LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Hi everyone, I hope you are all well. My boyfriend cheated on me. We have been together a long time, so we decided to give it another chance. When I say cheated, I have no proof it was physical, I just found hundreds of messages (deep emotional messages and as much as it hurts to say this, he used words with her he’s never used with me) it almost broke us up. Three months later, I’ve just discovered he still has her number. Why would he have it if it were over? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi everyone, I hope you are all well. My boyfriend cheated on me. We have been together a long time, so we decided to give it another chance. When I say cheated, I have no proof it was physical, I just found hundreds of messages (deep emotional messages and as much as it hurts to say this, he used words with her he’s never used with me) it almost broke us up. Three months later, I’ve just discovered he still has her number. Why would he have it if it were over? Maybe they hook up behind the scenes? There is physical cheating and emotional cheating. You have proof of one; he cheated once. Where there is smoke there is fire. My dear. You deserve better than a cheater. More than likely he has not and will not change. Clearly it hurts you. Why continue to be with him? Dump him and find someone more loyal and loving to you. This guy isn't the one. Sorry that you are going through this. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 33 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Maybe they hook up behind the scenes? There is physical cheating and emotional cheating. You have proof of one; he cheated once. Where there is smoke there is fire. My dear. You deserve better than a cheater. More than likely he has not and will not change. Clearly it hurts you. Why continue to be with him? Dump him and find someone more loyal and loving to you. This guy isn't the one. Sorry that you are going through this. Hi, thank you so much for replying - if it was over the number wouldn’t be there would it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, thank you so much for replying - if it was over the number wouldn’t be there would it? I would think not! If I am over someone and truly mean it, number is gone. Especially if I plan to move on with someone else. Now don't get me wrong. Some exs remain friends, keyword: Some! But given this guys history, I'd be in doubt of that! I'd call it off completely if I were you. You are too awesome to be tied down to this kinda crap! Edited June 17, 2020 by Stevnx3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 20 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, thank you so much for replying - if it was over the number wouldn’t be there would it? One would think he'd have deleted it if he were serious about repairing your relationship. However, the biggest problem isn't that he has still has her number (which is a bad sign, I agree) It's that he emotionally cheated with someone else to begin with. Did he confess, or did you catch him? I have a feeling it was the latter, given how you worded it. Who is she, exactly, and how long was this going on? (that you know) What exactly has he done to try to make things right with you again? If he's kept her number, I don't think he's ready to let go of her altogether. I'm sorry you're going through this, Lauren. It doesn't look good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: One would think he'd have deleted it if he were serious about repairing your relationship. However, the biggest problem isn't that he has still has her number (which is a bad sign, I agree) It's that he emotionally cheated with someone else to begin with. Did he confess, or did you catch him? I have a feeling it was the latter, given how you worded it. Who is she, exactly, and how long was this going on? (that you know) What exactly has he done to try to make things right with you again? If he's kept her number, I don't think he's ready to let go of her altogether. I'm sorry you're going through this, Lauren. It doesn't look good. Hi thank you so much for responding - I caught him..maybe 6 months or so I’m not totally sure. A long time anyway - would you say if he didn’t care about her at all then it would be easy to delete? He wouldn’t just leave it there for no reason would he? i know I keep mentioning the number..but to me it’s not a number, it’s a link to her, sorry if I’m not making much sense right now my head is a mess Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 56 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: would you say if he didn’t care about her at all then it would be easy to delete? Yes, I would concur. It likely isn't simply an oversight on his part. But more importantly, if he really cared about you and making amends for his betrayal? Her number would have been the first thing to go. How did you find out he still has it? And for clarity, what is the backstory? In other words, how long have you been together and how did you find out about his affair in the first place? Who is this other woman? Edited June 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Not everybody deletes & blocks. I have access to the numbers of EXs. Doesn't mean I want these people back in my life. If your BF was consistently talking to an EX behind your back using flowery language that is some indication that he still shares a connection with that EX . If you found messages from long ago perhaps you need to let it go. What is the time line here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) Ok I’m going to be honest here as I already feel terrible for maybe not being as honest as I should have been but I’m just so ashamed. We got married in 2016 in July and found out very unexpectedly that I was pregnant in August when I was 6 months along so it came as a shock. We have never been ‘great’ - but we have always just gone along and marriage was the next step etc. in December 2017 I found all these messages on his phone between the two of them. It was obvious they shared a deep personal connection, I can’t deny that he used words in those messages he has never used with me. Things haven’t been great ever since (I need to point out though he is an amazing dad, I can’t fault him there) . After finding these messages we had a huge fight and he ‘deleted her’ or so I thought. one of the messages I saw from her to him was I’m sorry but I can’t be in your life anymore if you have another baby. things have just been like going through the motions and I said I want another baby . Not just because of what she said (it has been in my mind though) but I’ve always wanted a sibling for our son. im now pregnant and discovered the phone number in his phone. I think they have been speaking, stopped when he found out I was pregnant but only because he doesn’t know how to tell her incase he loses her. He hates confrontation of any kind so surely it would make his life (and mine) easier to delete her, even if they aren’t speaking right now I feel like she is still in his life because he has her number im sorry if I’ve come across as dishonest in my original post I’m just so ashamed of everything. I really appreciate your honest comments though, they are what I need Lauren Edited September 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quoted deleted comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 @LaurenEliz I believe you must do, what 15 days and or 50 posts to be able to PM... If you two initially broke it off, over texts at the beginning, that you felt as though went too far, and got back together, you may just need to forgive and move on, as you agreed to restart the relationship. I say this with the caveat that he also must prove himself. To regain your trust. Is this the same girl he messaged before? If so. That is not good. He should work with you - his current g/f - over anything that may abridge your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) On 6/17/2020 at 8:22 AM, LaurenEliz said: Ok I’m going to be honest here as I already feel terrible for maybe not being as honest as I should have been but I’m just so ashamed. We got married in 2016 in July and found out very unexpectedly that I was pregnant in August when I was 6 months along so it came as a shock. We have never been ‘great’ - but we have always just gone along and marriage was the next step etc. in December 2017 I found all these messages on his phone between the two of them. It was obvious they shared a deep personal connection, I can’t deny that he used words in those messages he has never used with me. Things haven’t been great ever since (I need to point out though he is an amazing dad, I can’t fault him there) . After finding these messages we had a huge fight and he ‘deleted her’ or so I thought. one of the messages I saw from her to him was I’m sorry but I can’t be in your life anymore if you have another baby. things have just been like going through the motions and I said I want another baby . Not just because of what she said (it has been in my mind though) but I’ve always wanted a sibling for our son. im now pregnant and discovered the phone number in his phone. I think they have been speaking, stopped when he found out I was pregnant but only because he doesn’t know how to tell her incase he loses her. He hates confrontation of any kind so surely it would make his life (and mine) easier to delete her, even if they aren’t speaking right now I feel like she is still in his life because he has her number im sorry if I’ve come across as dishonest in my original post I’m just so ashamed of everything. I really appreciate your honest comments though, they are what I need Lauren Yeah it all does not sound great at all. Seems that he has shared some deeper connection with her...possibly even behind your back, if the bolded is so. Kids only deepen the matter. This is with the same woman, who essentially caused issues in your relationship to begin with. Sorry but to me this sounds all very inappropriate and wrong. Would he be with you, if you ended up not ever being pregnant or her? Hmm. Edited September 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quoted deleted comment. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Being married with children changes this dynamic. You got married for the wrong reasons you know that. So now you have a choice. You either bot commit to making this marriage work & raising your kids as a an intact family or you divorce. It's one or the other. You are going to have to get over your fear of confrontation. First start with this doesn't have to be a fight but it is a conversation / discussion that must happen. Tell him you found the messages & that you were hurt by them. Apologize for snooping. Then ask what he wants. If he hopefully says he's committed to this marriage, ask him what that looks like. It must involved marriage counseling. You are too hurt to get through this without professional intervention. Then with help from the MC work together to put this behind you. If he admits he really wants her or that he doesn't love you, get your act together so that you can divorce as civilly as possible for the sake of the children. You will need a plan about where to live & now to support yourself. You can't continue in limbo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Yeah it all does not sound great at all. Seems that he has shared some deeper connection with her...possibly even behind your back, if the bolded is so. Kids only deepen the matter. This is with the same woman, who essentially caused issues in your relationship to begin with. Sorry but to me this sounds all very inappropriate and wrong. Would he be with you, if you ended up not ever being pregnant or her? Hmm. Don’t apologise it is all such a mess. Would you agree with me in saying that it’s not over between them because he still has her number? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: Being married with children changes this dynamic. You got married for the wrong reasons you know that. So now you have a choice. You either bot commit to making this marriage work & raising your kids as a an intact family or you divorce. It's one or the other. You are going to have to get over your fear of confrontation. First start with this doesn't have to be a fight but it is a conversation / discussion that must happen. Tell him you found the messages & that you were hurt by them. Apologize for snooping. Then ask what he wants. If he hopefully says he's committed to this marriage, ask him what that looks like. It must involved marriage counseling. You are too hurt to get through this without professional intervention. Then with help from the MC work together to put this behind you. If he admits he really wants her or that he doesn't love you, get your act together so that you can divorce as civilly as possible for the sake of the children. You will need a plan about where to live & now to support yourself. You can't continue in limbo. Hi, thank you for messaging I know limbo is torture. We had the confrontation in Dec 2017, he doesn’t know I know he still has her number, I discovered if the other night. Surely if he wanted to make it work with me that link to her (the number) would have been deleted Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Don’t apologise it is all such a mess. Would you agree with me in saying that it’s not over between them because he still has her number? From your previous post, I'd give it a 90% chance that they are still talking. He may break every once and a while or be more cleaver with hiding it. If he was doing this before or during your pregnancy then he may well be doing so now. Nothing is a 100% guarentee, but chances are high. He has feelings for her, what I gather. I doubt that they simply disappeared. You may catch him again texting her, who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, Stevnx3 said: From your previous post, I'd give it a 90% chance that they are still talking. He may break every once and a while or be more cleaver with hiding it. If he was doing this before or during your pregnancy then he may well be doing so now. Nothing is a 100% guarentee, but chances are high. He has feelings for her, what I gather. I doubt that they simply disappeared. You may catch him again texting her, who knows? I'd like to add: do not have any more kids with him, if things are this turbulent. It will only compound matters. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, Stevnx3 said: From your previous post, I'd give it a 90% chance that they are still talking. He may break every once and a while or be more cleaver with hiding it. If he was doing this before or during your pregnancy then he may well be doing so now. Nothing is a 100% guarentee, but chances are high. I agree, unfortunately. It sounds like this is an affair that has never really stopped, OP. He might not have been in continuous contact with her since you initially found out, but this reads very much like "the other woman" who's been his secret girlfriend long enough to grow impatient and now wants to leave if he doesn't finally end your marriage and come to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Has he messaged her during 2020 or even 2019? If yes, then there is more of a problem. If he hasn't messaged her recently, you have a fighting chance. Again it has to be a conversation & you need marriage counseling if this has any chance of working. Not every fight has to be marriage ending. My husband & I had a fight over the weekend. I didn't get response here on LS to divorce. Ridiculous. It wasn't a marriage ender. It was just a disagreement. Your situation is far more serious. You really need to talk to him -- TALK not yell, not accuse, don't raise your voice, as hard as that will be. Find out what he wants & what he thinks the path forward looks like. He might not see or want one. You have to be prepared for that. IMO you can make deleting her phone # a condition but bear in mind that could simply send him to a burner phone or cause him to list her under an alias. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 I’m sorry for your fight I hope things are ok now. i do believe they have been in contact because why else have the number, but since finding out I was pregnant, just knowing what he’s like and from seeing that previous message about if you had another baby I will leave, I don’t think he’s spoken with her because he doesn’t know how to tell her. i know I need to confront him, I’m just trying to think of reasons as to why that number is still on his phone and for me it’s because he’s keeping a door open, that’s the only one I could think of Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Stop saying you need to confront him. That word is loaded. It's as if you are spoiling for a fight which won't help. You need to deescalate. You have to TALK to him. One small saving grace here is that the OW seems to be smarter then your husband. Granted she still carried on with him after he was married & had 1 kid but she at least drew the line at 2. Let's hope she has a new relationship. Again if they haven't been in contact for a while that is a good thing. I have contact info for at least 4 men I previously dated. 2 I need to interact with for work. We're all in the same industry. There is no getting around it but it's not romantic. 1 lives around the corner. Ironically DH Is better friends with him now then I am. Granted we dated in HS many decades ago. Another is a long time family friend. Don't you have old phone books somewhere or contacts that just carry through that you don't use? Not everybody is vigilant about cleaning out contact info. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 20 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Surely if he wanted to make it work with me that link to her (the number) would have been deleted If you read the stories on the other woman part of the forum you will find that after "Dday" (the day the wife found out) that it is not uncommon for the affair to continue only in a cleverer or more underground way in order to escape further detection. Some affairs have multiple Ddays, patching up with the wife after each one, but still continuing with the affair. Some men have affairs not because they want a new wife, but because they want two women... He may indeed want it to work with you, but that doesn't mean he does not want to continue on with her on the side... Cheaters rarely "reform" without a whole lot of counselling, consequences, and deep remorse on the part of the cheater. Here he got away with it, you didn't leave, you instead tried to patch it up with another baby... bad mistake. Men need sex and attention and they often cheat when wives are pregnant... Yes you can confront him but he will lie and lie and lie as that is what they do and as you are suspicious and if he is in an affair, then he will just hide things better. You need to keep quiet and try to catch him out again if you want the real truth. Who is this woman? How did he meet her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 17, 2020 Author Share Posted June 17, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I agree, unfortunately. It sounds like this is an affair that has never really stopped, OP. He might not have been in continuous contact with her since you initially found out, but this reads very much like "the other woman" who's been his secret girlfriend long enough to grow impatient and now wants to leave if he doesn't finally end your marriage and come to her. Would you say even if they gave stopped speaking (for now) he’s kept the number to re initiate? I know there’s no way you could know, I’m really just trying to explore every avenue as to why he’d have that number Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 4 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, thank you so much for replying - if it was over the number wouldn’t be there would it? In his phone? I have numbers from old gf's, acquaintances, work "buddies," and others from 10 or more years ago (some from 40 years ago) that just stay in my phone. It doesn't HAVE to mean anything, but since there was an EA at least, it would be a very good gesture if he'd delete it at your request. Otherwise, I'd say he thinks she may be a backup plan to you if things go bad later. No doubt he can find her number elsewhere in that case - it won't matter that it's not in his phone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 Being that I've been on your husbands side of the equation if he's been outed he's most likely not using her phone number and it's just there. I'd say it's more an indication that he has an emotional connection with her that runs deeper than is apparent and therefore he's not deleting the number out of sentiment. Emotional cheating where you have a strong connection with someone is probably the most complicated to actually break, and being caught often isn't enough. If he's still talking to her it's probably moved underground as others have mentioned, look at apps like WhatsApp, Signal, Twitter, etc... as alternative channels they might be talking on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Share Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Would you say even if they gave stopped speaking (for now) he’s kept the number to re initiate? Probably, yes. I'm sorry you're going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
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