Husband kept OW number

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, Timshel said:

 

I have bolded the question for you.  Tell us why you think your husband wants to be with you.  This seems cold, i know but it's time we ask questions and you answer to clarify what you need.

I thought that agreeing to another baby was a sign that maybe he wants to be with me. 

When our first was born and we’d argue he said he was only here because of our son. 

I thought if he agreed to another the. He couldn’t just be here for the sake of ‘the kids’ because we were having another. 

I know I pushed for this second baby. 

[d0nnivain]

That is so heartbreaking.  Your poor son.  You can't use a kid to fix what's wrong in a marriage. 

[Timshel]

Thank you Lauren.

So you know you have to ask him if he wants to go and if he does, you have to let him go.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I thought that agreeing to another baby was a sign that maybe he wants to be with me. 

Lauren, do you think maybe he agreed for the purpose of placating you, to distract you for a while, to keep you 'out of his hair' to free him up to think of OW? I'm just proposing a theory.

You said he's conflict avoidant. Conflict avoidant people dance around and mislead to avoid confronting truth or another person's emotions/needs. Maybe this was his way of getting you to stop asking him for affection/a second child/etc. Placates you so he can do as he pleases while you are pacified and distracted.

[LaurenEliz]

44 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Lauren, do you think maybe he agreed for the purpose of placating you, to distract you for a while, to keep you 'out of his hair' to free him up to think of OW? I'm just proposing a theory.

You said he's conflict avoidant. Conflict avoidant people dance around and mislead to avoid confronting truth or another person's emotions/needs. Maybe this was his way of getting you to stop asking him for affection/a second child/etc. Placates you so he can do as he pleases while you are pacified and distracted.

Hi, yes that does make sense as he is conflict avoidant

[LaurenEliz]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Lauren, do you think maybe he agreed for the purpose of placating you, to distract you for a while, to keep you 'out of his hair' to free him up to think of OW? I'm just proposing a theory.

You said he's conflict avoidant. Conflict avoidant people dance around and mislead to avoid confronting truth or another person's emotions/needs. Maybe this was his way of getting you to stop asking him for affection/a second child/etc. Placates you so he can do as he pleases while you are pacified and distracted.

Would you say that’s why he has avoided telling her about my pregnancy?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

9 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Would you say that’s why he has avoided telling her about my pregnancy?

Yes. It seems to me your husband is firstly focused on himself, and what makes him feel good. He's much more concerned for his own gratification than he is for others and that's why he conceals the truth--from you about her and from her about your pregnancy.

He seems like a weak man since he's conflict-avoidant, passive aggressive. Concealing truths from people he's involved with might give him a sense of power (even subconsciously).

Nonetheless, don't use that as an excuse to stay in a bad situation. Consider that conflict avoidant people use that as a strategy. It's dishonest because the person seems appeasing and considerate on the surface, but they are working towards a different end below the surface.  Ultimately they are deceiving their targets by withholding the genuine truths of what they think and how they feel.

I think that's what you're dealing with in your husband. It's like living in a hall of mirrors. He gets you to see what you want to see while he does whatever is self-serving behind your back. Don't allow yourself to be deluded anymore. Your strength will be in seeing the truth, even when it's painful!

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yes. It seems to me your husband is firstly focused on himself, and what makes him feel good. He's much more concerned for his own gratification than he is for others and that's why he conceals the truth--from you about her and from her about your pregnancy.

He seems like a weak man since he's conflict-avoidant, passive aggressive. Concealing truths from people he's involved with might give him a sense of power (even subconsciously).

Nonetheless, don't use that as an excuse to stay in a bad situation. Consider that conflict avoidant people use that as a strategy. It's dishonest because the person seems appeasing and considerate on the surface, but they are working towards a different end below the surface.  Ultimately they are deceiving their targets by withholding the genuine truths of what they think and how they feel.

I think that's what you're dealing with in your husband. It's like living in a hall of mirrors. He gets you to see what you want to see while he does whatever is self-serving behind your back. Don't allow yourself to be deluded anymore. Your strength will be in seeing the truth, even when it's painful!

Hey, I was actually going to pm you but I still can’t because I haven’t been here long enough so here goes. I agree with what you’re saying. My h even admits himself he sticks his head in the sand about situations he doesn’t want to deal with. I’ve known him since we were 15, he’s always been that way (I’m not excusing him). 

Thats why it shows me what a connection he has with her. Surely telling her that I’m pregnant would lead to a confrontation of sorts so surely it would be easier for him to just delete her and focus on our marriage. Instead, he is going to the trouble of voicing (not just messaging) what’s happening. 

IF it was a case that he felt guilty towards her and he wanted it over with her and to work on things with me, he’d not go to the trouble would he

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@LaurenEliz You are correct. Keep focusing on facts. You have been deceived and it's up to you to decide what you will do about it. 

What will be acceptable to you as an outcome? If your husband will not meet your terms (in transparent actions rather than promises/excuses), would you be willing to walk away from your marriage or would you give him a free pass to act as he pleases with little to no regard for you and children? What example will you set for your kids about self-respect and how to stand up to injustice? You are currently writing the stories of their lives. They are too young to understand now, but one day they will know how this played out. If you stay, your husband's behavior will continue as is unless he leaves.

Give yourself control in this situation by deciding what is right for you and children. Then stick to it. Also consider what went wrong the last time you and husband discussed this other woman. Were you not firm enough on consequences? What can you do differently this time that will give you a better outcome? Learn from that and proceed. 

Edited to add:

Try this exercise...write down:

1) Your absolute best case scenario.

2) A scenario that's not best case but one you will settle for.

3) A worst case scenario that you absolutely will not accept no matter what.

Edited July 3, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@LaurenEliz You are correct. Keep focusing on facts. You have been deceived and it's up to you to decide what you will do about it. 

What will be acceptable to you as an outcome? If your husband will not meet your terms (in transparent actions rather than promises/excuses), would you be willing to walk away from your marriage or would you give him a free pass to act as he pleases with little to no regard for you and children? What example will you set for your kids about self-respect and how to stand up to injustice? You are currently writing the stories of their lives. They are too young to understand now, but one day they will know how this played out. If you stay, your husband's behavior will continue as is unless he leaves.

Give yourself control in this situation by deciding what is right for you and children. Then stick to it. Also consider what went wrong the last time you and husband discussed this other woman. Were you not firm enough on consequences? What can you do differently this time that will give you a better outcome? Learn from that and proceed. 

That’s the thing. I’ve been deceived so don’t know what to think anymore hence why I’m asking stupid questions with obvious answers

[LaurenEliz]

7 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@LaurenEliz You are correct. Keep focusing on facts. You have been deceived and it's up to you to decide what you will do about it. 

What will be acceptable to you as an outcome? If your husband will not meet your terms (in transparent actions rather than promises/excuses), would you be willing to walk away from your marriage or would you give him a free pass to act as he pleases with little to no regard for you and children? What example will you set for your kids about self-respect and how to stand up to injustice? You are currently writing the stories of their lives. They are too young to understand now, but one day they will know how this played out. If you stay, your husband's behavior will continue as is unless he leaves.

Give yourself control in this situation by deciding what is right for you and children. Then stick to it. Also consider what went wrong the last time you and husband discussed this other woman. Were you not firm enough on consequences? What can you do differently this time that will give you a better outcome? Learn from that and proceed. 

Edited to add:

Try this exercise...write down:

1) Your absolute best case scenario.

2) A scenario that's not best case but one you will settle for.

3) A worst case scenario that you absolutely will not accept no matter what.

My best case scenario is that he is going to leave this voice message to apologise, say it’s over and that he wants to move on with his life and work on things with me. 

The second best that I’d settle for is him deleting every trace of her and continuing to be a great dad and us pulling through for the kids 

3) him keeping in contact with her whether they are speaking currently or not. Keeping the number is keeping the door open. 

Let me know your thoughts 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

That’s the thing. I’ve been deceived so don’t know what to think anymore hence why I’m asking stupid questions with obvious answers

This will give you clarity.

Try this exercise...write down:

1) Your absolute best case scenario.

2) A scenario that's not best case but one you will settle for.

3) A worst case scenario that you absolutely will not accept no matter what.

[LaurenEliz]

Also if he wanted to be done with her and wanted to ease some of his guilt, surely he could leave a voice message and the. Block so he wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

My best case scenario is that he is going to leave this voice message to apologise, say it’s over and that he wants to move on with his life and work on things with me. 

The second best that I’d settle for is him deleting every trace of her and continuing to be a great dad and us pulling through for the kids 

3) him keeping in contact with her whether they are speaking currently or not. Keeping the number is keeping the door open. 

Let me know your thoughts 

This is a good start for you. Now you can build off of this.

1. Your best case scenario includes actions that are beyond your control. It seems to center on him taking elective actions on his own that would be congruent with what you feel is acceptable. 

2. Let's focus on the scenario you are willing to accept. I suggest aiming higher than what your willing to accept at this moment. For example, you might require from him that he goes to counseling or a couples retreat for infidelity, that he learns better coping strategies to overcome conflict avoidance, etc.

3. If he chooses the path that you absolutely will not accept, what will be the consequences you will impose? When you're ready to confront him on your decisions, you should also communicate these to him. Be firm and do not get talked out of them for any reason. 

4. How and when will you communicate your terms and conditions to him? And consequences if he fails?

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

This is a good start for you. Now you can build off of this.

1. Your best case scenario includes actions that are beyond your control. It seems to center on him taking elective actions on his own that would be congruent with what you feel is acceptable. 

2. Let's focus on the scenario you are willing to accept. I suggest aiming higher than what your willing to accept at this moment. For example, you might require from him that he goes to counseling or a couples retreat for infidelity, that he learns better coping strategies to overcome conflict avoidance, etc.

3. If he chooses the path that you absolutely will not accept, what will be the consequences you will impose? When you're ready to confront him on your decisions, you should also communicate these to him. Be firm and do not get talked out of them for any reason. 

4. How and when will you communicate your terms and conditions to him? And consequences if he fails?

Well my best case scenario is highly unlikely isn’t it

[HadMeOverABarrel]

9 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Also if he wanted to be done with her and wanted to ease some of his guilt, surely he could leave a voice message and the. Block so he wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome?

Redirect your focus to your needs and what you want. I'm not sure what it will take for you to accept that he's chosen to have an ongoing relationship with her, but yes, his actions show he wants an ongoing relationship with her. The sooner you can accept that as truth, the better off you would be. 

So redirect your focus onto what you want to happen based on what you've written as outcomes, and please consider what I wrote in my post just prior to this one. 

I'll check back later to see you're doing. Be well and take care of yourself!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@LaurenElizOne last comment before I head out...

You have so much more power in this situation than you realize, but you've got to focus on your actions, not his, to tap into it and realize it.

Perhaps make this your manta whenever you start looping in your mind on what he's doing and what it means, ok? 💜

[LaurenEliz]

I am grateful for you helping. My brain honestly can only take in so much at a time right now. I know I do have some power in this situation but I can’t help that I focus on things (probably longer than I should) and all I keep wondering is if there is any chance he is only leaving this voicemail to say sorry but he’s done (I think I know the answer deep down) 

[camillalev]

OP, are you able to go to therapy, even if it’s over FaceTime? They will be able to help with certain topics and coping strategies, and why you ignore certain things and focus on others, etc.
 

You really deserve more. 

[LaurenEliz]

4 minutes ago, camillalev said:

OP, are you able to go to therapy, even if it’s over FaceTime? They will be able to help with certain topics and coping strategies, and why you ignore certain things and focus on others, etc.
 

You really deserve more. 

It’s my anxiety and yes I know it’s not great right now. Therapy is a possibility for the future but right now not an option. I’m just trying to explore every avenue that’s all

[Crazelnut]

Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. 

And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life."  I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. 

[LaurenEliz]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. 

And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life."  I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. 

I understand that I’m just wondering if he was actually done, would he even bother leaving a voicemail

[LaurenEliz]

8 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. 

And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life."  I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. 

Sorry I pressed send too early. I know i need to confront him but I went for my appointment yesterday and everything was fine except my blood pressure was a tiny bit higher than where they wanted it. I just worry that if I do this before the birth, it will all explode. I’m trying to remain as calm and level headed as possible for my son..I know the questions I ask may sound silly. I don’t know if it’s reassurance I need I can’t explain it 

[BaileyB]

Lauren, you are pregnant. You need to take care of yourself and your children. He would have to be a really terrible person to leave during your pregnancy. If they start the affair again, we’ll... to be very honest, it’s not like anything has really changed. You knew your marriage wasn’t strong and you knew there was another woman in the picture... Let them do what they will, you focus on delivering a healthy baby. There is time to have these discussions when you are healthy and ready. 

If you are able to get a referral from your doctor to see a counsellor, I think that would be a really fine idea. No decisions need to be made, but you should accept all the support available to you. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Lauren, you are pregnant. You need to take care of yourself and your children. He would have to be a really terrible person to leave during your pregnancy. If they start the affair again, we’ll... to be very honest, it’s not like anything has really changed. You knew your marriage wasn’t strong and you knew there was another woman in the picture... Let them do what they will, you focus on delivering a healthy baby. There is time to have these discussions when you are healthy and ready. 

If you are able to get a referral from your doctor to see a counsellor, I think that would be a really fine idea. No decisions need to be made, but you should accept all the support available to you. 

Be careful if you do this and the affair goes physical. Catching an STI while pregnant could cause major health problems for you and your baby, including premature birth and/or birth defect.

It may seem like scaremongering but it's a possibility. If you're going to go ahead with this option then don't have sex with him.

I don't know how long you've got leftfof your pregnancy but it's obvious you're suffering from anxiety. Do you think you can go till the birth without getting things resolved?