How to stop overcompensating in a relationship?

[enchanted771]

I’ve had the habit of overcompensating in past relationships to make the guy happy thinking it would make him more interested in me. Nope. It didn’t make him see my value and I felt like he didn’t make me a priority. Most of the time all his friends were a priority. I didn’t allow him to earn his way into his life, and I was always trying to do things to keep him interested. What can I do different? I would pursue him too heavily too..I don’t feel he really swooned me at all, or was ever really focused on me. He was always more into his phone and if a man is into you, he will be more focused on you..imo anyways 

[Weezy1973]

Seems like you already know the answer. Don’t chase a guy too much. You can let him know you’re interested and then let him do the work. If he doesn’t, move on. 

[beentheredonethat77]

In dating, moreso at the start of relationships, i find my approach to be really warm/friendly (my usual personality) but busy and often unavailable... to be the best combo.  I like to be just a little out of reach at the start.   Never aloof or rude... but just not quite tangible.  This isnt hard for me as i am a busy person and i also am a little careful at the start -- but i do notice whenever i change this up to be all focussed and attentive and trying extra hard to please them, their interest /respect for me seems to shift and they stop prioritizing me as much.  

Edited June 19, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Gaeta]

One kind gesture at a time and you wait for them to reciprocate. 

He is nice, you're nice back to him once. 

You can initiate something nice toward him then wait the kind gesture is returned to you. 

Do not add kind gestures over kind gestures, you have to get something in return. 

Once you are in a well established relationship you drop that rule but at the very beginning it will help you keep your integrity through the dating process. 

[Cookiesandough]

Get your own life/priorities outside of a relationship and you won’t have the time nor inclination for that 

[d0nnivain]

You need to learn your own value.  Once you know that it will be easier for you to sit back & allow a man to impress you. 

I'm not advocating game playing here but some times people need metrics in their lives to curb their worst instincts.  I had a 12 date rule before sleeping with a man.  Of course there were times I'd break that rule by my choice but not to "catch" or "keep" a guy but because I wanted to.  I bent the rule too like joking that flowers equaled a date & dates on holidays counted twice.    Another rule was that if I missed a call I would wait 45 minutes - 1 hour to call back.  That is different then not answering if I was otherwise free.  I rarely accepted last minute dates.  To some extent I couldn't.  I had social & work obligations.  If you wanted on my calendar you needed to schedule in advance.  It was very rare that if somebody called me & said, wanna hang out later that I had the freedom to say yes. I usually had something else already planned.  I also never cancelled plans with a friend to go on a date.  when I was younger, Friday nights were for my female friends & Saturdays were for boys & dates.  A group of up made that pact when we were about 16 so that if somebody didn't have a BF she still had some weekend social life.  You gotta give a man a chance too.  Hesitate slightly when approaching a door to see if he opens it for you.  Let the check sit there a minute rather then reaching to grab it from the wait person before it hits the table.   Bottom line was all about being true to yourself  & not making things too easy for the new guy.  

If a guy is on his phone while out with you, speak up.  Point blank ask from across the table if he'd prefer if you text him.  If that doesn't cause him to put the phone away, text bye & leave.  

Do not chase.  Just don't.  You have to let them come to you.  Men value things & women they have to work for.  If you fall into his lap (or bed) & it wasn't a challenge he will not put in effort.  

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

In dating, moreso at the start of relationships, i find my approach to be really warm/friendly (my usual personality) but busy and often unavailable... to be the best combo.  I like to be just a little out of reach at the start.   Never aloof or rude... but just not quite tangible.  This isnt hard for me as i am a busy person and i also am a little careful at the start -- but i do notice whenever i change this up to be all focussed and attentive and trying extra hard to please them, their interest /respect for me seems to shift and they stop prioritizing me as much.  

 

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to learn your own value.  Once you know that it will be easier for you to sit back & allow a man to impress you. 

I'm not advocating game playing here but some times people need metrics in their lives to curb their worst instincts.  I had a 12 date rule before sleeping with a man.  Of course there were times I'd break that rule by my choice but not to "catch" or "keep" a guy but because I wanted to.  I bent the rule too like joking that flowers equaled a date & dates on holidays counted twice.    Another rule was that if I missed a call I would wait 45 minutes - 1 hour to call back.  That is different then not answering if I was otherwise free.  I rarely accepted last minute dates.  To some extent I couldn't.  I had social & work obligations.  If you wanted on my calendar you needed to schedule in advance.  It was very rare that if somebody called me & said, wanna hang out later that I had the freedom to say yes. I usually had something else already planned.  I also never cancelled plans with a friend to go on a date.  when I was younger, Friday nights were for my female friends & Saturdays were for boys & dates.  A group of up made that pact when we were about 16 so that if somebody didn't have a BF she still had some weekend social life.  You gotta give a man a chance too.  Hesitate slightly when approaching a door to see if he opens it for you.  Let the check sit there a minute rather then reaching to grab it from the wait person before it hits the table.   Bottom line was all about being true to yourself  & not making things too easy for the new guy.  

If a guy is on his phone while out with you, speak up.  Point blank ask from across the table if he'd prefer if you text him.  If that doesn't cause him to put the phone away, text bye & leave.  

Do not chase.  Just don't.  You have to let them come to you.  Men value things & women they have to work for.  If you fall into his lap (or bed) & it wasn't a challenge he will not put in effort.  

 

 

This is where men men and women are different...with men they pursue you. When they feel you are a couple thry relax and be thrmselves.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

This is where men men and women are different...with men they pursue you. When they feel you are a couple thry relax and be thrmselves.

Understood but I believe the OP is talking about the beginning during the courtship phase.  Even then these guys aren't chasing the OP yet she's bending over backwards.  

The chase can't happen forever.  But some of the little niceties should still exist.  Even though it's our money, DH pays the restaurant checks.  He still opens doors for me etc.    Obviously if I miss a call from my husband I call him right back; even once the relationship was established I stopped being focused on coming on too strong.  

[Versacehottie]

Lots of great advice here already.  The other thing I would say as well is that you are probably jumping to the end (which I say to various posters all the time) in that you decide you want him to be your boyfriend and then act to "win him over" from then on.  That's a big mistake.  Try to not look to the future, keep it date by date, moment by moment.  Stay in the present.  That keeps it more where you are evaluating what he is showing you on a daily basis and not over investing because of some fantasy you have decided you want to come true...which in fact, he might not even be able to live up to.  Just tell yourself you are gathering information.  You have to treat yourself as the GATEKEEPER to who you allow into your life and vet that person at every step of the way to make sure they deserve entrance.  Especially keeping in mind that time is finite and allowing them in will displace other priorities (eventually)--such as other friends, other potential guys you can date, time with your family and time with you hobbies/interests and perhaps your full dedication to your career.

Regulating what goes on in your mind and where you allow your mind to go in terms of expectations is what you need to do and your responsibility and to your benefit.  If you were calibrated to see things on a date to date, in the moment basis and not already hoped for this guy as a boyfriend, you might have seen excessive phone use when he's supposed to be spending time with you and having fun with you as something that just simply was incompatible or not attractive about him---instead of seeing it as something that annoyed you and that you begrudgingly put up with because you decided you already qualified him as boyfriend material and wanted that from him.  it's a distinct difference and what goes on in your head will inform how you interact with others, shapes your language and choices conveying parity with the other person and you should see less of them taking you for granted.  It will most likely make a real turnaround in the fact that you won't be trying to win him over but seeing if he meets your standards of "good boyfriend" (your generic mindset of what that is and does he measure up and how to your ideal).

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Men value things & women they have to work for.  If you fall into his lap (or bed) & it wasn't a challenge he will not put in effort.  

 

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You can let him know you’re interested and then let him do the work.

A long time ago I was referred to as "the last of a dying breed" and statements like the two that I've quoted here certainly reinforce that notion.  I am a lone wolf who makes his own rules and doesn't abide by any of these silly relationship games, rituals, and conventions.  

Almost all of my first dates have ended with sex.  Some of them were one night stands, but many of them became women that I dated for at least a month or got into a full-blown relationship with.  It really had no bearing on the amount of effort I put into the relationship (or prospective relationship) nor did I value these women any more or any less than the ones who made me wait.  Sex doesn't have to be taboo or follow some set pattern of rules.  If you're highly attracted to one another and just had a great date with great conversation and a lot of chemistry as well as sexual chemistry, then who says you can't enjoy one another sexually at the conclusion of the evening?

All of my first dates are also dinner dates.  I don't do rote middle-of-the day coffee dates that feel more like a job interview or business meeting.  If I like you enough or find you attractive enough to ask you out, we'll have dinner and drinks.  

Likewise, I haven't been all that keen on women who play the game of letting [me/us guys] know you're interested only to have [me] do all the work.  How about when there's mutual interest we both put effort into it?  I will do plenty of things to make you feel special and valued, but I'm not going to find you more valuable if I'm the one putting forth the lion's share of the effort and pursuing you like you're prey.  I will move on to someone who takes the same approach to dating and relationships that I do: no games, no conventions, no rules, just go with the flow.  It doesn't have to be an elaborate ritual or complex mating dance so let's stop overcomplicating it and maybe we'll all have better dating experiences and relationships without so much confusion, mixed messages, guessing games, and having to come to forums like this one for advice on how to interpret and decipher what the opposite sex is thinking, saying, and doing. 

Just my 2 cents.

Edited June 19, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[Weezy1973]

@Fresh_Start I agree with you, but in the case of the OP, it doesn’t seem like there was mutual interest. She was more interested than he was. 

[mark clemson]

For better or worse, "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen" is a thing. Just don't go overboard with it or it can backfire. As people are pointing out, some men, when they "know" they have the upper hand in the relationship will value you less. That goes for some women too I suspect. I think the approach of being "fun and interested" but also busy with your own stuff mentioned by a poster above may be a good balance.

[Ruby Slippers]

A man respects and desires you a lot more when you have a backbone and the courage to stand up for what's right for yourself. Nobody respects a doormat.

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Fresh_Start I agree with you, but in the case of the OP, it doesn’t seem like there was mutual interest. She was more interested than he was. 

I understand and that's shame on him for stringing her along instead of being more forthright about his feelings and intentions.  It's shame on her too for allowing it to continue instead of ending the relationship sooner or having a healthy conversation about it to let him know that if he didn't start meeting her halfway she would move on. 

What I said in my previous post still applies.  She shouldn't have to play games (ie, the "3 day rule", playing hard to get, waiting X number of dates before sleeping with a guy, etc.) just to have a relationship.  The right guy will be interested and committed without all of the superfluous jockeying.   

Edited June 19, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[ShyViolet]

If you feel like you need to keep trying so hard to make him like you, then he's not that into you.  Don't chase a guy like that.  A relationship shouldn't be so much work... if it's that much work to keep it going then it's not working.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Understood but I believe the OP is talking about the beginning during the courtship phase.  Even then these guys aren't chasing the OP yet she's bending over backwards.  

The chase can't happen forever.  But some of the little niceties should still exist.  Even though it's our money, DH pays the restaurant checks.  He still opens doors for me etc.    Obviously if I miss a call from my husband I call him right back; even once the relationship was established I stopped being focused on coming on too strong.  

 

Thst is eye of the beholder subjective. He may think it’s a relationship so he relaxes on the courtship and goes back to talking to his buddies.

 

[smackie9]

The key is to not invest in someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. Dump this guy and find someone that will make you their priority. TBH a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them. He's a lazy dater/BF. I dated someone like this for about 3 weeks, and kicked him to the curb. Best thing I ever did because I wasn't going to waste my time.

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Fresh_Start I agree with you, but in the case of the OP, it doesn’t seem like there was mutual interest. She was more interested than he was. 

I agree to.  I think the key is to be able to calibrate things to the person and the environment in front of you.  Failure to see what the other person is giving and their pace has undone many a promising relationship.