Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. He uses words with her he’s never used with me..if this has been going on since the end of 2017 with only a few months gaps here and there..he can’t think it’s that wrong otherwise he’d have taken the steps to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: That makes total sense. One more thing and then I will stop focusing on this (or try to) (and thank you for helping by the way) - she said to him ‘don’t you need me anymore’ and he said ‘turns out I do need you’ so do you think that maybe there was a time when he didn’t need her? Or was he just trying to bury his feelings for her and that hasn’t worked It's possible that he tried and it didn't work. The only way you'd know for sure would be to ask him (and hope for an honest answer, which is quite questionable). There's no real way to know. It's worth pointing out that this is all ex post facto analysis. He's back in touch, that's the important thing. It's possible he has limerence for her (and possibly she for him), which can be very similar to an addiction for some people. It normally eventually fades, but it certainly makes one feel in love while it lasts. It's also possible much or most of this is just "pillow talk". Practical matters often overrule sentiment in this world. It's possible he knows or feels at some level that he doesn't want to give you (or partial access to his children) up for this woman. It's possible he feels it's wrong - he almost certainly knows that at some level. What he'll actually want and/or try to do remains to be seen. He might want to maintain an affair rather than actually be with her openly. Or might not. Of course, since you know, him getting his rathers is pretty unlikely at this point. Eventually you'll figure out what you want to do about this and can take action. While this is not a recommendation, certainly no one would blame you for leaving him at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 @Stevnx3 I realize I was too harsh above and misspoke. You've been very supportive of OP, which is commendable. You have my genuine apologies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 11 minutes ago, mark clemson said: @Stevnx3 I realize I was too harsh above and misspoke. You've been very supportive of OP, which is commendable. You have my genuine apologies. You're perfectly fine. We can get heated at times. It's no biggie! I too am sorry! We all want what is best for the OP, her kids, and ultimately for her husband to come around, if ever; and it is very frustrating to see the hurt involved here and not get a little mean, and need to step back. Thank you for helping the OP as well! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 5 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: You're perfectly fine. We can get heated at times. It's no biggie! I too am sorry! We all want what is best for the OP, her kids, and ultimately for her husband to come around, if ever; and it is very frustrating to see the hurt involved here and not get a little mean, and need to step back. Thank you for helping the OP as well! Thank you both of you ☺️ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 I'll be honest, going be what you've said he's told her I think he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and that he's staying with you because of the children HOWEVER he wants her to be there somehow, in some way. Remember, he thinks you don't know about him messaging her so he's safe setting up his AP. I'd offer to go with him to meet her or just turn up when they meet. You can't live like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 59 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. He uses words with her he’s never used with me..if this has been going on since the end of 2017 with only a few months gaps here and there..he can’t think it’s that wrong otherwise he’d have taken the steps to end it? Well, that's basically the point. He knows it's wrong from a moral point of view and that he shouldn't be doing it - but he's more concerned about his own desires than doing what's right. Knowing it's wrong and caring that it's wrong are not the same thing. If I may ask, why did you two decide to marry? Was he happy to propose? (if he did in fact propose) What are you going to do if he someday comes to you and tells you he wants a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: We were together 8 years before we got married. Met in school, he is all I know. I guess you are both in your early/mid 20s, how old is this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 26, 2020 Author Share Posted June 26, 2020 Very close..we are 30, she is the same age 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 15 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: I'll be honest, going be what you've said he's told her I think he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and that he's staying with you because of the children HOWEVER he wants her to be there somehow, in some way. Remember, he thinks you don't know about him messaging her so he's safe setting up his AP. I'd offer to go with him to meet her or just turn up when they meet. You can't live like this. Hi yes I’m going to agree with you..she currently lives in another part of the uk so I know he’s not going to meet up with her in person (right now anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, that's basically the point. He knows it's wrong from a moral point of view and that he shouldn't be doing it - but he's more concerned about his own desires than doing what's right. Knowing it's wrong and caring that it's wrong are not the same thing. If I may ask, why did you two decide to marry? Was he happy to propose? (if he did in fact propose) What are you going to do if he someday comes to you and tells you he wants a divorce? I think we maybe felt it was the right thing to do. We were engaged for two years..I don’t know what to think right now. This voice message/telephone call that he’s planning..you don’t think it’s him saying he just wants to be friends? (Which is still inappropriate) I’m just trying to figure out the whole he wants her to hear him so she knows what he’s telling her is genuine Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: you don’t think it’s him saying he just wants to be friends? Men rarely want female friends. Sex is usually in there somewhere. There is a reason he is contacting her again and I highly doubt it is all about wanting to share recipes and YouTube videos of puppies... People who have been in an affair usually cannot be friends even if they try. One or both want "more" and the affair starts up again. Edited June 27, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 He may tell her he can’t leave because of the baby but he wants her to know his feelings for her are genuine. Maybe make some vague noise about leaving and being with her in the future when the kids are older - maybe even ask her to wait for him like so many OW are asked to hang around... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 Yes this had crossed my mind too thank you..I just thought I’d there any chance it’s to tell her he doesn’t want her Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 Hi, nice to hear from you yes you’re right. I think it’s more wishful thinking in my part that maybe he just wanted her to hear him genuinely say that he just wants to be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: ...maybe even ask her to wait for him like so many OW are asked to hang around... Agreed. Wait till she has the baby, and then we can be together... Wait till the baby is walking... Wait till the baby goes to school... Wait till the kids are just a bit older... She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Agreed. Wait till she has the baby, and then we can be together... Wait till the baby is walking... Wait till the baby goes to school... Wait till the kids are just a bit older... She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. So basically whatever this genuine thing is he has to have her hear him say, it’s not I have to make things work with my wife let’s just be friends Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 12 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So basically whatever this genuine thing is he has to have her hear him say, it’s not I have to make things work with my wife let’s just be friends Probably, if he genuinely hasn't contacted her for months, why contact her to tell her "I am trying to make things work with my wife"? Why bother? Better to let it die a death surely? and as I said men rarely want to be "just friends". Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Probably, if he genuinely hasn't contacted her for months, why contact her to tell her "I am trying to make things work with my wife"? Why bother? Better to let it die a death surely? and as I said men rarely want to be "just friends". Exactly. And he says he wants her in his life. He can’t mean just as a friend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: Exactly. And he says he wants her in his life. He can’t mean just as a friend Agreed. He definitely wants more than mere friendship. I truly believe that he loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Agreed. He definitely wants more than mere friendship. I truly believe that he loves her. Hi, nice to see you. Yes I have been awake in the night just wondering what he meant when he said that he needs her to hear him to show he’s being genuine. It can’t be I just want to be friends, and as @elaine567 put it perfectly, it would have just died a death and he wouldn’t have got back intouch..and there’s no way it would be I’m working on my marriage but I still want you in my life because how can you work on a marriage with her there Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, nice to see you. Yes I have been awake in the night just wondering what he meant when he said that he needs her to hear him to show he’s being genuine. It can’t be I just want to be friends, and as @elaine567 put it perfectly, it would have just died a death and he wouldn’t have got back intouch..and there’s no way it would be I’m working on my marriage but I still want you in my life because how can you work on a marriage with her there Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there. He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: She may be prepared to stick around for literally years. It doesn’t sound like it, did this woman tell him that another pregnancy was a dealbreaker for her. they have not talked for a while, now he is having another baby... she doesn’t sound like the type to hang on and pine for him for years... If he wants her, he may have to step it up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 23 minutes ago, BaileyB said: did this woman tell him that another pregnancy was a dealbreaker for her. Maybe, but so many OWs seem to put their foot down to pick it back up again when it becomes obvious that she will not get her own way. If it is "love", then some will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life. Any chink of hope that they can be together "properly" at some point, seems to keep many on board. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 27, 2020 Author Share Posted June 27, 2020 40 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there. He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. I agree. He is putting her feelings above mine. If it was something like an apology for the way he’s treated he would just text her that wouldn’t he? I don’t think it’s that I think it’s bigger than that because why the emphasis on her having to hear him? He said he wants her in his life and that she is special, and he thinks about her everyday. He’s scared of losing her isn’t he? That’s why he went quiet with her when we found out I was pregnant Link to post Share on other sites
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