Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

10 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

HT

I just wanted to add that I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. The Emotional distress/ turmoil you are going through at the moment must be excruciating.
 

Please keep posting here as it will help you get through it. It did for me and many others here. 
 

Keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better and this is not your fault. 
 

Sometimes we make very unwise  decisions and have to live with the consequences of what we’ve done.  She’s violating all her own boundaries (including staying sober) as well as yours. Let her reap the consequences of her actions whilst you focus on moving on. 

Thanks a lot CAF.

I've had relationship breakups before like many people, but this is the worst, certainly from an emotional painful point of view. I have felt sick, depressed, sad, angry, shocked amongst many other emotions since she told me of her plans.

I've not slept properly, not been eating either - I just feel very very depressed right now.

But posting here does and has helped immensely and I will continue to. I'm sorry you have had to post here through similar circumstances, but it's good that as you say that it's also helped you too.

You are right, I will and do need to keep assuring myself that I'm not the one at fault and that I do deserve so much better as you say.

 

[Amanda141]

I am sorry for how you're feeling right now, but it's all part of the process. It's better that you discovered how she truly is now rather than later. You deserve a woman who can show respect for you, and she clearly isn't one. 

I hope you can move on and feel better soon

[contel3]

yeah I'm sorry about all this happening too HT =(

It must feel overwhelming. Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to post whenever you are feeling down. 

[schlumpy]

I'm up early and waiting for the big phone call!

Good luck

[Gaeta]

Hollywood T: I ended up here first in 2014 after a big betrayal. I thought I'd never get over it. A year later I met my current boyfriend and we're heading on 5 years together. There is always something better waiting for us. A break up is hard no matter the circumstances but it shapes us in a wiser human being. Hang in there!

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Ok, so I called her and she answered. I asked her what happened last night and to cut a long story short, she said that they played the X-Box, watched a film and then went their separate ways to different bedrooms for the night.

I said that I didn't believe that because she sounded hesitant (as if she was rumbled) and that I'm not stupid any longer.

I said you have ruined what was a good relationship and that I hope you are pleased with yourself, then told her that we are finished and that this is all on her. I then hung up and blocked her number.

Difficult (because I still love her and have feelings for her - although not as strong as they once were due to what she did) but it's done now and I can try and move on which I know already will take me a LONG time as I knew that she was 'the one'.

I'm going through a range of emotions right now, mostly depressed and sad.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for enforcing the boundary, having self respect & doing what had to be done to preserve your dignity. 

Do things to provide self comfort for the rest of the weekend.  It's gonna be rough but things will slowly improve.  

Hang in there.  

[Miss Spider]

I have so many questions about this story. I might have missed something. I guess the most prominent is whether or not you tried talking to her about how you are uncomfortable with having this person  come stay prior to calling her last night when she was busy. Anyway, that’s that . Sorry this happened 😐 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have so many questions about this story. I might have missed something. I guess the most prominent is whether or not you tried talking to her about how you are uncomfortable with having this person  come stay prior to calling her last night when she was busy. 

As I understood this, she has been mad at him for quite a while because they have not seen each other through lockdown.  In addition to common sense, they are 350 km apart & there were roadblocks between their 2 countries.  

Earlier this week she told him of her plan.  She implied that it was his fault she had to resort to this because he wouldn't get them together in violation of the lockdown. 

He said he was upset by her choice.  She doubled down.  Then even though she's (allegedly) a recovered alcoholic who can't handle her liquor, she announced she was adding wine to the mix. 

He repeatedly expressed displeasure at this arrangement & offered to come visit 2 weeks from now but she said that was too late.  

Given all of her bad decisions he'd finally had enough & told her so.  

[Calmandfocused]

HT

She wasn’t the one. “The one” is someone who values you,  respects you and appreciate you. 
 

In time you’ll see that. 
 

She isn’t the only sexy English woman in her 40s around you know. I’m 41, English, very sexy, and very available 😁

[Hollywood-Tourist]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As I understood this, she has been mad at him for quite a while because they have not seen each other through lockdown.  In addition to common sense, they are 350 km apart & there were roadblocks between their 2 countries.  

Earlier this week she told him of her plan.  She implied that it was his fault she had to resort to this because he wouldn't get them together in violation of the lockdown. 

He said he was upset by her choice.  She doubled down.  Then even though she's (allegedly) a recovered alcoholic who can't handle her liquor, she announced she was adding wine to the mix. 

He repeatedly expressed displeasure at this arrangement & offered to come visit 2 weeks from now but she said that was too late.  

Given all of her bad decisions he'd finally had enough & told her so.  

In a nutshell, what d0nnivain has written is basically what has happened that led to the breakup.

A 49yr old woman should know damn better than that to suggest what she did and looking back I can see this was done out of protest, in essence to make me jealous.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

HT

She wasn’t the one. “The one” is someone who values you,  respects you and appreciate you. 
 

In time you’ll see that. 
 

She isn’t the only sexy English woman in her 40s around you know. I’m 41, English, very sexy, and very available 😁

CAF,

Absolutely agree with everything you have said there, the respect that she had for me nosedived the day I told her of my plan to not meet up due to Covid risks.

😄 PM me and we can chat! 😉 

[some_username1]

37 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Ok, so I called her and she answered. I asked her what happened last night and to cut a long story short, she said that they played the X-Box, watched a film and then went their separate ways to different bedrooms for the night.

I said that I didn't believe that because she sounded hesitant (as if she was rumbled) and that I'm not stupid any longer.

I said you have ruined what was a good relationship and that I hope you are pleased with yourself, then told her that we are finished and that this is all on her. I then hung up and blocked her number.

Difficult (because I still love her and have feelings for her - although not as strong as they once were due to what she did) but it's done now and I can try and move on which I know already will take me a LONG time as I knew that she was 'the one'.

I'm going through a range of emotions right now, mostly depressed and sad.

I’d gently suggest that she wasn’t “the one”- she’s got 10 years on you and yet *YOU* were the adult in the relationship.

From what you have said in this thread she sounds childish, immature and impulsive and that’s just for starters! Can you imagine when you’re 49 and she’s 59? 

As I said earlier, it won’t feel like it right now, it might take weeks, maybe months, possibly years (Hopefully not!) but you’ll look back and realise that she did you a solid by revealing who she was at this early stage. You may even come to thank covid for giving you this chance to see her character under the microscope- wanting you to risk your health just so she could have her oats and attention.

And for the love of God keep her blocked, ordinarily you have to nuke women like this from orbit because she will keep coming back to “old faithful” when her cubs pump and dump her with carefree abandon. Look forward, not back

Edited June 20, 2020 by some_username1

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 hour ago, some_username1 said:

I’d gently suggest that she wasn’t “the one”- she’s got 10 years on you and yet *YOU* were the adult in the relationship.

From what you have said in this thread she sounds childish, immature and impulsive and that’s just for starters! Can you imagine when you’re 49 and she’s 59? 

As I said earlier, it won’t feel like it right now, it might take weeks, maybe months, possibly years (Hopefully not!) but you’ll look back and realise that she did you a solid by revealing who she was at this early stage. You may even come to thank covid for giving you this chance to see her character under the microscope- wanting you to risk your health just so she could have her oats and attention.

And for the love of God keep her blocked, ordinarily you have to nuke women like this from orbit because she will keep coming back to “old faithful” when her cubs pump and dump her with carefree abandon. Look forward, not back

Heartbreak is never easy or quick to overcome. We've all been there and it can make you a stronger person in the end 

I really thought she was the one, but I guess she has just shown her true colours.

Thanks again for your valued input and comments. 🙂  

[MickeyBill]

I am usually one to look on the bright side (didn't work in my divorce) and give people the benefit of the doubt, as jumping to conclusions has not worked well for me in the past. I am not in the BTW club, and think that once you are on a infidelity site asking questions there is something going on, either real or imagined/exaggerated.

So in reading your posts I kept thinking that she may be testing you, "playing chicken" with you by having Gary over. Trying to force you into making the trip to see her. But then I go back to your first post about how she was becoming close to him, which is different that just mentioning a new guy at work, and why she didn't answer when she was with him (red flag) So I will go against the popular opinion here and say that you should un block her. Don't contact her but maybe listen to her side (all we know is yours so we are on your side) when she starts to blow up your phone. While 2 years is not a long time relationship it's longer than some! But it may also have been an "exit affair" where she is too weak to break up so she does something that you won't be able to forgive. Like a sleepover that you objected to.

As one who has been ghosted, I can tell you it is very tough. And to me I felt it was unfair.

 

 

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Not that it matters or is relevant anymore, but I should have said that my now to be ex is a recovering alcoholic.

Dang! she's messy a.f.

Drinking wine and being a recovering alcoholic are on opposites side of the 'act right' universe. The fact that she's doing it with someone who isn't going to remind her that she's a recovering alcoholic says a lot about her intentions as far as you're concerned, OP.  It's not like she doesn't know her condition or it sprang up on her 4 days ago.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Dang! she's messy a.f.

Drinking wine and being a recovering alcoholic are on opposites side of the 'act right' universe. The fact that she's doing it with someone who isn't going to remind her that she's a recovering alcoholic says a lot about her intentions as far as you're concerned, OP.  It's not like she doesn't know her condition or it sprang up on her 4 days ago.

She's clearly fallen off the wagon again, she had done so well up until then to curb her drink and had been 'officially' clear for many years.

Reckless, selfish and stupid comes to mind when thinking about her.

[kendahke]

3 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

Reckless, selfish and stupid comes to mind when thinking about her.

  Even if she said that to call your bluff, it's still a f'd up thing to say to someone you claim your care about and says a lot about how she really esteems you... (hint: with a lot of disrespect and a dash of contempt)

Keep her on block. She's made her position and her consideration of your esteem quite clear. She's selfish in the extreme and you don't need that kind of BS in your life.  There is nothing she can now say that can make how she proceeded in the last week palatable.  She will lie.  Let her have the boy toy--she was totally prepared to throw away your relationship over a tantrum due to lack of self discipline.  You don't need that kind of headache in your life.

 

[homecoming]

I'm sure you don't need any more advice at this stage, but just wanted to convey how good it is that you enforced a boundary with this woman. The moment you allow mistreatment, it just gets worse and worse and time moves on... so well done, feel proud of yourself for doing this. 

[manfrombelow]

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

I'm sure you don't need any more advice at this stage, but just wanted to convey how good it is that you enforced a boundary with this woman. The moment you allow mistreatment, it just gets worse and worse and time moves on... so well done, feel proud of yourself for doing this. 

Agree, the moment you let your woman mistreats you with disrespectful behaviours, it'll only get worse and worse before you finally say to yourself "This is enough" - or maybe not.

[Ruby Slippers]

You did the right thing. 

She sounds pretty messed up. It sounds like lockdown stress may have contributed to her drinking relapse. 

But that's no excuse for how she handled herself with you. 

I have a feeling she might come crawling back after lockdown. I suggest preparing yourself against that.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

On 6/19/2020 at 1:55 PM, Gaeta said:

I think he said somewhere that she was  not observing the government recommendations in terms of distanciation, etc. I would be worried to drive to my boyfriend knowing he didn't limit his social interractions and did not observe any recommandation with the covid out there. 

She was observing the rules but had said that she didn't care if she got caught travelling to mine and would pay the fine.

Especially the vicinity around her place where there have been more cases and deaths of Covid-19 made me even more nervous and reluctant to travel.

[Gaeta]

You may feel she's the one but in a little bit of time you'll think 'what was I thinking about' !

Rubby Slippers is making a good point, she might come back crawling, don't fall for it. With these type of manipulative people more you give in, more they squeeze their hold on you. 

[Juha]

On 6/19/2020 at 8:11 AM, clia said:

She hasn't seen you in over three months, has been asking you to visit, you refused (per your other thread), so now she's moved on.  Sorry.  Three months is a long time to go without seeing each other.  If my boyfriend refused to see me for three months, I would probably move on, too.  

100% correct here.  Sorry man but you dropped the ball here, what 's going on with your gf is 100% your fault.

 

Yes, you initially did not see her due to the virus but now the facts are known and you could see her but have made the choice not to.

She is not going to wait around for you to find your balls as her man to see her.

Women want strong men as their bf's...

 

Sorry man, hopefully you can find someone closer to your location to date 

 

The other thing is you see women where you live and make this distance relationship different.

When you see each other you are together, when you are apart date others and make it casual until one of you 

move to the other.  That's if that has even been the plan.  Two years have you discussed plans on moving closer?

Edited June 22, 2020 by Juha

[Juha]

On 6/19/2020 at 10:41 AM, Mystery4u said:

So you put the risk of getting the virus as more important than seeing your girlfriend.

Says it all. Feel sorry for her actually. Doesn't excuse what she is doing now but clearly you are not a 'ride or die' boyfriend who always has his girlfriend's back.

True 100%   She has realized you do not have her back, support her, adore her at all with not wanting to see her.

If you truly adored, loved, and liked spending time with your gf you would do whatever you needed to see her.

Rules or no rules.  

 

The virus is not very serious to be honest unless you have underlying health issues.