elaine567 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Wishful thinking on your part. "I do miss having you in my life" means to me exactly what it says. No-one says that to someone they do not want in their life. If he didn't want her in his life he would go dark on her, or fade away, or say something nasty to get rid of her or just say "This can't work" but instead he is encouraging her to stick around. Sometimes due to the nature of affairs, there is a lot of toing and froing, sometimes it is all off sometimes it is all on, so even if he did say "I want to make things work with my wife, we need to stop this", it may not mean a lot, with the affair being all on again soon after... affairs can be addictive for both... You are analysing every word for meaning, but you are missing the fact that your husband is still involved with this woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Wishful thinking on your part. "I do miss having you in my life" means to me exactly what it says. No-one says that to someone they do not want in their life. If he didn't want her in his life he would go dark on her, or fade away, or say something nasty to get rid of her or just say "This can't work" but instead he is encouraging her to stick around. Sometimes due to the nature of affairs, there is a lot of toing and froing, sometimes it is all off sometimes it is all on, so even if he did say "I want to make things work with my wife, we need to stop this", it may not mean a lot, with the affair being all on again soon after... affairs can be addictive for both... You are analysing every word for meaning, but you are missing the fact that your husband is still involved with this woman. Hi @elaine567 I did try to tag you in previous post because you’ve been great and so straight forward but for some reason wouldn’t let me do I’m really pleased you’ve commented. I know I’m looking and analysing every word..I just thought that he seemed to have gone from saying ‘I want you in my life’ to ‘I do miss having you in my life’ and I took the I miss having you as it’s over between us but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having you but yes I think that is wishful thinking on my part. His contact with her is few and far between and he still hasn’t told her (but I realise this is because he’s scared of losing her) and if he wanted to lose her he’d text her that I’m pregnant and be done with it. He probably knows I’m watching what he’s doing (he doesn’t know I’ve seen the messages) do you think he is toing and froing with her? Do you think he’s changing his mind? Edited July 11, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 17 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Slightly off topic I k ow. Do you think it’s possible to make it a happy house even though we aren’t happy, for the sake of our kids? Or do you think that can only last so long Immediately what came to my mind after reading this was: I think you deserve better! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 I know I do. Have you seen my latest post? Feel free to tell me I’m being irrational, could do with the honesty Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: Or is that just wishful thinking on my part It's wishful thinking...Hoping that you will finally wake up to realize this has all been a bad nightmare and you can go about your life as it was before you discovered they are still communicating. Except... It's not just a nightmare, it's reality. 😞 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: It's wishful thinking...Hoping that you will finally wake up to realize this has all been a bad nightmare and you can go about your life as it was before you discovered they are still communicating. Except... It's not just a nightmare, it's reality. 😞 So him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ isn’t him saying it’s done. It I do miss you to her? And thanks for the honesty I need a reality check today Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I know I do. Have you seen my latest post? Feel free to tell me I’m being irrational, could do with the honesty Just now. I think you are doing yourself a disservice by clinging on to hope that they are over, etc. What you should focus on more is that he's been a dishonest partner who has at least emotionally cheated. At one point he said he was only there for the child. He's never apologized for that our taken that back, right? At what point will you decide that he's committed enough betrayal against you for you to stand up for yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Just now. I think you are doing yourself a disservice by clinging on to hope that they are over, etc. What you should focus on more is that he's been a dishonest partner who has at least emotionally cheated. At one point he said he was only there for the child. He's never apologized for that our taken that back, right? At what point will you decide that he's committed enough betrayal against you for you to stand up for yourself? You’re right. I am clinging I just thought maybe when he said the ‘I do miss having you in my life’ that he meant it’s over but I miss you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ isn’t him saying it’s done. It I do miss you to her? And thanks for the honesty I need a reality check today He wants her. He wants her in his life. Even if he told her tomorrow, "I can't continue communicating," he may be back the very next day carrying on communicating with her. Like @elaine567 said an hour ago, words like that may not mean a lot. I've been on the other side of this Lauren. My xMM would carry on with me until the day he dies if I let him. And he would never leave his marriage either. It's just that I made the decision for myself that I want and deserve so much better and I won't settle for less. That's what I'm hoping you will realize for yourself in your current situation. You have to decide that you are better than this and worth more than this. When you do, better will show up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 Thanks I know I was clinging which is why I came on here to get a reality check. I know either way we cut it he wants her. If he didn’t she wouldn’t be in his phone. I guess I just took him saying that he does miss her being in his life as look you aren’t in my life but I do miss you Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks I know I was clinging which is why I came on here to get a reality check. I know either way we cut it he wants her. If he didn’t she wouldn’t be in his phone. I guess I just took him saying that he does miss her being in his life as look you aren’t in my life but I do miss you Referring to the bolded part, I think that's another 'either way we cut it.' Even if she weren't in his life (and I think she is), you have seen his attempts at connecting with her. There's nothing he's written to her along the lines of an ending. On the contrary, he's telling her he is pining for her. He's not even mentioning you in his comms to her...like he's not saying I miss you but I'm committed to my marriage (for example). You said before you are not ok with him carrying on with her, and clearly that is what he's doing. I think he's going to carry on with her until SHE decides to end it...but that is no time soon because she just announced to him she is again geographically near. She is echoing back her longing for him by doing so. Saying your back near is an invitation for closeness. Him telling her he misses her and wants her in his life is his invitation for closeness. Ask yourself this: if someone from your past said they miss you, would you interpret that as 1) come hither, or 2) go away!? Edited July 11, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel Parenthesis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 16 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks I know I was clinging which is why I came on here to get a reality check. I know either way we cut it he wants her. If he didn’t she wouldn’t be in his phone. I guess I just took him saying that he does miss her being in his life as look you aren’t in my life but I do miss you Yep. He wants her. To put it bluntly: He wants her emotionally, sexually, and in his presence. He wants her, simple as that. He wants every happy moment that he should be having with you, with her. All the nice vacations and wonderful photogenic moments with her. Not you. He may even want kids with her, a slap in your face..( I infer ) Again, HE WANTS HER, all of HER. Lauren, you are a big time sweetheart. Very kind, with a hint of fire to you. Do you not think that someone else would not like the opportunity to make all these things, this world, yours? Just whatever you do in the future... Choose carefully. You deserve better. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Referring to the bolded part, I think that's another 'either way we cut it.' Even if she weren't in his life (and I think she is), you have seen his attempts at connecting with her. There's nothing he's written to her along the lines of an ending. On the contrary, he's telling her he is pining for her. He's not even mentioning you in his comms to her...like he's not saying I miss you but I'm committed to my marriage (for example). You said before you are not ok with him carrying on with her, and clearly that is what he's doing. I think he's going to carry on with her until SHE decides to end it...but that is no time soon because she just announced to him she is again geographically near. She is echoing back her longing for him by doing so. Saying your back near is an invitation for closeness. Him telling her he misses her and wants her in his life is his invitation for closeness. Ask yourself this: if someone from your past said they miss you, would you interpret that as 1) come hither, or 2) go away!? From what I saw in the message from the other day you’re right he didn’t say he is committed to our marriage but he did say ‘I have to try and make it a happy house for our kids sake but I’m not happy I’m just kidding myself that I am’ (that’s as the reason I asked if that was sustainable) and I guess I took him saying I miss having you in my life as an ending Edited July 11, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Stevnx3 said: Yep. He wants her. To put it bluntly: He wants her emotionally, sexually, and in his presence. He wants her, simple as that. He wants every happy moment that he should be having with you, with her. All the nice vacations and wonderful photogenic moments with her. Not you. He may even want kids with her, a slap in your face..( I infer ) Again, HE WANTS HER, all of HER. Lauren, you are a big time sweetheart. Very kind, with a hint of fire to you. Do you not think that someone else would not like the opportunity to make all these things, this world, yours? Just whatever you do in the future... Choose carefully. You deserve better. Thank you I guess I was just clinging to hope that was him ending things by saying I do miss having you in my life as if it say you’re not in my life now it’s over Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Thank you I guess I was just clinging to hope that was him ending things by saying I do miss having you in my life as if it say you’re not in my life now it’s over I get that, I do. Part of that comes from your false hope on your part. You want this to work so bad, in the depth of your mind, that it seems like hope. The worst thing out there is false hope. It will wreck you hard. Reality of your situation is that this is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. HMOAB, that is awful. But I do believe you are not in a better spot? You seem very strong. I'd told him to blow and given him a big ole change! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Stevnx3 said: I'd told him to blow and given him a big ole change! Lol! That was funny! Yep, the only thing that gets to me now (but only a little) is that I think he has false hope that I'll come back around. It bothers me because it's arrogant on his part and disrespectful to me. I learned a lot from my time with that douche canoe though. Can I say douche canoe on LS? The guy had a stick so far up his butt he wouldn't even follow through on a phone call (that he already agreed to) in order to salvage a platonic friendship. Then he accused me of being demanding when I asked when he intended to follow through. More mind games, more controlling behavior...I ain't got not more time for that malarkey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Lol! That was funny! Yep, the only thing that gets to me now (but only a little) is that I think he has false hope that I'll come back around. It bothers me because it's arrogant on his part and disrespectful to me. I learned a lot from my time with that douche canoe though. Can I say douche canoe on LS? The guy had a stick so far up his butt he wouldn't even follow through on a phone call (that he already agreed to) in order to salvage a platonic friendship. Then he accused me of being demanding when I asked when he intended to follow through. More mind games, more controlling behavior...I ain't got not more time for that malarkey. Well good. Sounds like you dealt with your XMM. The nerve of some people! Sure douche canoe works! People say a lot worse on here from time to time ! Anyway, sounds like you moved on, for the most part. I am happy for you to be out of that situation, if so. I guess I should get back on topic with the OP lol! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Hmmm, I knew you were going to reply with this. 😉 But didn't he qualify it with, ‘I do miss having you in my life’ or something sweet like that? I saw you post something where he ended his comment with something like this. Qualifying it...what I see is him offering her an excuse as to why he's not [yet?] free to be with her, but softening it with a sweet qualifying statement at the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Well good. Sounds like you dealt with your XMM. The nerve of some people! Sure douche canoe works! People say a lot worse on here from time to time ! Anyway, sounds like you moved on, for the most part. I am happy for you to be out of that situation, if so. I guess I should get back on topic with the OP lol! Lots of therapy to get there, my friend. And lots of LS posts, too! Thank you for your sentiments. Yes, back to the matter at hand! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Maybe. But it would be anything but a happy marriage Lauren! Why live a prisoner to misery and stay married and unloved? Your kids are very young, and may not fully understand; but if you are honest, and everything is made clear, they will. Besides kids are smart, my dear. They will figure out that your happy home isn't so happy after all. Instead do this: Show them how it takes courage and strength in life, in even moments wherein you have despaired, you had the strength to do what is right for your happiness. This teaches your children that in marriage ( they will be one day ) that you have to honor your wife or your husband. Not to take things laying down ( mom didn't, she set the example for us ). If they fault anyone it will be him.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Maybe. But it would be anything but a happy marriage Lauren! Why live a prisoner to misery and stay married and unloved? Your kids are very young, and may not fully understand; but if you are honest, and everything is made clear, they will. Besides kids are smart, my dear. They will figure out that your happy home isn't so happy after all. Instead do this: Show them how it takes courage and strength in life, in even moments wherein you have despaired, you had the strength to do what is right for your happiness. This teaches your children that in marriage ( they will be one day ) that you have to honor your wife or your husband. Not to take things laying down ( mom didn't, she set the example for us ). If they fault anyone it will be him.. So basically that wasn’t him saying look it’s over between us but I do miss you (I know the answer deep down) Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So basically that wasn’t him saying look it’s over between us but I do miss you (I know the answer deep down) It is him saying exactly what you read, Lauren. He wants her. He misses her. Things will eventually morph into the sexual. What will you do when you see sex texts from him or her? Or dare I say they meet and somehow you find out? I can tell you he won't be loving his wife! Things like this tend to progress, y'know? In it deep here. Link to post Share on other sites
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