Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Roswell91]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Would you be suggesting a 27yo woman would not want to spend time with a 49yo man or is that somehow OK???...

I would think its unusual yes. 

Not that it doesn't  happen, but rare.

[Roswell91]

20 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

In all fairness the isolation is getting to everyone, plus she has female friends that she could have chosen to be her social bubble instead of him (her colleague.)

I know what you mean, she's said in the past that she thinks of him like a little brother, but then when she invites him over for the night and all it's goings, it just does not make sense nor is it normal or morally right.

I've heard people refer to others as their brother or sister. Next thing you hear theyre together.

Sometimes its best to not take a person's word as bible. 

Im not saying this is what will happen here, but you just never know. 

Hopefully you find someone closer in distance  to you, will make it easier!

Edited June 22, 2020 by Roswell91

[Hollywood-Tourist]

2 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

I've heard people refer to others as their brother or sister. Next thing you hear theyre together.

Sometimes its best to not take a person's word as bible. 

Im not saying this is what will happen here, but you just never know. 

Hopefully you find someone closer in distance  to you, will make it easier!

You just never know really, I'd like to think that nothing happened with them obviously. Throughout our relationship she has always been very honest about things so I kind of believe her to an extent.

[Roswell91]

Just now, Hollywood-Tourist said:

You just never know really, I'd like to think that nothing happened with them obviously. Throughout our relationship she has always been very honest about things so I kind of believe her to an extent.

Which is why i mentioned at least she decided to tell you.

But don't  worry about it, onwards and upwards!

I think you made the right decision. 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

In all fairness the isolation is getting to everyone, plus she has female friends that she could have chosen to be her social bubble instead of him (her colleague.)

I know what you mean, she's said in the past that she thinks of him like a little brother, but then when she invites him over for the night and all it's goings, it just does not make sense nor is it normal or morally right.

You know, the more you post the more I'm starting to think this was an ongoing thing. Most women interested in men have to talk about them. The fact that he seems to come up in conversation often suggests something more. At any rate,  that's irrelevant because you've ended the relationship. 

With that being said,  at some point you will have to have a conversation with her.  Not for her, but for you. To help you make sense of the whole thing.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

With that being said,  at some point you will have to have a conversation with her.  Not for her, but for you. To help you make sense of the whole thing.

She will deny deny deny. Trying to get closure out of someone else (than ourselves) is a bad idea. 

[DKT3]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She will deny deny deny. Trying to get closure out of someone else (than ourselves) is a bad idea. 

It's not closure,  I don't believe that exists in relationships.  I think if he has the conversation with her having seen her true face it will help him see she was likely never the woman he made her out to be. Its easy in LDR to put up a false front and get away with it for some time. Eventually the true person will emerge. 

[heavenonearth]

Maybe I am the only one on this thread but I really don’t see the issue with a male friend sleeping over? i have male friends sleep over on my couch often whenever we hang out and the last train was missed or something. I was single and my friend who has a fiancé slept on my couch after we made music all evening. He was out the door before I woke up. I had a male friend sleep on my couch for two months because he was in between homes. Nothing ever happened. I feel because she has a higher position in their workplace than him and because she’s a lot older than him this was seen as something that’s a dealbreaker. maybe it is for most. I just know i would not break up with someone over it. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. 

That being said, it’s clear the ex girlfriend had poor coping skills. But I’ve found myself doing all sorts of weird things in this pandemic and falling into old schemes and patterns, which has been very hard to come out of. I call my therapist once per week. 

I am sure there were other issues in this relationship but OP paints himself to be a saint and his ex to be a toxic slut and I feel it is unlikely that it’s that unbalanced. Two years with someone is quite some time. 

[mortensorchid]

Have you questioned her as to if they are in a relationship other than friendship?  I have a lot of guy friends,but I have guy friends because I don't do well with women as friends.  They seem to think I am trying to take something from them, some have actually told me they won't invite me to parties or do things with me because that takes away from their chances of meeting men.  No joke.  Needless to say when women say these things to me, it puts a wedge between me and them.  And the relationship doesn't work.  But I digress...

Trust her if this guy is staying over just this once.  It's a fluke, one time occurence.  If he's staying over regularly after this?  Well then you he concerned.  

[DKT3]

Guess I'm reading a different thread because I'm not seeing him paint her in a negative light.  She is a immature drunk 49 year old woman who plays video games with a man young enough to be her son, worst yet she is his boss. Yet OP has said more then once she is a great person.  I guess I have a different definition of great people. 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

4 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Have you questioned her as to if they are in a relationship other than friendship?  I have a lot of guy friends,but I have guy friends because I don't do well with women as friends.  They seem to think I am trying to take something from them, some have actually told me they won't invite me to parties or do things with me because that takes away from their chances of meeting men.  No joke.  Needless to say when women say these things to me, it puts a wedge between me and them.  And the relationship doesn't work.  But I digress...

Trust her if this guy is staying over just this once.  It's a fluke, one time occurence.  If he's staying over regularly after this?  Well then you he concerned.  

I haven't questioned her directly to ask if she's anything more than friends with him, that's because I genuinely believe she isn't the type to cheat on somebody.

She has a lot of friends of both genders so I've never felt the need to 'worry' about her straying because as I said she genuinely seemed like the type of woman who could remain faithful.

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Guess I'm reading a different thread because I'm not seeing him paint her in a negative light.  She is a immature drunk 49 year old woman who plays video games with a man young enough to be her son, worst yet she is his boss. Yet OP has said more then once she is a great person.  I guess I have a different definition of great people. 

She is a great person, but now since she invited him to her house I see her in a different light. I believe she did it mostly to make me jealous and was looking to get a reaction from me.

She can be occasionally reckless with money too spending hundreds on handbags before chucking them months later = almost as if they are 'disposable'.

I really don't think her employer would approve of what she did if they knew. She seems a bit arrogant in that sense and was suiting herself.

[Timshel]

On 6/19/2020 at 7:04 AM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

 I've been cheated on in the past and my girlfriend knows this, but I really don't think she would cheat on me, she doesn't seem the 'type'.

Ahh but she is the type, more importantly, she is your 'type' Hollywood-Tourist.  Take some time to objectively observe similar behaviors/attitudes of your cheating girlfriends.  These are the things that you are attracted to, what turns you on.  Ask yourself why that is and really look at yourself and what drives your attraction to these dysfunctional women.  Love bombing, attention-seeking, emotionally vapid/insecure....these traits satisfy a need for you.

Being able to choose a stable partner and enjoy a truly secure relationship in the future will depend on your ability to recognize and avoid these types of women in the future.  You are very lucky  to have been 'woke up' before any major commitment was made, though I know you are hurting for now, better days will come.

Best wishes

[Roswell91]

11 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

Maybe I am the only one on this thread but I really don’t see the issue with a male friend sleeping over? i have male friends sleep over on my couch often whenever we hang out and the last train was missed or something. I was single and my friend who has a fiancé slept on my couch after we made music all evening. He was out the door before I woke up. I had a male friend sleep on my couch for two months because he was in between homes. Nothing ever happened. I feel because she has a higher position in their workplace than him and because she’s a lot older than him this was seen as something that’s a dealbreaker. maybe it is for most. I just know i would not break up with someone over it. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. 

That being said, it’s clear the ex girlfriend had poor coping skills. But I’ve found myself doing all sorts of weird things in this pandemic and falling into old schemes and patterns, which has been very hard to come out of. I call my therapist once per week. 

I am sure there were other issues in this relationship but OP paints himself to be a saint and his ex to be a toxic slut and I feel it is unlikely that it’s that unbalanced. Two years with someone is quite some time. 

I think your opinion is probably not a popular one.

She could have called on her female friends easily, but it had to be this specific guy who she happens  to always  talk about in conversation too. I guarantee if it had been him telling her hes hanging out all night with a woman co worker, she would not have been ok with that.

 

He didnt paint her to be a toxic slut. Hes been pretty positive about her throughout. 

[Roswell91]

5 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I haven't questioned her directly to ask if she's anything more than friends with him, that's because I genuinely believe she isn't the type to cheat on somebody.

She has a lot of friends of both genders so I've never felt the need to 'worry' about her straying because as I said she genuinely seemed like the type of woman who could remain faithful.

She is a great person, but now since she invited him to her house I see her in a different light. I believe she did it mostly to make me jealous and was looking to get a reaction from me.

She can be occasionally reckless with money too spending hundreds on handbags before chucking them months later = almost as if they are 'disposable'.

I really don't think her employer would approve of what she did if they knew. She seems a bit arrogant in that sense and was suiting herself.

Why would she try to make you jealous? Has she done it before?

I thought people move past games by middle age lol. 🤔

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

Maybe I am the only one on this thread but I really don’t see the issue with a male friend sleeping over?

I would not refuse to help a male friend in trouble by letting him sleep on my couch but I would never *invite him for a sleep over* on a night I am alone. In North America male-female friendships are not that liberal once you're in a romantic relationship.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would not refuse to help a male friend in trouble by letting him sleep on my couch but I would never *invite him for a sleep over* on a night I am alone. In North America male-female friendships are not that liberal once you're in a romantic relationship.

I know what you mean. There is a difference between a male friend kipping on your couch for the night possibly under 'extreme circumstances' and one of inviting him over with no clear outlined boundaries to him. One would have to hope he is of good character and would not try anything on, although you do have to question on top of this if the fact that she is his manager even entered his mind for this whole weird setup?

1 hour ago, Roswell91 said:

Why would she try to make you jealous? Has she done it before?

I thought people move past games by middle age lol. 🤔

No, she has never tried to make me jealous before.

She has mentioned her male colleague before many times, but only in a work capacity such as "Gary did this, Gary did that' to which I never thought anything more of it. It's only because she has brought him right back to her home and invited him to stay overnight that it's really annoyed me. I think it's perfectly natural to feel jealous about it even though I did trust her 100% in every way.

Haha, well you may get the occasional one that slips through the net that likes playing games well into their prime!

1 hour ago, Roswell91 said:

I think your opinion is probably not a popular one.

She could have called on her female friends easily, but it had to be this specific guy who she happens  to always  talk about in conversation too. I guarantee if it had been him telling her hes hanging out all night with a woman co worker, she would not have been ok with that.

 

He didnt paint her to be a toxic slut. Hes been pretty positive about her throughout. 

Exactly, of all of the people it had to be the male assistant manager who is 'just a good friend' so she told me (although she is friends with the female co-workers too.)

You're right, if the roles were reversed then I'm certain she wouldn't be happy about it either, so why is it ok for her to 'go this far' with him? Totally boggled by that.

2 hours ago, Timshel said:

Ahh but she is the type, more importantly, she is your 'type' Hollywood-Tourist.  Take some time to objectively observe similar behaviors/attitudes of your cheating girlfriends.  These are the things that you are attracted to, what turns you on.  Ask yourself why that is and really look at yourself and what drives your attraction to these dysfunctional women.  Love bombing, attention-seeking, emotionally vapid/insecure....these traits satisfy a need for you.

Being able to choose a stable partner and enjoy a truly secure relationship in the future will depend on your ability to recognize and avoid these types of women in the future.  You are very lucky  to have been 'woke up' before any major commitment was made, though I know you are hurting for now, better days will come.

Best wishes

I think you're wrong. Why would I or anyone else knowingly go out of their way to get a girlfriend who wouldn't treat them right, just to satisfy their odd gratification, it doesn't make sense?  And just so that you know, I am most certainly NOT attracted to types of women like that.

They may be dysfunctional some of these women, but I never knowingly go out of my way to get with them for any other reason other than having a 'normal' relationship with them.

Some peoples true colours never emerge until you are in too deep into a relationship, and admittedly that's happened to me in the past yes. But I wouldn't say that my recent ex is the worst I've ever been with, she just had one flaw, and that was forming close friendships with the opposite gender and trying to wind me up in the process.

[Emilie Jolie]

22 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

You just never know really, I'd like to think that nothing happened with them obviously. Throughout our relationship she has always been very honest about things so I kind of believe her to an extent.

The important thing is that you upheld your own boundaries. This actually is a very good sign for you; you didn't allow her behaviour to dictate yours.

You are also showing that you can compartmentalise her actions with who she is as a person - you have been careful not to demonise her, but you recognised her behaviour (drinking, inviting guys overnight) was off kilter. There are actually lots of positives you can draw from for yourself in the way you are handling the breakup, despite your heartbreak. A full post mortem can wait until you have fully healed; in the cold light of day, you'll realise that you were not as compatible as you think you were, and that sometimes feelings just aren't enough.

[Buffer]

Fair enough, she should be mature enough to know better. 
Buffer

[DKT3]

14 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

The important thing is that you upheld your own boundaries. This actually is a very good sign for you; you didn't allow her behaviour to dictate yours.

You are also showing that you can compartmentalise her actions with who she is as a person - you have been careful not to demonise her, but you recognised her behaviour (drinking, inviting guys overnight) was off kilter. There are actually lots of positives you can draw from for yourself in the way you are handling the breakup, despite your heartbreak. A full post mortem can wait until you have fully healed; in the cold light of day, you'll realise that you were not as compatible as you think you were, and that sometimes feelings just aren't enough.

I agree...however what I'm seeing above that is a man minimizing and rationalizing bad behavior.  We see this all the time with betrayed spouses here. He mentioned one flaw, huh? There are many, most importantly poor judgment. 

[Grey40]

This is and will always be a huge red flag to me. A couple guy friends here and there is one thing, but never would I ever be ok with her inviting them to sleep over on a random night. Even if they had problems honestly.

 

It’s just semi- disrespectful to you and your relationship together. What if you told her you were going to invite a female co-worker over, “don’t worry she’s just a friend”. I bet she’d be pretty upset. 

 

Seems like you ended it, so it’s pointless now in hindsight, but I definitley would have put my foot down and say I’m really not ok with comfortable with this idea. It’s not normal and while i trust you, I don’t trust other guys to try and take advantage of the situation and put pressure on a girl. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

There are plenty of people who wouldn't have a friend of the opposite sex stay overnight when they're in a relationship. I sure wouldn't under any circumstances. I'd pay for a hotel for the person if the situation were desperate. Or find a male friend for the person to stay with. 

 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

4 hours ago, Buffer said:

Fair enough, she should be mature enough to know better. 
Buffer

I'll never know why she thought it was acceptable to have a colleague at her house.

3 hours ago, Grey40 said:

This is and will always be a huge red flag to me. A couple guy friends here and there is one thing, but never would I ever be ok with her inviting them to sleep over on a random night. Even if they had problems honestly.

 

It’s just semi- disrespectful to you and your relationship together. What if you told her you were going to invite a female co-worker over, “don’t worry she’s just a friend”. I bet she’d be pretty upset. 

 

Seems like you ended it, so it’s pointless now in hindsight, but I definitley would have put my foot down and say I’m really not ok with comfortable with this idea. It’s not normal and while i trust you, I don’t trust other guys to try and take advantage of the situation and put pressure on a girl. 

Even if he was in the spare room like she said he would be, it's still crossing the line IMO. She didn't think to consult me or even consider how I would feel about it and that hurts a lot.

I would never even consider having a female colleague round to mine because 1. I'm not interested in anyone else and 2. Because it's just not morally right to mix business with pleasure like that.

3 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

There are plenty of people who wouldn't have a friend of the opposite sex stay overnight when they're in a relationship. I sure wouldn't under any circumstances. I'd pay for a hotel for the person if the situation were desperate. Or find a male friend for the person to stay with. 

 

Exactly. Who knows what he must have thought at her suggestion? He may not have any interest in her (I really hope that's the case) and they could very well be platonic friends, but still she's really wound me up and made me jealous with this arrangement.

[5x5]

4 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

There are plenty of people who wouldn't have a friend of the opposite sex stay overnight when they're in a relationship. I sure wouldn't under any circumstances. I'd pay for a hotel for the person if the situation were desperate. Or find a male friend for the person to stay with.

Yet doing that doesn't always mean there will be infidelity either.

Way back in the early 2000s I was away with the Army on a training exercise, when I ran into a woman who I hadn't seen for seven years. Now at one point way back when we briefly shared sexual relations, yet we were friends before that and had lost touch when she moved far away.

Anyway since I had the evening off, we caught up at her place. While her fiancé who was also a Defence Force member was at work till the morning. At the time I was married to my wife and nothing happened (and nothing was going to happen) except for talking through a fair portion of the night into the early morning. It was simply great to catch up again and I was glad to meet her cool now husband in the morning as well.

At the time I had been away from my wife for a few weeks, yet she wasn't fussed by me catching up with my friend, and we stayed with her and her husband on our way up to a holiday after that as well. Likewise her now husband was fine about it as well.

So such things aren't always an issue for everybody.

That said given the OPs scenario, I would think it was an FU to him, so I wouldn't have accepted that either.

Edited June 24, 2020 by 5x5

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eh if I was her, I would be upset that you would follow goverment rules to a T and not seen me in months.

Some of us women want a man that will slay dragons and walk across hot coals for us. Also, I would have preferred that you had some independent thought - goverment has clearly shown that they don't know what they are doing.

Unless you were in a high risk group, I would dump you if you didn't see me in 3 months. It would have shown clearly that I am not a priority. There are many ways this could have happened safely (like self isolating before and after visits, wearing masks and being socially distanced during a visit etc). As for fines - again you are worried about paying a fine more than you want to see your gf. Unless there are road closures that can't physically be overcome, anything else is an excuse.

[lurker74]

On 6/22/2020 at 11:16 AM, Gaeta said:

You need to deprogram yourself from thinking she was the love of your life. First you were long distance, that means each time you saw each other it was a celebration. Long distance relationships are part real (when you spend time with each other) and part dream (the longning, missing, dreaming). Correct me if I am wrong but you did not share the burden of a daily routine together day in and day out, the type of routine that allows you to get to know a partner inside out. Long distance relationships often abort once the distance is elimated as full reality doesn't meet couple's expectations. 

When people claim someone is the love of their life I expect that couple to have a long history together, to have surmounted challenges together, to have supported each other through difficult times. Something substential enough to justify that statement. 

Gaeta is incredibly wise. Her note on the celebration of seeing each other is important. But there is one thing I disagree with her on...I do not think you need to deprogram yourself from thinking she was the love of your life. You need to face it.

The second hardest lesson to learn in dating and love is that the term "love of your life" can be real while at the same time not having to be one person. Throughout your life, you can have many loves of your life, just hopefully not at the same time!

But the hardest lesson to learn by far is that sometimes you must end a relationship, even with someone with whom you are in love. Love is a prerequisite to a relationship but it isn't the only way the relationship is sustained. She may indeed love you, @Hollywood-Tourist and I take you at your word that you love her. But a relationship is like a balancing scale. The love definitely means a lot but if can be upset with too much negative weight on the other side. So embrace that you love(d) her but accept that you are moving on nonetheless. And, eventually, be excited about the day you meet your next love of your life. She's waiting.