Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 16 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks I know I was clinging which is why I came on here to get a reality check. I know either way we cut it he wants her. If he didn’t she wouldn’t be in his phone. I guess I just took him saying that he does miss her being in his life as look you aren’t in my life but I do miss you Yep. He wants her. To put it bluntly: He wants her emotionally, sexually, and in his presence. He wants her, simple as that. He wants every happy moment that he should be having with you, with her. All the nice vacations and wonderful photogenic moments with her. Not you. He may even want kids with her, a slap in your face..( I infer ) Again, HE WANTS HER, all of HER. Lauren, you are a big time sweetheart. Very kind, with a hint of fire to you. Do you not think that someone else would not like the opportunity to make all these things, this world, yours? Just whatever you do in the future... Choose carefully. You deserve better. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Referring to the bolded part, I think that's another 'either way we cut it.' Even if she weren't in his life (and I think she is), you have seen his attempts at connecting with her. There's nothing he's written to her along the lines of an ending. On the contrary, he's telling her he is pining for her. He's not even mentioning you in his comms to her...like he's not saying I miss you but I'm committed to my marriage (for example). You said before you are not ok with him carrying on with her, and clearly that is what he's doing. I think he's going to carry on with her until SHE decides to end it...but that is no time soon because she just announced to him she is again geographically near. She is echoing back her longing for him by doing so. Saying your back near is an invitation for closeness. Him telling her he misses her and wants her in his life is his invitation for closeness. Ask yourself this: if someone from your past said they miss you, would you interpret that as 1) come hither, or 2) go away!? From what I saw in the message from the other day you’re right he didn’t say he is committed to our marriage but he did say ‘I have to try and make it a happy house for our kids sake but I’m not happy I’m just kidding myself that I am’ (that’s as the reason I asked if that was sustainable) and I guess I took him saying I miss having you in my life as an ending Edited July 11, 2020 by LaurenEliz Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Stevnx3 said: Yep. He wants her. To put it bluntly: He wants her emotionally, sexually, and in his presence. He wants her, simple as that. He wants every happy moment that he should be having with you, with her. All the nice vacations and wonderful photogenic moments with her. Not you. He may even want kids with her, a slap in your face..( I infer ) Again, HE WANTS HER, all of HER. Lauren, you are a big time sweetheart. Very kind, with a hint of fire to you. Do you not think that someone else would not like the opportunity to make all these things, this world, yours? Just whatever you do in the future... Choose carefully. You deserve better. Thank you I guess I was just clinging to hope that was him ending things by saying I do miss having you in my life as if it say you’re not in my life now it’s over Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said: Thank you I guess I was just clinging to hope that was him ending things by saying I do miss having you in my life as if it say you’re not in my life now it’s over I get that, I do. Part of that comes from your false hope on your part. You want this to work so bad, in the depth of your mind, that it seems like hope. The worst thing out there is false hope. It will wreck you hard. Reality of your situation is that this is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. HMOAB, that is awful. But I do believe you are not in a better spot? You seem very strong. I'd told him to blow and given him a big ole change! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Adding this in hopes of giving you perspective: My xMM told me, "I can't give you what you want/deserve. I don't like change. I don't want to rock the boat." Basically he was telling me he was staying in his marriage. But when I tried to alter things, like switch to a completely platonic connection, he would say, "Why can't we keep things as they are?" Your husband isn't even telling her things like my xMM said to signal he was staying in his marriage. I perceive he is egging her on, raising her expectations, making her feel hopeful about him. Not good. You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Stevnx3 said: I'd told him to blow and given him a big ole change! Lol! That was funny! Yep, the only thing that gets to me now (but only a little) is that I think he has false hope that I'll come back around. It bothers me because it's arrogant on his part and disrespectful to me. I learned a lot from my time with that douche canoe though. Can I say douche canoe on LS? The guy had a stick so far up his butt he wouldn't even follow through on a phone call (that he already agreed to) in order to salvage a platonic friendship. Then he accused me of being demanding when I asked when he intended to follow through. More mind games, more controlling behavior...I ain't got not more time for that malarkey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Lol! That was funny! Yep, the only thing that gets to me now (but only a little) is that I think he has false hope that I'll come back around. It bothers me because it's arrogant on his part and disrespectful to me. I learned a lot from my time with that douche canoe though. Can I say douche canoe on LS? The guy had a stick so far up his butt he wouldn't even follow through on a phone call (that he already agreed to) in order to salvage a platonic friendship. Then he accused me of being demanding when I asked when he intended to follow through. More mind games, more controlling behavior...I ain't got not more time for that malarkey. Well good. Sounds like you dealt with your XMM. The nerve of some people! Sure douche canoe works! People say a lot worse on here from time to time ! Anyway, sounds like you moved on, for the most part. I am happy for you to be out of that situation, if so. I guess I should get back on topic with the OP lol! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Hmmm, I knew you were going to reply with this. 😉 But didn't he qualify it with, ‘I do miss having you in my life’ or something sweet like that? I saw you post something where he ended his comment with something like this. Qualifying it...what I see is him offering her an excuse as to why he's not [yet?] free to be with her, but softening it with a sweet qualifying statement at the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Well good. Sounds like you dealt with your XMM. The nerve of some people! Sure douche canoe works! People say a lot worse on here from time to time ! Anyway, sounds like you moved on, for the most part. I am happy for you to be out of that situation, if so. I guess I should get back on topic with the OP lol! Lots of therapy to get there, my friend. And lots of LS posts, too! Thank you for your sentiments. Yes, back to the matter at hand! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 14 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: You don’t see him saying that ‘I have to keep it a happy house for the our sons sake’ him saying he is saying in our marriage? Maybe. But it would be anything but a happy marriage Lauren! Why live a prisoner to misery and stay married and unloved? Your kids are very young, and may not fully understand; but if you are honest, and everything is made clear, they will. Besides kids are smart, my dear. They will figure out that your happy home isn't so happy after all. Instead do this: Show them how it takes courage and strength in life, in even moments wherein you have despaired, you had the strength to do what is right for your happiness. This teaches your children that in marriage ( they will be one day ) that you have to honor your wife or your husband. Not to take things laying down ( mom didn't, she set the example for us ). If they fault anyone it will be him.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Maybe. But it would be anything but a happy marriage Lauren! Why live a prisoner to misery and stay married and unloved? Your kids are very young, and may not fully understand; but if you are honest, and everything is made clear, they will. Besides kids are smart, my dear. They will figure out that your happy home isn't so happy after all. Instead do this: Show them how it takes courage and strength in life, in even moments wherein you have despaired, you had the strength to do what is right for your happiness. This teaches your children that in marriage ( they will be one day ) that you have to honor your wife or your husband. Not to take things laying down ( mom didn't, she set the example for us ). If they fault anyone it will be him.. So basically that wasn’t him saying look it’s over between us but I do miss you (I know the answer deep down) Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: So basically that wasn’t him saying look it’s over between us but I do miss you (I know the answer deep down) It is him saying exactly what you read, Lauren. He wants her. He misses her. Things will eventually morph into the sexual. What will you do when you see sex texts from him or her? Or dare I say they meet and somehow you find out? I can tell you he won't be loving his wife! Things like this tend to progress, y'know? In it deep here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: It is him saying exactly what you read, Lauren. He wants her. He misses her. Things will eventually morph into the sexual. What will you do when you see sex texts from him or her? Or dare I say they meet and somehow you find out? I can tell you he won't be loving his wife! Things like this tend to progress, y'know? In it deep here. Thanks I needed to hear this Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thanks I needed to hear this I know. It is not quite what I would like to say, Lauren. What if he gets her pregnant? How will you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) Lauren, you are still desperately trying to find something, anything to convince yourself that he's going to stop this nonsense and be faithful to you. You are wasting time and energy on something that won't happen. He has revealed his true feelings, and no amount of magical thinking on your part is going to make things right. But here you are, still analyzing every sentence he wrote, trying to find some way to interpret his meaning so it's favorable. Wouldn't you be better off if you just accepted the situation for what it is? Surely that would be less stressful for you & the baby? You could spend your energy on figuring out what you want going forward. (And no, having this guy be a faithful husband is not on the menu.) Once you truly accept the situation for what it is, you will be free to start envisioning a better, less stressful life for you & your children. Edited July 12, 2020 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Crazelnut said: Lauren, you are still desperately trying to find something, anything to convince yourself that he's going to stop this nonsense and be faithful to you. You are wasting time and energy on something that won't happen. He has revealed his true feelings, and no amount of magical thinking on your part is going to make things right. But here you are, still analyzing every sentence he wrote, trying to find some way to interpret his meaning so it's favorable. Wouldn't you be better off if you just accepted the situation for what it is? Surely that would be less stressful for you & the baby? You could spend your energy on figuring out what you want going forward. (And no, having this guy be a faithful husband is not on the menu.) Once you truly accept the situation for what it is, you will be free to start envisioning a better, less stressful life for you & your children. Hi, I know. I had abit of a bad day yesterday, I did interpret him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ as it’s over, but I do miss you Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 21 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Hi, I know. I had abit of a bad day yesterday, I did interpret him saying ‘I do miss having you in my life’ as it’s over, but I do miss you Interested in your opinion of his wording though @Crazelnut if you have one. You’ve been very direct and helpful in this forum so always open to hearing Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) No, it means he actively misses her in his life and WANTS HER IN HIS LIFE NOW. Lauren, you've got to face the reality of this sooner or later. Sooner allows you to plan and prepare. Sweetie, he is not ending things with her. It's the exact opposite. He's scared to death SHE will end it if she finds out you're pregnant. Edited July 12, 2020 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 I’ve been scared of putting this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I think this second baby is a mistake. I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I’ve been scared of putting this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I think this second baby is a mistake. I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it Nope, this baby will not bring you closer together. Babies never fix the problems in a relationship. I know it's hard to accept, but your husband cares more for this other woman than he does for you. All the wishing and hoping in the world won't change that. All the babies in the world won't change that. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Nope, this baby will not bring you closer together. Babies never fix the problems in a relationship. I know it's hard to accept, but your husband cares more for this other woman than he does for you. All the wishing and hoping in the world won't change that. All the babies in the world won't change that. I'm sorry. Please don’t be sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and what you said before makes so much sense. I know they used to text all the time, I used to say hi his online times. It was constant. I know he stopped speaking to her for almost 4 months but not out of love for me, but because he sticks his head in the sand about everything. He still hasn’t told her. He will have to soon as I’m due soon. He hasn’t told her yet because he knows she could stand by what she originally said to him which was that she’d leave. I don’t know if this makes sense, it makes sense to me - that’s why he was so specific about it being a voice message. It’s because he wants her to him in the hope she stays. Do you think if he just felt guilty and just wanted to say sorry he’d just end it/text it? The fact that he’s bothering to send it as a voice message says a lot. What do you think? And thank you, I screenshot what people say on here it helps Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I will love this baby and so will he - but it’s not going to bring us closer together is it Yes he may, but he may not love the baby, it is not guaranteed. He may resent it unfortunately, as he may see it as just another thing that stands in the way of him being with his OW and its existence may indeed mean he loses her... I know you want her out of your lives, but living with a grieving man, grieving for his OW, may not be much fun either... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 OP, try looking at your situation in the long term. do you really want to be tied to a man who is this disrespectful to you? What sort of lesson will that teach your child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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