Husband kept OW number

[mark clemson]

Just FYI, Edith is a BW like yourself. In her case, she simply monitors her husband's ongoing multiple affairs (one "main" one I believe) and tries to assess the extent of his emotional connection to the OW without actually confronting him about it. (Some might say she's in pretty severe denial about the matter.)

Unlike you, she has known for years, not weeks, so IMO comparisons are, at the very least, premature. However, it still might be useful for you to understand a particular path this all might possibly take.

Speaking generally, I think some folks might expect/hope for "action" on a swifter timeline that many OPs are ready for. Preparing for/adjusting to major changes in one's life is not easy at the best of times. The point about not letting things drag out forever is, of course, also a valid one.

Just my opinion, but assessing you as an OW does seem a bit - fanciful. And not particularly kind from your perspective clearly.

Edited July 1, 2020 by mark clemson

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Just FYI, Edith is a BW like yourself. In her case, she simply monitors her husband's ongoing multiple affairs (one "main" one I believe) and tries to assess the extent of his emotional connection to the OW without actually confronting him about it. (Some might say she's in pretty severe denial about the matter.)

Unlike you, she has known for years, not weeks, so IMO comparisons are, at the very least, premature. However, it still might be useful for you to understand a particular path this all might possibly take.

Speaking generally, I think some folks might expect/hope for "action" on a swifter timeline that many OPs are ready for. Preparing for/adjusting to major changes in one's life is not easy at the best of times. The point about not letting things drag out forever is, of course, also a valid one.

Just my opinion, but assessing you as an OW does seem a bit - fanciful. And not particularly kind from your perspective clearly.

I suffer from anxiety and I tend to concentrate on certain things when maybe I should be concentrating on others. My mental health due to this situation isn’t great and I also have a demanding toddler to deal with, thank you Mark for being kind but these other posters have just been so cruel just because I haven’t ‘got my head out the sand’ when it’s convenient for them. If I was the ow then I’d be happy because I’d be waiting for this message/happy that he kept my number etc etc. Instead in my reality, I’m the heartbroken wife. I’m sorry that Edith has gone through this and I wish her the best. That doesn’t give idiots the right to throw about accusations. Thank you again Mark, you’ve been nothing but lovely, even telling me answers that I don’t want to hear, but you’ve been kind so I’m thankful. 

[Stevnx3]

Sorry this thread is turning south, @LaurenEliz. I do not know who Edith is, although I just read Mark's reply. I get your anxiety with dealing with this. I even understand the desire to ask the same questions over and over again in Hope's of hearing something different.

I too get the need everyone has to see you move forward and past this point ( which I hope that you do ). It is frustrating to see someone done wrong and what seems to be not taking any actions to correct this. However, I do understand you I have  been there and done that!

I do not know if you are the OW or not. I would wager that you are not. In any case this website offers a degree of anonymity, and all we have from thread to thread is someone's side of the story and have to take it at face value, unless something else comes up proving contrary.

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, Stevnx3 said:

Sorry this thread is turning south, @LaurenEliz. I do not know who Edith is, although I just read Mark's reply. I get your anxiety with dealing with this. I even understand the desire to ask the same questions over and over again in Hope's of hearing something different.

I too get the need everyone has to see you move forward and past this point ( which I hope that you do ). It is frustrating to see someone done wrong and what seems to be not taking any actions to correct this. However, I do understand you I have  been there and done that!

I do not know if you are the OW or not. I would wager that you are not. In any case this website offers a degree of anonymity, and all we have from thread to thread is someone's side of the story and have to take it at face value, unless something else comes up proving contrary.

Thank you for being so kind, I came on here because no one else knows. I don’t deserve this. If I was the ow I’d be pleased with this outcome. Instead I’m on here asking the same questions because yes part of me wants a different answer even though I know deep down that my marriage is a mess. Why would I even be on here if I was her? And now, thanks to people’s unkindness, I have nowhere to turn to. So thank you to them. (You’ve been kind though, thank you). 

[Stevnx3]

29 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thank you for being so kind, I came on here because no one else knows. I don’t deserve this. If I was the ow I’d be pleased with this outcome. Instead I’m on here asking the same questions because yes part of me wants a different answer even though I know deep down that my marriage is a mess. Why would I even be on here if I was her? And now, thanks to people’s unkindness, I have nowhere to turn to. So thank you to them. (You’ve been kind though, thank you). 

Well, I highly encourage you to stick around. Especially if you do have things weighing on you. Take a moment. Absorb everything and relax a little. It can be rough.

Tbh, I do believe that this does happen where an OW pretends to be the wife or whatever looking for answers from a different perspective. Again, I do not believe that you are. Frankly have no way to prove it. This is what I have to go on and what I tend to go with, unless it seems very farfetched.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Stevnx3

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Well, I highly encourage you to stick around. Especially if you do have things weighing on you. Take a moment. Absorb everything and relax a little. It can be rough.

Tbh, I do believe that this does happen where an OW pretends to be the wife or whatever looking for answers from a different perspective. Again, I do not believe that you are. Frankly have no way to prove it. This is what I have to go on and what I tend to go with, unless it seems very farfetched.

I’m aware that my story is one sided but I have told things that I have found embarrassing to tell. Discovering messages once again to this woman isn’t something I’d want to shout about. Also like I said, from previous answers on here, if I was her, I’d have stopped posting by now because I’d be happy with the outcome. I don’t care what people think of me on here but to think I’d do something like that is beyond disgusting. This woman is a home wrecker. It’s my marriage, not hers. Yes I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand I can agree with that. But those other posters are vile and I’m so upset. Thank you again for being nice 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m aware that my story is one sided but I have told things that I have found embarrassing to tell. Discovering messages once again to this woman isn’t something I’d want to shout about. Also like I said, from previous answers on here, if I was her, I’d have stopped posting by now because I’d be happy with the outcome. I don’t care what people think of me on here but to think I’d do something like that is beyond disgusting. This woman is a home wrecker. It’s my marriage, not hers. Yes I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand I can agree with that. But those other posters are vile and I’m so upset. Thank you again for being nice 

You're fine. I was not specifically singling you out as far as one-side stories. All threads on here are just one sided, well most, like these. Not like your husband is on here counter-arguing what you are telling us. Same goes for anything to varying degrees. 

I feel you. You're hurt. Now you're pissed off. Take a moment. Breathe a little. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

I don’t know who Edith is. But how dare you say I’m the ow. I’m the wife desperately hoping my husband still loves me. f*** off. 

I certainly wasn't implying you are the ow in this.

[LaurenEliz]

9 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

You're fine. I was not specifically singling you out as far as one-side stories. All threads on here are just one sided, well most, like these. Not like your husband is on here counter-arguing what you are telling us. Same goes for anything to varying degrees. 

I feel you. You're hurt. Now you're pissed off. Take a moment. Breathe a little. 

I’m hurt and angry but not at you, I’m sorry if it came across if I am. I just find it vile that people can be so cruel to someone who is obviously looking for help and advice. Shame on them 

[Crazelnut]

LE, don't let one person's far-fetched speculation that you're the OW drive you off this site.

And just to reiterate, the Edith reference isn't accusing you of being the OW. Edith is truly a cautionary tale for you. Edith has been monitoring her DH's affairs for years. Literally years. Like you, she is obsessed with whether or not he cares about his AP and whether every little sneeze could be an indicator that he's emotionally attached to AP. In short, an extended version of what you're doing. Edith is miserable. Nobody wants to see you miserable and living like that for the rest of your life.

We know from experience that the only way to deal with this in the long run is to face it head on and accept the situation. It's hard but necessary. 

[Stevnx3]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m hurt and angry but not at you, I’m sorry if it came across if I am. I just find it vile that people can be so cruel to someone who is obviously looking for help and advice. Shame on them 

...Well, just take a moment, Lauren. It will be alright. On here you will get a lot of varying comments. Just keep it pushing and take it grain by grain. I'd hate to see you go over this. As I am interested in your story and hoping that you get out of your bad marriage, for you and your kids. 

Not bottle it up. If you have no one else to talk to. I get it. But take a step back, and breathe a little.

[Stevnx3]

I'd think that by tomorrow you would have to ability to PM. I could be wrong, but you might. Then you can work things out in private if need be..

I agree with Craze. He is giving you a cautionary tale. Like I said no one wants you to be miserable for life. We want the best for you!

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, Crazelnut said:

LE, don't let one person's far-fetched speculation that you're the OW drive you off this site.

And just to reiterate, the Edith reference isn't accusing you of being the OW. Edith is truly a cautionary tale for you. Edith has been monitoring her DH's affairs for years. Literally years. Like you, she is obsessed with whether or not he cares about his AP and whether every little sneeze could be an indicator that he's emotionally attached to AP. In short, an extended version of what you're doing. Edith is miserable. Nobody wants to see you miserable and living like that for the rest of your life.

We know from experience that the only way to deal with this in the long run is to face it head on and accept the situation. It's hard but necessary. 

No just to be absolutely clear, this has nothing to do with this Edith person @ExpatInItaly said they wouldn’t be surprised if I was the ow. I’m upset because obviously I’m going to take that personally. 

I know I have to deal with this head on and ok maybe I have been secretive with how I’m really handling it. I cry probably every time I post and my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t mean to stick my head in the sand and I know I fixate on things but I’m just trying to work things out for myself because it’s helping my head before I speak to him.

Im going to take a break, thank you for your honesty - I don’t mean to come across like I’m not grateful for it I really am. It’s nice to know I’m getting honesty from somewhere but to be accused of being that woman is too much to handle 

[Crazelnut]

LE, **ONE** person accused you of that. Don't let that pizz you off so much that you don't come back.

[elaine567]

Lauren. You are in grief and denial. You are going over and over it in your head looking for another story another outcome so that everything can be OK again.
You are no doubt in shock which probably hasn't been helped by the fact you never fully processed the initial cheating episode.
Deep breaths.
Look after yourself, eat good food, drink plenty water and try to get some sleep.
Hand the toddler to your husband and try to relax a bit and get some rest.
What will be will be.
You will get through it whatever happens a stronger woman.
Lizzo's mantra speech
 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

No just to be absolutely clear, this has nothing to do with this Edith person @ExpatInItaly said they wouldn’t be surprised if I was the ow. I’m upset because obviously I’m going to take that personally. 

You completely misinterpreted what I meant, so allow me to clarify:

I don't think you are the Other Woman. What I meant is, that desperation you feel? She's probably feeling the same, and looking for reassurance from you husband or anyone else that he still loves her even if his wife is pregnant again. Hence why he wants to talk to her in person or at least on the phone. He can't reassure her that well over a text message. 

In short, I believe he's a lot more worried about reassuring her than he is you. You and she are likely both feeling desperate for answers. But which way is his head turned? You are going to need to confront this sooner or later. It's not a problem that is going to go away on its own, even if she disappears. The significant problems in your marriage will still exist. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/1/2020 at 5:19 PM, mark clemson said:

You should be aware that there is a tendency for WS to go strongly one way or the other at a DDay. Some very strongly revert back to wanting their partner, sometimes extremely strongly. Others are well and truly done and choose to leave the marriage no matter what.

There are, of course, exceptions. There are members on these boards where the EMR has lasted upward of a decade, through dozens of DDays. The WS pretends to jump through the hoops for a while to calm the BS down, then reverts. Sometimes they don’t even bother, if they sense the BS isn’t going anywhere. 
 

LE, what is your aim here? Are you happy to let sleeping dogs lie as long as he doesn’t dump you for her? Are you willing to accept it, as long as it’s not in your face? Does it matter to you to have him on site as a FT parent, if not a proper H? If you can be clear about what you’re prepared to accept, and what, your next steps might be clearer. Right now it seems you’re still hoping it will all go away... even though you know it won’t. 

[LaurenEliz]

45 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

There are, of course, exceptions. There are members on these boards where the EMR has lasted upward of a decade, through dozens of DDays. The WS pretends to jump through the hoops for a while to calm the BS down, then reverts. Sometimes they don’t even bother, if they sense the BS isn’t going anywhere. 
 

LE, what is your aim here? Are you happy to let sleeping dogs lie as long as he doesn’t dump you for her? Are you willing to accept it, as long as it’s not in your face? Does it matter to you to have him on site as a FT parent, if not a proper H? If you can be clear about what you’re prepared to accept, and what, your next steps might be clearer. Right now it seems you’re still hoping it will all go away... even though you know it won’t. 

Hi. I honestly don’t know what my aim is right this minute, I’m still trying to process things (which I know sounds lousy but it’s true). My head is slightly in the sand but mainly because I’m heavily pregnant and I know what I’m about to say sounds awful but things are only going to get worse. I don’t think the birth will magically bring us back together. I thought at one point maybe but I think that’s unrealistic now. 

I’m just trying to figure out a little at a time. What I know for sure though was if he was committed to me and wanted to make our marriage work, she wouldn’t be on his phone. 

Min previous communication between the two of them she said to him that if we had another baby she would leave (sorry if I’m repeating, just unsure of what you’ve read)(not why I wanted another but was in the back of my mind), they stopped speaking for a few months (as confirmed in recent messages just last week, but she has no idea I’m pregnant) - he said to her that he has so many things to say but they won’t come out right on message so he wants her to hear some voicemail (she lives in another part of uk at moment incase anyone’s wondering why he isn’t seeing her) so I’m trying to work out if he is going to that extra effort to keep her

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’m trying to work out if he is going to that extra effort to keep her

He wouldn’t be going to that extra effort if he didn’t care. He told her that he wants her in his life, so yes... he wants to keep her. 

[Crazelnut]

31 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

 I’m trying to work out if he is going to that extra effort to keep her

Yes, of course he wants to keep her. You KNOW he wants to keep her. Otherwise, he wouldn't keep her number in his phone. He wouldn't call her. He wouldn't message her. He wouldn't need to tell her these things by voice instead of just via text. He wants to keep her. He loves her. He cares more about not hurting her than he does about not hurting you. Yes, he wants to keep her.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Yes, of course he wants to keep her. You KNOW he wants to keep her.

You KNOW he wants to keep her, or you wouldn’t keep posting the same question hoping for a different answer. 

[LaurenEliz]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You KNOW he wants to keep her, or you wouldn’t keep posting the same question hoping for a different answer. 

I understand your frustration believe me try being in my head, yes deep down I do know the answer. You’re righht part of me is hoping he is only voice messaging her whenever it will be, that he will say sorry, it’s over I’m happy with my wife etc etc. I know deep down that won’t happen I guess it just makes me feel slightly more sane hearing others views that’s all

[Timshel]

On 6/17/2020 at 9:22 AM, LaurenEliz said:

Ah ok I’ve just noticed that. Ok I’m going to be honest here as I already feel terrible for maybe not being as honest as I should have been but I’m just so ashamed. 

We got married in 2016 in July and found out very unexpectedly that I was pregnant in August when I was 6 months along so it came as a shock. We have never been ‘great’ - but we have always just gone along and marriage was the next step etc.

in December 2017 I found all these messages on his phone between the two of them. It was obvious they shared a deep personal connection, I can’t deny that  he used words in those messages he has never used with me. Things haven’t been great ever since (I need to point out though he is an amazing dad, I can’t fault him there) . After finding these messages we had a huge fight and he ‘deleted her’ or so I thought.

one of the messages I saw from her to him was I’m sorry but I can’t be in your life anymore if you have another baby.

things have just been like going through the motions and I said I want another baby  . Not just because of what she said (it has been in my mind though) but I’ve always wanted a sibling for our son.

im now pregnant and discovered the phone number in his phone. 

 

I think they have been speaking, stopped when he found out I was pregnant but only because he doesn’t know how to tell her incase he loses her. He hates confrontation of any kind so surely it would make his life (and mine) easier to delete her, even if they aren’t speaking right now I feel like she is still in his life because he has her number  

im sorry if I’ve come across as dishonest in my original post I’m just so ashamed of everything. I really appreciate your honest comments though, they are what I need 

 

Lauren 

 

If a person takes the time to read this whole post^^ then this one below and 16 pages later makes no sense. 

51 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

I understand your frustration believe me try being in my head, yes deep down I do know the answer. You’re righht part of me is hoping he is only voice messaging her whenever it will be, that he will say sorry, it’s over I’m happy with my wife etc etc. I know deep down that won’t happen I guess it just makes me feel slightly more sane hearing others views that’s all

You never had a good relationship with this guy, your words.  Why would you think he would tell his OW that he is happy with his wife?  This is not to berate you Lauren, but an honest question as to your own needs and how this forum can be of assistance.

[LaurenEliz]

12 minutes ago, Timshel said:

If a person takes the time to read this whole post^^ then this one below and 16 pages later makes no sense. 

You never had a good relationship with this guy, your words.  Why would you think he would tell his OW that he is happy with his wife?  This is not to berate you Lauren, but an honest question as to your own needs and how this forum can be of assistance.

Oh good. Another person accusing me of making no sense. What doesn’t add up for you and I shall do my best to answer it. 

[Timshel]

27 minutes ago, Timshel said:

 Why would you think he would tell his OW that he is happy with his wife?  This is not to berate you Lauren, but an honest question as to your own needs and how this forum can be of assistance.

 

14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Oh good. Another person accusing me of making no sense. What doesn’t add up for you and I shall do my best to answer it. 

I have bolded the question for you.  Tell us why you think your husband wants to be with you.  This seems cold, i know but it's time we ask questions and you answer to clarify what you need.