Is my FWB upset with me?

[zawadi16]

sorry this is so long...I like to add details 😅

We actually used to date years ago. He moved out east and then I moved out of state years ago but we both came back home due to the quarantine.
 

We reconnected when we got back and decided to spend the day at the lake. The moment we saw each other it was like we hadn't skipped a beat. After a few hours, he kissed me. We couldn't keep our hands off each other (only g rated stuff). After he kissed me he admitted that he wanted to kiss me the moment he saw me. Our attraction was strong I knew we wouldn't be able to keep things G-rated for so long. I told him I didn't want a quarantine F-buddy. He laughed and said, "so you thought I contacted you so I could have sex with you? We have other people we could hang out with. I chose to come hang out with you". We were a little buzzed and he said if I wanted to come out to NY where he's at I could and invited me to his friend's lake house. He just started throwing all this stuff out there that we could do lol. He then apologized for how he handled our relationship all those years ago. We ended up hanging out 9 hours that day.

So we kept hanging out and each time we got a little more handsy with one another. We ended up talking more about our childhood issues and some other heavy topics. I said again, how I didn't want a quarantine f-buddy and he responded with, "we aren't even having sex" and I said I didn't plan on sleeping with him. He said that it was okay we didn't have to do anything. He then turned to me and said, "you can't even look me in the eyes when you're talking to me". I said pssh, yes I can I just have a hard time staying still. He said prove it, look at me in my eyes more than 10 seconds. Looking back that was probably a setup.... 

2 weeks ago he went to go visit some close friends that he hadn't seen in years. He thought I went out of town (changed my plans) too. He said he would've asked me to go with him to visit his friends had he had known I wasn't leaving. He suggested we take a little camping trip somewhere since I missed out on going with him to visit his friends. Later that week we went to go play miniature golf. Then we went to hang by the lake again where we ended up talking for hours. He turned to me and said, "you know you're super into me". I laughed and said, "or I was just bored during the quarantine and needed something to do and you were around". In a laughing manner, he said, "oh yea, well me too. I was just bored. I'm glad we cleared that up". We ended up having sex and afterward, I turned to him and patted his shoulder and said, "well I guess we're officially f buddies now". He didn't say anything. We eventually just laid there while he stroked my arm and we just chilled like that for a while. I asked if he's usually this touchy (it's been so long since we dated I couldn't remember) and he said, "yea when I feel connected". He then started saying how I was cold but then corrected himself and said, "not cold, just guarded". He ended up sending me the freezing face emoji and said that was me -_- lol.

A few days later he suggested we take a beach trip. On the day of the trip, he switched up where we going and said his sister and her friends were at this particular beach and that's where we were going to go instead. On the 2.5 hour drive there he didn't really talk. I kept trying to make conversation with him, to the point where it felt like forced small talk. It just ended up feeling awkward. He seemed a little off so I asked if he got agitated easily. He said sometimes he can and he asked if I thought he was agitated. I said, no, as I tend to overthink things and just let it go. We get there and the vibe between us was just so...off with us, at least in my mind. He usually is very touchy - coming up behind me, nuzzling my neck, etc., but that day barely anything. Not even a kiss. He just smacked my butt when I was reaching for something in the car lol and tried to toss me in the water but that was it. We said our goodbyes to his sister then headed back home and that's when it kind of hit the fan.

On the drive back we started talking about his past anger issues. He asked me when was the last time I was really angry and I said a few months ago with my ex. Somehow that conversation went into earlier that day and I said, "yea I thought you were kind of agitated earlier" Y'all he was PISSED. He said, "I asked you earlier if thought I was agitated and you told me no. You tried to ask me in a slick way by asking if I get agitated easily instead of just asking me straight up. I've been lied to all my life (he's got daddy issues) and I shouldn't have to tell someone to keep things real with me. That's the kind of stuff that pisses me off. I knew something was off, I could just feel the energy. Yea, I wasn't talking much this morning and I knew you were trying to make conversation but you should've just told me". I just sat there kind of shocked because I didn't think it was all that serious? I told him I assumed he was agitated but I wasn't sure so I just let it go.

He kind of calmed down and said, "I get that you weren't trying to be confrontational but I wanted you to be straight up with me". I just kept saying, "mmhmm". He turned to me and said, "now I feel like you're the one agitated" I said no you're telling me how you feel and I'm just listening. He tried to crack a corny joke and I laughed and said, "this is why didn't like you 4 years ago and why I don't like you now". He turned and said, "I'm getting bad vibes now. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Did I make you feel bad?" I said, honestly yea a little bit. He apologized. This was all happening as he was pulling up to my car. I hop out and he starts putting my beach things in my car and I hand him his snacks that I put in my bag. He said, "you don't want to keep them?" I said no and kind of stood there. We gave each other an awkward hug then I went home.

He texted me the next day asking how I was feeling and I said, "ehhh..you?". I figured everything was all good since he made contact the next day. He replied and said he wasn't drinking anymore. I felt physically felt awful that day and didn't respond to him until 8 hours later. I told him I just woke up and that I wasn't feeling well. He responded 24 hours later and completely changed the topic and started talking about a show. We texted on and off for the next day and I eventually face-timed him. He didn't pick up.

I haven't heard from him in 3 days, but he's looked at in my insta stories. We talked pretty much every day so not hearing from him is odd. I thought since we were hanging out 8-10 hours each time and talking almost every day our FWB was going well. Him getting that angry and I guess disappearing/ignoring me just really threw me off.

Is he angry or lost interest/just over being FWB already?

[rjc149]

Doesn't seem like you see him as an FWB, if you're getting this flustered about him. 

Doesn't sound like he sees you as one either. 

When I did FWB arrangements, I didn't want to cuddle with them after sex. I didn't come up from behind and nuzzle them. I used their vaginas to masturbate and preferred if they promptly left my apartment afterwards so I could get on with my evening. That's why they were FWB's and not romantic partners. I made that boundary very, very clear and would only continue the arrangement if it was very, very clear that she was on the same page. 

Given that you were once romantic partners, this will never be possible. 

If you are both open to a reconciliation and trying a new relationship, I would do that. I don't think you could be anything less than that. 

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like games. I've never had a fwb arrangement, and based on what I've heard, I doubt I ever could because it always seems like the 'friends' element is missing from one or both sides of the equation. Like in this case, it appears you like him as more than he does you, which might be why he seemed a little 'agitated' and stand offish on the get-together,. I call him out for gas lighting you by blaming you for not calling him out on his irritability(???) instead of addressing the reason for it. I don't know why you'd care or want to hang out with him again, but FwB is almost always temporary thing until the other moves on/loses interest...

[elaine567]

58 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

We ended up having sex and afterward, I turned to him and patted his shoulder and said, "well I guess we're officially f buddies now". He didn't say anything.

My guess this is when you killed it for him.
Who broke up with who, all those years ago?

[zawadi16]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

My guess this is when you killed it for him.
Who broke up with who, all those years ago?

Why would that have killed it? 
we still went out after that and he contacted me so why do all that if i supposedly killed days before? 
 

I kind of broke up with him and he kind of broke up with me, sorta. I ended things out of fear, try to fix things weeks later, and he responsive but then he just kind of disappeared. I knew he was going through some serious family issues before I ended things. This is what he apologized for. He said he had a lot to deal with and just didn’t want to deal with his personal issues and our issues too so he just ghosted. 

[elaine567]

I guessed that you split up with him as this meant more to him than it meant to you.
You had just had sex and you demeaned it and ruined it, by mentioning F buddies, not even friends with benefits, but f buddies... that is how you killed it.
That is why he said you were guarded and cold, that is why he hardly spoke and seemed annoyed on your trip.
That is why he said(jokingly) but no joke, "this is why didn't like you 4 years ago and why I don't like you now".
Never a good idea to make a f'buddy out of an ex, as feelings are always involved somewhere...

[zawadi16]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guessed that you split up with him as this meant more to him than it meant to you.
You had just had sex and you demeaned it and ruined it, by mentioning F buddies, not even friends with benefits, but f buddies... that is how you killed it.
That is why he said you were guarded and cold, that is why he hardly spoke and seemed annoyed on your trip.
That is why he said(jokingly) but no joke, "this is why didn't like you 4 years ago and why I don't like you now".
Never a good idea to make a f'buddy out of an ex, as feelings are always involved somewhere...

I said that to him actually...

and fwb/f-buddies aren’t they the same thing? He knows it’s not just sex and that I enjoy his company. I was hanging around his sister and we were spending a full day with one another. 

 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

He knows it’s not just sex and that I enjoy his company. I was hanging around his sister and we were spending a full day with one another. 

I guess he doesn't. You made it clear he was a fbuddy...

8 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

fwb/f-buddies aren’t they the same thing?

No.
fwb an actual friend with benefits
Fbuddy a virtual stranger you have an arrangement to sleep with regularly.

[zawadi16]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess he doesn't. You made it clear he was a fbuddy...

No.
fwb an actual friend with benefits
Fbuddy a virtual stranger you have an arrangement to sleep with regularly.

I just assumed since he was going back to the other side of the country he was cool with the arrangement.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, zawadi16 said:

He turned to me and said, "you know you're super into me". I laughed and said, "or I was just bored during the quarantine and needed something to do and you were around". In a laughing manner, he said, "oh yea, well me too. I was just bored. I'm glad we cleared that up". We ended up having sex and afterward, I turned to him and patted his shoulder and said, "well I guess we're officially f buddies now". He didn't say anything. 

I know you were trying to be funny - but girl, no. Just no. Some jokes are too risky, especially right after sex. 

It seems like you're both too insecure to be honest about your feelings with each other. Maybe all he wanted was casual. But declaring him a f-buddy after you've just had sex? Not the best way to address it. 

[smackie9]

You weren't feeling well so he's backed off and found something else to do. Why assume the worst? Shoot over a text saying you feel much better now, and ask what he has been up to. Keep the conversation nonchalant. 

[zawadi16]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I know you were trying to be funny - but girl, no. Just no. Some jokes are too risky, especially right after sex. 

It seems like you're both too insecure to be honest about your feelings with each other. Maybe all he wanted was casual. But declaring him a f-buddy after you've just had sex? Not the best way to address it. 

Our feelings? You mean like rules, for a lack of better words, for our fwb situation? Or do you mean romantic feelings? 

[zawadi16]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You weren't feeling well so he's backed off and found something else to do. Why assume the worst? Shoot over a text saying you feel much better now, and ask what he has been up to. Keep the conversation nonchalant. 

I assumed the worst because we were talking after I started feeling better. I called him, he didn’t pick up, and I haven’t heard from him in days which is unlike him.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

Our feelings? You mean like rules, for a lack of better words, for our fwb situation? Or do you mean romantic feelings? 

All of the above. 

You two dance around honesty with each other and tried to couch your respective doubts as jokes. You can see that it didn't work well. I am not saying he necessarily wanted more than sex, but you and he both don't seem to know how to communicate with each other to gain any clarity, either. 

[Ami1uwant]

19 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

Our feelings? You mean like rules, for a lack of better words, for our fwb situation? Or do you mean romantic feelings? 

 

 

I think he wanted more than f w b

thrrd is something from the past that needs to be talked about if this is going to go somewhere.

 

 

[fly_five]

It’s not a fwb for him. “I know you’re super into me” - The very last thing you do is talk about feelings in a fwb, joking or not. He was looking for you to say yes or something along those lines because that’s how he felt. 

you also don’t get so worked up over a small question like being agitated or not with a fwb. Think about it, would you get that upset if a friend asked you that? No. 
 

He likes you and probably feels like/knows you don’t feel the same way.

Edited June 19, 2020 by fly_five

[Piddy]

Seems to me these FWB relationships are light on the friends part and heavy on the benefits.  Basically what you're agreeing to is dropping trou and banging bellies with no emotional component.  In this situation he seems like he still had an emotional component for her and didn't want to be just an FWB.  

 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Piddy

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it hurt his feelings - or at least his ego - that you declared the two of you "F buddies." You both sound pretty vague and unclear about what you want. As long as that's the case, I imagine this situation will continue to feel muddled.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m not so sure that he’s hurt by her FWBs comment. I think there’s something a bit more sinister at play here and I’m getting a bad vibe. 
 

I think he’s playing a game with you Op to feed his ego. Building you up, ignoring you, giving you the silent treatment for no apparent reason, blowing his top for no good reason, gaslighting you ....

Then he quite clearly (and angrily) tells you what he wants you to do and how he wants you to do it!  In no uncertain terms! Who the hell does he think he is?! 

Then the games with the contact afterwards .....

He doesn’t just want to f**k you, he wants to head f**k you. 
 

Get away from him 

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m not so sure that he’s hurt by her FWBs comment. I think there’s something a bit more sinister at play here and I’m getting a bad vibe. 
 

I think he’s playing a game with you Op to feed his ego. Building you up, ignoring you, giving you the silent treatment for no apparent reason, blowing his top for no good reason, gaslighting you ....

Then he quite clearly (and angrily) tells you what he wants you to do and how he wants you to do it!  In no uncertain terms! Who the hell does he think he is?! 

Then the games with the contact afterwards .....

He doesn’t just want to f**k you, he wants to head f**k you. 
 

Get away from him 

 

 

I kind of got a "he's playing with you" vibe too.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/19/2020 at 3:56 PM, Ami1uwant said:

I think he wanted more than f w b. thrrd is something from the past that needs to be talked about if this is going to go somewhere.

Agree this sounds a lot more involved than FWB and you are growing attached.