves.

It's the realisation they've been at that dance recital or sports event, even that walk in the park this year and spent the whole time trading messages with their MM, or checking their phone, waiting, worrying why that next message isn't here yet. Realising you've missed conversations because you've been daydreaming about your future with your MM instead of being in the present with your family.

I've read it here, in these threads, it's not till NC is well established that people realise how much the affair has taken from their lives.

 

[Destiny09]

I have been with my  AP for about 6 months and you are correct. I am just realizing now that the last few months I have not been in the “present” with my kids.  My kids are in HS and do their own thing now. But, still... 
I have been trying to schedule one-on-one time with each.  I am going through a divorce right now which is final in a few months (got pushed back to to covid; courts were closed... it should have been final by now, but H is delaying the process) This  makes it even harder for the kids. My son is angry that we are getting a divorce.  My H is playing the victim with my kids too. My AP feels like an escape for me(the high). He recently pulled back on me (the low).  He said he wants no physical contact until the D is final (we never had sex, but now, no kissing, touching at all). We just meet at his work talk & have lunch. I wonder how much longer I can be on this roller coaster ride! It really takes a shot at your self esteem/self worth.  
And then you get that little text; your high! 
Never thought I would be the OW (AP is not married, no kids, but lives with GF). But, here I am. Someone’s dirty little secret; side dish, EA, while she gets the physical part? He could leave her, but doesn’t/hasn’t; has never said he will leave her. Why do we do this to ourselves!  

[Destiny09]

And let me add onto how the OW must feel...

Met with AP tonight for a drink(at his work of course).  I get to be the hidden, the ugly lie; the dirty secret. He left an hour later to take his GF out with   “Their friends”.  She is who gets the nice dinners, gets to be out with “their friends”.  And I am the ugly secret.  BUT, of course, the words: I see YOU more than my GF, I love YOU, I think about YOU all the time! 
Then, why are you still with the GF?
 

[SS2855]

On 8/28/2020 at 8:35 AM, Amethyst68 said:

I'm not saying your children are not looked after but you should read some posts from MW who have come out the other end and realised just how much of their family lives they've missed once they're being honest with themselves.

It's the realisation they've been at that dance recital or sports event, even that walk in the park this year and spent the whole time trading messages with their MM, or checking their phone, waiting, worrying why that next message isn't here yet. Realising you've missed conversations because you've been daydreaming about your future with your MM instead of being in the present with your family.

I've read it here, in these threads, it's not till NC is well established that people realise how much the affair has taken from their lives.

 

I understand and you are right because I know sadly that has been me. On the outside I can be very present but you’re right, my mind is wandering. Vacillating between waiting for the next text and wondering how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, etc.

[SS2855]

On 8/28/2020 at 5:27 AM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I know it's difficult, especially when you're just trying to change. 

For me, it feels like a million years ago now...

and I ain't going back! The peace, balance, clarity I now have blow my time pining after xMM out of the water. There were moments I enjoyed his company, especially loved the way he would see the world, but it came at a massive cost. Just not worth it.

Make this commitment to yourself. Be steadfast and eventually you'll be so appreciative to yourself that you did. 

Do you think they ever felt in love? My MM would tell me he loved me. If it’s slowed do you think they fall out of love, fake the words or just (And what I want to think) is he knows he’s hurting me the more he says it and pulls away for that reason (he has said he worries knowing he can’t deliver everything I deserve). 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

7 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Do you think they ever felt in love? My MM would tell me he loved me. If it’s slowed do you think they fall out of love, fake the words or just (And what I want to think) is he knows he’s hurting me the more he says it and pulls away for that reason (he has said he worries knowing he can’t deliver everything I deserve). 

I don't know. It's a question I grappled with. In my situation, I believe he definitely felt a strong attraction to me. He respected me on some level. He liked communicating with me and enjoyed my company. He was sexually attracted to me. He admired me in some ways. He told me all these things at various points. At one time he even said I was the only thing that gave him joy in his life. I think he was depressed at the time. I think these things were sincere in the moment. It doesn't dilute my earlier comments though, and he definitely put me through my paces as far as him being unavailable and unreliable, etc. 

Did he love me? Dunno.  Maybe in his own way, but never enough to feel I was worth the sacrifice to have a real relationship with me or actually treat me with the level of dignity I deserve. And that's the key part to focus on.

Over time, I've come to realize the meaning of words like "We teach people how to treat us" through what we accept from them. It hardly matters what we say in objection to their behavior, but much more in how we respond to it. 

Do we continue to make ourselves available to someone who treats us with low regard or poor esteem? Doing so communicates a bad message to the person hurting us. It says that no matter how much we complain, we really are ok with their poor treatment because we keep showing up for it. 

If he loves you, what does it change...if you don't love yourself enough to say no to less than your worth?

Edited August 31, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
All my edits are for typos unless otherwise stated :)

[SS2855]

13 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I don't know. It's a question I grappled with. In my situation, I believe he definitely felt a strong attraction to me. He respected me on some level. He liked communicating with me and enjoyed my company. He was sexually attracted to me. He admired me in some ways. He told me all these things at various points. At one time he even said I was the only thing that gave him joy in his life. I think he was depressed at the time. I think these things were sincere in the moment. It doesn't dilute my earlier comments though, and he definitely put me through my paces as far as him being unavailable and unreliable, etc. 

Did he love me? Dunno.  Maybe in his own way, but never enough to feel I was worth the sacrifice to have a real relationship with me or actually treat me with the level of dignity I deserve. And that's the key part to focus on.

Over time, I've come to realize the meaning of words like "We teach people how to treat us" through what we accept from them. It hardly matters what we say in objection to their behavior, but much more in how we respond to it. 

Do we continue to make ourselves available to someone who treats us with low regard or poor esteem? Doing so communicates a bad message to the person hurting us. It says that no matter how much we complain, we really are ok with their poor treatment because we keep showing up for it. 

If he loves you, what does it change...if you don't love yourself enough to say no to less than your worth?

Always great points. I think there is a comfort in wanting to know at the time they felt and were feeling it too which I believe was the case. And yes it shouldn’t matter in the end should it. I realize I can analyze all that I want when it’s clearly quite simple. He (nor I, really)  am available, but IF I’m ok with it (and clearly emotionally I haven’t been) I can hang around as the low priority or get out. That’s all really once you remove the emotion from it.  Someone had said earlier that It’s like I’m expecting treatment back of a traditional partner but that’s not what he is. The actions of our relationship feels like we are in a traditional relationship, and only when things like vacations occur, for example, is where I’m jolted back in to reality that we are not a legitimate couple. As I am accepting that as reality I hope to be able to change my mindset.

[HowToQuit]

33 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

The actions of our relationship feels like we are in a traditional relationship, and only when things like vacations occur, for example, is where I’m jolted back in to reality that we are not a legitimate couple.

I think you might be tricking yourself into this illusion of “traditional relationship” actions... do you go openly for dinners? meet each other friends? Does he rush to see you when you are unwell and brings you some food?

 

[SS2855]

38 minutes ago, HowToQuit said:

I think you might be tricking yourself into this illusion of “traditional relationship” actions... do you go openly for dinners? meet each other friends? Does he rush to see you when you are unwell and brings you some food?

 

No you missed my point. That’s it exactly- it can feel in a way like a traditional relationship and most of that was the many work travels we had where we were able to go to dinner openly, hold hands, etc. The messages felt like boyfriend/girlfriend where in reality that’s my point- I realize when it comes down to it like all the things you mention above (being there when I need him, meeting each others friends, family, etc.) is the reality. Yes I carried myself in a way or lost myself through the illusion of feeling like a couple when in fact we are not.

[HowToQuit]

4 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Yes I carried myself in a way or lost myself through the illusion of feeling like a couple when in fact we are not.

You and I, and many many more women.... hugs. My biggest learning was that until you are 100% committed to making it end; it will NOT end. Only you can decided what to do and we can support you through it.