Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

That's what I think too. My gut instinct is saying they are going to be doing more than being innocent and it's driving me mad with jealousy. 

We trust each other, but because I've never met him it makes me feel more threatened.

So you are saying you have no trust.

 

she could have done thus without telling  you....

[Miss Spider]

Could be that... could be a control thing. Saying in weeks it will be impossible to see each other is like saying if he won’t come see her now it’s impossible for them to be together ever 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[contel3]

34 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I have already offered to drive down in 2 weeks time when things will probably have relaxed further in restrictions but she's said that's a little bit too late and that we will both be busy with work 

Yeah, I think she's over it. She's basically telling you you could have come to see her earlier because now she's fed up and doesn't want to see you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Too late...for what, exactly?

For her to get laid?

Paha! I think she meant it would be too late to spend any meaningful time together. I said to her that it's better than nothing plus I'm driving 350 miles to see her so it's not like she's on my doorstep.

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'd break up with her after he leaves. If nothing happened she will "regret" blowing her chance.  If something did happen she still has to do awkward at work 

A big part of me wants to believe and does believe that despite what's gone on between us, that she will keep it entirely platonic. I worry about him though, being a bloke he is more likely to instigate something with her. Whether she responds to his advances will be the real test.

5 minutes ago, clia said:

So, she's been desperately wanting to see you, but now when you offer to go and see her, she says no.  The timing isn't right.  Eek.....seems a tad suspicious.

It's a coincidence that the lockdown restrictions have been eased slightly more a few weeks after out holiday time was mean to have taken place.

[contel3]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Could be that... could be a control thing. Saying in weeks it will be impossible to see each other is like saying if he won’t come see her now it’s impossible for them to be together ever 

Exactly!

[d0nnivain]

She's saying it's "too late" because she has wanted you by her for a long time & since you didn't show up now she's mad at you.  You coming in two weeks will be too late to quell her anger.  I understand her frustration but she has not gone past that & has moved to resentment.  Her upset has poisoned your relationship.  

Now she's having this sleepover to punish you.  She picked this guy because she knew he'd agree to this & because he is getting under your skin.  Maybe she really isn't DTF him but she's certainly F'ing with your brain & trust.  It's game playing.  

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

she could have done thus without telling  you....

That's true but some cheaters do have a conscience, and feel guilt.

OP,  by telling you, as lame as it sounds, she is free to enjoy their little sexual rendezvous free of guilt nor does she have to worry about you discovering it another way.

Just my read on it...

It is kind of impossible to know for sure unless you hire a PI or someone to stake out her place tonight. 

I'm serious!  

Edited June 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Hollywood-Tourist]

6 minutes ago, contel3 said:

Tbh I think that she's trying to get back at you for refusing to go and see her. And that if you accept this guy sleeping over your relationship is pretty much over. Consciously or not she'll think you don't even care enough to get jealous anymore.

Yes, that's what I believe too. This is her way of making me 'pay' for not spending time with her even though I had genuine reasons not to want to go. She was angry about it for sure but soon understood whilst sulking obviously.

I told her last night that I was really jealous of him coming over and she just said "so you should be, he's just a good friend and I am not going to be doing anything other than hanging out with him." 🤔

5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

So you are saying you have no trust.

 

she could have done thus without telling  you....

I do generally trust her, but tonight will be the real tester to see if she contacts me to check in with me or ends up ghosting me.

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Could be that... could be a control thing/punishment. Saying in weeks it will be impossible to see each other is like saying if he won’t come see her now it’s impossible for them to be together ever 

That's her impatience coming out of it.

 

[Realitysux]

34 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Well, the reason I believe she’s trying to make him jealous is because she told him she was having a young guy over and all the intimate activities they’d be doing. I don’t see why she would do that if she were really trying to cheat/sneak around. It sounds more to me like she’s saying “you won’t do it with me, so I’ll find someone who will” Why do you disagree? 

 

I have a bf so I’m not dating anymore anyway, but I  have fun dating . 

You said I love you too soon! It's not love it's desperation as I have been that desperate before. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Realitysux

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

You said I love you too soon! It's not love it's desperation as I have been that desperate before. 

Wow,  this thread is not about me, but he said it to me and I had strong feelings for him so I said it back. Don’t know if it’s too soon or not, but people feel what they feel when they do 🤷‍♀️I don’t think it’s desperation. I was actually trying to fight tooth and nail to not get in rship, but oh well 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[manfrombelow]

For people, especially women, always watch what they do, not what they say.

In OP's case, his girlfriend has another dude stay the night? 

Dump her man, that's all you need (and should do).

but she has assured me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic interest in him but

she just wanted to have another person to hang out with since I'm temporarily far away logistically

She wants to put the guilt onto you. That's typically manipulative women's behaviour.

I trust her but naturally I feel really uncomfortable about this.

Am I right to feel this way or is she wrong?

You have all the rights in this goddamned world to feel this way.

Just dump her man. 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She's saying it's "too late" because she has wanted you by her for a long time & since you didn't show up now she's mad at you.  You coming in two weeks will be too late to quell her anger.  I understand her frustration but she has not gone past that & has moved to resentment.  Her upset has poisoned your relationship.  

Now she's having this sleepover to punish you.  She picked this guy because she knew he'd agree to this & because he is getting under your skin.  Maybe she really isn't DTF him but she's certainly F'ing with your brain & trust.  It's game playing.  

Exactly, this is her way of venting her protest at me because things haven't gone the way she expected or wanted them to. I can now genuinely see with everyone's input here that she is just being spiteful and playing games in order to make me jealous and get a reaction from me and I'm ashamed to say that it has worked.

So do you think that it is her that's pretty much shafted this relationship or was that me because I chose not to visit her during stricter lockdown?

What does DTF mean?

[contel3]

8 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

I do generally trust her, but tonight will be the real tester to see if she contacts me to check in with me or ends up ghosting me.

To be fair, I think you should tell her its over if she invites him over. Its not about her cheating (I don't think she would rub it in your face like that if she was) but if you accept that kind of behavior she'll lose respect for you. Especially if this is about getting back at you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, contel3 said:

To be fair, I think you should tell her its over if she invites him over. Its not about her cheating (I don't think she would rub it in your face like that if she was) but if you accept that kind of behavior she'll lose respect for you. Especially if this is about getting back at you.

I intend to get in there first and end it, I don't care if it's by text or phone, I've decided that I wouldn't be able not get over her doing this to me or the fact that she's had a sh*tty attitude and even intended to do it in the first place.

I won't tolerate infidelity.

[Gaeta]

C'mon, whether they'll sleep together or not isn't the issue, her inviting him over for wine and movine + sleep over is ENOUGH to end this relationship right here. She doesn't even deserve to have a face to face break up!

Option 1: You disappear immediately and let her figure it out

Option 2: Put your gloves and mask on and drive down tonight to catch them in the act.

Edited June 19, 2020 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

It is pretty shameful that a nearly-50-year-old woman resorts to this to vent her anger at you, OP. 

Has she shown you this level of immaturity before? 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

C'mon, whether they'll sleep together or not isn't the issue, her inviting him over for wine and movine + sleep over is ENOUGH to end this relationship right here. She doesn't even deserve to have a face to face break up!

Option 1: You disappear immediately and let her figure it out

Option 2: Put your gloves and mask on and drive down tonight to catch them in the act.

Yes, the principle behind this is that she has suggested doing something that is not morally right and very inappropriate whilst we are still at the moment in a relationship. I don't know anyone else in my situation that would stand for this, it's wrong on very level.

I'm swaying towards Option 1, part of me doesn't want to invest any more energy into her where I now realise that she isn't worth it.

I'm devastated and crushed by her plans, whether anything happens or not, it's the fact that she suggested it in the first place.

[contel3]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

C'mon, whether they'll sleep together or not isn't the issue, her inviting him over for wine and movine + sleep over is ENOUGH to end this relationship right here. She doesn't even deserve to have a face to face break up!

Option 1: You disappear immediately and let her figure it out

Option 2: Put your gloves and mask on and drive down tonight to catch them in the act.

I think thats a bit harsh. And won't help OP much. He could also give her an ultimatum, which would give her the option not to do it. 

If my boyfriend refused to see me for 3 months I would probably assume its over too.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

this is her way of venting her protest at me because things haven't gone the way she expected or wanted them to.

Ok but this is the guy she has got increasingly close to in the last 6 months i.e. before any lockdowns. 
Personally if any guy I was dating thought it was OK to entertain some woman 20 years younger in his flat overnight as he was "lonely" and was "punishing" me for obeying the lockdown, it would over before he finished the sentence.

[Miss Spider]

I’m questioning if this guy even exists xD Do you know for sure he does? Or that they are for sure friends? 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[rjc149]

I was going to say the over 20-year age difference would possibly remove this guy as a threat, but since she's a cradle-robber then yeah, you've got something to worry about. 

From a broader perspective, why are you limiting yourself to a long-distance relationship with a 50-year old woman who wants to have slumber parties with men young enough to be her son? Do you really love her, or are you just Straight Outta Options?

So from a self-respect standpoint, end this relationship. Not because she's knowingly, and intentionally, trying to disrespect you and push you, but because you should be dating local women without weird Peter Pan complexes.

You can do better. 

 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is pretty shameful that a nearly-50-year-old woman resorts to this to vent her anger at you, OP. 

Has she shown you this level of immaturity before? 

It's disgusting and pathetic that she'd resort to this, I still cannot believe it.

She has shown some other immaturity stuff before such as liking X-Box games at her age (sorry to anyone on here of a similar age that likes gaming!) plus she has pushed and pushed to meet my family only 2 months into the relationship and pressured me into meeting her friends when I personally felt that we were only just getting to know each other at that point. 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, contel3 said:

If my boyfriend refused to see me for 3 months I would probably assume its over too.

As has already been said he did not refuse, he is obeying the lockdown rules.
Lockdown rules that would still not permit him to drive to England.

Welsh rules.

Quote

At the moment, you should only travel:
to get to and from work, if you cannot work from home
to get essential food or medical supplies
to support someone who is vulnerable, if no-one else can do so
for daily exercise, but staying local

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by elaine567
spacing

[contel3]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As has already been said he did not refuse, he is obeying the lockdown rules.
Lockdown rules that would still not permit him to drive to England.

Welsh rules.

 

Fair enough, thats different. Didn't read that part.

[Mystery4u]

What she is doing is completely wrong but you should have gone to see her a long time ago.

Rules or no rules seeing her should have been your priority. If my girlfriend refused to see me because she didn't want to break some rule I would find another girl.

Im in a real LDR (different sides of the world) and will be going to see her as soon as it's possible. If she has the virus I will still see her and kiss her etc, I wouldn't care about getting it, seeing her is more important.

You didn't make your girlfriend your priority, so now she is not making you her priority. Not surprising.