Author LaurenEliz Posted July 3, 2020 Author Share Posted July 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: This is a good start for you. Now you can build off of this. 1. Your best case scenario includes actions that are beyond your control. It seems to center on him taking elective actions on his own that would be congruent with what you feel is acceptable. 2. Let's focus on the scenario you are willing to accept. I suggest aiming higher than what your willing to accept at this moment. For example, you might require from him that he goes to counseling or a couples retreat for infidelity, that he learns better coping strategies to overcome conflict avoidance, etc. 3. If he chooses the path that you absolutely will not accept, what will be the consequences you will impose? When you're ready to confront him on your decisions, you should also communicate these to him. Be firm and do not get talked out of them for any reason. 4. How and when will you communicate your terms and conditions to him? And consequences if he fails? Well my best case scenario is highly unlikely isn’t it Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 9 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Also if he wanted to be done with her and wanted to ease some of his guilt, surely he could leave a voice message and the. Block so he wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome? Redirect your focus to your needs and what you want. I'm not sure what it will take for you to accept that he's chosen to have an ongoing relationship with her, but yes, his actions show he wants an ongoing relationship with her. The sooner you can accept that as truth, the better off you would be. So redirect your focus onto what you want to happen based on what you've written as outcomes, and please consider what I wrote in my post just prior to this one. I'll check back later to see you're doing. Be well and take care of yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 @LaurenElizOne last comment before I head out... You have so much more power in this situation than you realize, but you've got to focus on your actions, not his, to tap into it and realize it. Perhaps make this your manta whenever you start looping in your mind on what he's doing and what it means, ok? 💜 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 3, 2020 Author Share Posted July 3, 2020 I am grateful for you helping. My brain honestly can only take in so much at a time right now. I know I do have some power in this situation but I can’t help that I focus on things (probably longer than I should) and all I keep wondering is if there is any chance he is only leaving this voicemail to say sorry but he’s done (I think I know the answer deep down) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 OP, are you able to go to therapy, even if it’s over FaceTime? They will be able to help with certain topics and coping strategies, and why you ignore certain things and focus on others, etc. You really deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 3, 2020 Author Share Posted July 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, camillalev said: OP, are you able to go to therapy, even if it’s over FaceTime? They will be able to help with certain topics and coping strategies, and why you ignore certain things and focus on others, etc. You really deserve more. It’s my anxiety and yes I know it’s not great right now. Therapy is a possibility for the future but right now not an option. I’m just trying to explore every avenue that’s all Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life." I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 3, 2020 Author Share Posted July 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life." I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. I understand that I’m just wondering if he was actually done, would he even bother leaving a voicemail Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 3, 2020 Author Share Posted July 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, how are you going to know which of the paths he's chosen? You aren't going to hear the voicemail. You are going to have to confront him. Your first 2 scenarios are completely dependent upon him taking some action, but if you don't confront him and discuss it with him, you'll be stuck in this limbo where you're just agonizing in silence. And of course you know that scenario 1 is highly unlikely, right? Everything he's done and said shows anyone with a brain that he literally "wants her in his life." I'm really sorry but even scenario 2 is a stretch. Sorry I pressed send too early. I know i need to confront him but I went for my appointment yesterday and everything was fine except my blood pressure was a tiny bit higher than where they wanted it. I just worry that if I do this before the birth, it will all explode. I’m trying to remain as calm and level headed as possible for my son..I know the questions I ask may sound silly. I don’t know if it’s reassurance I need I can’t explain it Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 (edited) Lauren, you are pregnant. You need to take care of yourself and your children. He would have to be a really terrible person to leave during your pregnancy. If they start the affair again, we’ll... to be very honest, it’s not like anything has really changed. You knew your marriage wasn’t strong and you knew there was another woman in the picture... Let them do what they will, you focus on delivering a healthy baby. There is time to have these discussions when you are healthy and ready. If you are able to get a referral from your doctor to see a counsellor, I think that would be a really fine idea. No decisions need to be made, but you should accept all the support available to you. Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Lauren, you are pregnant. You need to take care of yourself and your children. He would have to be a really terrible person to leave during your pregnancy. If they start the affair again, we’ll... to be very honest, it’s not like anything has really changed. You knew your marriage wasn’t strong and you knew there was another woman in the picture... Let them do what they will, you focus on delivering a healthy baby. There is time to have these discussions when you are healthy and ready. If you are able to get a referral from your doctor to see a counsellor, I think that would be a really fine idea. No decisions need to be made, but you should accept all the support available to you. Be careful if you do this and the affair goes physical. Catching an STI while pregnant could cause major health problems for you and your baby, including premature birth and/or birth defect. It may seem like scaremongering but it's a possibility. If you're going to go ahead with this option then don't have sex with him. I don't know how long you've got leftfof your pregnancy but it's obvious you're suffering from anxiety. Do you think you can go till the birth without getting things resolved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 8, 2020 Author Share Posted July 8, 2020 So I’ve been trying to get things organised for our new arrival, it’s my choice to wait until they are born to confront husband. I’ve thought about it and I can’t go through the extra stress right now so I’m posting on here because I do appreciate everyone’s honesty but please do t comment saying I’m making excuses. I’m 35 weeks, I’m heavily pregnant. I haven’t been watching them chat, I don’t want to end up like the other lady that has been mentioned in my thread, like I said I’ve been keeping myself busy. I did look last night though and what he said basically confirmed what I’ve known for a long time. He said he kids himself on that he’s happy but he’s not and that he thinks about her everyday. He is still to leave this voice message even I could tell by the words he’s terrified of losing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 37 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So I’ve been trying to get things organised for our new arrival, it’s my choice to wait until they are born to confront husband. I’ve thought about it and I can’t go through the extra stress right now so I’m posting on here because I do appreciate everyone’s honesty but please do t comment saying I’m making excuses. I’m 35 weeks, I’m heavily pregnant. I haven’t been watching them chat, I don’t want to end up like the other lady that has been mentioned in my thread, like I said I’ve been keeping myself busy. I did look last night though and what he said basically confirmed what I’ve known for a long time. He said he kids himself on that he’s happy but he’s not and that he thinks about her everyday. He is still to leave this voice message even I could tell by the words he’s terrified of losing her. Hi Lauren! I am very happy that you have kept yourself busy and are readying your options after your baby has arrived. That is a suitable strategy, as you are correct: You do not need the extra stress. I think you are stronger person than Edith, even if you vent on here, two stories are never the same. With what he has said, about kidding himself about being happy away from her...I would say that you have all that you need. Set him free; set yourself free. You will eventually find ( I hope with much vetting ) someone who will love you and by extension your kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 Lauren, if you think the stress is bad now, how do you think it's going to be when you have a newborn in addition to Child #1? How are you going to feel, knowing that every diaper run to the shop is a possible call or text to her? Or worse, a meetup? That is stressful, right? I understand that you can't deal with it now, but please don't let it go on for too long. It only gets harder as time goes by. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 I'm just going to point out a couple of things. First - of course he's saying these things to her , he's trying to reel her in and once he's got her he's got to keep her sweet and keep her interested. Second - if this OW was posting in the OW forum here a lot of the people telling you he's leaving would be telling her the exact opposite. The OW would be hearing he'd never leave, that he's 'future faking'. Your husband may leave, he may stay but but when you do finally talk to him you need to make your boundaries clear. You are the prize here and you need to remember that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, if you think the stress is bad now, how do you think it's going to be when you have a newborn in addition to Child #1? How are you going to feel, knowing that every diaper run to the shop is a possible call or text to her? Just to note - IIRC the OW is in another city, so the risk of that is probably low. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Just to note - IIRC the OW is in another city, so the risk of that is probably low. Meetups are unlikely, but little trips to the store are exactly the kind of things cheaters do so they can have privacy to call or text the AP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 51 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Meetups are unlikely, but little trips to the store are exactly the kind of things cheaters do so they can have privacy to call or text the AP. Be aware of made up arguments that come out of nowhere, but he is then so "upset" that he needs to storm out... That will give him space to contact the OW, or meet her if she is in town... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 2 hours ago, Crazelnut said: Meetups are unlikely, but little trips to the store are exactly the kind of things cheaters do so they can have privacy to call or text the AP. Ah, gotcha... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 8, 2020 Author Share Posted July 8, 2020 33 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Ah, gotcha... She’s literally the opposite end of the country for the next six months (yes I’m an idiot and did some digging) - it’s a pretty big thing to say that he misses having her in his life isn’t it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 8, 2020 Author Share Posted July 8, 2020 And in regards to the ow being on here too, I hope she does post and I hope people do tell her the usual ‘he will never leave’ etc. Maybe that will be enough for her to leave, hearing that from others. She doesn’t have to know that may not be true. I hope she gets a fright by someone telling her he won’t ever leave and she leaves on her own accord. But I doubt it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Annonymous1234 Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Hello Lauren - I've been following your thread (I'm also from the UK) . . . The sun will shine for you again - you sound like such a strong , bright and lovely woman. I think your primary priority at the moment is to keep as stress-free as possible - for yourself, your son and your little baba-to-be. X 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 Well Lauren, at least you're no longer in denial so that is very good for you. Have you thought about how you're going to drop the bomb on him after baby is born? And do you have contingency plans lined up for various outcomes? Or are you tabling all planning until after birth? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 Lauren Even if she on here & anonymous people on the internet tell her that your husband won't leave you for her, she won't be deterred. More importantly why do you keep trying to hang on to a man who would prefer to e elsewhere? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 Slightly off topic I k ow. Do you think it’s possible to make it a happy house even though we aren’t happy, for the sake of our kids? Or do you think that can only last so long Link to post Share on other sites
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