Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

She was all over me for the majority of the relationship to the point where I felt she was needy and smothering, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Needy & smothering people are in dying need of attention to fill a void. Your time and attention is rarely enough, they always want more. Not surprising she's turning toward the next available man to get her fix of attention. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

 It doesn't seem real. I'm 39 so there's a 10yr gap between us.

So she has a high sex drive and she enjoys younger men....I wonder why she's inviting a 27 yo male over night, right !

[clia]

She hasn't seen you in over three months, has been asking you to visit, you refused (per your other thread), so now she's moved on.  Sorry.  Three months is a long time to go without seeing each other.  If my boyfriend refused to see me for three months, I would probably move on, too.  

[Hollywood-Tourist]

11 minutes ago, amanda141 said:

I am 23 and honestly I would NOT be comfortable spending the night with someone more than 20 years older than me, especially if he is my boss. What the hell would we have in common? It's very unprofessional. Since he accepted to go, I think he has a interest in her... it's Friday night, and I am sure a 27-year-old boy would surely have some alternatives. Also, why does she need him to sleep over?

I think you should talk more deeply with her about this. You are abiding by the rules, it's not that you don't want to visit her... she is being selfish in my opinion. If she is feeling so lonely, who doesn't she have a socially distanced walk in a park with her female friends? It's allowed now in England. 😕 

Make her respect you

I wouldn't be comfortable spending the night with anyone who isn't my partner regardless of if she's a colleague or not - I am loyal and she is now showing herself to not be.

It's not just about what would they have in common, it's just wrong completely.

I agree that since he accepted then he's obviously into her to some degree. The worse part is that I can't have a face to face conversation with her which is better than a phone call, I'd put her and him in their place if I could.

I genuinely don't know why she insists on him sleeping over, it's odd, wrong and maybe because she's needy and wants to feel validated? It's just too dodgy, you couldn't make it up.

Thank you, I have both mine and my partners interests at heart hence why I made the choice not to travel down to be with her, she just can't seem to see that though that I did it for our health.

I will suggest that to her, as you say there's nothing wrong with a social distanced walk in the park with her friends, that would have been the right thing to do morally.

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Needy & smothering people are in dying need of attention to fill a void. Your time and attention is rarely enough, they always want more. Not surprising she's turning toward the next available man to get her fix of attention. 

You are right, I didn't realise how draining it was to be on the receiving end of a needy partner, but I guess they only exist to feel validated and needed and to stroke their own ego.

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So she has a high sex drive and she enjoys younger men....I wonder why she's inviting a 27 yo male over night, right !

That could explain it.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I'm 39 so there's a 10yr gap between us.

I guess she has traded you in for a younger model sorry to say.

 

6 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Do you mean that some co-workers who cheat in plain sight do so in an obvious way?

Yes.
The betrayed spouse/partner is often well aware of the OW/OM, because the cheating person will often speak of them, they can't help themselves.  
But the cheating person has also persuaded their partner that an affair is somehow impossible.
"Linda in accounts? Great girl she loves her husband to bits and is sometimes a total pain in the neck".
"Business meeting in London next week. Linda is coming too - what  a nightmare..."
Oh dear poor you..."
 

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, clia said:

She hasn't seen you in over three months, has been asking you to visit, you refused (per your other thread), so now she's moved on.  Sorry.  Three months is a long time to go without seeing each other.  If my boyfriend refused to see me for three months, I would probably move on, too.  

He hasn't "refused" he is following government guidelines and rules due to the pandemic.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He hasn't "refused" he is following government guidelines and rules due to the pandemic.

Thanks Elaine, you are helping my pain I am going through and it is a huge comfort to know that there are most people on here that are kind enough to take the time to reply to my thread. 🙂 

[clia]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He hasn't "refused" he is following government guidelines and rules due to the pandemic.

I don't know all the guidelines with England and Wales.  His other thread made it sound like he thought it was too risky to go, so he didn't want to do it.  I personally don't see much of a risk for one of them to get in the car and drive to the other's place and to keep themselves isolated during the visit.  

I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings, OP, but you say your girlfriend is needy, has a high sex drive, and has been alone for months.  It doesn't take a genius to see what's going on here, when she picks a guy 20+ years younger to be in her "bubble" and to have him stay the night.  I guess better for you to find out now before you invest any more time in her...

[Amanda141]

Keep us updated! I truly hope everything will be just fine. But if you see her strange after tonight, remember that it’s better to stay alone than with someone who cannot understand and respect you.

😊

[d0nnivain]

I am troubled by the fact that she's his boss.  From a work perspective those optics are terrible.  She is demonstrating that she has little sense.  

From your relationship perspective, these are crazy times.  Since you keep repeating that you trust her, I'd like to think this friendship is just that.  Since you have not been able to be there for her, she is craving companionship.  People are social & not meant to be isolated.   You are abiding by the rules & the travel bans but we all know dozens of people who aren't, who have traveled to see loved ones.  Your GF is struggling with the fact that you two have remained apart.  

It is a very slippery slope having a young man alone in her apartment with alcohol but people do have self control.  That said since he's her subordinate her judgment has already proven to be off.   So your choices are pretty much like it or lump it.   As things ease up are you willing to go to her soon?   If you don't this relationship is going to be another Covid-19 victim, if it isn't already.  

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, clia said:

I don't know all the guidelines with England and Wales.  His other thread made it sound like he thought it was too risky to go, so he didn't want to do it.  I personally don't see much of a risk for one of them to get in the car and drive to the other's place and to keep themselves isolated during the visit.  

I think he said somewhere that she was  not observing the government recommendations in terms of distanciation, etc. I would be worried to drive to my boyfriend knowing he didn't limit his social interractions and did not observe any recommandation with the covid out there. 

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he said somewhere that she was  not observing the government recommendations in terms of distanciation, etc. I would be worried to drive to my boyfriend knowing he didn't limit his social interractions and did not observe any recommandation with the covid out there. 

If she is not following the guidelines & potentially exposing herself to the virus  I understand why you want to stay away.  I had a meltdown the other day of that issue.  DH & I got into a huge fight because he was shaking hands with people. 

You have to protect yourself but your GF's choice then seems to be to flaunt every convention in your face.  This sleepover with her colleague thus looks more like a ploy to get your attention & "force" you to come to her.  Either that or she's just done. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your girlfriend knows this is ridiculously inappropriate on many different levels. She doesn't need it spelled out or explained to her. 

The problem is that she's hoping your boundaries are as weak as hers, so that you will "sanction" this boozy sleepover. 

The other problem lies in the very fact that she thinks this is a good idea to begin with and had the stones to actually try to get you to go along with it. It's absurd, OP, and you all know it. You're learning that she does not have the same values and boundaries as you do. Social bubble or not, there is zero reason to have a co-ed sleepover. Sorry.

She likes this guy; I can promise you this isn't innocent, despite what she's telling you. 

[Miss Spider]

Think she’s trying to make him jealous which is really absurd behavior for a 49 year old woman 

[Realitysux]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Think she’s trying to make him jealous which is really absurd behavior for a 49 year old woman 

I'm reading your advice and I wouldn't take any of it. You need a lot more confidence in yourself or the men will eat you alive. You will not enjoy dating like this at all and dating can be fun. My co-workers would eat you ..

Edited June 19, 2020 by Realitysux

[Hollywood-Tourist]

9 minutes ago, amanda141 said:

Keep us updated! I truly hope everything will be just fine. But if you see her strange after tonight, remember that it’s better to stay alone than with someone who cannot understand and respect you.

😊

I will keep you posted, it's obviously at the forefront of my mind and has been getting me down severely.

In some ways I actually feel better that she told me what her plans are for tonight and I've not found out by other means. But then again I'm still not pleased or happy because tonight is going to be difficult to think and concentrate on anything else when all I will likely be thinking is what are they up to?

I've learned (rather late in life!) that if someone doesn't respect you, then they are not worth my time being with......especially someone of her age and status.

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am troubled by the fact that she's his boss.  From a work perspective those optics are terrible.  She is demonstrating that she has little sense.  

From your relationship perspective, these are crazy times.  Since you keep repeating that you trust her, I'd like to think this friendship is just that.  Since you have not been able to be there for her, she is craving companionship.  People are social & not meant to be isolated.   You are abiding by the rules & the travel bans but we all know dozens of people who aren't, who have traveled to see loved ones.  Your GF is struggling with the fact that you two have remained apart.  

It is a very slippery slope having a young man alone in her apartment with alcohol but people do have self control.  That said since he's her subordinate her judgment has already proven to be off.   So your choices are pretty much like it or lump it.   As things ease up are you willing to go to her soon?   If you don't this relationship is going to be another Covid-19 victim, if it isn't already.  

It is rather disturbing that someone in a professional capacity would even consider being 'very friendly' with their counterpart. I have no idea what the rest of the depot will say IF they find out about it, because they will most certainly question it to some degree.

I sincerely hope that it is just a friendship and nothing more, surely someone of that authority like my girlfriend should know better than to entertain someone young enough to be her son. She is making herself look like a desperate sl*g.

It's been very tough for both of us, mostly because of the fact we can't physically be there for each other at the moment, but we Skype most days so that's the best we can do for now. She knows that I really want to see her but I'm a stickler for the rules so I'm trying to protect both of us from this virus during these really strange times.

She hasn't been able to hold her drink in the past but she always went further than just the one bottle of wine, why when you don't need to? She'll probably do the same tonight.

I have already offered to drive down in 2 weeks time when things will probably have relaxed further in restrictions but she's said that's a little bit too late and that we will both be busy with work - ridiculous comment, I'm making an effort to see her but it's all just been bad timing through nobody's fault.

[Tonk]

do the initials RM mean anything to you

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm reading your advice and I wouldn't take any of it. You need a lot more confidence in yourself or the men will eat you alive. You will not enjoy dating like this at all and dating can be fun. 

Well, the reason I believe she’s trying to make him jealous is because she told him she was having a young guy over and all the intimate activities they’d be doing. I don’t see why she would do that if she were really trying to cheat/sneak around. It sounds more to me like she’s saying “you won’t do it with me, so I’ll find someone who will” Why do you disagree? 

 

I have a bf so I’m not dating anymore anyway, but I  have fun dating . 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

The way I read this is she doesn't want to feel guilty. So she gives you a story that is easy to read between the lines. I think you know as well as I that she has interest in this guy.

She gives you this story then gauges your reaction to it.

Your reaction is passive and she knows you are not going to do anything about it so she can eat some cake.

You can blame it on that you love her, but she has no respect for you. You should not want that type relationship.

You have every right in the world to call it quits. Don't be a chump.

This! ^^

[d0nnivain]

Especially since she can't hold her liquor & will over indulge, she's setting up a disaster.  In the morning she will claim "it just happened."  

I don't think this will end well for your relationship.  

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Especially since she can't hold her liquor & will over indulge, she's setting up a disaster.  In the morning she will claim "it just happened."  

I don't think this will end well for your relationship.  

Part of me wants to phone her just now (but she's at work with lover boy) and tell her we are finished, but the other part of me wants her to feel bad and awkward IF anything happened tonight because they live in each others pockets in that office.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I have already offered to drive down in 2 weeks time when things will probably have relaxed further in restrictions but she's said that's a little bit too late and that we will both be busy with work - ridiculous comment, I'm making an effort to see her but it's all just been bad timing through nobody's fault.

Too late...for what, exactly?

For her to get laid?

[d0nnivain]

I'd break up with her after he leaves. If nothing happened she will "regret" blowing her chance.  If something did happen she still has to do awkward at work 

[clia]

21 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I have already offered to drive down in 2 weeks time when things will probably have relaxed further in restrictions but she's said that's a little bit too late and that we will both be busy with work - ridiculous comment, I'm making an effort to see her but it's all just been bad timing through nobody's fault.

So, she's been desperately wanting to see you, but now when you offer to go and see her, she says no.  The timing isn't right.  Eek.....seems a tad suspicious.

[contel3]

Tbh I think that she's trying to get back at you for refusing to go and see her. And that if you accept this guy sleeping over your relationship is pretty much over. Consciously or not she'll think you don't even care enough to get jealous anymore.