Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

1 hour ago, Stevnx3 said:

Correct. He cannot simultaneously work on your marriage with him, and be with her. Like oil to water, won't mix or work. Poor girl, you must be very tired! It will do you well to rest here and there.

He is divided in thought, but singular in action. His thoughts may well be struck between her, the kids and you. His action is ultimately to be with her; to confess his feelings to her. To keep her. 

Sorry to disturb you again I just re read what he said to her..sorry if I’m being annoying I just don’t have anyonelse to turn to. After he said you’re special to me, I want you in my life because I think about you every day, that’s when he said I can’t just text you I need you to hear me so you know it’s genuine..why go to the bother?

[d0nnivain]

He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him.  He is scared to lose her.  He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy.  

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him.  He is scared to lose her.  He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy.  

Hi, yes that makes sense. I know I am torturing myself I’m just trying to work out why he’s so desperate to say whatever it is rather than text it (he isn’t seeing her in person she is over 500 miles away

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m just trying to work out why he’s so desperate to say whatever it is rather than text it 

Your mom has cancer and she’s trying to make it easier for you to hear the news - should she text it, or tell you on the phone?

You are pregnant and you want to tell your husband, and your parents - do you text them, or tell them on the phone?

You have lost your job - do you text your husband this news, or tell him on the phone? 

You want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, do you text him, or call him on the phone and have a conversation...

When someone is important to you, news - both good and bad - needs to delivered in person, or when that’s not possible,  on the phone. For a variety of reasons, it’s easier to have a conversation - to share the excitement or soften the blow, to explain what happened and ask for support/forgiveness, to clearly explain the situation and plan for the future, to manage the reaction fo the other person such that things will go the way you want them to go... So many reasons why you wouldn’t text something that is important to someone when you care about their reaction. 

That’s why he wants to call - he has something important to discuss, and he is concerned about her reaction. 

Edited June 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Your mom has cancer and she’s trying to make it easier for you to hear the news - should she text it, or tell you on the phone?

You are pregnant and you want to tell your husband, and your parents - do you text them, or tell them on the phone?

You have lost your job - do you text your husband this news, or tell him on the phone? 

You want to get back together with your ex boyfriend, do you text him, or call him on the phone and have a conversation...

When someone is important to you, news - both good and bad - needs to delivered in person, or when that’s not possible,  on the phone. For a variety of reasons, it’s easier to have a conversation - to share the excitement or soften the blow, to explain what happened and ask for support/forgiveness, to clearly explain the situation and plan for the future, to manage the reaction fo the other person such that things will go the way you want them to go... So many reasons why you wouldn’t text something that is important to someone when you care about their reaction. 

I understand. He says there are so many things he wants to say to her that won’t cone out right on a message. None of those will be telling her he is finished with her

[BaileyB]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

I understand. He says there are so many things he wants to say to her that won’t cone out right on a message. None of those will be telling her he is finished with her

Probably not. You say they have not been in contact recently. Why would he contact her again only to tell her, it’s over? 

[LaurenEliz]

He’s doing all of this to keep her isn’t he, if he didn’t care he’d have deleted her number and concentrated on our marriage so it says a lot that not only did he keep it but he has contacted her

[Atwood]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

He’s doing all of this to keep her isn’t he, if he didn’t care he’d have deleted her number and concentrated on our marriage so it says a lot that not only did he keep it but he has contacted her

I'm so very sorry. I don't have anything new to add onto what everyone else has said, but I just wanted to come here to tell you that you are going to be alright. I know the thought of him doing this to you is crushing and near unbearable, and that the thought of him leaving you might feel as though the world is crashing down around you. I think it's important that you know you're a capable person. You're dealing with all of this pain whilst being a mother, being a wife and being pregnant on top of dealing with everything else in your life during a pandemic. That sounds pretty badass to me, and you're more than capable of raising these kids and living your best life without someone who treats you like this. I might be way off the mark here, but please don't be scared to kick out on your own and show him you don't need him. He's taking you for granted and he deserves to pay the consequences of that. You were your own person before you became his wife, and you can do it again. Whatever happens, you are going to be okay. You are good enough. You can handle it. ❤️ 

[LaurenEliz]

5 minutes ago, Atwood said:

I'm so very sorry. I don't have anything new to add onto what everyone else has said, but I just wanted to come here to tell you that you are going to be alright. I know the thought of him doing this to you is crushing and near unbearable, and that the thought of him leaving you might feel as though the world is crashing down around you. I think it's important that you know you're a capable person. You're dealing with all of this pain whilst being a mother, being a wife and being pregnant on top of dealing with everything else in your life during a pandemic. That sounds pretty badass to me, and you're more than capable of raising these kids and living your best life without someone who treats you like this. I might be way off the mark here, but please don't be scared to kick out on your own and show him you don't need him. He's taking you for granted and he deserves to pay the consequences of that. You were your own person before you became his wife, and you can do it again. Whatever happens, you are going to be okay. You are good enough. You can handle it. ❤️ 

That’s so nice of you, thank you 

[Stevnx3]

53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He's bothering to want to speak because she is important to him.  He is scared to lose her.  He also knows that in person he stands a better chance of convincing her to not be mad about your pregnancy.  

Sorry Lauren. Was tending to house projects. Had to cut a board to line something with.

What @d0nnivain said is very spot on. He is unwilling to lose her. It is more a personal matter to speak to hear than text her.

Think of it like a letter vs a text. A letter is more personal, as it requires more effort, contains one's written text by hand. A regular text is what it is. He wants a more personal touch to this, so, he can in hopes of reducing the blowback from your pregnancy. 

Btw. You are never a bother. I understand where you are coming from. It is not an easy thing. I know the hurt of being betrayed, although, our circumstances are different in this regard ( i.e. you having kids and being married...I was only engaged and no kids ).

Turn to me...to us here as much as you need to. That is why the website exists, it's core mission is to help others.. ☺️ 

Who knows? If you stick around long enough...It may be you helping someone else in a similar situation?

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, Stevnx3 said:

Sorry Lauren. Was tending to house projects. Had to cut a board to line something with.

What @d0nnivain said is very spot on. He is unwilling to lose her. It is more a personal matter to speak to hear than text her.

Think of it like a letter vs a text. A letter is more personal, as it requires more effort, contains one's written text by hand. A regular text is what it is. He wants a more personal touch to this, so, he can in hopes of reducing the blowback from your pregnancy. 

Btw. You are never a bother. I understand where you are coming from. It is not an easy thing. I know the hurt of being betrayed, although, our circumstances are different in this regard ( i.e. you having kids and being married...I was only engaged and no kids ).

Turn to me...to us here as much as you need to. That is why the website exists, it's core mission is to help others.. ☺️ 

Who knows? If you stick around long enough...It may be you helping someone else in a similar situation?

No please don’t apologise. I hope in the future I can show the same kindness that you and others have shown me. 

 

Yes youre right, there’s no way he’s ending things with her because it would be easier just to get rid of her wouldn’t it. And if he was working on things with me, he wouldn’t need to tell her that, he’d just get rid of her

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

No please don’t apologise. I hope in the future I can show the same kindness that you and others have shown me. 

 

Yes youre right, there’s no way he’s ending things with her because it would be easier just to get rid of her wouldn’t it. And if he was working on things with me, he wouldn’t need to tell her that, he’d just get rid of her

Correct, he would just get rid of her. There is no reason to revisit the past, unless one was hoping to find something therein? But I digress. I doubt she was ever a past to begin with.

What steps has he taken to work with you - his wife, the mother of his children? It does not seem to be anything. He hasn't even made it to step: 1. Which is to stop contacting her.

He cannot. He is in love with her. He cannot just turn it off. It is hard to change our own behavior. Imagine how much harder it is for someone else? Especially someone else who is in love with another person.

[Stevnx3]

Your marriage is indeed over; as it is standing. @Atwood (Beerus) told you something very beautiful. Although right now your head is a mess, a fog of misery and sorrow envelops your nights and gives no pause in the day. There is hope for you. A better for you.

You simply fell in love with the wrong person. He fell in love with the wrong person. You mentioned before: "Do you think if he met her before me.." He stood a good chance of being with her. 

Key thing is, it is not your fault. You couldn't be anymore pretty, thoughtful, caring or a better mother. He is simply in love with someone else (although, there is risk to falling in love with someone who will happily help you in your quest to cheat on your pregnant wife...)

There is hope for you. You seem very kind and forgiving. There is beauty in that spirit. You will, even if it is difficult, find someone who will love that in you. Who will not care to talk to another girl behind your back. No, it will be this person telling you sweet, and longing things. Better yet, someone who will work with you, even if you have bad days. Love is work in progress, my dear; some fail at the working part.

[LaurenEliz]

6 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Your marriage is indeed over; as it is standing. @Atwood (Beerus) told you something very beautiful. Although right now your head is a mess, a fog of misery and sorrow envelops your nights and gives no pause in the day. There is hope for you. A better for you.

You simply fell in love with the wrong person. He fell in love with the wrong person. You mentioned before: "Do you think if he met her before me.." He stood a good chance of being with her. 

Key thing is, it is not your fault. You couldn't be anymore pretty, thoughtful, caring or a better mother. He is simply in love with someone else (although, there is risk to falling in love with someone who will happily help you in your quest to cheat on your pregnant wife...)

There is hope for you. You seem very kind and forgiving. There is beauty in that spirit. You will, even if it is difficult, find someone who will love that in you. Who will not care to talk to another girl behind your back. No, it will be this person telling you sweet, and longing things. Better yet, someone who will work with you, even if you have bad days. Love is work in progress, my dear; some fail at the working part.

I know. I guess I just thought about his response to her asking if she still had feelings for him..him saying all I k ow is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life..maybe he’s holding back on telling her how he really feels because he hasn’t told her I’m pregnant yet? Even though telling someonelse they are special does say a lot 

[Stevnx3]

8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I know. I guess I just thought about his response to her asking if she still had feelings for him..him saying all I k ow is that you’re special to me and I want you in my life..maybe he’s holding back on telling her how he really feels because he hasn’t told her I’m pregnant yet? Even though telling someonelse they are special does say a lot 

It does say a lot. I do see where you are focusing on the fact that he did not say he loved her, in his message. I think he is working up to that. I likewise still believe that he will not tell her right away, over the phone in call or in person, that you are pregnant. First he will have to bring on some charm, and use beautiful words to get her guard down.

Then when he is done reassuring her that he does love her; he will tell her. Maybe. It is hard to predict these things. I just think he will woo her first, it is easy to break the ice of your pregnancy that way, and minimizes the risks of her kicking him to the curb...

If she is the jealous type, maybe she will request a baby from him to show his love for her? That is speculating...so do not take it to heart. Just a thought that came to me.

 

Edited June 27, 2020 by Stevnx3

[LaurenEliz]

8 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

It does say a lot. I do see where you are focusing on the fact that he did not say he loved her, in his message. I think he is working up to that. I likewise still believe that he will not tell her right away, over the phone in call or in person, that you are pregnant. First he will have to bring on some charm, and use beautiful words to get her guard down.

Then when he is done reassuring her that he does love her; he will tell her. Maybe. It is hard to predict these things. I just think he will woo her first, it is easy to break the ice of your pregnancy that way, and minimizes the risks of her kicking him to the curb...

If she is the jealous type, maybe she will request a baby from him to show his love for her? That is speculating...so do not take it to heart. Just a thought that came to me.

 

There’s no way he’s wanting to tell her he just wants to be friends and nothing can ever happen

[Stevnx3]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

There’s no way he’s wanting to tell her he just wants to be friends and nothing can ever happen

No way. At least from what we know about him. We cannot...I cannot say one way or another his inner thoughts. Just from what I gather, I'd give it great odds that he will tell her he loves her.

Lauren...Question:

Would you be only friends with someone you supposedly love enough to betray your wife  ( and children ) for? 

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, Stevnx3 said:

No way. At least from what we know about him. We cannot...I cannot say one way or another his inner thoughts. Just from what I gather, I'd give it great odds that he will tell her he loves her.

Lauren...Question:

Would you be only friends with someone you supposedly love enough to betray your wife  ( and children ) for? 

It’s ok I do know the answer to my stupid question..I think because my heads just a mess I need to hear it from others that’s all. And no, I think if he never wanted anything to happen he wouldn’t bother having her number 

[Stevnx3]

9 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

It’s ok I do know the answer to my stupid question..I think because my heads just a mess I need to hear it from others that’s all. And no, I think if he never wanted anything to happen he wouldn’t bother having her number 

You're fine! 

And yes, if he wanted this to be over, it would be over. Simple as that.

[Amethyst68]

You know instead of discussing this with complete strangers online you should be discussing it with your husband. 

Despite what everyone is saying this does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage but you have to talk with your husband and you have to be honest with each other.

Most marriages survive an affair, whether they're a good marriage is another matter. Remember you have a choice too.

At the moment you're getting anxious over something that's not happened yet but you know your husband is planning. Don't let it get that far, confront him and don't let him gas light you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

There’s no way he’s wanting to tell her he just wants to be friends and nothing can ever happen

No. That's not generally how cheating married men operate. 

You may find it enlightening to post this to The Other Woman/Other Man forum as well. You may gain more insight from women who are in similar affairs with married men.

[elaine567]

The problem with telling him now is that he is merely going to shut up shop and Lauren will be then completely in the dark.
It probably won't stop him, he will remove the sync or just buy a new phone...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem with telling him now is that he is merely going to shut up shop and Lauren will be then completely in the dark.
It probably won't stop him, he will remove the sync or just buy a new phone...

Exactly. Time to be "dumb like a fox!" 😉

[LaurenEliz]

Hi guys I know this is probably just wishful thinking on my part but there is no way that he is going to the trouble of ‘wanting to hear him sound genuine’ just to tell her that he’s done with her/he’s sorry 

[Amethyst68]

On 6/27/2020 at 8:23 PM, elaine567 said:

The problem with telling him now is that he is merely going to shut up shop and Lauren will be then completely in the dark.
It probably won't stop him, he will remove the sync or just buy a new phone...

At what point does she do it then? I said in an earlier post this thread is giving me flashbacks to Enid's threads and I wasn't kidding. Enid's been asking the same question for YEARS is LE going to be doing the same thing?

The thing people seem to be forgetting is LE is currently pregnant. The amount of anxiety that comes through in her posts cannot be good for her or the baby. I doubt there is any way she can forget it till the baby is born going by the posts here. 

So what's the answer?