Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Juha]

On 6/19/2020 at 11:14 AM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

To give you a further understanding to her character, she said that if she came up to me then she would be willing to risk the fine if she got caught (but failed to mention the fact that she would also be turned away on the spot as well as fined.)

That's her logic.

Obviously based off of this she is more into you than you into her

[DKT3]

16 minutes ago, Juha said:

Obviously based off of this she is more into you than you into her

She said but didn't actually do it.  Words are easy

[Juha]

On 6/20/2020 at 12:54 PM, MickeyBill said:

I am usually one to look on the bright side (didn't work in my divorce) and give people the benefit of the doubt, as jumping to conclusions has not worked well for me in the past. I am not in the BTW club, and think that once you are on a infidelity site asking questions there is something going on, either real or imagined/exaggerated.

So in reading your posts I kept thinking that she may be testing you, "playing chicken" with you by having Gary over. Trying to force you into making the trip to see her. But then I go back to your first post about how she was becoming close to him, which is different that just mentioning a new guy at work, and why she didn't answer when she was with him (red flag) So I will go against the popular opinion here and say that you should un block her. Don't contact her but maybe listen to her side (all we know is yours so we are on your side) when she starts to blow up your phone. While 2 years is not a long time relationship it's longer than some! But it may also have been an "exit affair" where she is too weak to break up so she does something that you won't be able to forgive. Like a sleepover that you objected to.

As one who has been ghosted, I can tell you it is very tough. And to me I felt it was unfair.

 

 

I agree with this also, you should not block her.  Two year relationship and you are going to block them without even talking?

That is immature in my book.  I am not defending her at all here but to tell her off,the hang up on her, and block them is immature.

 

Just think a two year relationship should have a proper burial.  Not good to make enemies or treat people like that.

That is just me, I guess..

 

I wish you luck

[Hollywood-Tourist]

30 minutes ago, Juha said:

100% correct here.  Sorry man but you dropped the ball here, what 's going on with your gf is 100% your fault.

 

Yes, you initially did not see her due to the virus but now the facts are known and you could see her but have made the choice not to.

She is not going to wait around for you to find your balls as her man to see her.

Women want strong men as their bf's...

 

Sorry man, hopefully you can find someone closer to your location to date 

 

The other thing is you see women where you live and make this distance relationship different.

When you see each other you are together, when you are apart date others and make it casual until one of you 

move to the other.  That's if that has even been the plan.  Two years have you discussed plans on moving closer?

I don't agree with you that this is my fault. Everything was fine up until lockdown, the first few months of lockdown we found it hard not seeing each other as we normally would have. It was only when we wanted to have our holiday time together combined with the fact that lockdown banned any non-essential travel that things got really tough for both of us.

I didn't travel to see her purely for health reasons, I didn't want to risk potentially contracting the virus or her contracting it from me (even though we both have never had any symptoms of it.) She wasn't happy about it but understood my decision in time.

14 minutes ago, Juha said:

True 100%   She has realized you do not have her back, support her, adore her at all with not wanting to see her.

If you truly adored, loved, and liked spending time with your gf you would do whatever you needed to see her.

Rules or no rules.  

 

The virus is not very serious to be honest unless you have underlying health issues.

She has realized that I don't want to risk any contracting of the virus but she's pissed off because our time together didn't go ahead because lockdown travel restrictions prevented that, not necessarily me.

Are you for real? The virus is very much serious, don't you watch the news? You are just showing your ignorance.

11 minutes ago, Juha said:

Obviously based off of this she is more into you than you into her

Not true, she was the love of my life and I'd do anything for her.

[Juha]

Hollywood T   Not saying it is your fault totally.  It is both of your faults.

Yes, I am on top of this virus and with who I know and what I know it is not serious.

I am not going to get into a debate about it, all I will say is if you watch the tv then I can understand why you feel how you do.

I can assure you I am not ignorant.  Please don't be insulting...

 

Just not into blocking people unless absolutely needed and with a two year relationship think blocking 

 and ghosting someone is not cool, unless needed.

 

Either way I wish you luck

 

[Mystery4u]

2 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Not true, she was the love of my life and I'd do anything for her.

Do anything for her? That must be a joke right? Anything like go see her during the 'lockdown'...?

If she was the love of your life, you wouldn't just block her. Such an immature and childish thing to do, instead of ending the relationship by communicating like an adult.

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Juha said:

Yes, you initially did not see her due to the virus but now the facts are known and you could see her but have made the choice not to

He is in Wales, he would be still be breaking the lock down to go see her, as would she.
There are plans to ease the lockdown  as regards travel on July 6th, if all goes to plan.
At the moment, travel is only allowed in a  5km radius and travel from/to England is not allowed.

[elaine567]

People end relationships in all different sorts of ways.
Is there a "good" way?
I doubt it.
NC works very well, especially when there is a dealbreaker and there is nothing to discuss.
The woman entertained another man in her abode and organised for him stay the night.
I am not sure there is much to discuss after that...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He is in Wales, he would be still be breaking the lock down to go see her, as would she.
There are plans to ease the lockdown  as regards travel on July 6th, if all goes to plan.
At the moment, travel is only allowed in a  5km radius and travel from/to England is not allowed.

Elaine is right, that is correct regarding the travelling restrictions still currently in place.

I've been in an impossible situation regarding travel/health but chose to be sensible, and that is what seems to be a contributing factor to the breakdown of the relationship. 

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Juha said:

If you truly adored, loved, and liked spending time with your gf you would do whatever you needed to see her.

Rules or no rules.  

Like driving through with force through a blocked road, being chased down by police, abandonning car and  hiding in the woods till it clears, then hitch  hicking to his girlfriend, being on the 6 O'clock news, losing his job, and going to jail.........that type of do what ever?

Edited June 22, 2020 by Gaeta

[Hollywood-Tourist]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Like driving through with force through a blocked road, being chased down by police, abandonning car and  hiding in the woods till it clears, then hiticking to his girlfriend, being on the 6 O'clock news, losing his job, and going to jail.........that type of do what ever?

My sentiments exactly. I have seen and I know people who have been stopped by the Police at checkpoints to check their reasons for travelling and no doubt they would be refused onward travelling accordingly if they were found to be flouting the rules.

As much as I would have loved to have seen her, it just wasn't worth the risk, nor was it worth risking either of our health either. 

People that ignore the rules and think they know better or are immune to the virus are the reason we may see a second spike and in turn a second lockdown......essentially starting all over again.

I have complied throughout with the rules and guidelines and yes, like many people, it is very difficult and testing in many ways. It's unprecedented times we need to remember, but the majority are complying until we beast this horrible virus once and for all.

[Roswell91]

On 6/19/2020 at 12:41 PM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

We have been dating for nearly 2yrs.

It's a long distance relationship so I don't see her as often as I would like. The virus that's ongoing has not helped things whatsoever,

I think being a 49  year old woman she should know better overall. One could argue that at least she told you, it would have been just  as easy to not say a word.

 

However the situation is still weird. 😐 if the roles were reversed there is no way she would be ok with that. 

Its up to you what you want to do now. Do you want to be in a long-distance relationship whereby you'll be paranoid as to who she will invite over next to stay the night.

 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, Roswell91 said:

I think being a 49  year old woman she should know better overall. One could argue that at least she told you, it would have been just  as easy to not say a word.

 

However the situation is still weird. 😐 if the roles were reversed there is no way she would be ok with that. 

Its up to you what you want to do now. Do you want to be in a long-distance relationship whereby you'll be paranoid as to who she will invite over next to stay the night.

 

I ended it with her a few days ago.

But I know what you mean, at her age she should know better and especially in her position as his manager - it just seems like she's mixing business with pleasure.

Yes she was honest and upfront about it and I respect her for that, but still the whole idea of what she did does not sit well with me.

Absolutely, if I did what she did with a female colleague then she would probably be mad at me and say no, so why should it be different with me? It's so unfair.

 

[Crazelnut]

Ignore the nonsense blaming you. You did nothing wrong. The virus is serious, and any woman who expects you to break the law to see her isn't a good partner. Heal and be well, HT.

[Roswell91]

21 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I ended it with her a few days ago.

But I know what you mean, at her age she should know better and especially in her position as his manager - it just seems like she's mixing business with pleasure.

Yes she was honest and upfront about it and I respect her for that, but still the whole idea of what she did does not sit well with me.

Absolutely, if I did what she did with a female colleague then she would probably be mad at me and say no, so why should it be different with me? It's so unfair.

 

How did she react to you ending it?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

12 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Ignore the nonsense blaming you. You did nothing wrong. The virus is serious, and any woman who expects you to break the law to see her isn't a good partner. Heal and be well, HT.

Thanks Crazelnut. 🙂 

I'm just surprised at my girlfriend (ex) who was normally a very sensible woman why she got so offended when I told her that in the interests of our health and safety that it wasn't a good idea to meet each other at the moment. Anyway, that ship has sailed now.

I think a lot of people underestimate the severity of the virus, but the sacrifices that wee have and are making on this pandemic are hopefully only going to be for a limited time. Many people are too impatient out there and think there's nothing to worry about just because they haven't had any symptoms.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

3 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

How did she react to you ending it?

She wasn't too happy about it initially but then started saying that nothing happened at her house that night. I ended the call when she started to mention that as I don't believe her.

[Emilie Jolie]

A bit late to the party, but good for you for sticking to your guns.

Playing devil's advocate - I'm normally a fairly well-adjusted person but this lockdown has impacted my mental health in some unexpected ways - not to the point of drinking and inviting 30yo colleagues to play video games, but enough that at least 2 people around me are telling me to try and take it easy.

The situation will start to ease off soon in the UK (I think from July 4th) so it's a bit unfortunate that your gf couldn't wait that long, but I have some sympathy for her. Don't be too harsh on her; she probably missed you a lot.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

A bit late to the party, but good for you for sticking to your guns.

Playing devil's advocate - I'm normally a fairly well-adjusted person but this lockdown has impacted my mental health in some unexpected ways - not to the point of drinking and inviting 30yo colleagues to play video games, but enough that at least 2 people around me are telling me to try and take it easy.

The situation will start to ease off soon in the UK (I think from July 4th) so it's a bit unfortunate that your gf couldn't wait that long, but I have some sympathy for her. Don't be too harsh on her; she probably missed you a lot.

I'll admit that it wasn't easy to stick to my guns, in essence closing the door on someone I love. I still love her despite what she did, but I don't think I can forgive what she did and that was the reason I ended it - it's the whole principle behind it.

I feel sorry that you've also suffered from this lockdown, if it's any consolation to you I've been finding it very very difficult too and I completely understand what you mean about the impact that it can and has had on mental health. The same as you, I haven't been drinking either but have struggled to cope at times - I still don't feel right 100% either.

You are correct, I heard that things are supposed to ease soon too and if this lockdown hadn't happened then I'd probably not be in this situation. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 but I have some sympathy for her. Don't be too harsh on her; she probably missed you a lot.

Many couples are apart months out of the year because of work or distance. They don't invite friends of opposite sex to spend the night. 

We recognize a person's integrity during difficult times. 

If I  miss my boyfriend a lot, the last thing I want is another man sitting at his place at the table, another man sitting on his spot in front of tv, and I would certainly not cook for another man than my bf. 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Many couples are apart months out of the year because of work or distance. They don't invite friends of opposite sex to spend the night. 

We recognize a person's integrity during difficult times. 

If I  miss my boyfriend a lot, the last thing I want is another man sitting at his place at the table, another man sitting on his spot in front of tv, and I would certainly not cook for another man than my bf. 

Not sure what you got from my post, but I wasn't advocating cheating? 

Mental health isn't just about relationships.

It's great that you have no mental health issues, but to be honest it may just mean you can't fully empathise. 

Lucky you, I guess...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Many couples are apart months out of the year because of work or distance. They don't invite friends of opposite sex to spend the night. 

We recognize a person's integrity during difficult times. 

If I  miss my boyfriend a lot, the last thing I want is another man sitting at his place at the table, another man sitting on his spot in front of tv, and I would certainly not cook for another man than my bf. 

That is what's normally forgotten about in LDR that many couples don't see each other due to work commitments are in the same situation to an extent. But they get through it, accept it and deal with it if that works for them. It works well for some couples or it may not for others.

I agree with you that we certainly recognize a persons strength of character through these very tough times. But if they truly loved you then they would hold it out until this crisis passes.

[Emilie Jolie]

13 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I'll admit that it wasn't easy to stick to my guns, in essence closing the door on someone I love. I still love her despite what she did, but I don't think I can forgive what she did and that was the reason I ended it - it's the whole principle behind it.

I feel sorry that you've also suffered from this lockdown, if it's any consolation to you I've been finding it very very difficult too and I completely understand what you mean about the impact that it can and has had on mental health. The same as you, I haven't been drinking either but have struggled to cope at times - I still don't feel right 100% either.

You are correct, I heard that things are supposed to ease soon too and if this lockdown hadn't happened then I'd probably not be in this situation. 

Thank you.

Yes, it'll affect people differently.

Maybe she wasn't as mentally strong as you (or she) thought she was.

You did well holding to your boundaries. It just wasn't meant to be

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Thank you.

Yes, it'll affect people differently.

Maybe she wasn't as mentally strong as you (or she) thought she was.

You did well holding to your boundaries. It just wasn't meant to be

It hurts so much because she was my real true love. But I couldn't get over her inviting her colleague around for the night even if she claimed it was under platonic terms, that's a red flag to me.

She always struck me as a mentally strong person but like you say these really tough times, do and have tested everyone's mental strength.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

But if they truly loved you then they would hold it out until this crisis passes.

I wouldn't go down that road, personally. This is a pretty unique situation. I just think accept that the timing sucked and that she didn't (couldn't?) handle it well, but don't judge her too harshly.