Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[salparadise]

On 6/23/2020 at 10:34 AM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Some peoples true colours never emerge until you are in too deep into a relationship, and admittedly that's happened to me in the past yes. But I wouldn't say that my recent ex is the worst I've ever been with, she just had one flaw, and that was forming close friendships with the opposite gender and trying to wind me up in the process.

You were blind to the flaws because of your infatuation. What you aren't realizing is that the need to form these "close friendships with the opposite gender" is a symptom, part of a larger pattern that is easily recognized by those seeing it objectively. Abnormalities in the realm of social-interpersonal relationships do not exist in a vacuum. I would add inappropriate age, and men for whom she has authority over as additional symptoms of the same issue. Normal, healthy women hold boundaries. They don't lure males (colleagues of otherwise) inside their hula hoop and then try to explain it away as just friends. They hold appropriate boundaries even with good friends. Even with you, she's 10 years older. I'm sure you never questioned that, but it is quite unusual. Sure, it could be merely unusual if it were not part of a pattern... but it is.

 

On 6/23/2020 at 10:34 AM, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I think you're wrong. Why would I or anyone else knowingly go out of their way to get a girlfriend who wouldn't treat them right, just to satisfy their odd gratification, it doesn't make sense?  And just so that you know, I am most certainly NOT attracted to types of women like that.

Knowingly is the qualifier that makes this a somewhat reasonable statement, however, people do it all the time––unknowingly. People coming out of one abusive relationship often end up going directly into another. They don't say, hey, I choose to have another abusive relationship. They are simply attracted to the dynamics of such; they can't see it for what it actually is.

OP, you chose this situation––unknowingly. You continue to be in denial, as if there was absolutely nothing noticeable or predictable about it. You don't need to beat yourself up over it or anything. It happens to the best of us. But you do need to remove the blinders, assess it objectively in hindsight, and adjust your picker so that you don't wind up with another dysfunctional situation the next time.

I'm not going to write a tome here, but suffice it to say that when you encounter a woman who uses sexualization as a primary source of self-esteem, you need to realize she isn't relationship material. Bang her if you must, but don't let her inside your hula hoop. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by salparadise

[thefooloftheyear]

2 minutes ago, salparadise said:

 

I'm not going to write a tome here, but suffice it to say that when you encounter a woman who uses sexualization as a primary source of self-esteem, you need to realize she isn't relationship material. Bang her if you must, but don't let her inside your hula hoop. 

yep.....

TFY

[Hollywood-Tourist]

What I've learned from this experience is not to be so naïve when it comes to trusting your instincts.

 She's basically pulled my pants down and said get lost, it's my way or the high way.

Whilst I'm still angry about the situation, it's opened my eyes to the type of woman she really was.

Learning curve noted.

[OatsAndHall]

1. Ignore those people who are placing blame on you for the situation. It doesn't matter if one agrees or disagrees with lock-down LAWS; they're LAWS. My gf and I didn't see each other for ten weeks and we didn't have a lock-down order in place. She's a nurse, I'm a teacher and although we're both extremely careful, I risked losing my job if I contracted it from her. I didn't agree with the situation but it was the simple reality. We argued about it on several occasions and I gave her an out; I told her that we could just end it if it was going to be too difficult for her. Your ex-gf had the same option; she could have called off the relationship if she was that upset.

2. IMO, the lesson to be learned here is about establishing boundaries in certain situations. My gf had an orbiter that that I wasn't comfortable with. He had feelings for her (which she knew about), she stated that they weren't reciprocated but she kept in contact with him and hung out with him in group situations on several occasions. I wasn't going to try and dictate who she hung around with but I told her I wasn't comfortable with the guy given his lack of boundaries in the situation and her apparent want for his attention.

It turned into a fight and I called it off; I told her she had every right to hang out with whom ever she wants but that I wasn't comfortable maintaining the relationship with this individual hovering around. She got a hold of me a few days later and stated that our relationship was more important to her than staying in contact with this guy. She acknowledged that liked the attention she got from him and that she understood why that bothered me. I trust that she cut off contact, we moved forward and it hasn't been an issue.

[smackie9]

That's the thing about this virus...not only is it killing people, it's also killing relationships.

[Maldives]

Mate it's a deal breaker she has totally no respect for you or how this would make you feel. My ex wife did this and I accepted it then she did it a number of times this was before we got married and when she did I noticed a distance that should of been my que right. I did nothing but was quiet annoyed and jealous so I went out with a group of girls and she got wind and came running and stopped . I wouldnt accept that kind of behaviour now that I'm older and wiser. I was young at the time 30 from memory. It's a deal breaker 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Goodguy05