Crazelnut Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi guys I know this is probably just wishful thinking on my part but there is no way that he is going to the trouble of ‘wanting to hear him sound genuine’ just to tell her that he’s done with her/he’s sorry No, there is NO way he's going to tell her he's done with her. LE, what are you going to do? Are you going to sweep this all under the rug and just carry on? Or are you going to actually deal with the issue? Guess which way I'm leaning, lol? If you stay with him, you'll spend the rest of your life watching him like a prison guard (to no avail, because it's clear he'll reach out to her as soon as he can) and checking up on his chats. Do you want to live like that? There is no option 3 where he loves only you & is faithful. That horse left the barn already. Edited June 30, 2020 by Crazelnut 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 42 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: No, there is NO way he's going to tell her he's done with her. LE, what are you going to do? Are you going to sweep this all under the rug and just carry on? Or are you going to actually deal with the issue? Guess which way I'm leaning, lol? If you stay with him, you'll spend the rest of your life watching him like a prison guard (to no avail, because it's clear he'll reach out to her as soon as he can) and checking up on his chats. Do you want to live like that? There is no option 3 where he loves only you & is faithful. That horse left the barn already. You’re right, I’m sorry I guess I’m focusing on certain things but it’s just how my brain is working. My brain just can’t figure out why he wants to go to the trouble of leaving a voice message (in his words he wants her to know it’s genuine) rather than just text her and tell her I’m pregnant. Does he think there’s more chance she will stay if he says it rather than text it? i know my previous q was silly, I guess I just wanted to rule out that he’s not doing this just to say ‘sorry I’m happy with my wife we are having another baby’ - my rational prt of my brain says if that were true, he wouldn’t have her number at all Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Does he think there’s more chance she will stay if he says it rather than text it? In a word, yes. Assuming he tells her, it is only part of what he will probably tell her... Edited June 30, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: In a word, yes. Assuming he tells her, it is only part of what he will probably tell her... Well I’m assuming that’s what it is, he says there were so many things he wanted to say to her but whenever he put it in a message it came out wrong so he’s going to leave her a voice message. I guess part of me just hoped that in that voice message it would be him saying he had no feelings for her anymore, which is why I came on here so I have my truth tellers to knock some sense into me and bring me back to reality Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 31 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Well I’m assuming that’s what it is, he says there were so many things he wanted to say to her but whenever he put it in a message it came out wrong so he’s going to leave her a voice message. I guess part of me just hoped that in that voice message it would be him saying he had no feelings for her anymore, which is why I came on here so I have my truth tellers to knock some sense into me and bring me back to reality Not likely if he is going through this trouble and telling her he needs to do it in VM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Not likely if he is going through this trouble and telling her he needs to do it in VM. Hi nice to see you, yes you’re right. I think I’m trying to explore every possibility but deep down I know it’s not that. He wants to put whatever he wants to say in words rather than on a text so there’s a higher chance she won’t leave 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 13 hours ago, Stevnx3 said: Not likely if he is going through this trouble and telling her he needs to do it in VM. You’re right. I thought maybe it’s to genuinely tell her he’s sorry but even then, a text would be enough? Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 5 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: You’re right. I thought maybe it’s to genuinely tell her he’s sorry but even then, a text would be enough? A text would be enough in the sense that if he wanted to end up. As currently this is far from the case. His interests seem to lie with wanting to actually speak with her. He might mention the pregnancy. He might not. He might tell her sweet-nothings, who knows? I doubt she will call it off for him, even if he does confess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 LE, you've been posting here for 2 full weeks, asking us to tell you the meaning behind every little thing he does. Seeking confirmation that he's up to no good. Is this how you're going to deal with the situation long term? You have what is called "analysis paralysis." Are you going to suffer in silence while your husband reaches out to a woman he's in love with? Sweeping this under the rug isn't healthy for you, and the stress isn't healthy for your baby either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 Hi, nice to see you. Behind the scenes I’ve been looking up what my potential options are. You’re right I’m just exploring every single avenue as to why he feels he has to say whatever he has to say over a voice message. If it was just a case that ‘he’s sorry’ to her, why go to the bother of putting it on a voice message - I’m just trying to rule that out Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, nice to see you. Behind the scenes I’ve been looking up what my potential options are. You’re right I’m just exploring every single avenue as to why he feels he has to say whatever he has to say over a voice message. If it was just a case that ‘he’s sorry’ to her, why go to the bother of putting it on a voice message - I’m just trying to rule that out I am happy to see that you are looking up your options. Keep it up and set yourself free and on the right path. Very good to hear! Craze is right, this makes me happy to know you are taking steps! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 33 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: I am happy to see that you are looking up your options. Keep it up and set yourself free and on the right path. Very good to hear! Craze is right, this makes me happy to know you are taking steps! Hi, nice to hear from you. I am yes I’m just trying to quietly figure things out, I’m looking at my options. In the meantime though I just thought maybe he is only leaving her a voice message just to say he is genuinely sorry? But then, what’s the point in that, I don’t think it’s that Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, nice to hear from you. I am yes I’m just trying to quietly figure things out, I’m looking at my options. In the meantime though I just thought maybe he is only leaving her a voice message just to say he is genuinely sorry? But then, what’s the point in that, I don’t think it’s that Well, Lauren. Do not look at your options for too long. You will eventually need to make moves. Probably be more words between him to her than sorry ( I speculate ). I wouldn't be so pinned up on that. Could be anything, and nothing good. I am happy you are talking here. Just know that you will have to confront him soon enough. You have all you need on your side. I'd not wait too much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 18 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: At what point does she do it then? I said in an earlier post this thread is giving me flashbacks to Enid's threads and I wasn't kidding. Enid's been asking the same question for YEARS is LE going to be doing the same thing? The thing people seem to be forgetting is LE is currently pregnant. The amount of anxiety that comes through in her posts cannot be good for her or the baby. I doubt there is any way she can forget it till the baby is born going by the posts here. So what's the answer? The answer is for her to decide what SHE wants and act from that rather than looking to her cheating husband to direct their future. Looking to cheating husband will only perpetuate her cycle of anxiety because there will always be more questions and uncertainty. Her only hope for certainty is to peg that certainty on herself (but it doesn't seem OP has a strong sense of self and lacks confidence so not sure if she'll make the leap unless she recognizes the importance of self-reliance). Edith's thread is a great illustration of my point. Soooo many people repeatedly asked Edith what SHE will do. Every time Edith replies with posts about her husband's behavior with no answers to posters challenging Edith's own actions to break the cycle. Hence, it continues for years. Unless OP switches her focus of control from husband to self, she may stay on the same path as Edith. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Well, Lauren. Do not look at your options for too long. You will eventually need to make moves. Probably be more words between him to her than sorry ( I speculate ). I wouldn't be so pinned up on that. Could be anything, and nothing good. I am happy you are talking here. Just know that you will have to confront him soon enough. You have all you need on your side. I'd not wait too much longer. You’re right, I think I just needed someone to say it’s not going to be him saying he’s sorry Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 55 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: If it was just a case that ‘he’s sorry’ to her, why go to the bother of putting it on a voice message - I’m just trying to rule that out If I had to guess, my thought would be he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and gauge her reaction - thus the need for a phone call. That assumes he's going to be honest with her about that. That is an assumption and I certainly could be wrong. It's possible, but I think highly unlikely, that he would tell her it's over at the same time. I suspect it's much more likely that if she "caves" and wishes to continue anyhow, he will do so. Right now, in his mind, he probably has no "reason" to quit (other than the distance aspect). I could be wrong about that too, but I suspect not. It will be interesting to see how he reacts once you eventually reveal that you know about it. Of course "interesting" to me is real life and major implications/life changes to you. You should be aware that there is a tendency for WS to go strongly one way or the other at a DDay. Some very strongly revert back to wanting their partner, sometimes extremely strongly. Others are well and truly done and choose to leave the marriage no matter what. So, while this is NOT a recommendation for action one way or another, it's possible that upon revealing you know about the affair, you will "get him back". Particularly if there's no real possibility of him being with the OW. However, there is definitely no guarantee. These are just tendencies and a specific WS's reaction is probably impossible to know in advance. There is also the question of whether you'd want him back, which is a separate issue. I believe that, due to the peculiarities of how the psychology of this works, IF he really wants you and to stay married upon discovery, the less interest you show in that, the more strongly he is likely to chase you/want you back. Presumably that works only up to a point for most people. But we see cases where WS really and truly long for their partner back, even if the BS wants nothing to do with them, sometimes lasting years, staying "loyal" past a divorce, etc. Just to reiterate - I have no recommendation for a specific action based on this. You must decide what you'll do. There is no real way, I believe, to know how a specific WS will react. Reactions way outside the norm sometimes (rarely) can occur too. There is just no predicting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 Lauren, what you're actually doing by asking all these questions is staying inn denial because the truth is too difficult for you to face. People posting here can see it clearly because we are not emotionally attached to the outcome like you are. That being said, you have to face the truth even though it's going to be incredibly painful and bitter. Think what is in the long-term best interest for you and your kids. A mommy who's more preoccupied by monitoring daddy and questioning every angle of his every move, or a mommy that went through an immensely painful experience but emerged stronger in the end, and demonstrated a lesson in strength to her children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 12 minutes ago, mark clemson said: If I had to guess, my thought would be he's going to tell her about the pregnancy and gauge her reaction - thus the need for a phone call. That assumes he's going to be honest with her about that. That is an assumption and I certainly could be wrong. It's possible, but I think highly unlikely, that he would tell her it's over at the same time. I suspect it's much more likely that if she "caves" and wishes to continue anyhow, he will do so. Right now, in his mind, he probably has no "reason" to quit (other than the distance aspect). I could be wrong about that too, but I suspect not. It will be interesting to see how he reacts once you eventually reveal that you know about it. Of course "interesting" to me is real life and major implications/life changes to you. You should be aware that there is a tendency for WS to go strongly one way or the other at a DDay. Some very strongly revert back to wanting their partner, sometimes extremely strongly. Others are well and truly done and choose to leave the marriage no matter what. So, while this is NOT a recommendation for action one way or another, it's possible that upon revealing you know about the affair, you will "get him back". Particularly if there's no real possibility of him being with the OW. However, there is definitely no guarantee. These are just tendencies and a specific WS's reaction is probably impossible to know in advance. There is also the question of whether you'd want him back, which is a separate issue. I believe that, due to the peculiarities of how the psychology of this works, IF he really wants you and to stay married upon discovery, the less interest you show in that, the more strongly he is likely to chase you/want you back. Presumably that works only up to a point for most people. But we see cases where WS really and truly long for their partner back, even if the BS wants nothing to do with them, sometimes lasting years, staying "loyal" past a divorce, etc. Just to reiterate - I have no recommendation for a specific action based on this. You must decide what you'll do. There is no real way, I believe, to know how a specific WS will react. Reactions way outside the norm sometimes (rarely) can occur too. There is just no predicting. Hi thank you so much for your post. What you have said really makes sense. I can’t tell him that I know just yet. I know I’ve been concentrating on why etc the need for a phonecall and the bottom line of it is that he doesn’t want to lose her and that’s why he’s calling so it can be as genuine as possible. If he didn’t care, and if he were committed to me then her number wouldn’t even be in his phone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Hi thank you so much for your post. What you have said really makes sense. I can’t tell him that I know just yet. I know I’ve been concentrating on why etc the need for a phonecall and the bottom line of it is that he doesn’t want to lose her and that’s why he’s calling so it can be as genuine as possible. If he didn’t care, and if he were committed to me then her number wouldn’t even be in his phone Ps I don’t know if it’s a call but he was very specific about it not being over text so assuming it’s a voice message Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 How long do you plan to pretend you don't know about this, Lauren? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: How long do you plan to pretend you don't know about this, Lauren? Pretend I don’t know about what? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Pretend I don’t know about what? Pretend to your husband that you don't know he's still in contact with her, I meant. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Behind the scenes I’ve been looking up what my potential options are. You’re right I’m just exploring every single avenue as to why he feels he has to say whatever he has to say over a voice message. These are NOT the options you need to be looking into. You need to consider what you are going to do if he ups and leaves, if he starts up the whole affair again, if he decides to ignore you and the kids in favour of her, if he decides to take a trip up to where she is staying... You need to get your ducks in a row. How are you going to cope with two kids and no man? Do you have family, do you work? Older guys rarely leave, but younger guys can and do especially if they have two kids they were never totally on board with having in the first place... A calm life with a single OW that he loves may be more preferable to him than bringing up your kids for the next few decades... Your head is in the sand, obsessing over trivia when there are plans to be made for you and your kids survival. He may never leave, but what are you going to do if he does? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 LE, some great advice today. You are still in denial. You are focusing on all the wrong things. Why does it matter whether he calls her, texts her, sends it by smoke signals, or whispers it in her ear? He is communicating with her on the sly, and he's in love with her. Please, for your own sake, pull your head out of the sand and focus on yourself. Take control of your own life. You're giving him all the power here, so don't put YOUR future and your children's futures in the hands of this man. What do YOU want, Lauren? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 This thread sounds exactly like Edith's. It's incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
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